He stopped for a moment to take a breath and continued:
Studying and studying, that was always the only thing that interested you. I dont remember if youve ever gone to any parties with your friends, those that I know so well from the endless hours that youve all spent studying to complete your course, but I also remember how on vacation, they would call you up to go out and you would make excuses, I have to revise. But were done and youve got great grades, they told you, and you wouldnt be persuaded. Youd spend the afternoon here at home, locked in your room among those huge legal tomes, saying you still had a little bit to get through.
Well, thats in the past now, said Mom interrupting at that point, and thanks to them she managed to finish at the top of her class, which helped her greatly when it came to setting up the practice and finding her first clients, but now were talking about something else, her life, not her career and I think thats more important.
Darling, I think its a good idea for you to spend a week at that convent youre talking about, that you live with them and that you know there are other things in the world, but I think the decision to stay there permanently is something you have to sleep on.
Mom, Ive already done that, do you think I havent spent a lot of sleepless nights thinking about how to tell you? About what I can add when you try to dissuade me? I told the superior once that maybe I wasnt strong enough to act against your wishes and she replied that
Wait, what are you saying? Who did you talk to about this before us? my father asked interrupting what she was telling us.
Dad, I just told the superior, I needed to talk to her and clarify things, and she said:
Dont worry, you know youre not alone, follow the call, and from there youll find the strength.
What are you talking about? asked my father. What call? I dont understand anything today, and who is that woman?
Well, shes the superior of the place where I want to go, said my sister smiling and approaching him. She wanted to give him a kiss.
No, dont try to flatter me, youre not going to convince me, he said, pulling his face back. You, the best lawyer in La Coruña, the one that everyone wants to work with, youre going to throw everything away, I could never agree with that. In my opinion, its a very unfortunate decision.
Turning his back, he left the room and locked himself in the bathroom for the rest of the afternoon, and even though we asked him to come out, he refused and said:
Nope, Ive had enough upsets for today.
It was only when Carmen had left, saying that it was getting late and that she couldnt stay any longer, that he came out and went to his bedroom.
I ran into him in the hallway when he left, I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye and I could see that his eyes were bloodshot. He had been crying, so he hadnt wanted to come out and his face was gloomy. I didnt say anything to him and I let him go into his bedroom, where he apparently went to bed and did not want to come out for dinner.
Our mother told us that when she went in to tell him that dinner was on the table, he had answered:
Im for dinner!
<<<<< >>>>>
I havent told you yet. My name is Manuel, Im from Santiago de Compostela. My father is a civil servant in the Treasury Department, his father was a lawyer, Im named after him.
I have four siblings; two brothers and two sisters. The oldest is Carmen, whos named after my maternal grandmother, and the youngest is Sagrario, after my paternal grandmother, but we all call her Chelito. My two brothers are twins, which always surprised family and friends, because there had never been any twins among anyone we knew. One is called Antonio, we affectionately call him Tono, after one of my grandfathers, my mothers father, who passed away some time ago and we never met him. The other is Carlos, or Carlitos to the family, after my uncle, the only one we have, my mothers brother.
As a child I had always said I wanted to be a doctor, to heal the wounds of other kids, even though my family, and above all my grandfather, wanted me to be a lawyer like him.
Youll help me when youre older and you finish your studies. Im getting older and I need you to give me a hand in the office, he would say whenever he had the chance.
That couldnt be and he was disappointed, although never for long, because when he said that to me, Carmen would always respond:
Ill help you Grandpa and youll see, you just teach me what to do, and Ill do it well.
Although it wasnt really the norm for a woman to study law, she was clear when deciding and choosing a career. She never doubted it for a moment, and of course nobody in the family was surprised, although my mother protested saying:
Girl, that way were never going to get you married. Whos going to want to be weighed down by a little know-it-all who knows so many laws?
But everyone had assumed that it was truly what she wanted to do, and they always supported her.
Our life was simple, all things considered. Before I was born, my parents and Carmen lived in my grandparents house. Some houses were built; I think they said they were for civil servants. My father requested one, and he was lucky enough to be allocated one. It was a great delight for them, although my grandmother Sagrario wasnt very happy about it. She asked how she would see her granddaughter grow up if they took her away from her, that they didnt have to leave, that there was room for everyone in her house, which was indeed very large.
Those houses were a little outside the center of Santiago de Compostela, and of course my grandmother said:
Thats why theyre so cheap, because no one can get there. Thats just a field for animals, not for people to live in.
They were accustomed to always living in the heart of Santiago, right next to the cathedral, which of course has its advantages, but Ive always wondered how they could sleep with the bells ringing every so often.
When I stayed in the house for the night every now and then, it seemed to me that they never stopped ringing. When I heard it I would think to myself, who cares what time it is in the middle of the night, when everyone is supposed to be asleep? Who was listening? Of course I dont think anyone would be listening for the first bell, but surely everyone would hear the bell after it. Just being in those rooms we would already be lying there with our eyes wide open and then the bells; at one, at two, at three Yes, we already knew that every night has those hours, and no it wasnt necessary to remind us.
My grandmother found my protests amusing, but said:
Young Manu, the bells are good company.
I never understood. I always wanted to tell her that they were really annoying and that they sounded awful.
Shortly after being in the new house, my parents had me, according to what Ive been told, because as you would imagine, I was too small to remember. It was an excuse for a big party. My father invited all of his colleagues and my grandparents also came with a friend. It was unusual for a son to have his own house, rented yes, but to own it? That was unheard of. Where would a young man get the money to pay for it?
Weve been a family like so many others, very close, but also like many other Galicians, weve had an emigrant; my uncle Carlos, my mothers only brother. He said one day that he was leaving and there was no way to convince him otherwise. Thats what my mother told us, when any of us asked her about why he had left.
Shortly after being in the new house, my parents had me, according to what Ive been told, because as you would imagine, I was too small to remember. It was an excuse for a big party. My father invited all of his colleagues and my grandparents also came with a friend. It was unusual for a son to have his own house, rented yes, but to own it? That was unheard of. Where would a young man get the money to pay for it?
Weve been a family like so many others, very close, but also like many other Galicians, weve had an emigrant; my uncle Carlos, my mothers only brother. He said one day that he was leaving and there was no way to convince him otherwise. Thats what my mother told us, when any of us asked her about why he had left.
I have a memory from those happy years of my distant childhood. When I was little, Evita Perón, at that time the wife of General Perón, who was the leader of Argentina, was going to come to Spain. At school they told us how after the war, she had insisted that meat be sent from her country to Spain, and it seems that thanks to that, many people were saved from starvation.
Because of their visit, they showed us where Argentina was, and I still remember those old pictures the teacher showed us. Depictions of gauchos with those big pants, mounted on their horses with their bolas in hand, those cords with the little ball at the end. Even though Don Juan, the teacher, explained to us how they used them, none of us could understand how they could hit their target from a running horse. What an aim they must have had.
He also showed us pictures of the Argentine pampas, those enormous plains without a single mountain, something that really fascinated all the children in my class, accustomed as we were to seeing mountains everywhere.
We could not imagine that there was a place without mountains and we told the teacher that surely someone had erased them from that picture.
What our teacher told us that day became etched on my memory, that it didnt matter what you believed in, that you just had to always be a good person and think about helping others.
How did those two things relate to each other? At first I didnt understand it, but I think it clicked in time.
That lady, being an artist, because I think she did theater, must not have been viewed very positively at that time by the Church, but in spite of that she persisted, and had helped to stave off famine for people so far from where she lived and so unknown to her.
I was remembering all of this now that I was so involved in the search for answers. Why are people compelled to perform a task, like helping others in a distant country? What would it matter to them? While others, who are nevertheless nearby, dont bat an eyelid when they see someone at the side of the road with a problem, and they continue on with their lives as if nothing happened.
They had always taught us at home to help, to listen and, above all, not to believe ourselves to be better than others.
I remember that very well, thats why on that long ago day when I told my mother that I was an atheist, I had also added when she had calmed down and I could continue talking:
Mom, relax. Ill never forget what youve taught me since I was little, to be good to others, but I feel that having faith is something different. I have to experiment for myself, and see things from my own point of view. I dont know what I want, its something, but I dont know what it is yet. There was a day when I was having a chat with Carmen about these matters, I went on telling my mother, and she told me that shed had a discussion with Don Ignacio (our parish priest) and hed replied that the important thing was to be a good person, regardless of your beliefs. I think that answer is very wise, Ive always liked that priest, but since that day, I tell you Ive liked him more. That doesnt mean Im going to go see him. I dont want to be his friend or anything like that, but I liked his answer, because it coincides with my way of thinking.
After waiting a few minutes to give her time to absorb what Id said, I continued saying to my mother:
Listen, one day at the university, some girls were talking. They were saying that when us boys left our parents house, we forgot everything, and in order to make ourselves seem tough, we would say that we didnt believe. I interrupted them and told them that it wasnt like that. What happened was that there came a point in our lives when we raised issues that we didnt know how to respond to, and that lead us to distance ourselves from everything we knew, to clarify our ideas.
And how did they respond to you? my mother asked me, and it seemed to me that she was interested in what I was saying.
Nothing, they were silent, and they continued walking down the corridor, then they went into their class which was about to begin.
And you, whats gotten into you that youre now leaving me with the idea that youre an atheist? To tell you the truth, it sounds like youre a communist, a Russian, or I dont know what. Of course, call it what you will, I dont like it at all, I dont think its a good thing, she was saying a little angrily.
Mom, theyre completely different things. A Russian is like a Spaniard, a Spaniard was born in Spain and thats why hes Spanish, and a Russian was born in Russia and thats why hes Russian. If I had been born in France, I would be French, and so on for all of us just because of the place where they were born.
Why do they call them communists? she asked interrupting me.
Look, thats a different matter altogether, why are you Catholic? I asked.
What a nonsensical question, what else am I going to be? she asked half irritated.
Yes, you call yourself a Catholic, I went on, because you profess the Catholic Religion, youve been baptized and you go to Church.
And them? Why dont they? she asked with a certain tone of curiosity.
Look, thats why some people are labeled Communists, because just like here in Spain, there will be some people who arent Catholic
But son, she interrupted, thats impossible. Well, there will be some who have come on a journey from another country, but here were all Catholics.
Okay, youre right, I gave in to her so as not to get deeper into something that I saw was starting to bother her.
Turning around, I was going to cut the conversation short, as we began to hear Chelito calling. She had woken up and did not want to be alone, although we both noticed by her voice that the fever had gone down and she was feeling better, especially because we heard her say:
Mom, Mom, arent you going to give me lunch today? Im starving, have you forgotten that I havent had breakfast?
Smiling, the two of us headed to her room, with what Id said having settled that talk that Id been delaying for a while for fear of how she would take it.
Now I had to tell my father, but he was more understanding, and now that Mom knew, Im sure she would tell him as soon as he arrived, so it would make things simpler for me. It would also be made easier because Carmen would also be coming home with him, and I knew she was on my side, because wed talked very seriously about it, in fact, it was she who told me:
Tell him and dont let more time pass, its best for everyone.
I hadnt yet decided to share it with my parents because, as I said to Carmen, I wasnt ready, but she, who has always been very prudent, made me see that every day that passed with that secret would make it harder for me to tell them, and thats what helped me to decide.