I know who you are, Brooke interrupted. Ben doesnt like to talk about you. Now Im wondering why.
Roberta needs my help, Ben said.
And where the hell did she come from all of a sudden? Brooke demanded.
Canada, Roberta said. By way of Paris. I
Brooke rounded on her. Do you mind shutting up for a moment while I speak to my fiancé? Then, turning back to face Ben: And so youre just walking out on me?
Its not as if I want to.
But youre going to all the same.
Ben, Roberta said, touching his shoulder. Its okay. I understand. You dont have to do this.
Im involved now, Ben said, keeping his eyes on Brooke. I cant just back out.
Jude was shaking his head in consternation, staring at Ben as if to say what is the matter with you?.
Maybe I was dreaming, Brooke said, tight-lipped, Or maybe I was delirious from fever. But I remember very clearly how, that day in the middle of the jungle when you asked me to marry you, you swore to me that thered be no more of this running off on these insane adventures and scaring the shit out of me all the time, not knowing if youre going to come back in one piece. Her tone began to rise. Didnt you make that promise to me, Ben? All about how you were going to change your ways? Telling me all you wanted was to be at home with me?
You didnt dream it, he replied. You werent delirious either. I did say those things. And I meant every word.
You mean you meant them then. But you dont mean them now.
Try to understand, he reasoned. Robertas in danger. Look at me. Look at her. She needs my help.
Well, Im sorry if Robertas in trouble, Brooke burst out. We all have our problems. Why does this have to become mine? Why does it have to be you? Is there no other man in the world who can help her? She turned furiously to Roberta. What are you doing, you stupid bloody bitch? she yelled in a voice close to breaking. Why cant you stay out of our lives?
Roberta looked down at the floor and didnt reply.
Its not her fault, Ben said. Shes got mixed up in this thing, and now Im mixed up in it too. Brooke, please listen to me. He looked to Jude for support. Come on, back me up here. Talk to her.
Jude scowled at him. Hey, Dad, its your problem.
Chapter Ten
There was a long, palpable silence in the room. Brooke and Roberta both stared at Jude, then at Ben.
Oh, shit, Jude murmured, turning a few shades paler as he realised what hed let slip.
What did you just say? Brooke asked him slowly.
Nothing, Jude stammered.
Bens blood had frozen into ice crystals. Hed forgotten to breathe.
Yes, you did, Jude, Brooke insisted. You said Dad.
Jude looked as if he wanted to run to the window and jump out. Its just, you know. A figure of speech. Like daddyo. The way hes dressed. Er, or something. At that point Jude decided to clamp his mouth shut.
Brooke turned to Ben. Why did he call you that? Why?
The ice in Bens veins turned into molten lava and he felt his face flush. He took a deep breath and said, Hes my son, Brooke.
I thought there was something, Roberta murmured, glancing wryly back and forth at the two men.
Brooke seemed to sag as if the air had been sucked out of her. She moved across to a stool by the breakfast bar and sat down heavily on it. She couldnt speak.
Sorry, guys. It just slipped out, Jude mumbled. We only found out about it at Christmas, he added for Brookes benefit, as if that would help.
It took a few moments before Brooke had got her breath back. Would you mind leaving us alone now, please? she said softly, looking up at Roberta. Jude? Ben and I need to talk alone.
Thats what I wanted in the first place, Ben muttered, shooting an angry look at Jude. Ashen-faced, the young man left the room without a word. Roberta glanced nervously at Ben, then followed Jude out of the door and closed it softly behind her.
Then Ben and Brooke were alone in the silence of the kitchen. She sank deep into agitated thought, wringing her hands. Her long, slim fingers were shaking.
Were you ever going to tell me? she asked him at last, just above a whisper.
I was trying to find the right moment, Ben said. It never seemed to come. This wasnt it either.
Dont you trust me? Have you no idea how hurtful this is? To be told something like that, in front of a stranger? You must have had a million opportunities
I didnt know how youd take it, Ben said. Im still trying to come to terms with it myself. I should have told you. I was wrong to hold it back for so long. What can I say? Im deeply sorry.
Oh, Ben, she said, looking at him through teary eyes. She seemed about to burst out weeping again, but then she wiped the tears away and her face tightened. He could see a million thoughts racing through her mind. When she spoke again, the cold, simmering rage had returned to her voice. Let me get this right. First theres this old girlfriend of yours who suddenly turns up virtually on the eve of our wedding and seems to have the power to mesmerise you away, just like that
Ben wanted to protest, but he kept grimly quiet.
Now I find out that you had a grown-up son you never told me about, she went on. Tell me, Ben. What other secrets do I get to find out about the man I was about to marry?
Thats all there is, I promise.
Huh, she snorted. There we go. Another promise waiting to be broken. Are you even going to tell me where youre going, or is that a secret too?
I havent had time to think about that.
Enough time to decide to break off the wedding, though! Didnt take much to make your mind up about that, did it? Im sure that part was easy for you.
Im not breaking off anything, goddamn it, he said, feeling frustration and anger welling up inside him. He didnt want to shout. All he wanted was to hold her. He took a step closer to her, reaching out his arms. Brooke
Dont you come near me. Dont touch me.
He pulled back. His arms dropped helplessly by his sides. You have to understand, he urged her. You have to let me deal with this in my own way. Trust me, Roberta is in danger. Someones trying to kill her. They almost managed.
And so youre going to go off and get yourself killed along with her? Brooke burst out. Im sorry if that sounds harsh. But I dont even know this woman.
You want me to go and tell her shes on her own? Ben hissed, stabbing a pointing finger towards the closed door. You want me to just leave her to the wolves after she came to me for help? I cant do that, Brooke. I couldnt live with myself. He paused, trying desperately to calm himself. Listen. Ill come back to you. You know I will. Soon, before you know it. Then well just pick up where we left off, and things will go back to the way they
Until the next time you go off again, she interrupted. And then the next time after that, and the next, until one day you wont come back, because youll be lying dead somewhere. Tears were streaming down her face. Youve cheated me, Ben. Youve lied to me.
No. I never lied to you.
Youre lying to yourself too, she sobbed angrily. This whole thing, you going back to your Theology, all the future plans you talked about, this whole new life that you say you want so much and want me to share with you. Its nothing but bullshit. This is who you are, this running off and getting into trouble. Risk, danger. You draw it to you like a magnet; you thrive on it. Cant you see? You love it, deep down. More than you could ever love me. Or your newfound son, for that matter.
Youre wrong about me, he said.
Then show me Im wrong. Prove it to me by dropping this whole awful idea, and staying here with me like you promised.
He shook his head firmly. I cant. Im sorry, but thats final.
Brooke took a moment to digest his words. She swallowed, then nodded. Fine, she whispered. Go. Go and help your friend. Do whatever you think you have to do. But when its done, dont bother coming back. Because I wont be here waiting for you.
He stared at her. What?
The tears were gone now, and she was looking at him earnestly and levelly. I cant live like this, she said. You walk away now, its over between us. Your choice, Ben.
Chapter Eleven
Roberta had to clutch the passenger door handle as Ben skidded the Audi ferociously out of the vicarage gates and rammed the accelerator to the floor, speeding away through the village. His face was drawn, and his narrowed blue eyes had taken on that steely look she recalled from years ago. Hed changed back into his own clothes, black jeans and T-shirt and the scuffed, well-travelled brown leather jacket that Roberta remembered too. Watching him, it seemed to her that the old Ben Hope she knew so well hadnt been buried too deeply underneath the new one. The old one felt more real to her, but she sensed he was a man Ben would sooner leave behind. Its just who you are, she thought. You cant repress it, and you know it.
He yanked his crumpled Gauloises pack from his pocket, flipped out a cigarette, and without taking his eyes off the road, bathed its tip in the flame of his Zippo lighter. The acrid smoke reached Robertas nose and she gave a little cough. Ben shot her an impatient sideways glance, hit the window button and the glass wound down to fill the car with a roar of warm wind, blasting the smoke away.
You didnt have to do this, she began.
He held up a hand. Please, Roberta. Dont say anything.
How can I not say anything? I just watched your life fall apart. Im not completely insensitive, you know.
Ben made no reply and drove faster. They quickly left Little Denton behind them, racing along the country roads. After a few minutes Roberta was about to ask where they were going, when a sign flashed by saying EYNSHAM and Ben slowed the car to enter a small town. The streets were narrow and lined with Cotswold stone houses, traditional pubs and little shops. Ben pulled into a small square next to a church, parked the Audi between a van and a stone wall and killed the engine.
Were going to church? she asked.
No, he said, were getting a bus. He pointed at the stop across the street, where a line of people were waiting and gazing expectantly up the road at the approaching double-decker. Ben got out of the car, snatched his cement bag bundle from the back seat, waited for Roberta to retrieve her travel holdall and then bleeped the locks before tossing the car key into the nearest drain. As they crossed the street to join the bus queue, he glanced back to make sure the Audi was well tucked away out of sight.
Boarding the bus, Ben led Roberta to the back, from where he could glance now and then out of the dusty rear window in case anyone was following them. Nobody was, and with a loaded machine gun bundled up at his side and his head in his hands he soon settled into a heavy, pensive silence that lasted for the whole twenty-minute trip through the winding country roads into Oxford.
Gazing around her at the bustling city for the second time that day, Roberta didnt try to make conversation. From the noisy, smoky Gloucester Green station they took a second bus, hot and crowded, out to Jericho in the west of the city. A short walk from the stop in Walton Street, then Ben halted outside a modestly-sized Victorian terraced house with a little garden. He swung open the creaky front gate, took a set of keys from his pocket and showed Roberta into the house. Youll have to excuse the mess, but we hadnt finished unpacking.
Nice, she said, gazing around her at the clutter that filled the entrance hall. A dining table stood propped up against the wall, swaddled in bubble wrap with the legs removed. Most of the boxes were still sealed with parcel tape, others were open to reveal stacks of books on theology, philosophy and history. Roberta picked one out. Hmm. Augustine: The City of God against the Pagans. A little light bedtime reading for you?
Ben pointed down the long, narrow hall. Kitchens that way if you want to get yourself a drink. Ill be back in a minute.
Leaving her to her own devices, he ran up the stairs to the bedroom with his bundle under his arm. His pace faltered as he approached the door. Walking into the room, it was as if a dead weight had settled on his shoulders. Everything around him made him think of Brooke the fine art prints that had hung on her walls in Richmond, her clothes and shoes neatly arrayed inside her wardrobe, the cushions on the bed, the green foliage of her beloved pot plants spilling down the wall from the windowsill, the soft smell of her perfume already imbued into the fabric of the place. He wanted to picture her smile, but all he could see in his mind was the teary look of hurt and anger that had been on her face when hed turned and walked away.
When would he see her again? Emotions flashed up inside him: sorrow, guilt, anger, resentment against what had happened, against Roberta Ryder for bringing it on him.
No. It wasnt fair to blame her. He just had to see this through. Everything would be all right, he told himself uncertainly.
He chucked the bundled-up Beretta machine carbine onto the bed. Nearby stood a small antique bookcase that Brooke had been gradually filling from a half-unpacked box. His eye drawn to the row of titles on the shelf, Ben spotted a familiar leather-bound spine among her assorted paperbacks and psychology textbooks. He wistfully paused to take it off the shelf. It was the volume of Miltons works given to him by Judes mother shortly before she and Simeon had been murdered. Inside it had been the fateful letter telling Ben the secret of Judes real paternity.
As Ben turned the book over in his hands, it fell open and he found himself staring at the first page of Paradise Lost.
Paradise Lost. He thought about that for a moment, then snapped the book shut and quickly replaced it on the shelf. He walked across to his own wardrobe, wrenched open the door and found his old green canvas army bag where hed carelessly stuffed it into the back underneath a load of stuff, thinking hed never need it again. You got that wrong, he thought as he dug it out and tossed it on the bed. The first thing to go inside was the gun, which was compact enough to fit without bits poking incriminatingly out of the green canvas. He began rummaging through drawers and boxes for items of spare clothing.