I realized as I wrote that I was almost grateful for his presence. It was absurd, but the outrage he was arousing in me was like a balm for the confused feelings of frustrated anger that Matt was bringing to light. It certainly was a distraction, at any rate.
I smiled down at him and then at Matt, upping my wattage as I shifted my gaze.
Okay, then. Ill go put your orders in and be right back with those drinks, I said breezily.
I shoved my pen and pad in the pocket of my apron, turning on my heel to retreat to the sanctuary of the kitchen. There were way too many warring emotions coursing through me right now, and I wasnt quite sure which one would end up winning. It was a little too important for me to be able to keep my cool, both for the sake of my dignity, as well as for the sake of my job.
Eira, honey, whats wrong? You dont look so good, Maggie said, sidling up next to me as I punched the order into the computer. She laid a hand lightly on my back and gave me an appraising look.
Oh, Im fine, I sighed, not meeting her eyes for fear that I would give myself away.
Tell me another one, she replied.
Obviously, I needed to work on being more convincing. The woman was relentless, though, and I knew she would refuse to leave me alone with my thoughts if she had any inkling that something might be wrong. I gave her a sidelong glance, trying to be discreet about it so that she wouldnt catch me looking. I didnt want to give her any more reason to probe for details. There wasnt enough time or enough energy in me right now to get into explanations about what had me so tied up in knots.
Really, Im fine, I said firmly, finishing up at the computer and stepping away, hoping she would do me the favor of taking the hint.
Eira, I know you, and youre not fine.
I stopped in my tracks and looked over my shoulder at her, leveling my gaze.
Youre right. Im not. And I cant really explain anything right now, but I need you to have my back on this. I tossed my head in the direction of the dining room. Theres something out there that I really I paused, unsure of how to explain. Im clocking out, Maggie. Right now. Theres enough staff to cover dinner tonight, so Im going to clock out. Then Im going to pick up the drinks that I left on order at the bar and deliver them before I leave. After that, I swallowed a growing lump of apprehension in my throat, after that, I dont know. But I need you to back me up on this. Ill explain everything later.
I closed my eyes, willing Maggie not to press me for details.
Please, do this for me, Maggie. Please, I pleaded.
I opened my eyes to find her staring at me, studying my face and my posture. She bit back the protest that was obviously working its way off her tongue and nodded silently. I turned back towards the swinging doors of the kitchen, pushing through with a determination I didnt really feel, leaving her staring after me with concern.
Maggie was my best friend these days, someone I knew I could count on for anything, any time. Wed known each other for a couple of years now, but most of that time, it had just been on a casual level, the kind of acquaintance that is sporadic at best. We ran into one another at parties every once in a while, maybe caught a glimpse and exchanged a friendly wave or a smile across the room if we found ourselves in the same restaurant. But it had never really gelled into anything until the previous year, when Id started waiting tables.
Porterhouse was a small steakhouse with an intimate atmosphere, an exclusive menu, and a discriminating wine list all of which made it an up-and-coming gem in the eyes of the regions most persnickety foodies.
The locale didnt exactly hurt, either. With its red brick façade, leaded windows flanked by vintage lamps, and an antique door, the restaurant had an architectural charm that meshed seamlessly with its surroundings in downtown Pensacola, occupying a corner of Cervantes Street that was within walking distance of the citys cultural hub and most treasured scenery.
Id put in an application on a whim, needing a respite from the monotony of the corporate scene Id somehow become mired in. I wanted a job I could leave without worry of what was waiting for me the next day, something to take my mind off the life I was living that was so far from the one I thought I would have.
Maggie Blake was the restaurants owner, manager, and head waitress and her smile was more than a welcome sight on my first day of work. I had an ally, someone to show me the ropes, a familiar face among all the strangers whose names I would have to learn along with the menu. Since then, wed forged a friendship that had gotten me through some pretty low times, days when the burning pain of loneliness felt as fresh as if it had all happened yesterday.
Even without the fifteen-year age difference, Maggie and I were, by all admissions, complete opposites. She was petite and voluptuous with bright, bottle-blonde hair cut in a disheveled pixie that placed her features front and center. Big, round blue eyes were fringed by long eyelashes and offset with expertly tweezed eyebrows that seemed, at times, to be even more expressive than her tongue. She had a pert little nose and bee-stung lips, two attributes of which I was insanely jealous. Genetics had blessed her with a cup size that regularly made men swoon, though at the end of a long shift, she seemed to consider it more of a curse.
These were not the least of the ways in which Maggie and I differed from one another. She was fearless, candid, and brash. If Maggie saw something she wanted, she went for it without fear of failure.
I, conversely, was over-analytical, diplomatic, and level-headed.
Most of the time.
I was also constantly second-guessing myself and extremely self-conscious. Right now, I would have given anything to have half of her self-possession and fearlessness.
Would Maggie dump a drink in Matts lap or slap that oh-so-innocent smile off his face?
Probably.
I, however, was far too aware of the repercussions, so the drink would stay in the glass and my hands would stay a safe distance away from Matts face.
I tapped my info into the time clock and headed to the bar to gather the drinks from the bartender. I made my way back to the table, willing myself to forget how well I knew one of the men sitting there how he took his coffee, what kind of toothpaste he used, where all of his scars were.
I had to forget, if I was ever going to survive.
Obviously, it was possible to do he seemed to have done it so well himself.
We were beginning to think maybe you had to grow the corn and distill the Scotch yourself, said Matts dinner companion as I started to place his drink on the table. The man was nothing if not a bottomless font of insults.
I felt my anger boil as my grip tightened around the highball glass.
And suddenly, the Scotch was no longer safely contained in its glass. It was dripping down his face, into the lap of his overpriced Italian suit trousers.
The man stared at me in shock, suddenly silent as his brain processed what I had just done.
Before my own mind had a moment to reconsider, I picked up the remaining glass from my tray and dumped its contents into Matts own awe-slackened face.
I felt strangely liberated.
That, sir, I said, directing my first words to Matts dinner companion, was to teach you to treat people with a little more respect, even when theyre just a waitress. My voice was low with extremely controlled rage.
I felt more like shrieking, but I knew Id already gotten enough attention simply by dumping out the drinks. My eyes flashed hotly in Matts direction.
And you, I spat. Matt. The name came out like a dirty word. You. What the hell do you think youre doing here, acting like you dont know me? Are you really that callous that you couldnt just leave me alone? You had to come here and see just how messed up I was, have a little laugh at my expense? I fumed. Sorry to disappoint you, Matt. Im doing great. You did me a favor, you know that? At least I found out what a selfish coward you are before it was too late. I paused, trying to get my breathing under control. I only hope to God no woman is stupid enough to ever get involved with you.
I straightened my spine and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear as I regained my composure. Hair that was now back to its natural color, a light shade of brown that I had once considered unremarkable. Once Matt had left, returning to nature seemed almost a show of defiance, destruction of the red hair he had loved so much. It seemed to be a symbolic gesture, even though he wouldnt be there to see it.
Or so I had thought.
Enjoy your dinner, gentlemen. Your new server will be with you shortly.
I turned sharply on my heel, so swift that I was a little afraid I might stumble and ruin my exit.
My last glimpse of Matt and the other man at his table was satisfying, if Im being honest. They were both silenced by shock, and my tirade had been swift and deadly, leaving them without much opportunity to respond before I was gone again. I dashed out of the restaurant to my car and slumped into the drivers seat, exhausted and victorious.
Maybe all of this would finally, truly be behind me.
Where are we going, Matt? I asked, laughing as he drove excitedly down the busy street.
Youll see, he said simply, grinning wildly as he darted his truck in between the gathering afternoon traffic.
Why wont you just tell me and put me out of my misery?
And spoil the surprise? Uh uh. He slowed suddenly as we approached a turning lane and flicked his turning signal to life.
This is a car wash, I said, stating the obvious as we pulled into the parking lot of an automatic car wash. Didnt you just wash the truck yesterday? I looked at him inquisitively. I knew the man was a bit anal about keeping the exterior of his beloved little blue truck gleaming, but this was a whole new level Id never seen before. It hadnt rained, and from what Id seen, there was hardly a speck of dirt anywhere.
Yes, but that was different. He snuck a quick peek at my face. Dont look at me like that. I can explain, he said. When I was little, my dad would take me to the car wash, and wed sit in the car and watch all the wired brushes and sponges whipping around and covering everything in soapy bubbles. We had a rule that we had to hold our breaths for as long as we couldotherwise wed drown. Winner got an ice cream, Matt continued, his voice far off as he remembered those happy moments of his childhood. Hed never told me this one, and I felt as though he was letting me just a little farther into his heart. I always won, he said with a smile.
So what do you think? I asked Maggie three hours later, when we were sitting on her couch. The restaurant was closed for the night, and shed called me to insist that I come over and enlighten her on the evenings events.
As her employee and as her friend, I knew I owed her that much.
For the first half hour Id been there, Id talked about anything and everything except the man who has inspired such uncharacteristic behavior in me but I couldnt dodge her questions any longer.
Not that I really cared by that point.
There were too many questions all swirling around in my head for me to sort out, and I needed some outside input. I was hoping that maybe Maggie could help inject a dose of reality into everything, help me make sense of it all.
Or at least commiserate with me and come up some interesting scenarios to entertain my overworked brain.
Eee, Maggie said, calling me by the nickname shed given me. As your boss, I should be pissed and fire you for lack of professionalism, she intoned, playing with the empty coffee mug in her lap.
But as a woman, Maggie leveled her gaze at me soberly, then broke out into a wicked grin, as a woman, I want to give you a high five and tell you how much you rock. And you do, she continued, her smile deepening, accentuating her dimples. The guy deserved everything you gave him. More, actually. He broke your engagement and didnt have balls enough to really talk to you about any of it. He just up and disappeared like that, she finished, snapping her fingers. The sound seemed harsh in the otherwise quiet room.
Hes a total coward, and you were way too easy on him, if you want to know my honest opinion. I think if it was me, Id have castrated him.
You know, he didnt start out that way, I said, sounding more than slightly defensive. In the beginning, Matt really was a wonderfully guy, I stopped, registering the words that had just come out of my mouth.
Wait a minute. Was I defending him or me?
I met Maggies stare and shrugged sheepishly.
I know, I know. Was. Im going to shut up now and try to be satisfied with the fact that I got the last word.
I was silent for a moment, relishing the memory of Matt with Scotch dripping off his chin.
This whole thing is just so I dont know. Its a whole new level of cruelty that I really didnt think he was capable of.
Was I babbling?
Maggie raised an eyebrow. And you know this because you know him so well.
I looked at my hands, feeling a little like Id been slapped.
I thought I did, I said quietly.
That was unnecessary, even for me. Im sorry, Eee, Maggie said, sounding more apologetic than Id ever heard her. The pain must have been written plainly across my face.
On the upside, though, after you left, he really didnt seem to want me to fire you or put you on probation or anything. She shook her head in mild confusion. His friend, though. Wow. That guy was hot for me to chew you out. He was practically foaming at the mouth, insisting that his brother-in-law was a lawyer, and he could sue you so hard your childrens children would still be paying him. Matt had to calm him down and talk him out of it, but they didnt stick around long after your grand gesture. She smiled at the memory.
I gave her a shaky smile of my own, one that probably resembled something closer to a grimace.
Well. Thanks for understanding, Mags, and for letting me keep my job. Im just glad its over now, and I never have to see him again. Its fine. Im fine. Its aaaall fine, I said flatly, drawing out the word longer than necessary.
Uh huh.
I sighed and buried my head in one of the throw pillows.