We have a special guest tonight, José said. Detective Diane Davies from our local police station. Shes going to talk to you all about how you can use aikido to protect yourself from an attacker.
Detective Davies was tall. She wore a T-shirt and sweatpants, and I could see muscle definition in her arms. Shed seemed nice at the time, like she really wanted to help. But in the end, shed let Magda down too.
I need someone to help me demonstrate these moves, Detective Davies said. Would anyone like to volunteer?
I put up my hand before I could stop myself. It wasnt that I wanted to be helpful, but that I was hoping to have the chance to punch her in the face. Not a particularly sane thought, but I was just so angry. Angry that Magda was gone. Angry that Jason Bentley hadnt known who I was. Angry that everybody was just going about their regular lives like nothing terrible had happened. My best friend was dead, and she had been for months. My life hadnt been the same since she was attacked, and it never would be. I was always going to wonder what Magda couldve been, what she couldve achieved, and about the fact that four assholes had made certain shed never do any of it.
So yeah, the chance to unload a little violencewith no ramificationson one of the people who had let Magda down was too tempting to pass up.
And maybe shed land a couple of strikes on me, and I could let the pain inside me go somewhere else. Take the punishment I deserved.
Detective Davies met my gaze as I approached the front of the dojo. When we stood face-to-face she smiled at me, and said, I know you. Its Hadley, right?
So she did remember. Yes.
Her smile faded a little. Good. I hope she remembered Magda, and that she felt at least a little guilt standing there with me.
First I want you to come at me, she instructed. Ill defend myself against you, then well break down the moves, and then youll use them on me.
I shrugged. Sure.
She moved a few feet away from me. Whenever youre ready.
I didnt run toward her, or lunge. But I quickly closed the distance between us and aimed a kick I had learned in tae kwon do at her sternum. She was fast, way faster than I anticipated. She grabbed my leg, using my momentum to throw me off balance and facedown on the floor.
I sucked in a deep breath to replace what had been knocked out of me, and pushed myself to my feet. She was good. And I was pissed at myself for not being at least as good.
The detective addressed the class. You all know that aikido is about displacing the energy of an attack. I didnt have to strike out, and I avoided being hit simply by using Hadleys momentum to my own advantage and against her. Now, Hadley, would you mind helping me break the moves down so that everyone can see before you use it against me?
I walked back to the center of the mat with her. We went through the movements again, this time in slow motion. I paid close attention to how she grabbed my leg and twisted her own body. This time when I hit the mat it was with barely any force at all, and I was able to catch myself.
Now, Diane said. I will attack you.
Obviously she knew other martial arts as well, because she came at me fast with a confident kick aimed at my midsection. Remembering her moves, I grabbed her leg and with a sharp pivot of my body, brought her crashing to the mat. I hoped she found it as hard to breathe as I had.
I offered her my hand to help her to her feet. She took it. As she rose to her feet she gave me an odd look, like she knew what was going on in my head. It made me uncomfortable.
Very good, she told me. Why dont the rest of you pair off and take turns practicing on your partners?
Not everyone had shown up for class that night, so I was left without a partner. Normally I wouldnt have cared, because it wouldve meant I got to spar with José. This time, however, it left me with the cop.
Youre very good, she told me. Though I dont believe aikido is meant to be used with such anger. She actually smiled when she said it.
I wanted to tell her off, but even I wasnt that ballsy. Sorry.
She laughed. Dont apologize. If youre ever attacked, I want you to be angry about it.
I looked her in the eyes. Im angry if any woman gets attacked.
Her smile slid from her face. Thats where I know you from. You were Magda Torress friend.
I still am her friend. The fact that shes dead doesnt change that.
No, she agreed. I wouldnt think that it did. She watched me like I was something potentially dangerous, as though she wasnt quite sure that I was safe to be around.
Sorry, I said, even though I didnt mean it. Today was the first day of senior year. Magda and I had a lot of plans, and today I realized that none of them were ever going to happen. Saying that out loud made my throat tight and my eyes burn. I blinked fast to clear them. This woman was not going to see me cry.
I wish I could say I dont know what youre going through. But unfortunately I have too good an idea. When I was in college, a good friend of mine was raped on campus. She didnt take her own life, but she carried the trauma with her for years afterward. She still does. They never caught the guy who did it. Shes the reason I became a cop.
Do you know who he was?
She shook her head. No.
Everyone knows who raped Magda. Maybe I was just stupid, or maybe I just didnt care what the consequences were, but I stepped close to her and stared directly into her eyes. And you werent able to catch them, either. Maybe you should consider another career choice.
She didnt even blink. Believe me, I considered it. But I have to believe that I can make more of a difference as a police officer than I could outside the law.
Good luck with that. I turned away from her and walked over to where José stood going over some paperwork. Will you spar with me? I asked.
He looked up, his friendly face looking bewildered. I thought youd want to learn from Detective Davies.
I dont think she can teach me anything helpful.
I used to think that some girl rolling her eyes at me, or sneering at me, was the worst expression in the world. Contempteven hatredthose are things I dont mind seeing in somebodys face anymore. What I hate is pitythat moment when someone looks at you and you can see it in their eyes, that they feel so badly for you, like youre a puppy that just got kicked.
Give her a chance, he suggested. I think the two of you might be able to help each other.
I knew better than to argue. José didnt get angry; he never raised his voice. Once you were in his class for a couple of sessions, you realized that he meant whatever came out of his mouth, and no amount of urging, begging or even threats could persuade him otherwise.
I stepped back to where Diane Davies stood. She was checking her phone.
José made you come back, did he? She didnt even glance up from her screen.
Yes. I said it through clenched teeth.
She looked me in the eye. Im very aware of how much I let Magda Torres and her loved ones down. How much the system let them down. I would give just about anything to go back and change that, but I think you and I both know you cant go back.
No, you cant. If we could, I would have never let her out of my sight at that party. I wouldve stopped her from taking those pills.
No, you cant. If we could, I would have never let her out of my sight at that party. I wouldve stopped her from taking those pills.
But you cant do either of those things. No one can. I know something you can do.
What? I could practically taste the bitterness and mockery in my tone.
José and I have been talking about starting a self-defense course for girls. I would like for you to be a part of it if youre interested. Help us teach other girls to protect themselves, so that what happened to Magda maybe wont happen to one of them.
I stared at her. Was she serious? She did know that Magda had been drugged, right? Being able to throw a punch wouldnt have helped her. Why me?
Because I think helping other girls might give you a place to channel all that anger.
Im not angry.
Instead of laughing like I expected her to, she gave me an understanding look. No, youre heartbroken.
Maybe she understood a little better than I thought. This class, are you going to teach them to actually fight, or will it just be things like blowing whistles and sticking people with keys? Because Magda had taken one of those classes, and it had done her absolutely no fucking good.
There might be a little bit of whistles and keys. But well be teaching them to fight, and to fight dirty. Were talking forcing testicles to retract, that kind of fighting.
For the first time in months, a genuine smile curved my lips. Im in.
* * *
You should eat something.
Sitting at the kitchen table, I looked up at my mother. She had that pinched expression on her face that Id seen a lot since Magda died. It was an expression I understood to mean that while she was worried about me, she was also annoyed with me. I think she thought that I should be over it by now.
But did we ever get over losing someone we cared about? I mean, it wasnt like Magda had moved to another city, or had gone away to school. She was gone. Forever. Three-quarters of my life had been spent with her and then, during the space of a few hours, shed stopped being. How did you just get over that?
Im not all that hungry.
Mom spooned some scrambled eggs onto my plate. At least eat these. You need the protein.
She was right. I wasnt one of those kids who thought my parents were wrong all the time. Usually they were right. Well, Mom usually was. My father pretty much just pissed me off whenever I saw him.
Then again, it didnt take much to upset me these days.
I didnt argue about the eggs. I ate them on autopilot, not really tasting them. I couldnt live the rest of my life like thisnumb except for bouts of rage. I knew it was part of the grieving process, but it was also exhausting.
Youve gotten so thin.
I ate another mouthful of eggs as a response. I hadnt really lost much weight. After the funeral I did lose about ten pounds, but some of those had come back. The difference was that I had been working out like mad. Aikido was the third martial arts class I had taken since I was thirteen. It hadnt started out as me just wanting to hit or kick something. I signed up for martial arts because I wanted to be fit, and it was really the only thing I found fun enough to stick with. And now it was the only thing that calmed me down.
Magda hadnt been into the kicking and punching. She liked to run and had been on the school track team. The muscles in her legs had been like granite. I ran with her once in a while, but I could never keep up.
Regardless, I was working out more, turning the soft parts of my body into something hard and strong.
The police officer that was at class last night asked me to help her with a self-defense class for girls.
Mom look surprised at this. Really? Why would she do that?
I shrugged. She thinks Im good. And she knew Magda.
There was that pinched look again. I dont know if thats a good idea, Hadley.
I do. And it wasnt until that moment when she opposed it that I realized I had already made up my mind about it. Im good at it, Mom. And if I can help even one girl escape what happened to Magda, it will be worth it.
She sighed. I suppose if I say no youll only do it anyway.
Why are you making it sound like I want to go out and do something reckless? Or something that might get me hurt or in trouble? Jesus, Mom. I shook my head. I just want to do something good.
She looked pained, like I was doing this deliberately to hurt her. I had no idea why she was so opposed to this. I had no idea what was going through her head. It was almost like she blamed Magda for my emotional state. It didnt make sense, but I was sure it was true.
Fine. Help at the class. If your grades start to suffer, you will quit.
I nodded. Sure. But I only made the promise so shed stop talking about it.
Mom wasnt done. Your father isnt going to like this.
It was so tempting to say that I didnt care if Dad liked it or not. I wanted to ask why she was so worried about his opinion anyway. It wasnt like he was ever around. He was always working or... Whatever.
Ill tell him, I said. Hell be okay with it when I tell him that I think it would be good for mehelp me work out the guilt I feel for Magda being raped.
My mother winced. The R word always made her intensely uncomfortable. It wasnt your fault. You know how much I liked Magda, but she ought to have known better than to be drinking at a party with that many boys around.
My fingers tightened around my fork. Her wordsso stupid and carelessmade me remember what Id said to Magda that day about being punished for making a mistake. She hadnt done anything wrong. No, those boys ought to have known better than to drug and rape a girl.
Hadley...
Dont you say it. Dont you dare say it. I didnt understand how she could think it, let alone believe it. I knew, however, that my mother wasnt the only woman to think that Magda had asked for what happened to her. Hell, even I had thought it once or twice. God, I wish I could take it back, because that guilt was a weight Id carry the rest of my life. Even if I walked into school stark naked with a box of condoms and a bottle of lube, I would not be asking to be raped.
Oh, Hadley! She made a face. Dont be so crude.
What if it had been me, Mom? Would you blame me? Would you say those things about me?
Of course not! She looked offended that Id even suggest it. God, she really didnt have a clue. I hope I raised you well enough that you wouldnt get yourself into such a situation.
Id had enough. There was a very real possibility that I was going to stab my mother with my fork if I didnt leave the house at that moment. I pushed back my chairit screeched against the floorand practically jumped to my feet.
I have to go. Ill be late for school. I grabbed my bag and stomped from the kitchen, throwing open the door so hard that it banged against the wall.
Hey! my mother yelled. Theres no need for that!
I ignored her and kept walking. I was halfway to school before I realized that I still had the fork in my hand.
CHAPTER 4