For a long time, she lay in his arms, not speaking, feeling too weak to move any part of her body. Then he leaned over and nibbled at her bottom lip.
The second time he made love to her, he did so with a reverent gentleness that made her weep and hold on to him for a long time afterward. Hed used a condom the second time, causing her to realize belatedly that he hadnt the first time.
How could they have been so careless? She had simply been swept away. Maybe he had, too. Well, it was useless to worry about that now. Besides, she was too happy, too relaxed to care about anything except being in his arms. There was no going back.
For a long time they lay together, facing each other while they talked. He told her about his fathers financial crisis and how her father had turned on him and made things worse. He spoke of his mothers extravagance and betrayal and his profound hurt that his world had fallen apart so quickly and brutally. She listened as he explained how grief, poverty and helplessness had twisted him and made him hard.
Love made me too vulnerable, as it did my father. It was a destructive force. My father loved my mother, and it ruined him. She was greedy and extravagant, he said. Love destroys the men in our family.
If you dont want to love, why did you date all those women I read about?
I wasnt looking for love, and neither were they.
You were just using them, then?
They were using me, too.
Thats so cynical.
Thats how my life has been. I loved my father so much, and I hurt so much when he died, I gave up on love. He loved my mother, and she broke his heart with her unrelenting demands. When he lost the business, she lost interest in him and began searching for a richer man.
And did she find him?
Several.
Do you ever see her?
No. I was an accident she regretted, I believe. She couldnt relate to children, and after I was grown, I had no interest in her. Love, no matter what kind, always costs too much. I do write her a monthly check, however.
So, my father was only part of your fathers problem.
But a big part. Losing ownership in Sullivan and Murray Oil made my father feel like he was less than nothing. My mother left him because of that loss. She stripped him of what little wealth and self-esteem he had left. Alone, without his company or his wife, he grew depressed. He wouldnt eat. He couldnt sleep. Id hear the stairs creak as he paced at night.
Then early one morning I heard a shot. When I called his name, he didnt answer. I found him in the shop attached to our garage. In a pool of blood on the floor, dead. I still dont know if it was an accident or what I feared it was. He was gone. At first I was frightened. Then I became angry. I wanted to blame someone, to get even, to make his death right. I lived for revenge. But now that Ive almost achieved my goal of taking back Murray Oil, its as if my fevers burned out.
Oh, I wouldnt say that, she teased, touching his damp brow.
I mean my fever for revenge, which was what kept me going.
So, she asked, what will you live for now?
I dont know. I guess a lot of people just wake up in the morning and go to work, then come home at night and drink while they flip channels with their remote.
Not you.
Whos to say? Maybe such people are lucky. At least theyre not driven by hate, as I was.
I cant even begin to imagine what that must have felt like for you. Shed always been driven by the need for love.
When he stared into her eyes with fierce longing, she pulled him close and ran her hands through his hair. You are young yet. Youll find something to give your life meaning, she said.
Well, it wont be love, because Ive experienced loves dark side for too many years. I want you to know that. You are special, but I cant ever love you, no matter how good we are together. Im no longer capable of that emotion.
So you keep telling me, she said, pretending his words didnt hurt.
I just want to be honest.
Do we always know our own truths?
Darlin, he whispered. Forgive me if I sounded too harsh. Its just that I dont want to hurt you by raising your expectations about something Im incapable of. Other women have become unhappy because of the way I am.
Youre my familys enemy. Why would I ever want to love you?
Wrapping her legs around him, she held him for hours, trying to comfort the boy whod lost so much as well as the angry man whod gained a fortune because hed been consumed by a fierce, if misplaced, hatred.
My father had nothing to do with your fathers death, she whispered. He didnt.
You have your view, and I have mine, he said. The important thing is that I dont hold you responsible for your fathers sins any longer.
Dont you?
No.
After that, he was silent. Soon afterward he let her go and rolled onto his side.
She lay awake for hours. Where would they go from here? He had hated her family for years. Had he really let go of all those harsh feelings? Had she deluded herself into thinking he wasnt her enemy?
What price would she pay for sleeping with a man who probably only saw her as an instrument for revenge?