Theory of emotional relativity
Practical guide to the development of awareness and emotional intelligence
Inna Zakharova
Idea and Editor Evgeny Zakharov
Editor Alena Rabkevich
Translator Anastasia Stepanova
© Inna Zakharova, 2020
Created with Ridero smart publishing system
Preface
The development of emotional intelligence is gaining increasing importance (is becoming more popular nowadays). But what it means, no one fully understands. There are many definitions of this concept, the main one is the ability to understand and manage your own emotions and those of the people around you. But is that enough? What does it mean to understand emotions?
To understand the emotion, first of all, you should know how to identify it, give it a name and change if necessary. The mechanism of the birth of emotions is not so simple, the emotion is not born in a random order, it connects with our innermost psychological processes in the structure of our personality. Emotions are not only a reaction to the real circumstances in our life, but a kind of connection with our ancestors, with the more global systems family, dynasty and nation. We feel only 10% of emotions from the present moment, the rest 90% is emotions in the combination of systemic feelings connected with our deepest convictions which appeared far in the past, long before our birth, they are kept in our subconscious and manage our life.
But first things first.
To start, we are offering to open a test at the end of the book and define your subjective level of Emotional Intelligence to notice the changes that will happen with you while reading Theory of Emotional Relativity.
Gratitude
Weve done it! Finally, the book took the very shape that is in front of you. I am happy and at the same time I dont believe that weve managed to transfer the years of experience into an easy-to-read text. Perhaps, you notice, my dear readers, I always use the plural number? And this is not because of superiority complex but because of a lot of people devoted their energies to create this work. I begin with the first and the most important heroes of this book our clients and those who had enough courage to dive into the ocean of unclear emotions, adapt and become a captain who manages his Life boat. Your endless trust, surprised and inspired eyes were that very light put us in the right way. Your sincere interest and readiness to study from the beginning unconscious flow and stabling blocks of emotional life sphere let us create and improve our models and algorithms. And your obvious transformations during our training programs and consultations gave us constant confirmations of effectiveness and usefulness of our work. Your gratitude as the main of senses (you know!), supported me and my team on the way to creation.
Id also like to express gratitude to my parents who gave me birth and love and, as well as my countless teachers whom I dont even dare to name so as not to miss someone. Your lectures, trainings, practical tasks, master-classes, webinars and books formed my life approach. Coaching, Enneagram, NLP, Family Constellation mastered directions through your help. Each of these methods shed light on emotional life sides and all together acquired the necessary volume and consistency.
This book has never shaped without my favorite osteopath, attentive and interested listener, friend, opponent, coach, transcriber and text editor, Alena Rabkevich. A year left when you agreed to accept this challenge, and support, and help me to create this Emotional Bestseller, The Book of Emotional Changes, The Book of Feelings and Practical Guide for the Development of Awareness and Emotional Intelligence. Thank you so much for your attention, which you were listening to my emotional narratives with, asked me clarifying questions, made me look for and find simple and clear examples describing difficult things. The time together, spending on the book creation, glided effectively.
And the biggest thank to my husband, Evgeny, he is my personal trainer and coach, who was constantly urging me and terrorizing me to finish this book, that he even agreed to write these thanks to everyone involved instead of me. Here he is so cool and modest, and I love him very much, although he infuriates me regularly.
Thanks a lot.Inna ZakharovaHuman Needs
A need is a state of a living being, expressing a dependence on what constitutes the conditions of its existence. A. Maslow in his pyramid described these needs. They can be divided into three varieties: physiological needs, psychological needs, spiritual needs.
Every person has his leading psychological need. The need can be considered as a basic one if it is satisfied by the following conditions:
if needs are totally unsatisfied, it leads to a disease
if needs are satisfied, it cures a disease
In conditions of free choice, a person prefers to satisfy this particular need
As for physiological needs, everything is clear and obvious. If you dont satisfy such needs as eating, sleeping, breathing and drinking our body begins hurting and at the end died. Even an unsatisfied need in sexual relationships leads to race suicide. Our instincts, innate behavioral patterns, control satisfying these needs. The goal of instincts is to automatize all processes which help our organism to survive.
As for psychological needs, everything is not so clear. Emotions are instincts of a higher order. Their aim is to emphasize the importance of certain conditions for fulfilling actual needs.
Since ancient times, almost all living creatures cared for unity to deal with external threats, because where alone cannot cope with together will be able to: One man, no man.
So there is an important need of man to belong, to be part of something larger, and at the same time, a very strong fear of exclusion appears, which could mean certain death.
A group of people, united by one common goal is a system and the borders of this system define certain rules, which all group members must follow them. Following the hierarchy and following the rules means recognizing and respecting the whole system. Violation of the rules is followed by punishment, the most serious one is liquidation or exclusion. Duties and rights are determined by the hierarchy, which is also an important component of the system, primarily the tribal system, and all other systems are built on its principle.
It turns out that the opportunity to belong to a group carries new dangers: how to survive within a group, how to become an important part of it, to get better conditions for existence within a group, to take its place in the hierarchy (its good when you have a higher position: you have more rights and better conditions, but there are more responsibilities).
Studying emotional intelligence, we cannot consider a person as a separate unit. Man is a social being, and emotions are a connection with everyone around us. Emotions are always relationships, if there are emotions, it means there are relationships. There are always emotions, so we are always in a relationship. Even if a person is moved to a complete vacuum, he will have relationships and will experience emotions, primarily towards himself.
Relations with oneself are also systemic in nature, each I consists of mother + father. Self-attitude is formed on the basis of each parents self-relationship + partnerships + parent-child relationship up to the 7th generation in geometric progression.
As a result, the fate of 254 people of our family can influence us, we can add to them people who seriously affected the system (aggressors, victims, philanthropists of large sums, etc.), because they also became a part of the system. It does not matter when such events happened, if at that moment the incident was not accepted, the emotional tension is maintained and transmitted on an emotional level from generation to generation.
Feelings are emotions of a higher order. Their goal is to emphasize phenomena which have stable motivating importance. For example, if your ancestors were starving, you will keep to diets or be anxious about an empty refrigerator. If there were abandoned children in the system, you will have a desire to help orphanages, pick up homeless animals, think of adopting children, or you do not want to have children at all. Usually people dont even realize the reason for this behavior: I just dont like children and this may be a systemic feeling of guilt or even belonging. In order to fit into the system, we can do not only good and gracious things, but also things that other people condemn. For example, a teenager smokes to be a part of the company of smoking friends. So a girl can easily have an abortion if her mother and grandmother did it, and will not grieve, since this has already been a systemic rule, the women in this family do in this way, and she is one of them. And it doesnt matter that the grandmother had an abortion in order to survive, the mother, in order to feed the elders, the granddaughter can do this simply because 25 years is not the time to give birth, I need to build a career. There are no simple cause-and-effect relationships; the logic in family systems is circular.
To realize the importance of the emotional component of our life and the influence of our emotions not only our lives, but also on our descendants, we should consider emotions from a systemic point of view. In subsequent chapters, we will consider systemic laws and feelings that monitor their implementation. So, what are psychological needs and what applies to them:
Safety is lack of anxiety about the future, balance of stability/change, adequate resources for survival, support, internal leadership, faith.
Love is acceptance, attention, communication, unity, belonging.
Respect is the protection and expansion of the boundaries of influence, significance, independence, autonomy, rules, order.
It turns out that psychological satisfaction is having your place in a larger-scale system where you are supported and respected the boundaries of your spheres of influence, which are constantly expanding with maturation. This is happiness.
A man needs to be loved, understood, recognized, respected and be close to someone; he also needs to be successful in business, studies and work; has an opportunity to fulfill his potential, develop his abilities, improve himself, respect himself. The general law here is simple: A positive attitude towards oneself and satisfied needs are the basis of psychological health.
What is important to remember:
1. Satisfying basic needs is a condition of survival.
2. It is distinguished between physical, psychological and spiritual needs.
3. Instincts, emotions, feelings arose in the process of evolution to automate the satisfaction of needs, that is, the conditions of survival.
4. Feelings in the present moment are a connection to the past and an attitude towards the future.
Self-perception
Having been born, the child automatically gets its place in the family system. Satisfying his needs is entire parents responsibility. The development level of the childs personality depends on parental ability to cope with it. All three psychological needs are important. This means that it is important to take care of the child and help him to feel safe, at the same time to give him the opportunity to cope with problems on his own to feel respect for himself, look at him kindly, speak kind words, have tactile contact that the child feels love. On the basis of these attitudes, which determine the attitude towards oneself and the world, the entire emotional sphere of a growing-up child is formed, which comes to life.
Three main patterns:
1. The world is safe. I have all the resources to come over problems. In this case, the need for security will be satisfied by internal resources, a person trusts his feelings and thoughts, fearlessly makes his own decisions regarding his life. This attitude helps to feel calm, confident in a situation of uncertainty. Otherwise, there is a pattern The world is unpredictable and full of dangers. I dont have enough strength to cope with it, it forces a person to seek security at the expense of external resources If others support me and circumstances will help me, then I can get through them, then all his decisions are determined by the situation, but he does not rely on his own feelings and thoughts, but on the opinion of significant people who still questioned.
Self-confidence (security)
2. I accept myself as I am. I am interesting and valuable for myself. This internal pattern is a characteristic of those people who love and value themselves, it allows them to be themselves in any situation, and dont be dependable on the assessment of others, such people calmly remain alone with themselves, privacy for them is an opportunity to stay in company with an interesting person. Otherwise, there is a pattern: I do not accept myself as I am. I am not interesting and not valuable for myself. People usually treat themselves in this way and dont even realize it, carefully hiding their weaknesses, prettifying themselves with external attributes, stories, reinforcing themselves, wanting attention and acceptance from others: If Im interesting and attractive to other people, I like myself. Thus, receiving confirmation that he can be loved. Or If others do not notice me, if they do not admire me, do not thank me, so I am not good enough for myself. Such people are most afraid of loneliness, it is perceived as rejection, exclusion.
Self-love
3. I am, I am important, I am significant as an independent unit. This pattern allows a person to feel the strength in himself to influence his life, start significant projects with a challenge, move to his own desires, focus on himself, first of all, be responsible for his decisions and desires. With such a life position, a person decides what to do, but not to think about ideas which help him not to do anything. This is an adult position and adult freedom. The opposite self-perception is: I dont feel my own significance and importance, I cant influence anything. In this case, it is observed as an aggressive desire to make others respect himself: If I dont depend on anyone, people ask for my permission and opinions, listen to me, so Im an important person, or total sufferance when a person is absent in his own life and fully under the influence of loved ones: Anything rather than conflicts. Having a strong will to compensate the lack of respect for himself, a person seeks external confirmation. If he does not find it, he experiences extremely negative feelings: If I am dependent on others, people neglect my opinion; my voice does not affect anything, which means I do not consider myself important.