How could you do this? We had a deal. After Dad I stopped. I hadnt cried since I was eight years old; not since the day I had returned home from school and found that my adored daddy had gone, never to be heard of again. I wouldnt start now. You know how much loyalty means to me. On the first day we met, when we sat on the wall outside this house, I told you everything and you promised that you would never let me down. You promised again when you proposed. I took off my engagement ring and waved it at him, the diamond twinkling joyfully in the lamplight. I will follow thee to the last gasp with truth and loyalty. You had it engraved on my ring.
I know. I meant it. Leo took my hand. I love you. That hasnt changed. But with Clark He looked up, and even before he spoke I saw the wonder, the excitement, the jubilation in his eyes, too bright and overwhelming for him to disguise. The day is more luminous when hes in it. Life is more exhilarating. I crave his company like an addict. Weve never had that, Mary. If youd ever felt what I have with Clark, youd understand why I cant give it up.
It was an extraordinary speech for a man to make to his wife. Every word hurt. And they hurt most because I couldnt deny them. Our marriage was good and strong, solid enough to have lasted to the end if there had been no Clark. But it hadnt been based on exhilaration and cravings. My chest burned with a surge of jealousy: not that Leo felt this way about Clark rather than me, but that he had those feelings at all.
Fuck, Leo, what do we do now?
He dropped my hand.
You dont swear! he said, goggling at me as if that one word had been the biggest surprise of the night.
And you dont screw men. Weve both learned something this evening.
It was a cheap shot, and I regretted it when Leos face cracked with grief. This wasnt an overblown TV drama, or a scandal to be sensationalised in the Daily Mail. It didnt matter that Leo had fallen in love with a man rather than a woman. I wasnt going to scream, or beg him to stay, or plot revenge. Real life was more complicated than that. I didnt hate Leo. I hadnt instantly stopped loving him. I wasnt sure I ever would. But there was one thing I was sure of: I couldnt let Jonas and Ava repeat my childhood. They would not lose Leo even if that meant we all gained Clark.
After an awkward hesitation at the top of the stairs, we shared our bedroom as usual. I wasnt ready to shut him out tonight; wasnt ready to accept this new reality yet.
Leos phone buzzed with an incoming text while he was in the bathroom. I was already in bed, too twisted with anxiety to sleep. It buzzed again, and stamping down my conscience, I shuffled across the mattress and picked it up.
Just spoken to Mum. I cant believe youve done this to Mary.
It was from Ethan, Leos younger brother. Ethan had been away on a French exchange when the Black family moved in next door. Although he was more my age, by the time he returned, I was already a limpet on Leos rock and nothing could have prised us apart. He had lived in New York since the early days of our marriage, and rarely came back. If even he had heard the news from a different continent, how widely would my humiliation have spread at home?
I dropped the phone, slid over to my side of the bed, and longed for the day to be over.
Chapter 2
We agreed the remaining lifespan of our marriage over mugs of tea in bed the following morning a whispered discussion, so we wouldnt disturb the children. Once we had spent mornings trying to muffle quite different sounds.
I couldnt fault Leo for his honesty now, however much it hurt to hear it. He was clear from the start: it was a case of when, not if. He would leave, whatever I said or did. He wanted to be with Clark. Come the New Year, he would be sharing cups of tea and God knew what else in bed with Clark. He was sorry, and I believed him, but he was relieved and excited too. How could he not be? A new life and new adventures lay before him, while I was left holding together the tatters of our old life.
We told the children later that morning, and it was an experience too horrendous to dwell on. They werent prepared for this. Leo and I never rowed, because it wasnt in his character and I had taken pains to repress it in mine. Jonas, sixteen years old and usually so laid back in true Black style, was appalled at Leos treachery, but I couldnt let them take sides. I ended up defending Leo so enthusiastically that anyone would have thought Id fixed him up with Clark myself.
Ava was my main concern, fourteen going on forty, and too much mine: I was terrified that I would have passed on something in my DNA, so that she would blame me just as I had blamed my own mum for the breakdown of my parents marriage. But she had also inherited my skill of bottling up her emotions. She listened to us in dry-eyed, stony-faced silence, until eventually she announced, You do know youve ruined my life, dont you? and flounced out, thumbs already flying over her phone.
Id hardly had time to catch my breath when I spotted my mother, Irene, loitering outside the kitchen window.
Are you free? she asked, poking her head round the back door.
Yes, it certainly looks like it. Absolutely free and single. Thanks for reminding me.
Mum chose to ignore this, and pulling out a chair, installed herself at the table. Clearly this wasnt a flying visit.
What was all that business about last night? she asked, cutting straight to the point. It must have set everyone talking when you rushed us out like that.
I think they were probably more interested in Leo being gay than the fact that we left before the dancing.
Leo isnt gay, she said, in the manner of a foreman of the jury, pronouncing a not guilty verdict. Remember when we went to see The Sound of Music at the Palace. He hated it.
Of course! Thats all right then. Ill tell Jonas and Ava it was a mistake, and Leo can make his apologies to Clark. Thank goodness you sorted that out for us.
Theres no need to be sarcastic. Im only trying to help. If thats how you spoke to Leo, its no wonder he had his head turned.
But I hadnt spoken to Leo like this. Id never shouted at him, never nagged, because Id seen my mother treat my father that way, had lived through the consequences, and had never forgiven her. I thought Id been a model wife. How was I to know that eventually Leo would want a model husband?
Dont you think youve let yourself go? Mum continued. Youre never out of those jeans. When did you last have your hair cut? Or shave your legs? I noticed you were wearing thick tights last night.
I dont think hairy legs can be an issue, I said. But here was one of the downsides of our living arrangements. Mum had given her house to me and Leo when we married, and had moved into the garage, converted and extended to suit her. It had been an extraordinarily generous gift, and had allowed us the luxury of a mortgage-free life. Not a Mum-free life, though. From her vantage point at the bottom of the drive, she missed nothing: her curtains looked like they had a nervous complaint, they twitched so often. And we certainly didnt have the sort of relationship where proximity was a good thing.
A dress and a haircut arent going to fix this.
Whats going to happen? Is he going to give up this man, now hes been found out?
No. I put down my mug. Id already drunk enough tea this morning to keep Tetley in profit for a year. Leo will stay for Christmas, then move in with Clark.
But thats only a few days away! What about the children? Hell want to stay for them, surely?
Apparently not. Im not worth staying with, even for their sake. Like mother, like daughter.
I ignored Mums pained expression and slumped down on a chair.
But I wont keep them apart. Leo will still see them as often as he can.
Mary Mum looked as if she wanted to say more, but let her words trail off with a sigh. How did they take the news?
Jonas was cross, but hell come round. Hes a Black. Mum nodded. The Blacks were a different species to us. If a family of Martians had moved next door to us all those years ago, they couldnt have seemed more alien or more exotic in comparison to our life. But Ava I shrugged, not from indifference, but because my worries were too heavy to distill into words. Im not sure shell ever forgive us.
She will. Mum reached out and patted my knee, in one of those embarrassing moments of affection she occasionally attempted. And youll be there for her, come what may, wont you? It will all work out. You didnt turn out too badly, did you?
Now I really was worried.
It was inevitable that I would end up next door, in the house still occupied by Leos mother, Audrey. She was the perfect mum: warm, happy, supportive; always ready with a hug, always knowing when to speak and when to listen. Since the day the Blacks became our neighbours, I had probably spent more time at their house than my own, irresistibly drawn to the whole family.
I called her name as I opened the back door, and she dashed into the kitchen, and folded me in her arms something my own mother had singularly failed to do.
Oh, Mary, she said, pulling back to look at my face. I knew it wouldnt look as bad as hers: there were no tears on her face, but the pink and puffy eyes testified that there had been recently. I dont know what to say. Lets have some gin.
I would have resisted I had to pick up Ava from the riding stables later if Audrey hadnt looked so much as if she needed one. We took our glasses through to the living room, a haven of calm neutrality, in contrast to the serviceable dark patterns that I had grown up with, chosen by my mother so that they wouldnt show the dirt. Audrey put her glass down on the side table beside her chair, next to a framed photograph of her husband, Bill. Bill had died four years ago, devastating us all.
Are you furious, Mary? Will you ever forgive him?
I sipped my gin while I thought what I could say.
Im not furious. I stopped. How did I explain this to Leos mum? I couldnt forget Leos description of his feelings for Clark. He had been right. We had never shared that. Our friendship was deep and precious, and sex had been exciting at first, when we had been hormonal teenagers, new to the act, but that had faded long ago. Our relationship had been contented, companionable, steady safe. It was exactly what I had chosen. But if Leo had now discovered there was something more, how could I begrudge him his choice?
He said he didnt go out looking for this, and I believe him, I continued. He fell in love. Im not sure its possible to prevent that, is it?
No. Although sometimes its not always possible to have the love you want. I assumed she was referring to her loss of Bill, and reached out to take her hand, but she shook her head. Sometimes sacrifices have to be made. There are other people to consider.
What good would it do to force him to stay for Jonas and Ava? They wont benefit from an unhappy father. Thats not what you want for Leo, is it?
Audrey sighed.
This isnt what I wanted for any of you. You know that, my darling, dont you? Youve always been as good as a daughter to us. If I had known it would end this way
How could you have known? This has taken us all by surprise, probably even Leo. I perched on the arm of Audreys chair. This had shaken her more than I had expected; there was no sign of her usual effervescent self. You realise that this wont change anything between us, dont you? You cant get rid of me. Im going to be coming around here as much as I always have, drinking your tea and eating your biscuits. Although it may be more gin than tea for a while, I added, finishing my glass.
Ill buy a few more bottles. In fact, Audrey said, finally flashing a smile, I can ask Ethan to pick some up for us in duty free. Have you heard that hes coming back?
No. Leo hadnt mentioned it; he rarely mentioned Ethan at all. When will he be here?
Hes flying back tonight. His Christmas plans fell through so hes decided to come home. Isnt it the most marvellous news? Ethan is exactly what we all need to perk us up.
It was obvious that something was wrong with Ava as soon as I saw her emerge through the gate at the stables, jodhpurs stained in muck, boots filthy, grooming kit dangling forlornly from her hand. The teenager who had stalked through the gates with self-conscious confidence this morning had shrunk to a child with a bowed head, pink nose, and staring eyes that were defiantly holding back tears.
Whats the matter? I met her halfway across the car park, anticipating tales of injury and an emergency trip to the doctor.
Nothing. Im fine.
I wasnt falling for that.
No, youre not. Whats happened?
Nothing. Just drop it, okay?
It clearly isnt okay. Have you hurt yourself? Have you fallen off?
No. Im not a baby. I can ride a horse without falling off.
She was busy giving me the teenage glare when one of the girls from her year at school sauntered into the car park, and smirked in our direction. I hustled Ava away and into the car.
Has Jemima upset you?
No. Ava took off her hat and puffed up her flattened hair. I waited, refusing to switch on the engine until Id heard more. Ava broke first. She said something about Dad. It doesnt matter.
Said what about Dad?
For once, I must have stumbled on the magic tone of voice that compels teenagers to obey.
About how horrible we must be if hes had to turn gay to get away from us
My heart was torn between sympathy and indignation. I grabbed the door handle.
Come on. Were going to set her straight on a few things.
No! Ava held onto my arm so I couldnt leave the car. Dont make a scene. Everyone at school will hear about it. Please!
I let go of the handle, and watched as Jemima rode past in the front seat of a top-of-the-range Mercedes. I was no more keen on a public scene than Ava, but it was galling to let her get away with such vile comments, especially when I suspected there was more Ava wasnt telling me.
Ava sat in silence, twisting her whip in her hand, not looking at me.
You know its not true, dont you? I asked. Whatever she said. Its prejudiced and small-minded and ignorant. Dad doesnt think like that. He loves us.
Is he really leaving? There was a thinly disguised wobble in Avas voice.