Audrey squeezed my hand, a sharp, painful squeeze, and gave me one of her rare stern looks.
You can do this, she said, and she removed my pinny, tidied my hair and steered me in the direction of the hall.
I couldnt look at Leo; didnt want to know if happiness was shining from his face, or see lips that might have recently been kissed by someone other than me. Instead I fixed my attention on Clark. He smiled a nice smile, open and friendly and stepped forward.
Happy Christmas, Mary, he said. It was kind of you to invite me. He held out his hands, an exquisite bouquet of flowers in one, and an expensive box of chocolates in the other. These are just a small thank-you.
For what? For giving him Leo? It was a very small thank-you for that.
A thank-you for the meal, Clark added, appearing to read my thoughts.
Youre welcome, I said, ridiculously polite. What next? Send them up to our bedroom with my blessing? Id better hide them away. You might want them back once youve tasted the food.
Leo laughed, as if this was the wittiest thing hed ever heard; although I suppose he had just been marooned with my mother.
Come in and meet everyone, he said, and ushered Clark into the living room, with me trailing behind like an ancient bridesmaid. The room was already silent when we entered, but the silence seemed to thicken as all eyes swivelled towards Clark; all eyes except Ethans. He looked at me, eyes the colour of a hazy summer sky, scouring my face first before turning to study Clark.
Leo made hasty introductions.
Marys mother Irene, Ava, Jonas, my brother Ethan
No one moved. And then Audrey, lovely Audrey, in her cheery red dress, came dashing in and rescued us all from our torpor.
Dont forget me, she said positively trilled and without a seconds hesitation she pulled Clark into a hug and kissed both of his cheeks. It was exactly the way she had greeted me when Leo had first introduced me, with enthusiasm and delight, apparently oblivious to the chaos of a house move going on around her. Now she was oblivious to the awkwardness around her or perhaps she wasnt, and this was her way of dealing with it. Whichever it was, it worked. Ethan rose and shook Clarks hand, Ava and Jonas mumbled a greeting, and Mum inclined her head to acknowledge his presence. And Leo looked so proud of Clark, of Audrey, of all of us that I had to dash into the kitchen to get a grip on my emotions, terrified that the achievement of not having cried since my dad left thirty years ago might be about to come to a loud and messy end.
Christmas lunch was a triumph in a culinary sense, despite my having siphoned off a bottle of Prosecco for my own use, whose contents vanished with mysterious speed. A combination of alcohol and Audrey helped smooth the rough edges off the awkwardness we all felt; with the exception of Ava, who wasnt allowed a drink, and my mother, who was genetically programmed to wallow in awkwardness wherever she could find it.
It was impossible not to notice the parallels between this and my first meeting with the Blacks all those years ago; impossible not to think how bizarre it was that I should witness my mother-in-law getting to know my replacement. We learnt that Clark was forty-one, the same age as Leo; that he had two parents, two sisters and four nephews. We found out that he was the Donor Communications Manager for a famous childrens cancer charity based in Manchester, a job that he described with humility, enthusiasm, and compassion. We heard that his hobbies were films, cycling, and cooking. But above all else, I discovered that he was an intelligent, amusing, lovely man. I liked him. I had no idea if that made things a thousand times better or a million times worse.
After dinner, Ava pulled out the box of Trivial Pursuit for the traditional game of everyone trying to beat Leo. I ducked out this year, letting Clark take my place, and went to tidy the kitchen, finding simple pleasure in restoring order in the one area I could. Noise and laughter floated down the hall.
What are you doing?
Ethan followed me into the kitchen and pushed the door shut.
Tidying up.
I dont mean in here.
I knew exactly what he meant, knew what he was going to say, and it was one of the reasons why I had spent the whole of Christmas Eve out shopping, so that there was no danger of this conversation taking place. I grabbed a pile of cutlery, and fed it into the dishwasher with as much rattling as I could manage.
Ethan touched my arm.
Mary. I ignored him. He grabbed the cutlery from me, threw it in the basket and slammed the dishwasher door closed. Whats the matter with you?
With me? That riled me. How was any of this my fault? Nothing.
Thats my point. Leos about to leave you, and you look about as bothered as if youd run out of milk.
Of course Im bothered! I dont want him to go. Would you prefer it if I stayed in bed and cried into my pillow? Or if I shouted abuse at him and cut up all his suits? Do you think that would help Jonas and Ava?
It might help you. It might show Leo that you do actually care, and that he has something to stay for.
Me being me isnt enough to make him stay, is that what youre saying? That Ive driven him away? Thanks for that vote of confidence.
Thats not what I meant
And what makes you qualified to give me advice on relationships, with your two failed marriages and string of ex-girlfriends?
Perhaps I had gone a bit far with that one his second wife had been unfaithful, according to Audrey but what right did he have to stand in my kitchen, berating my indifference? I knew some people would find my reaction odd, but I thought Ethan knew me better.
I know exactly what youre doing. You block out things that are difficult, pretend theyre not happening. Its what youve always done.
Thats not true!
What is it then? Some grand sacrifice for Leo? You love him, but youre letting him go? Listen to me, Mary. Its not heroic or noble to do that. Its the wrong choice. If you want something enough you should carry on fighting for it, even if you get knocked down a thousand times, and no matter the collateral damage. Dont condemn yourself to a life of loneliness and regret.
He gazed at me then, and it was as if hed ripped open that confident jacket, and shown me someone entirely different underneath. I didnt know what to say, and was spared having to say anything when Leo walked in. He looked from Ethan to me, and back to Ethan.
What are you saying to her? I had never heard Leos tone so sharp.
The truth. Leos head jerked back as if Ethan had struck him on the chin. I told Mary that she needs to fight to keep you.
Do you have a problem with Leo being gay? I asked. There had always been tension between these two, but this level of animosity was new.
Not in the slightest. I only have a problem with him deciding hes gay now, years after marrying you.
I havent made the decision. I met Clark, and I cant ignore what I feel for him. Leo stared at Ethan. You cant help who you fall in love with. You should understand that.
And Ethan, whom I had never before seen lost for words, simply shook his head at Leo and walked out.
Chapter 4
Not in the slightest. I only have a problem with him deciding hes gay now, years after marrying you.
I havent made the decision. I met Clark, and I cant ignore what I feel for him. Leo stared at Ethan. You cant help who you fall in love with. You should understand that.
And Ethan, whom I had never before seen lost for words, simply shook his head at Leo and walked out.
Chapter 4
The envelope arrived on a cold day in late March during the Easter holidays, landing on the doormat with a thud that I heard from the kitchen, and which seemed to shake the entire house. I didnt need to open it to know what was inside. I didnt want to open it and make it real. I left it on the hall table, pulled on a coat, hat, and wellies, and took Dotty for a walk.
The footpaths around the village were quiet as I trudged through the slushy remnants of the snow that had fallen earlier in the week. It was mid-week: work would have deterred some of the usual dog-walkers, the bad weather many of the others. But Owen Ferguson emerged from the front path of a neat stone terrace as I passed, and hesitated, as if deciding whether to force his company on me or to turn in the opposite direction. I smiled and he must have made up his mind, as he fell into step beside me as we headed towards the centre of Stoneybrook.
He was wearing a black beanie hat, very much like one I had bought for Leo a couple of years ago. It suited him. His greyhound was wearing an extraordinary hot pink quilted coat, with a zebra print trim.
It wasnt my choice, he said, acknowledging my vain attempt to disguise my surprise. I inherited it.
A dog jacket? That wasnt a generous legacy. Lucky you had a dog it fits.
I inherited the dog too. It was a complete package. He quickened his pace to keep up with me; Dotty was either eager to complete our circuit and get home, or determined to beat a greyhound. My neighbour adopted her from a greyhound rescue charity, but then was diagnosed with a terminal illness. I agreed to take on Lucilla.
Lucilla? I tried not to laugh: it was a perfect name for the aloof animal, but I couldnt imagine Owen calling for her in the park.
She wont answer to anything else. Or wear any other coat.
What colour did you want her to wear? Navy blue like the Broadholme uniform?
He grimaced. Anything but that. Are your children not with you for the holiday?
Avas at Pony Club, and Jonas is revising with a friend, I said. Do you have children?
Two boys. They live with my ex-wife in Scotland. Ill have them next week.
It occurred to me, then, that I had misunderstood Owens question. He hadnt meant were Jonas and Ava with me today; he had meant were they living with me this week. It was the question of a divorced parent from one to another. It didnt matter whether Id opened the envelope or not. I was one of them now.
I think someones trying to get your attention, Owen said, and gestured towards the semi we were passing. Daisy was standing in the front window, banging on the glass and then beckoning inside with both arms.
Its Daisy. Mrs Flood, I added, in case he needed her parents evening name to place her. Id better see what she wants. Enjoy the rest of your walk. And enjoy next week with your boys if I dont see you before then.
I will. The words were heartfelt, and his face transformed at the mention of his children, in the same way that Leos did. I pulled Dotty back down the street and walked up Daisys front path. Daisy opened the door before I was halfway there.
I need your tongue! she cried, in a voice of loud melodrama that must have carried as far as Owen, as he turned and looked back at us before walking on. Mines exhausted, and I still have over two hundred envelopes to lick.
Daisy and I had been friends for years, since our daughters had started in Reception class at Broadholme at the same time. She had a part-time job working as an admin assistant for our local MP, who spent a lot of money on printing leaflets saying how fabulous he was, leaving him with no money left for self-seal envelopes. It was a thankless job quite literally, as I had seen for myself that the MP barely knew Daisys name and it paid a pittance, but she needed every penny. Her ex-husband had backed her into a financial corner, offering to pay for their daughter to stay on at Broadholme only if Daisy accepted a meagre maintenance payment for herself. I was lucky, by contrast; something I tried to convince myself every day.
Whats all this in aid of? I asked, picking up one of the leaflets that lay in a pile on Daisys dining table. The general election is over a year away. I hope he isnt going to bombard us from now until then.
Of course he is. Were a marginal seat. This is his new idea. Hes going to send out a newsletter every two months to remind the voters about how much he does. I made a mental note to avoid Daisys house in two months time. Was that Mr Ferguson I saw you with?
That was the thing about Daisy: she looked a fluffy airhead, but had an amazing mind for detail. It was either one of her most endearing or her most annoying characteristics.
It was. I stuffed and licked my first envelope, hoping it might deter Daisy from further questioning. No such luck.
Sorry, was I interrupting something? she asked, grinning. You neednt have come in if you were busy.
If Id known that this was all you wanted me for, Id have stayed with Owen, I replied, grimacing at the taste of the cheap glue.
Owen? Since when did you reach first-name terms?
Weve bumped into each other dog walking a few times.
I always knew you were a dark horse, Mary Black. Under that calm, unflappable exterior, theres a whacking great man magnet, isnt there?
We both laughed at that: Daisy knew perfectly well that I had been with Leo forever. No one had ever asked me out, or propositioned me, or made a pass or whatever it was called now. Not even Leo: as teenagers, we had drifted into something more than friendship, and I had been the one to push it to the next level.
Owens not bad looking, Daisy continued. She held up one of the leaflets, on which shed carefully drawn a moustache, beard and horns on a photograph of her employer, and smiled as she pushed it into an envelope. Its a shame hes so tall. Wed look ridiculous together. You should definitely consider him. Hes an art teacher, so you know what that means. He can do great things with his hands. She laughed. Or has he already taught you that?
Of course not. Im married. I thought about the envelope sitting on my hall table. Half married.
Half married? Daisy paused in her licking. You dont mean the decree nisi has been granted already?
I nodded. Clark has some extremely efficient solicitor friends. Apparently were lucky that its all gone through so quickly. At least, I presume its gone through. Theres a letter from my solicitor at home. I couldnt face opening it.
Oh, Mary. Daisy reached across the table and squeezed my hand. Ignoring it wont make it go away. Why did it have to be so rushed? Youve hardly had chance to get used to the idea. Its not like Leo to be so unfair.