Ill miss them all so much. She turned away. Ill go see about having the guys set up the table.
Before Rachel reached the living room, she heard masculine laughter. From the snatches she gathered, David and his brother were teasing their father about a fire hed once tried to start on a camping trip.
To this day, Tanner was saying as she entered the room, Mom still Oh, hey, Rach. He crossed the room to hug her, so like his brother in build and coloring that her return embrace was awkward. It had been such a long time since David had held her just to be close. She used to laugh at the way hed hug her from behind at silly timeswhile she was trying to put away groceries or brush her teeth. She missed those embraces, but as their married life had grown more tense, their physical relationship had withered.
Now, David watched her wordlessly from the hearth. Their gazes met, held, as the flames behind him crackled. Her stomach somersaulted, not with nausea this time but jitters. A confusing combination of dread and excitement reminiscent of a teenage crush. Zachariah Waide moved in for his hello, interrupting the visual contact.
Rachel regained her composure enough to smile up at him. Your wife sent me to remind you about the table.
He grunted in acknowledgment. Knew I forgot to do something. Come on, Tanner. You can help me while Rachel and David start opening boxes.
The tree stood in the corner. Someone had brought down four large containers, two cardboard and two clear plastic, of Christmas paraphernalia from the attic. After dinner, they would all help decorate. She thought of the Our New Home ornament shed put in Davids stocking their first year of marriage. It had fallen off the tree once, knocking off the chimney and cracking the roof on the little house, but hed glued it back on, insisting the ornament was as good as new.
Hey. He spoke first, not looking nearly as nervous as she felt.
After a moment, she realized she was studying him a bit too intently. He hitched an eyebrow questioningly.
So. Boxes, Rachel told herself. Much safer to divert her attention to the boxes. Where should we start?
He glanced down, considering. The lights. Might as well check to make sure theyre all working before we go to the trouble of putting them on the tree.
Rachel read Susans neat handwriting and meticulous labels. Assuming everything had been put away correctly, the lights should be in the cardboard box closest to her. She bent at the waist and unfolded the flaps.
Rachel straightened, saying over her shoulder, Here they What are you doing? she demanded as David hurriedly raised his gaze.
Hmm? he asked, not meeting her eyes.
Rachel frowned, the tingles shivering through her making her self-conscious. Was she crazy or had he actually been ogling her butt? Were you
Just standing here. Waiting for you to hand me one end of the lights so we can plug them in. But she wasnt the only one who was bad at subterfuge. Even with his head ducked, she recognized the glint in his eyesshed been his lover for five years.
She couldnt help grinning at how unconvincing he was. You lie.
Oh, really? He did look up then, his answering smile a challenge. What exactly are you accusing me of?
They both knew the answer to that, but she wasnt quite gutsy enough to vocalize it. Shed felt David pulling away physically, had thought for a while that he didnt find her attractive anymore. So, on the one hand, it was validating to catch him staring, made her feel feminine in a way she hadnt for a long time. On the other hand, theyd split up, even if they were the only ones here who knew that. Why confuse the issue with flirtatious conversation?
Never mind, she backpedaled. I was mistaken.
He moved toward her, reaching for the lights. No, you werent.
Please dont. She didnt want to be seduced by the mischievous note in his voice, reminded of everything good theyd sharedsure, the journey had had some high points, but that didnt change her unhappiness with where theyd arrived. And if he hadnt been just as miserable, David Waide would have fought for her.
When shed finally dredged up the nerve to confess she didnt think their marriage was working, that it had long since become a marriage based on technicalities rather than intimacy, shed braced herself for argument. Hed always been a man who refused to brook defeat. Hed once planted a tree that didnt successfully take root in the soil, but hed come back with some kind of specialized fertilizer and continued watering it for weeks, not ready to acknowledge that it was dead. Rachel had anticipated that hed tell her she was being melodramaticwhenever shed tried during the past year to broach the difficult conversation of their not being happy, hed turned into Mr. Optimism, automatically downplaying her fears and telling her he loved her. That they could do anything together (except possibly have a child). She wanted to appreciate his positive thinking, but it became more difficult over time in the wake of her growing frustration that he was not hearing her. After Thanksgiving, shed been determined to make him finally listen, but she hadnt expected him to capitulate so readily. Shed anticipated his saying that things would look better in the morning, his once again proposing immediate solutions before shed had a chance to fully articulate what she saw as the problems.
Instead, hed practically shrugged in agreement. Hed expended more effort on the damn tree.
Why now? she muttered under her breath.
David paused. What do you mean?
She rolled her shoulders, trying to alleviate some of the growing tension.
Not even the small motion got by him. You need one of my famous back rubs.
I dont think so. If the mere brush of his fingers this morning had caused a zing, what would happen with her muscles warm under his touch? Annoyed by how tempting the offer sounded, she glared. Dont flirt with me. Not now, not after months of
What, not touching you? He was even closer now, his voice lowered to give them privacy. You pushed me away, Rach. You made it clear you didnt want me looking at your body. Unless it was for procreation.
She flinched. During the hormone treatments, shed tried to explain to him how the side effects sometimes made her feel like a stranger in her own skin. But David, for all that he paid lip service to being there for her, could grow impatient with discussions that didnt have easy answers. If she tried to tell him that she didnt feel like herself, didnt feel sexy, hed roll his eyes and tell her that she was being neurotic, that she looked just fine to him. Somehow, being called neurotic wasnt a big turn-on for her.
If I seemed uninterested, he continued, I was just trying to respect your wishes. I wanted to take care of you.
I know, David. But thats not what I wanted. They were supposed to take care of each other, except that hed never seemed to need her.
You dont consider that part of a husbands job? He was looking distinctly irritated now. Taking care of his wife?
Its a nice sentiment, but you got more and more Paternal? That would not sit well with him and wasnt exactly what she meant anyway. We dont have to talk about this.
You mean you dont want to talk about it.
Her hands trembled as she uncoiled lights. Were supposed to be having a fun, festive family evening. Why ruin it with accusations that wont change anything thats happened?
Youre right. He took his end of the lights toward the outlet, the electric string stretched out between them. A second later, the entire strand began twinkling white in a cheery rhythm.
Rachel sat back on her heels. Looks like they all work.
Yeah. Guess theres nothing here I can fix. With that, he spun on his heel and left.
Which was only fair, she supposed. After all, shed left him first.
DINNER did a lot more to restore Rachels spirits than she would have guessed possible. She sat safely buffered between her father-in-law and Lilah. The bride-to-be chattered excitedly about her upcoming wedding. Everyone else was mostly free to nod and enjoy the home cooking. Susans food was the old-fashioned, hearty kind that comforted the soul, carbs be damned.
When Arianne finished eating, she pushed away her plate and interrupted discussion of flowers, lace and music with a wicked grin. You havent mentioned the most important partthe bachelorette party!
Tanner groaned.
Arianne ignored him. Come on, Li. Im the maid of honor. Its part of my job description. I wasnt even legally old enough to participate in the champagne toast when Rachel and David got marriedyoure not going to rob me of my fun now, are you? Besides, it will drive my brother crazy wondering what I have in store, and he picked on me a lot when I was younger.
Smacking a hand to his forehead, Tanner asked, Would it help if I apologized for that now?
Not so much, Arianne said sweetly. She turned back to her friend. You trust me, right?
Lilah laughed knowingly. Not even a little. Rach, youll help Arianne with the party plans, wont you? Make sure she doesnt get too crazy.
Oh, I dont know, Rachel heard herself say. Maybe we could all use a crazy girls night.
Yes! Arianne clapped her palms together. Good to have you on board. Now, Lilah, you have a valid passport, right?
Throughout the rest of the meal, Rachel and Arianne brainstormed facetious party ideas, each more outlandish than the last. If anyone noticed that David wasnt laughing quite as much as the rest of the family, no one drew attention to it. Clearing the table went quickly with so many helping hands, and they adjourned to the dining room, where the bare green Christmas tree waited.
Aunt Shelby always popped popcorn to string on the tree, Lilah told them, but Uncle Ray and I usually ate most of it.
Tanner lifted his hand to her lips, pressing a quick kiss across her knuckles. Just think, soon well be able to start our own family traditions.
Susan glanced up from the piles she was makingsorting decorations by the room she planned to use them inand smiled at Rachel. Hows your family doing, dear? They have big plans for the holidays?
It occurred to Rachel then that her parents had never come to Mistletoe to see her for Christmas; they stayed in South Carolina to celebrate with Kate and her husband. It would have been nice if just once Well. That hardly mattered now.
She cleared her throat. Actually, I talked to my sister the other day, and she did have some big news. Theyre expecting their second child.
Even though Rachel kept her gaze locked on Susan and couldnt really see Davids expression, she felt him tense, felt his sudden vibe of oh, babe. He would know more than anyone how deeply Kates happy news had cut and how disgusted Rachel was with herself because of that.
There was a flicker of what might have been pity in Susans eyes, too, but she smiled brightly. Your parents must be thrilled.
Undoubtedly, Rachel said automatically. You know, I have this craving for hot chocolate. Can I make some for everybody?
She got several enthusiastic responses and promised extra marshmallows to Tanner before escaping the room. The pot of milk on the stove had barely begun to bubble when she heard footsteps behind her. Oh, please let that be Arianne. But she knew better.
Thought Id come see if you could use some help, her husband said.
Emotionally frayed, she snapped, Im perfectly capable of managing hot chocolate.
Rachel. That was all, just her name and a wealth of understanding.
She slumped, feeling like a shrew. Im sorry. Being around David somehow brought out the worst in her. For that alone, shed be eager to get out of Mistletoe. If she couldnt rediscover the person shed once been, at least she could reshape herself into someone less wretched.
You should have told me, he said. About Kate.
Rachel smiled fondly. And what would you have done?
He was quiet for a moment, then smiled back. Been extremely frustrated about the unfairness of life?
The thing about David was that he believed he was a good listener. He meant well. But he liked solving problems and grew impatient when something didnt have a tidy solution. As their marriage went on, the problems between them had become more and more complex. And shed turned to him less and less.
Im handling it okay, she lied, spooning cocoa into the mugs on the counter. I just wasnt expecting it to come up tonight.
He crossed to the pantry and retrieved a bag of marshmallows. Then he was at her side, dumping a few into each cup. Rachel couldnt help breathing in his scent.
You smell even better than the chocolate. Startled, she cast about for a way to take back the words.
Thank you. David inclined his head, his expression unreadable. My wife got me this cologne for my birthday.
Suddenly there was a hissing sound, and Rachel realized the milk was boiling over, a violent froth spilling from the pot. It would seem that she was incapable of making hot chocolate without help. Then again, it was her helper whod distracted her in the first place.
David cleaned up the mess while she filled mugs. He carried the first batch into the next room. When she followed a few moments later, Tanner snapped his fingers, shaking his head at the archway shed walked through.
Another minute, he said, and I would have had the mistletoe up. David could have caught you beneath it.
Arianne, wearing her long-suffering single-gal-surrounded-by-happy-couples expression, thumped him on the shoulder. Theyre married, moron. He can kiss her anytime. This isnt like when you were courting Lilah and practically had to trick her into kissing you.
Lilah muffled a laugh and Tanner looked sheepish. It was no secret that hed once screwed up their relationship and had to fight to win her back. At least he thought she was worth fighting for.
Rachel blinked, surprised by her melancholy. She should probably be relieved that David had accepted her decision so easily and hadnt made the separation even harder than it was.
From her position at the tree, Susan glanced at her. Rachel, dear, we should have you take some pictures for us.
If I can use your camera? Rachel set her mug on a coaster. I broke mine on Thanksgiving.