Shed seen no point in sharing that pain with Wade. She still didnt.
Now, one month after the miscarriage, she was pouring herself into the job search once again. Milton was smiling again. Her world felt a bit more sane. And she knew that soon she would regain the sense of anticipation shed always had about carving out her own name in the big bad world of lawyers.
Still, the prospect of job hunting seemed decidedly unattractive on a beautiful, Indian Summer day like today. Instead she drove to Hollywood Lingerie and bought two bra-and-panty sets, a black silk camisole and tap pants, and a slinky, midnight-blue nightgown.
A huge garden center was just down the way from Hollywood Lingerie, which inspired Anne to think about a fall garden. Her mother had been talking about pansies and impatiens, and the store beckoned with flats and flats of those very flowers.
Anne took her time picking out the colors, mentally designing the flower beds in front of the house.
If Id known all it took was some flowers to make you smile, Id have got you a truckload.
Wade? Oh, for heavens sake, what was Wade Hardison doing at a garden center? But here he was, big as life, standing in front of her, smiling in that lazy, easy way of his, as if they ran into each other on the street every day.
Even more surprising were Wades companions, a little boy about seven and a girl, maybe four or five. She recognized them as Sam and Kristin, Jonathan Hardisons two kids.
Putting aside her lingering pique over her and Wades last meeting, she smiled at both children. Who do we have here? Dont tell me thats Sam and Kristin. Theyre too big to be Sam and Kristin.
The little girl hid her face against Wades jean-clad leg.
Annes heart fluttered dangerously. Lately she couldnt look at a child without thinking of the one she lost, but right now she couldnt afford to be maudlin. She ruthlessly pushed aside the thought of her own baby.
Cmon, you guys remember me, right? Anne cajoled. I was at your house on the Fourth of July. Im Anne.
Kids, say hi to Annie, Wade prompted.
Anne gave him a sharp look.
Uh, Anne. Her names Anne.
I member you, Anne. Were making a terrarium for our frogs, Sam said proudly, pulling a jar from their shopping cart, which also held several small green plants and some decorative rocks. He extended the jar for Annes inspection. Inside the jar, which contained a little moist dirt, were two of the tiniest frogs she had ever seen, no bigger than the end of her finger.
Oh, arent they cute, she said, taking the jar and holding it up to the light. I had a pet frog once.
We caught em as tadpoles, Sam said, and they took all summer to grow legs. Now they need a better home.
Do these frogs have names? Anne asked.
Mines Alexander the Great, Sam said. And mines Miss Pooh Bear, Kristin piped in, apparently having overcome her shyness. Do you have a boo-boo? She pointed to the Band-Aid on Annes inner arm.
Just a little one. Thank you for asking, Kristin.
Wade wasnt satisfied with her answer. I havent noticed the Bloodmobile around town.
Ah, no, I have your brother to blame for this.
Wade rolled his eyes. Jeff and his needles. Youre not sick, are you?
Anne waved away his concern, hoping she did a good job of sounding nonchalant. No, of course not. Just a routine blood test.
What for?
Nosy, arent we? Jeff is checking to see whether I have two X chromosomes, she answered without missing a beat. You know, since Im so she lowered her voice defeminized.
Oh, come on, Anne, dont hold that against me. It was a moment of desperation.
Of course Im holding it against you. What else would you expect from an uptight, frowning
Okay, okay, I get the point. Im sorry. I was way out of line. You dont look at all defeminized today.
She felt idiotically pleased by the compliment. She was just wearing a pair of jeans and short-sleeved cashmere sweater, but it had to look better on her than that potato-sack jumper shed worn to Autumn Daze. She turned away and pretended interest in a potting-soil display.
Looks like youre planning quite a gardening project, Wade said.
Theyre for my mother.
Hey, whats in there? Kristin asked, pointing to Annes shopping cart. To her mortification, the child was pointing to her Hollywood Lingerie bag, which was pink and sparkly and naturally attractive to a five-year-old girl.
Yeah, Id like to know that, too, Wade said with a wink.
Busted. Why hadnt she put the bag in her trunk before shopping for flowers? Didnt she know what kind of speculation she might invite, carrying around a bag like that?
Socks, she finally said, her voice coming out sounding strangled. They were on sale.
She could tell Wade didnt believe her, and she hoped the rush of heated blood through her veins didnt reveal itself in a blush. He would have to pry that bag out of her cold dead hands before she would admit what was in there.
Ive really got to get home, she said, turning her basket toward the checkout lanes.
No time to chat with an old friend? His voice was like warm honeynot his normal voice, which was pleasant enough, deep and smooth and sort of musical, but the voice he used in seduction mode.
Their gazes locked, and the store background noises receded, replaced by the roar of Annes blood in her ears. She could kiss him right here, right in the middle of Garden City. What was wrong with her? Why did all her powers of discretion and common sense disintegrate around Wade?
He ran one finger up her arm, which answered her question. She cast a nervous glance at the kids, but their attention had been captured by a giant plastic ant guarding a display of insecticides.
Did she just imagine the way his eyes seemed to change from ordinary brown to dark chocolate when he looked at her? Maybe she was reading way more into his gesture than he intended.
She took one step back. Cut it out, Wade.
No ones looking at us.
Can I be any clearer? I do not want to She realized both children had turned and were staring at her, fascinated with whatever she was about to say.
Careful, Wade said. Little pitchers
You know what I dont want.
I know what you do want. And you want it bad.
Anne was sure her face was bright pink as she took her turn with the cashier. The worst part of it was, he was right. She did want it. But all of her objections to renewing her relationship with Wade still held firm. Hed been perfect for slam-bam Annie, but the real Anne was more fragile. She didnt want to be hurt. Besides, hed be gone soon and so would she.
She quickly paid for her flowers, said a hasty goodbye to the children, pointedly ignored Wade and made her escape.
Under some other circumstances, perhaps, she would take Wade up on his offer. She liked him, liked him more each time she saw him, even when he played cat and mouse with her. She liked how devoted he was to his horsehe treated Traveler more like a pampered lapdog than working livestock. She was surprised by his ease with the children. They were perfectly comfortable with him, and he obviously had a soft spot for them.
Just as his initial impressions of her were wrong, maybe he wasnt the one-dimensional rodeo Romeo shed pegged him as.
Well, it was a moot point now.
When Anne arrived home, Deborah was thrilled to see the flowers. Ive completely neglected the yard for months, she said as she helped unload the Mus-tangs trunk, and Anne felt a little twinge of guilt. The only reason her mother had neglected anything was because shed focused her entire existence on Anne and her dilemma. These are perfect. Will you help me plant them?
Shes got work to do, Milton interjected.
But, Milton, Deborah objected, she needs to get more fresh air and sunshine.
Shell get plenty of that tomorrow.
Whats tomorrow? Anne wanted to know.
A barbecueat the Hardisons. Its for Petes eightieth birthday. Dont tell me I forgot to tell you.
Yes, you did. I dont think I can make it, Anne said automatically. The last people she wanted to be around were the Hardisons, particularly Jeff or Wade.
But you have to, dear. Pete Hardison hasnt seen you since last Christmas, and you know youre one of his favorites. His feelings would be hurt if you skipped his birthday party.
Deborah was right. Grandpa Pete, as she called him, had doted on her when her family had first moved to Cottonwood. Hed never had a daughter or granddaughter of his own, so hed informally adopted Anne.
Will the whole family be there? Anne asked.
I assume so. Even Wade. I dont know if you heard or not, but hes back home.
Anne jumped, but as her mother grabbed a flat of plants and set them on the garage floor, she seemed to assign no particular significance to dropping Wades name.
You remember him, dont you? Deborah carried on chattily. He ran away when he was sixteen, ran off and joined the circus or something. You were just a little girl. Anyway, hes come back, the proverbial prodigal son.
Yes, I remember him. In far too much detail. Deborah turned back to Anne. How was your checkup, anyway?
Fine. She hadnt told her parents about the blood tests. It wasnt something they needed to know at this stage in their lives. With any luck, theyd never have to know.
Anne, whats this? Deborah held up a tiny, green plastic pot with a sprig of ivy. One of the Hardison clans terrarium plants had apparently migrated into her cart.
Anne shrugged. An impulse purchase. Once again, she felt her traitorous face heating.
Ive got at least a dozen ivy plants rooting in the sunroom.
Anne forced a smile. I said it was an impulse. I didnt say it was smart.
ANNE MANAGED to put Wade out of her mind for most of the rest of the day by keeping really busy. That night, after all the gardening and phone calls and applications, she was so exhausted she fell immediately into a deep, dreamless sleep.
At precisely 3:00 a.m. she sat bolt-upright in bed with the most disturbing thoughts. Wade and those kids
When shed found out she was pregnant, shed thought a lot about how she would break the news to Wade. In her imaginings, the conversation was always hideous:
Wade, I dont know how this happened, but Im going to have your baby.
No way. Thats impossible. We were careful.
Not careful enough, apparently. There was that first time
How do you know its mine?
Because youre the only guy Ive slept with in the past year.
Like I believe that.
I dont want anything from you. I just thought you should know.
Yeah, well, youve done your civic duty. Click.
She had no real reason to believe he would treat her like that, but she hadnt had any trouble imagining how a guy like Wade would feel about fatherhood. Nightmare city. He didnt even have a permanent address, owned nothing but his horse, truck, trailer and the clothes on his back. Obviously, he had no desire to be tied down.
After shed lost the baby, her mother had tried to comfort her by saying the miscarriage was probably for the best, that a child should grow up with two parents. Anne had forced herself to agree, outwardly at least, to keep the peace. Shed even allowed herself some degree of relief because now she wouldnt have to track down Wade and tell him he was going to be a father.
But that was before shed seen him with Sam and Kristin. He was good with them. He obviously thought they hung the stars. Maybe he even fantasized about having kids of his own one day. And they adored him. Contrary to all her preconceived ideas, Wade Hardison might make a pretty good father.
And shed lost his baby.
Anne was ashamed she hadnt even given him a chance to prove what kind of father he could be. But now it was too late.