Having a baby was the furthest thing from my mind, she added. At first I was too shocked to be scared or happy. But Ive been around death, too much of it, and the idea of bringing a new life into the world... This may sound insane to you, but it almost felt like a goodbye present from Natalie. Some sort of cosmic full circle.
And there wasnt room in that circle for anyone else? He abandoned his chair in favor of resumed pacing.
Six months ago, hed helped heal her hurting. The last thing in the world she wanted was to wound him. Another apology hovered on the tip of her tongue, but she recalled his hostile reaction to her previous attempt.
I hardly knew anything about you, she reminded him. I tried to imagine how my brother Justin would react if he discovered, completely out of the blue, that a near stranger was carrying his child. It was daunting. By the time the nausea and confusion subsided, months had passed. You could have had a serious girlfriend, plans for the future I would be ruining! Telling you seemed like too big a risk. After a lot of sleepless nights, I decided it would be best for my child to have no father than one who might resent it.
He stopped his pacing and stared her down. So you were protecting both me and the baby by keeping the news to yourself? His chuckle was like broken glass. I wonder if all mothers have this gift for rationalizing dishonesty.
All mothers?
The slight knock at the door made them both jump, and a nurse entered with a pitcher of ice water and some plastic-wrapped cups. She drew up short, her smile fading as she registered the tension in the room.
I hope Im not interrupting, she said hesitantly. Dr. Wallace asked me to bring some water.
Garrett nodded his head at her, making a visible effort not to appear intimidating. Much appreciated, maam.
The nurse smiled at him before asking Arden, Is there anything else you need?
Yeah, a do-over button. Or, barring that, the words that would make Garrett understand what shed been feeling, her belief that she was making the right decision for all three of them. What were the odds that the hospital stocked second chances and forgiveness alongside the antibiotics and lime Jell-O?
* * *
AFTER HER RELEASE from the hospital, Arden had tried to talk Garrett into driving her back to her car. You can follow me home if youre worried about me, shed proposed. But hed categorically refused. Now, as she struggled to keep her eyes open, she found herself grateful for his inflexibility. If anyone had asked her a few hours ago, she would have sworn the days events had left her too shaken to sleep for a week. But one of the periodic side effects of pregnancy was a full-body fatigue so encompassing it bordered on paralysis.
By the time Garrett pulled his truck into her driveway, the September sun was dipping below the horizon.
This is it. She smothered a yawn. Home sweet home. In terms of square footage, the cozy two-bedroom house was actually smaller than her former apartment. But once shed learned she was pregnant, shed wanted to own something, a place that was all hers. Mine and the babys.
Besides, while walking up three flights of stairs every day might have been one of the lifestyle choices that helped keep her in shape, it would be more difficult to navigate while carrying boxes of diapers and an infant car seat. Shed traded all those steps for a neatly fenced-in postage stamp of a yard. Did it look sad and despondent to a rancher who was used to the open range, hundreds of acres of pastureland where cattle grazed beneath the Colorado sky? Based on Garretts grudgingly solicitous manner, from not leaving her side at the hospital to not letting her get behind the wheel, she wouldnt be surprised if he insisted on walking her inside. Would he judge the meager surroundings inadequate for his child?
This is a really good school district, she blurted.
He quirked an eyebrow at the spontaneous announcement.
Her face warmed. Just thinking ahead. By five years, plus or minus. Even though she might not be living here when it came time for the baby to go to kindergarten, she was doing her best to make all the right decisions.
She slanted a glance at Garretts stony profile. Ironically, she may have already botched her biggest parenting decision thus far.
As he helped her down from the truck, she couldnt help noting that his hand was warm and callused. How did a man with labor-roughened skin caress a woman with such silky gentleness? The way hed touched her Whoa. Where had that memory come from? She shook her head as if she could physically dislodge the mental image.
He frowned. Everything okay? You look flushed.
Pregnancy comes with a lot of weird side effects. Like hormones in hyperdrive. Mostly, those hormones had manifested themselves in very vivid, very detailed dreams that made her blush the next morning. One of the more anecdotal pregnancy books had mentioned the phenomenon, and the author advised women to enjoy the perk. But it was disquieting to experience that surge of lust in front of Garrett.
She yanked her hand out of his. When his expression grew even stormier, she tried to mitigate her action with a lame explanation. I, ah, need to get my keys. As she unlocked the front door, her stomach emitted an embarrassing rumble. Hunger ran a close second to exhaustion.
Im starving, he commented. Didnt get around to eating lunch today.
Me neither.
Lets get you situated and decide on a plan for food. Maybe I can whip up something for dinner.
I dont know about that. She stepped inside, flashing a sheepish glance over her shoulder. My grocery shopping got cut short the other day. The kitchens not fully stocked.
Should she mention the nearby pizza place that delivered? Would she be able to sit through a meal in Garretts presence, or would nerves keep her from eating? She appreciated how civil he was being, but the friction between them was as pointed as it had been when he strode into her office today. She was too drained to withstand much more.
Needing to get off her feet before she fell off them, she made a beeline for the ratty armchair shed found at a rummage sale years ago. Shed had it steam-cleaned with the distant plan of someday reupholstering. Since shed never gotten around to that part, the chair looked like blue-plaid hell, but it was inexplicably comfortable.
Garrett was slow to follow. After a moment, she realized he was examining the framed pictures on her wall.
Did you take all of these? he asked.
Yes.
Portraits of Justin and Colin were scattered among a jumble of other subjects, from a black-and-white shot of a stone well to a close-up of a light purple dahlia bud in midbloom. There was a landscape photo taking up too much space; shed squeezed it in to replace the family picture of Colin with his wife and son that had been exiled to temporary storage in her closet.
Youre very talented, Garrett said. Darcy and Hugh showed me their wedding album. They were thrilled with your work.
She swallowed, briefly closing her eyes. Do they know about the baby? Had Garrett told them about how shed jumped into bed with him, shared his suspicions that this baby was his? Lord, what they must think of her. I mean, of course they know Im pregnant, Ive seen them in town. But do they know...?
That Im a daddy? How the hell could I have told them when I didnt even know? he exploded. He began pacing, not that there was much more space here than hed had in the hospital room. In a slightly calmer voice, he asked, Does the idea of anyone knowing we were together bother you so much? Ive never felt like a womans dirty secret before.
Its not like that, she said miserably. It has nothing to do with you. She recalled the pitying looks her teachers had given her after her father died, the local news stories after Natalies crash. She hated for anyone to have reason to talk about her and her family. But Garrett shouldnt be penalized for her hang-ups.
He rubbed his temple absently. Its not as if your neighbors are gonna buy that the stork brought the baby. So who cares if they know it was me?
Im handling this badly. She sighed. Ive never...Im pretty inexperienced.
You mean because youre a first-time mom?
Inexperienced with men. And, um, sex in general. At his startled look, she added, Id had sex beforejust, infrequently. And only with long-term boyfriends I knew really, really well. Im not ashamed of what happened between us. Im just at a loss for... If I say Im sorry again, are you going to yell?
His sudden grin was so unexpected and striking that it made her knees weak. Thank God Im already sitting.
No yelling, he promised.
Thank you. I am sorry. I dont know what Im doing. There were manuals and chat rooms, even documentary-style television shows that revolved around pregnancy and birth. But none of them had outlined the protocol for how to weather whispered rumors, or break the news to appalled, overprotective brothers or how to cope with the gorgeous one-night stand youd never expected to see again.
His smile faded. If youd told me the truth, maybe we could have figured it out together. For the record, since you broached the subject today, theres no girlfriend, serious or otherwise.
The declaration warmed her far more than it should have. Not because Im interested in him romantically, but because Id hate to complicate a third persons life with all of this.
Based on what Hugh said, can I safely assume theres no guy in the picture? he asked.
She almost laughed at the suggestion that she was dating anyone. How many men fantasized about meeting a gal who barfed for months on end, then began steadily swelling to the size of a beluga? The hint of vulnerability that flickered in Garretts gaze sobered her. Did he worry that someone else was poised to play the role of father to his child?
No guy, she said softly. Except you.
His tense shoulders lowered the merest fraction of an inch. There was relief and something less definable in his eyes. Possessiveness? Awareness sizzled through Arden, replacing her earlier lethargy with something more energetic. And far more complicated. Her voice caught in her throat.
Changing the subject, he clapped his palms together. Point me in the direction of the kitchen. Ill check out the dinner options.
I wasnt kidding about rations being low. She used the arms of the chair to hoist herself upward. But I think we can manage salad and some grilled cheese sandwiches.
As someone who lived alone, she wasnt used to anyone else puttering around in her kitchen. Letting him wait on her would just be too weird. Can I offer you something to drink? I dont have any sodas or beer, but theres lemonade or filtered water. I could brew some tea.
Lemonade sounds great. He trailed her into the kitchen.
Ill get glasses. Lemonades in the fridge, she directed. And there should be some fruit salad left.
He turned to the refrigerator but stopped when he caught sight of the sonogram photos secured with promotional magnets from the Donnelly ski lodge. The first picture was from so early in the pregnancy that the baby was a mere peanut-shaped blip; a circle the doctor had drawn in ink showed where the heart was. But the other pictures were from a recent appointment. It was easy to make out the babys head and profile.
So, um, thats the little guy. Figuratively speaking, she clarified. I have no idea what the gender is. Ive decided to be surprised. Shed had trouble explaining her decision to friends and family, but there had been enough ugly surprises in Ardens life. Why not revel in one that was wonderful? Ive been calling the baby Peanut since Im not sure what pronoun to use.
Garrett traced his thumb lightly over the edge of a photo. These are amazing. To have such a clear look at someone whos not even... Ive looked at bovine sonograms, but this
Did you just compare pictures of our unborn child to those of cows? she interrupted with mock indignation. Reaching around him, she pulled butter and cheese from the refrigerator.
He shrugged. Hey, its the life I know. Sleep with a cowboy, you gotta expect the occasional livestock mention.
Good to know. Ill keep that... In mind for next time. The thoughtless words evaporated from her lips. Next time? With whom? Certainly not him.
For starters, her major lie of omission probably guaranteed there would never be anything tender between her and Garrett. That aside, romance of any kind had dropped completely off her list of priorities for the time being. She hoped that, eventually, she and Garrett could overcome the strain between them for their childs sake, and develop a smooth, cordial relationship. Romantic entanglement was a risk that didnt make sense. Long-distance dating was difficult under the best of circumstances, and if they braved a relationship, only to have it end badly... Ill take Ways to Make an Awkward Situation Even Worse for a thousand, Alex.
No, definitely not worth the gamble.
Casting about for a neutral topic, she placed buttered bread in the skillet. Since hed made the joke about livestock, she decided that maybe his ranch was the safest subject.
When you first told me what you do for a living, she began, you sounded like you really love it. Do you think you would have eventually found your way into ranching even if you hadnt grown up surrounded by cattle and horses?
He leaned against the kitchen counter, considering the question. I honestly cant say. Its so much a part of who I am that I never gave any thought to another line of work. If I had to be cooped up inside an office like Hugh every day, Id go stark raving mad. Running the Double F alongside my father... Hes a hell of a man. I always wanted to be He broke off, his jaw clenched. Tension lined his rugged face.
Was there conflict between Garrett and his dad? Arden flipped the cheese sandwiches, backtracking quickly. What about your mom? Her voice was too shrill with forced cheer, and she struggled to sound natural. Are the two of you close?
Not currently. He set the bowls of fruit salad on the table with a muted crash.
Strike two. Any, uh, brothers? Sisters?
Only child.
She chuckled bleakly. You with no siblings, me with no parents. Its like, between the two of us, we have enough puzzle pieces to make a whole family.
A family. His expression darkened. Maybe under different circumstances, we could have been. Maybe I wouldve known what it was like to teach my own son how to ride a horse, how to drive a tractor. He stared her down, so much pain in his steely gaze that it stopped her breath. You know what? Im not hungry, after all. Guess Ill head back into town.
Garrett, wait. At least eat something before you leave. She followed him, but her protests never made it any farther than her mind. Shed made a sufficiently disastrous mess of things for one night. Given his charged mood and her own emotional unpredictability, it was probably best to let him go.