There. He had said it.
All the things I knew Id already known but was hoping had changed in the past year. I had listened silently, my heart breaking a little more with each word. I realized then, of course, that these were so many of the standard responses to this situation, the quickest route to damage control. But I also knew that the man saying them wasnt just any man. He was my best friend, and someone I didnt ever want to lose. I had trusted him not to serve me with platitudes, trusted him to be honest with me about his feelings. Even if he couldnt give me the answers I wanted to hear.
Id wondered as I looked into his eyes if I would be able to live like this, to continue to be his friend while he dated other women, when I loved him, was in love with him, and wanted more. He squeezed my hands, the gentle pressure communicating his understanding of the struggle going on in my head and in my heart.
Im not ready for you, Eira. You should have someone who will be fully committed to you, and right now Im not emotionally in that place. He looked away for a moment. Theres a reason I havent been on a date in three months, and its not because I havent been meeting women anywhere. Its because right now, I dont think I should be dating. Anyone. He smiled at me fondly. But if I was, you would definitely be at the top of the list.
The conversation was done, the subject was closed. I felt so many things hurt and confusion and disappointment. And a strange desire to argue, as though presenting my case well enough might change his mind, make him see that we were perfect for one another. That he really did love me enough, that he loved me the way that I loved him. I bit back the urge and swallowed the words I so desperately wanted to say.
Will you tell me if you ever change your mind? I asked quietly.
Matt nodded.
Youll be the first to know, he said soberly.
I looked down at my hands, still ensconced in his, and blew out a long breath.
So, whats on the tube? I asked, extricating my hands and turning to face forward on the couch. I felt more like fleeing the apartment, burying myself in the safety and solitude of my bed, and hiding from the world while I cried. But I was determined to put on a brave face, to soldier on as though nothing had changed between us.
As much as I wanted it to be true, it wasnt.
Nothing was the same, and nothing would ever be the same.
Because I knew for certain that I loved him and that he didnt love me back.
Months later, not even that was certain.
Chapter Five
From:Eira Larson
To:Matthew Noble
Subject:Please Read This Right NOW: Im Going to be Totally Honest
Date:October 12, 2004
Right now Im terrified.
Again, I dont really know how I should be feeling, but terrified is one of the first things that comes to mind.
I want to be happy.
I want to be able to take the memory of Friday night and for it to be simple.
I want to take the memory of your face, your hands, your taste, the ridge of your jaw, your hair in my fingersthe feeling of you so close that all I wanted to do was get closerI want to be able to think about all of those things without the sickening feeling that it was all a lie.
Was it?
Was it just some conjuring of my imagination thats going to dissipate in the next gust of wind? I feel like Ive lost my equilibrium, and I have no one to talk to about this except you. Only you know what you were thinking, so please tell me, Matt.
We crossed the line weve been dancing next to for so long, and now I need to know where to go from here. I have no choice but to take your lead. As much as I trust you, Im afraid of what you could do to me. You already knew you had the upper hand, but now I have nothing. I laid down all of my defenses, and now I feel like Im waiting for the destroying blow, like Im playing Battleship with someone who can see my board.
When will I sink?
Is this the part where you forget my name?
Is this the part where our friendship dissolves, and I never hear from you again, or the part where you tell me it was all a mistake?
Are you simply going to tell me that you were just feeling adventurous and wanted to see how far you could push the limit? Im not asking this out of anger. Im asking it with the heart of someone who has been stripped completely bare. Im aware, as I write this, how cynical this all sounds. It makes me sad, how quickly fear follows on the heels of happiness.
For one night, I was in a fairy tale.
But Im not naive, and youve plainly stated so many times how much you dont want a relationship. With me. So now Im anticipating something, some explanation of things in the same vein.
Or maybe I should just expect silence.
You wouldnt be the first man in history to decide to throw friendship under the wheels of a bus, giving in to hormonal whims and walking away as though nothing has happened. But Im hoping youre above that.
Im trusting that youre above that. Please dont prove me a fool. You have so much power in your hands right now, and I dont know if youre even aware.
I need to talk to you, I need to be able to look into your eyes and see whats going on with you. We owe each other that much, I think, because at this point, the most damaging thing we could do to our relationship is to not talk about this.
Face to face.
Youve become my best friend, Matt, and I thought you felt at least that much for me. Please dont prove me mistaken on that, as well.
Im feeling so alone right now in this attempt to sort things out. All of the womens magazines and relationship books ever published have articles that scream at women over their stupidity in situations like this. All of the evidence, all of the patterns should be enough to keep me on my toes, strapped in to a bullet-proof vest.
But maybe I really am a fool.
I wanted to be able to go home and talk about things with someonemy sister, my momsomeone.
Someone who would listen to me excitedly relay the events of a date and the possibility of more dates in the future.
I wanted to run up and down your street shouting at the top of my lungs that you had finally kissed me. Instead, I had to go home and try to fall asleep with an excited rush of blood pounding in my ears, all the while trying to keep a firm grip on reality. Because this is the reality: I want there to be a later, and you dont.
Someone who would listen to me excitedly relay the events of a date and the possibility of more dates in the future.
I wanted to run up and down your street shouting at the top of my lungs that you had finally kissed me. Instead, I had to go home and try to fall asleep with an excited rush of blood pounding in my ears, all the while trying to keep a firm grip on reality. Because this is the reality: I want there to be a later, and you dont.
Ive heard experts say that couples should expect nothing from each other. That way, when one of them does somethingwashing the dishes without being asked or putting a load of laundry in the dryer or bringing home a bouquet of rosesits a surprise and that much more appreciated.
I never expect anything from you, and maybe thats been my problem.
Having no expectations works within the commitment of marriage, but outside of that, it leaves you terribly vulnerable.
I never expect anything from you, so when you callat 4 a.m. in the middle of a hurricane, from California when youre on your way to a buddys wedding, while youre out having new tires put on your truckI come running. I come running in the hopes that maybe something will make you change your mind, and I live with the delusion that maybe being your fallback plan will change. Im worth more than being a fallback plan, just as you are worth more than being some womans one-night stand.
Id be lying if I said I wasnt wondering how you spent your weekend and if you were thinking about me at all.
Id be lying if I said I really didnt care.
I dont know if your kisses were a lie, but mine werent, and I wont say it was a mistake.
Please talk to me, Matt. We need to talk about thisno phones, no computers, no fumbled explanations in a restaurant parking lot.
Please.
Yours,
Eira
From:Matthew Noble
To:Eira Larson
Subject:RE: Please Read This Right NOW: Im Going to be Totally Honest
Date:October 12, 2004
Eira
I was out all weekend with friends, so it isnt that I chose to ignore you.
All I can say is that I think youre a great person, and I care about you as a friend. I wanted to feel more, but as I told you before, I dont.
I thought maybe Friday night would change things, make me feel something I didnt alreadythat it would be different to kiss you and hold youbut it wasnt.
I cant make myself feel something I dont. Thats the bottom lineI was trying to make myself feel something I dont; and in retrospect, it was a mistake.
But I wouldnt have known, had I not tried.
I think we should be able to take Friday night, keep the memory of it inside for warm, great thoughts of times past, and press on.
I wont do it again, make you suffer againbut you also have to understand that there will be nothing more. We never will be more than friends, but I dont want to lose our friendship over this.
I know it hurts, but youve been nothing but honest, so I want to give you honesty in return.
Matt
From:Eira Larson
To:Matthew Noble
Subject:RE: RE: Please Read This Right NOW: Im Going to be Totally Honest
Date:October 12, 2004
Matt
Thank you for getting back to me. And for being honest.
As I said before, the rational part of my brain knew that this was coming.
It struck me, though, as I read your e-mail, that you seem to be looking for instantaneous lightning bolts.
Sometimes, lightning never comes. Sometimes, its a whisper.
I wont lie and say that I want to take anything that happened on Friday night back.
The heart wants what it wants, and Ive wanted that for almost two years.
You didnt do anything wrong, and I dont think either of us should regret anything. I guess neither of us would have ever known if you hadnt taken the initiative; there always would have been that little bubble of wondering.
So maybe I should thank you for finally taking the risk.
I dont want our friendship to be damaged, either, but I also know it will be a little while before the sadness will wear from the memory of Friday night.
Still, Ill pick up and move on.
I always do, right?
But theres always sadness that comes along with the loss of hope, the realization that someone you trust with so much of yourself doesnt love you back.
So this is the part where I tell you theres nothing to worry about.
Ill be okay.
Were okay.
Everythings fine.
And eventually, maybe itll be true.
Eira
Those e-mails should have been the end of things. I should have shown some backbone, some courage, and allowed myself to get angry, rather than letting it so completely shatter me that I was weak enough to let things go on. It would have made more sense, really. But by then, I was past making sense of things. Sensible decisions seemed almost something I was incapable of, when it came to Matt. Or any guy in whom Id invested my heart, if I was perfectly honest. I created my own problems, but I was too blinded by emotions to see it.
Instead, though, I had allowed our friendship to continue. I sucked it up and decided that I was going to be a big girl about the whole situation.