He sighed. I know theres such a thing as being too blunt, but you deserve the truth. Inside the kitchen, you make some of the spiciest, most creative dishes Ive ever tasted. But everywhere else, Miriam, youre a little too bland for me.
WHEN I ARRIVED HOMEa reasonably priced duplex apartment in North Charleston with nice amenities but entirely too little kitchen counter and pantry spaceI was still vacillating between shock and anger. Tomorrow, I might be feeling homicidal, or at least angry enough to submit my résumé to Spicy Seas top competitors. Tonight, though, hours of being on my feet and orchestrating the precision timing of entrées had left me too drained to sustain quality rage.
I pitched my keys on the unfinished wooden TV stand in the living room, then plunked myself down on the striped couch, where I went through the motions of shuffling the days mail. But I couldnt truly focus on any of the envelopes in my hand, stuck as I was on the unexpected relationship drama that had unfolded. In this evenings performance, the part of Arrogant Jackass will be played by Trevor Baines.
I was bland?
Until tonight, Id been methodical, which benefited my cooking and was one of the traits Trevor had claimed to like, part of what made us a good match. Trevor had always been more an ambitious dreamer than a doer, although he had been proactive about our relationship. From the beginning, he had pursued me. Perhaps that in itself should have been a red flag, now that I thought about it. None of the men Id attracted beforenot that their numbers were legionhad possessed Trevors looks, money and charisma.
Dont get me wrong. I didnt fall out of the ugly tree or anything, Ive just never been one to put much energy into attracting attention. Because of my hours sweating in the kitchen, I tended to skip makeup and simply pull back my too-dark-to-be-blond, not-quite-brown hair. My style guidelines came from the health department rather than fashion magazines. Besides, even if I were more fashion-conscious, Im not exactly a hotbed of potential, with a body just waiting to be draped in the right materials. I exercise frequently to avoid love of food becoming expanse of ass, so Im not overweight, but Im not waiflike, either. Or curvy. I have whats politely called an athletic build.
The no-frills exterior hadnt dissuaded Trevor, though. Wed met when I was working as a sous-chef at an upscale restaurant where the manic executive chef walked out in a prima donna fit one night. Id received a hasty interim promotion, and Trevor, a regular patron, had noticed the difference. Hed asked to come back to the kitchen and pay his compliments, and wed started dating soon after.
Now that I thought about it, even his earliest displays of interest had included his conviction that I was destined to be the headliner somewhere instead of an understudyand hints that he wanted to open a place of his own. Some men schemed to get into a womans pants. Guess Trevor had just wanted into my recipe box.
I blinked away a fleeting sense of feminine inadequacy, redirecting my irritation to this months bills. But the dove-gray envelope in my hand said Hargrave NonFiction. My fingers trembled slightly, and I dropped everything else on the mosaic-tiled end table. Although it had originally been Trevors brainstorm for me to try to have a cookbook published, as a possible promotional tie-in to the restaurant, Id enthusiastically warmed to the idea. So many months had passed since Id submitted the pages, however, that Id almost given up hope of ever hearing back from the publisher. Fine cognacs aged in less time than it took these people to make decisions.
The letter in my hand was thin, and I was half-afraid to open it. Wouldnt good news have come by phone so that we could discuss details? Then again, if it was bad news, what better time to get it than tonight? All I needed were some black balloons and second-rate wine and I could throw myself a genuine pity party.
I scanned over the letterhead and obligatory Thank you for thinking of us opener. They dont want it. I read the note twice, then wished Id stopped at the first pass. The upshot was that my recipes sounded fantasticbut people would never discover this if they didnt buy the book, and I didnt have a strong enough marketing hook to stand out among the daunting competition of better known chefs. The editors invited me to try again if I could present a more persuasive selling point, which I took to mean, Please resubmit if you ever get famous.
Its not personal, I told myself. But it sure as hell felt that way, in light of the double whammy Id received tonight. My lover found me to be not woman enough for him, and now an editorial committee in New York had deemed me not chef enough. My identity was caving in like a subpar soufflé.
I punched a sofa pillow. Normally, my coping mechanism of choice was a therapeutic cooking binge, but for what it would take to make me feel better tonight, my kitchen didnt have the necessary square footage. I wasnt sure the eastern seaboard had enough square footage. I knew how everyone else in my family handled crisistalking. Theyd talk it out, then do a recap, followed by lengthy discussion of how much it meant to them that they could have these meaningful conversations.
Big with the sharing, my family.
Mom, Dad and my older brother, Eric, have a patent-pending method of baring their souls as quickly and often as possible. If they could get it registered as an Olympic event, the Scotts would take home gold every four years. I picture it as a lot like the luge, but in the three minutes it takes the team to get to the bottom, theyd have to exchange stories on every date, breakup and medical condition theyd ever had. Judges would base scores on technique around the curves and accurate recall of personal details.
Despite my familys manic outgoingnessor maybe because of itIve always been a little reticent. There used to be tremendous pressure for me to open up, but then my brother married a woman who filled the gaping hole in my parents lives, giving them the daughter theyd expected me to be. Its difficult to tell from my twin nieces frequent inappropriate public announcements whether theyve inherited the legacy, or theyre just being standard-issue three-year-olds.
Im thinking they came by it honestly. My sister-in-law is not to be trusted in public. Id been with her at a grocery store a few months ago, bent down to grab a pack of gum, and by the time I straightened, Carrie had launched into a discussion about breast-feeding with the cashiermuch to the chagrin of the elderly man ahead of us in line. I may have temporarily blacked out when the words cracked nipples became part of the conversation.
I had to admit, though, that for all my discomfort with the soul-baring Scotts, a sympathetic ear sounded pretty good right now. What I really needed was a sympathetic ear that came with mob ties and an affordable have-your-ex-whacked layaway plan. (Im kidding, of course. I have my eye on a new set of Calphalon cook-ware Id spend money on long before I wasted any funds on Trevor.)
Just this once, I gave into genetic coding and reached for the cordless phone. Lord knows Carrie would be elated if I called her. The dial tone buzzed in my ear along with second thoughts. If I confided in Carrie, everyone whod ever met me would know about my humiliation by noon tomorrow. Besides, my sister-in-law wasnt part of the Vampire Clubmeaning she, like most normal people, would be asleep right now.
Folks who work in the food services and the club/bar scene tend to form a tight-knit group because of our isolating schedules. For instance, my neighbor a few doors down, bartender Amanda White, is my polar opposite in many waysfrom her outspokenness to her compulsive datingbut we share the habit of getting home around three in the morning. Over the past four months, wed become pretty good friends, frequently meeting after hours for breakfast and parting ways before sunrise. Hence the vampire reference, though frankly Id be lost without garlic.
Folks who work in the food services and the club/bar scene tend to form a tight-knit group because of our isolating schedules. For instance, my neighbor a few doors down, bartender Amanda White, is my polar opposite in many waysfrom her outspokenness to her compulsive datingbut we share the habit of getting home around three in the morning. Over the past four months, wed become pretty good friends, frequently meeting after hours for breakfast and parting ways before sunrise. Hence the vampire reference, though frankly Id be lost without garlic.
I knew Amanda hadnt been scheduled to work tonight; would she still be up? Before I even realized Id stood, I was opening my front door, still clutching the rejection letter. The summer night air was muggy around me, and I clenched my fists as I strode toward Amandas. By the time I reached her front porch, Id unconsciously crumpled the paper in my hand to roughly the size of a bouillon cube.
Soft lights spilled through the curtains of Amandas front windows, so I rapped my knuckles across the door, loudly enough to catch her attention if she was reading in the living room or watching a DVD, but gentle enough that she could ignore it if she was sleepingor otherwise engaged. She receives amorous offers on a near nightly basis, which, trust me, youd understand if you saw her. I try never to stand too close to her, for self-esteem reasons.
Footsteps thudded on the other side of the door, followed by a pause. I knew she was glancing through the peephole, and I stood waiting, feeling oddly like a suspect behind a one-way mirror in a police lineup.
The security chain rattled, then Amanda opened the door. Her curly chin-length hair, platinum blond of late, was tousledvery new-millennium Marilyn Monroeand a pink nightshirt hung to midthigh, her tall, curvy frame making her look like a lingerie model despite the plain cotton. Hey, Miriam.
Did I wake you?
Course not. I cant remember the last time I was in bed this early, she said, her alert gaze confirming her answer as she backed away from the door.
Once we were both inside, she studied me with a curious expression. Is everything okay?
I, ahNot really.
She waved her hand to indicate I should follow her into the oblong kitchen/dining room area. Our floor plans were almost identical, but her furnishing was as modern and fashionable as she herself was. She sat in a straight-backed chair at the black lacquered table. I remained standing, restless despite my fatigue.
You want to talk about it? she prompted.
Sort of. I mean, thats why I was here, but the words didnt exactly burst forth.
How did my family do this? If I explained how the evening had begun so promisingly, only to end in my being dumped and rejected, wouldnt it start stinging all over again? Wouldnt I sound like a pathetic loser? Clearly, if spilling your guts was an Olympic event, I wouldnt make it past the qualifying round.
Besides, although Amanda was arguably my closest friend, we had an unspoken agreement not to discuss Trevor much. He had never hit it off with her, which Id found ironic considering the huge number of men she did like. It was a little embarrassing to find out shed been right.
Mir?
I stared at her blankly.
Ive got some vino in the fridge, she offered. Want me to break it out?
As long as it wasnt the type of cabernet sauvignon you were supposed to pair with lamb. Trevor and I broke up. The admission got me goingpushed me over the edge and unleashed the building g-forces.
Amandas memorable violet eyes widened in shock as I paced around the table, explaining in rapid-fire delivery that I was somehow too bland for the man who had proclaimed to love me as recently asWell, I couldnt specifically remember the last time hed said it, but still! Then I talked about how Hargrave NonFiction, people whod reportedly paid six figures for the biography of a supermodels Chihuahua, didnt want me either.
At some point, Amanda poured us each glasses of white wine. Having had practice with people sharing tales of woe over cocktails, she was a seasoned pro at listening. Mostly, she muttered little sounds of encouragement and, where appropriate, a briefly interjected, That pompous bastard. All much appreciated. When I finally wound down, I slumped into one of the matching chairs, realizing I did feel oddly better. Maybe there was something to be said for this talking stuff out.
But theyd be serving sorbets in hell before I worked cracked nipples into a conversation.
Wow. Amanda heaved a sigh. Ive never heard you say so much at one time. Youre good and truly pissed off.
You dont think I should be?
Are you kidding? Im ecstatic. I mean, not about the rotten night, but everything will work out in the long run. This just gives you the chance to write an even more kick-ass cookbook. And I never was convinced that Trevor was the right guy for you.
After tonight, I was inclined to agree. Who the hell did he think he was? The encounter at the restaurant had knocked me so off balance that his unexpected criticism had temporarily made me feel lacking somehow. Colorless and insignificant. But the only thing wrong with me were the hours Id wasted on an ungrateful egomaniac.
Ill show him colorless.
I slapped my hands down on the table and leaned forward. You know what? I want to get
Sloshed? She stood to get us more refills.
My friend, the ever helpful bartender. When life hands you lemons, do tequila shots.
No. Well, maybe. I was getting there, since Id been pretty tired even before the first couple of glasses. But I was going to say even.
You want vengeance? she asked as she walked around the counter that separated the dining room from the kitchen.
Not vengeance. In the past, Id channeled my emotions into cooking and had come up with some of my best dishes. Now, my anger had taken a subconsciously productive turn. Vindication.
Bland, huh, Trevor?
Not compelling enough for the Big Apple big shots?
Maybe I could roast two ducks with one glaze.
I have a plan, I said.
Amanda shook her head. Can I be like you when I grow up? Id still be cussing the guy out and cutting up his picture, and here you are already methodically working through your problems and coming up with sensible solutions.
I winced at the word methodical, wondering if it was code for boring. Im not sure sensible is the right word for what I have in mind.
OooIm liking the sound of this. Anything I can do to help?
Possibly. Even though Im often more of a loner, I couldnt think of anyone better for helping me brain-storm my bizarre, fledgling ideathe type of idea best mulled over at 3:00 a.m. with a little alcohol buzzing through your system.
So, whats your plan? she wanted to know.
I laughed recklessly. Sex sells, right?
2
An appetizer is the first impressionthat simple yet delicious moment when your eyes meet across the room and zing!
Six months later
THE PROBLEM WITH temporary insanity is that its temporary. Eventually it wears off and youre left with What have I done? Such was the case with me this fine afternoon in mid-January.
Spicy Seas was closed on Tuesdays, so I sat in the empty tavern where Amanda worked. Since the bar didnt open until happy hour and the early-shift waitress had called in sick, the place was deserted except for me, Amanda and a hunky bar-back named Todd. They were setting up for this evenings business, and I was swiveling listlessly on one of the stools lined up at the polished teak counter that ran the length of the wall. I glanced past Amanda, a shag-cut strawberry-blonde since Christmas, to the mirrored paneling, trying to reconcile my reflection with the author of the sexy book that would be on shelves at the beginning of February.