Do you remember at school, when Laura took that message over to the kitchens, and they were putting the cabbage on at half-past nine?
A further blank distaste fell into Juliannes eyes. Well not discuss our academy, she said. But I must say for it, that at least at the end of the day they let us go to our own homes to eat and have baths.
There are communal arrangements, I said.
Are there mirrors?
What?
Are there full-length mirrors? In the bathrooms?
No. Only pipes. Steam. The water is hot. There are white tiles, not much cracked, and scouring powder on a ledge, for when youve done.
I dont see how youre expected to manage it. To take a bath without a mirror.
I kept quiet. It had never seemed to me essential. Even important at all. Theyre only along the corridor, I said. Three bathrooms in a row. Theres no reason why I should describe them to you.
I like to have you describe things, she said moodily. Descriptions are your strong point. God knows why you want to be reading law. Vanity, I suppose. You want to show your frightful grinding omnicompetence. She looked about her. I see youve taken the best desk. The best bed.
She sat down on her own bed, and began to simper. At the hair, she explained. Come now, Carmel, how can you bear to leave the old country behind? A girl like you, brought up with every advantagethe rag rugs, the flying ducks on the wall
We dont, actually, have any flying ducks. Though my aunt has them.
Maybe not, but I expect you have one of those fireside sets, do you, with little gilt tongs and a gilt shovel?
I smiled, in spite of myself.
Shingled, she said. Would that be the word? Cropped. Shaved. She pointed. Do you know how that head of yours affects me? Sitting behind your straggly pigtails year in, year out, with your ribbons with the ends cut in Vs like they do them on wreaths
I didnt know that.
and then to walk in here, Miss, to a room in London in this Hall of Residence, where we are confined at Her Majestys PleasureWhat do you think, would they let us move out and get a flat?
Together?
Why not?
What about my lower-class ways?
She blew smoke at me. I have an urge to say to you, Bejasus!
Is that so?
It would be nice if we went about and talked like an Edna OBrien novel. It would suit us.
Yes, it would become us, I said. We havent the class for Girls of Slender Means.
Speak for yourself. You charwomans daughter. Julianne wiped her eyes, but then she began to laugh again almost at once.
I told her about the poems that ran around in my head. She said, You need to be taken out of yourself. We should go out and do some living. We could go to some students union or other, we must belong to them now. We will have a bottle or two of Guinness, will we? To build us up?
There was a sound of revelry by night, I said to myself. I could have bitten the secret tongue in my brain that said it. Why did I think I was preparing for the Battle of Waterloo? Julianne made everything seem normal, but it was not normal for me. Her home was recoverable; she could travel to it next weekend, if she wished, and tumble into her frilly bed in her familiar room. I could not return until Christmasat which point I could reclaim a fare from my local authority. Her parents, she had said, had offered to drive her down, see her installed, inspect her room and add a luxury or two; but she thought it better to make the break, get clean away on the Euston train, and besides, they must realize her accommodation was shared, and I might have brought my own luxuries with me.
I fought off self-pity: which Juliannes words, on the whole, seemed designed to stimulate. I felt homesick already, and poor, more with the apprehension of poverty than with an actual lack in my purse; my right arm, that racked limb, did not feel as if it would support the weight of a bag of textbooks. If only the work would begin: the ink, the files, the grit behind sleepless eyes, the muffled tread of the invigilators. That was what I had come here for: to make my way, to make my living.
There was a knock on the door. Julianne bounced across the room. It was the porter, bringing her suitcase. Put it there! she sang. She stretched her arms wideLady Bountiful. There was a plum cake inside her travelling bags, baked at home and sealed in a tin. She knew how to manage her life, how to go away from home. I thought of her father, the doctor; of her three brothers, who at their school played lacrosse. Brothers are an advantage, in the great world; they give a girl the faculty of easy contempt for men. Juliannes skin seemed polished; she was altogether more apt for adventure, more translatable.
Julianne, I said, you havent mentioned the obvious fact.
She stretched her eyes. Where is it obvious, where, the obvious fact?
You know I mean Karina.
Spare me, Julianne said.
She hasnt got here yet, at least so far as I
Even so. Spare me.
They asked if you wanted to share with her.
Julianne stared at me. Where in Gods name did they get that idea?
I smiled inside. They only asked. I think it was a formality.
I hope you requested them to put her very far away, in the lowest, highest
In fact shes next door.
Youre not telling me you let them
No, OK. Im lying. Shes on this corridor. C21. For I had seen the wardens pencil moving swiftly over the lists, allocating numbers and floors. Quite far away.
Who with?
A stranger.
It would have to be. A stranger, it would have to be. If you had pulled some trick, she said, and left me with Karina, I would never have spoken to you again. She thought for a moment. I would have run up to you in the street with a specially made snagger and laddered your best tights. I would have got a packet of Durex and written on them From Carmel to Niall, in anticipation, and I would have taken them out of the packet and stuck pins in them all over and then folded them back in and sealed up the seal and posted them to your boyfriend and written SWALK on the envelope.
Finished now?
Sealed With A Loving Kiss, she said.
I wanted to plead, and say, but Karina, we are going to, you know, be friends with her? Arent we? But I couldnt. It sounded too childish. As if we hadnt moved on. I picked up my packet of Players and tossed it on to Juliannes bed. There you are. Ive given up smoking,
She gaped at me. Youve only just begun it.
Even in my habits I mean to be fickle.
Julianne laughed. Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood. Rings on her fingers and bells on her toes.
Two
I never knew what nationality Karina was: or, as I believe, what mixture of nationalities. Im English, she would say defiantly. Perhaps this hurt her parents. When she was ten or so they wanted to send her off to a Saturday school, so that she could learn to read and write in her native languages, and learn folk-songs and folk-dances, and have national costumes. Stoutly, dumbly, she resisted this. Wear a stupid apron! was all she said. Wear a stupid bonnet!
It torments me now, that I am so vague: were her parents Polish, Ukrainian, Estonian? If they themselves didnt share a native tongue, that would explain why in their household communication was often in rudimentary English. I remember them as shapeless, silent people, in woollen clothes which they wore in many layers. They both worked in the mills, in jobs that required no verbal facility, in rooms where the clatter of the machines was so loud that speech was impossible anyway.
Karinas house was just up the street from mine, just up Curzon Street. The houses on Curzon Street were made of red brick, like the houses in all the streets around. When you went in there was a vestibule and a sitting-room and behind it a kitchen of the same size. There were two bedrooms and no bathroom. The lavatory was outside in the yard. When I was a small child we had a rent man who called every Friday, and who stood filling the vestibule while cash was handed over and an entry was made in our rent book. Every year or so, the landlady would call to look over her property. She owned the whole of Curzon Street, every house, and all of Eliza Street too. She wore a heavy pink dusting of face powder, a dashing trilby with a feather, and a coat and skirt, which people then called a costume. Did you see that costume? my mother would say. Every year she said this. She did not specify what it was about the costume that startled her: just Did you see that costume? Then one year, in a violent outburst, she added, I could have made it myself. Run it up for a guinea, on the machine.
Until I was nine or so, my mother and father and I washed by rota at the kitchen sink, using a pink cake of soap my mother kept in an enamel dish, and sharing a towel that looped on a hook in the cupboard beneath. Mornings were slow work, because of modesty. My mother went first; by the time I was shouted to come downstairs, the mysteries of her bust were preserved beneath hasty pearl-buttoning, only the rough flushed skin of her throat suggesting that she had scrubbed herself half-naked just minutes before. Standing before the mirror, she would swipe the bridge of her nose with her powder-puff; it distributed a different dust from our landladys, and I would watch her slice down and across and down, practised and ruthless as a man wiping mortar over bricks, obliterating her mottled bits with an overlay of khaki, and slicing off the surplus with the edge of the puff. I would sit at the kitchen table, shivering sometimes, my feet dangling in mid-air below the hem of my nightdress; I watched while my father shaved. His mouth was stopped by soap, his face tilted as though he were communing with saints; the humiliating female reek of the pink soap leaked from the skin of his freckled shoulders.
But then the landlady yielded to pressure to install baths and hot-water systems for her tenants. Half my bedroom disappeared behind a partition, and became a white, unheated box. On the first day after the installation was finished, I climbed into the tub in my clotheswithout the water in, of coursejust to see what it would feel like. It felt frozen, glazed, slippery; enamelled cold struck into my bones.
The rent was increased, but shortly afterwards the landlady began to sell off her houses. She must have wanted to be rid of them quickly, because her asking price was only five hundred pounds. My parents went into their bedroom and hissed at each other. A heavy thumping came from the floorboards above. I loitered at the window in our front room, admiring dogs that came and went; I hoped to get a dog, but my mother said the very limit of her tolerance would be a small and perfectly house-trained cat. I strained my ears for the words Kingston-upon-Hull.
My parents came downstairs after two hours. There was a high colour in my mothers cheeks. We are to become owner-occupiers, she said.
Karinas parents did not have five hundred pounds, so they continued to rent their house from the new landlord. You think youre so swanky, Karina said. You think youre so well-off.
Every day Karina and I used to walk to school together. We toddled down Curzon Street towards the town centre, turning left down Eliza Street at the pub called the Ladysmith. Most streets had a pub on the corner, and they were usually named after the younger children of Queen Victoria, or dead generals, or victories in colonial wars; we were too young to know this. We rolled downhill, guided by the mill chimneys and their strange Italianate architectureyellow brick and pink brick and grimy brickand everywhere black vistas fell away, railway embankments and waste ground, war damage and smoke; at the end of Bismarck Street we looked down on the puffing chimneys of houses below, ranged in their rows, marching down and down into the murky valley.
We passed the Irish club, and the florists with its small stiff pink-and-white carnations in a bucket, and the drapers called Elvinas, which displayed in its window Bear Brand stockings and knife-pleated skirts like cloth concertinas and pasty-shaped hats on false heads. We passed the confectionersor failed to pass it; the window attracted Karina. She balled her hands into her pockets, and leant back, her feet apart; she looked rooted, immovable. The cakes were stacked on decks of sloping shelves, set out on pink doilies whitened by falls of icing sugar. There were vanilla slices, their airy tiers of pastry glued together with confectioners custard, fat and lolling like a yellow tongue. There were bubbling jam puffs and ballooning Eccles cakes, slashed to show their plump currant insides. There were jam tarts the size of traffic lights; there were whinberry pies oozing juice like black blood.
Look at them buns, Karina would say. Look. I would turn sideways and see her intent face. Sometimes the tip of her tongue would appear, and slide slowly upwards towards her flat nose. There were sponge buns shaped like fat mushrooms, topped with pink icing and half a glacé cherry. There were coconut pyramids, and low square house-shaped chocolate buns, finished with a big roll of chocolate-wrapped marzipan which was solid as the barrel of a cannon.
I waited for Karina to choose one, to go in and buy it, because I knew that her parents gave her money every day, at least 3d. and sometimes as much as 6d. But after examining the cakes for some time, after discussing them, after speculating on their likely taste and texture until my mouth was full of saliva, Karina would fall silent, and turn away, with something obstinate in her face, something puzzled and pained, some expression which was too complicated for me to identify. And so we would go to school.
Two years went by, marked less by scholastic achievement than by crazes. There was a yo-yo craze, and a fashion for paper games. There were whole weeks when we did nothing but beg stiff plain paper to fold and crease and manufacture things we called Quackers, disembodied palm-sized beaks that you snapped at peoples noses. There were skipping outbreaks and new rhymes, new rhymes and amalgamations and blends of old ones:
Manchester Guardian, Evening News
Here comes a cat in high-heel shoes.
Clock strikes one, Clock strikes two, Clock has a finger and its pointing at you.
Mother mother I am sick, Send for the doctor quick quick quick.
Doctor doctor
Will I die?
Course you will and so will I
Karina was an efficient skipper. Her feet thundered into the pavement. Up, down, her knees drawn up to her chest; her face wore no expression at all.
We passed through the hands of Miss Whittaker, who hit us on the backs of our knees as everyone had said she would; into the hands of Sister Basil, whose malevolence was tempered by absent-mindedness. I picture her always with her arm upraised, her black sleeve falling away, as she chalks on the blackboard in her flowing cursive script the word Problems. And underneath, a complex sum, a sum spelt out in words, like a composition, with no plus signs or minus signs: a discursive sum, with no suggested means of working it. If a man buys apples to the value of is. 3d., and pears to the value of 2s. 8d., and hands the shopkeeper 10s. in payment Always these problems were about fruit, coal, the perimeters of fields, railway journeys. If Karina would buy a vanilla slice to the value of 4d., and a chocolate bun to the value of 3d., how many girls could have a nice time?