Yes, she is, Blaise sighed. Isnt she beautiful.
Cries went up from the multitudes as people fell to their knees to mourn, to moan, and to pray.
Cheers went up on the Muslim side of the border and rifle fire was heard in the distance, followed by calls to prayer.
Blaises darling little red heifer had waded into the pond, was baptized, and had come out the other side a lovely brown as herself. Blaise could not have been happier as all the fanfare began to wane and people drove off in billows of dust clouds to points unknown, and where she couldnt care less.
As it happened, the American ministers also witnessed the promise of the end come to an end. Reverend Beam said, Son, this is all the proof you need to know the Jews are cursed.
What do we do now, Hershel? Take it to Pastor Tim?
Its nonsense in the first place. Jesus will return before these Jews ever get their red calf anyway. Besides, we just want it to happen so theyll see once and for all the one true Messiah is Jesus, and itll be too late for them.
Should we pray on it?
We should be rejoicing. The Jews are cursed. Its as simple as that and God has spoken and the world has heard. The Lord is upon us and his will shall be done. Yes, take it to Pastor Tim Hayward, gentleman farmer, and pray on it.
Boris stood under the barn, hidden in the shadows of the pilings. Mel, along with the Rottweilers Spotter and Trooper, approached the boar from behind and startled him.
Something must be done about the Large White.
Boris choked and coughed. A yellow feather shot from his jaws. Mel and Boris watched as the feather twirled in the air and floated to the ground. Boris belched, As the messiah, it cannot be expected of me to live on our daily bread alone.
You shall not go hungry doing the Lords work.
It is never-ending, tiresome work. He spat.
Thank you for your keen observation in stamping out meddling witches from our midst. You have done us a good service by ridding us of a nuisance.
It was nothing really, Boris said, mostly bone and feathers.
Never mind her, Mel said. Another reason to eliminate the Yorkshire Baptist as the heretic that he is. Why has the red calf turned brown after hes baptized her? Ample proof he is a heretic, and as such must be dealt with.
He preaches abstinence, so why cant we just allow him to fade away?
He needs to be made an example of, a warning of what will happen to anyone if he goes against the teachings of our Lord and Father in Heaven. As long as he remains standing, breathing, preaching against you, and your reign from the shade of the fig tree, youll neither have the animals under your control nor be recognized as their one true savior and messiah. He has to be dealt with or youll never bring all the animals to your ministry, or into the fold of our one true church.
We preach at opposite ends of the same pasture.
Bring your sermons into the barn, our church.
Thought the barn was your domain.
As far as you can see and beyond, Mel said as he stepped out of the barn, all is my domain and you are here out of my good graces. He stood before Boris the boar, the savior of the animals.
Ill go to the monk.
You, foolish pig, Mel said. Go to the monk. Hell live high on the hog and youll enter heaven through his backsides.
The two dogs growled.
At ease, youll have your day in the sun. Mel turned to the boar, Go and minister to your flock.
I will after my nap.
The priest, indignant, led the children away. Come on, he said, get back on the bus. The Jews are cursed. Fuck, were all cursed. Were all going to hell in a handbasket. Oh, dear Lord, when will it ever end? The priest and the kids got on the bus, and all the pilgrims left, disheartened, sad that theyd have to wait a little while longer for the return of Jesus and the end of the earth.
When the Chinese and Thai laborers saw the newly brown young heifer, they went to get the moshavnik.
El hijo de puta, Juan Perelman cursed, not wanting God to hear him, or at any rate not wanting God to understand.
The Chinese laborer who was also a gentleman asked his countryman and Taoist what Perelman had said.
Im not Filipino, he replied. I dont know Spanish.
12
Curses Revisited
When Rabbi Ratzinger returned, along with members of his congregation, he was prepared. His congregation opened umbrellas against the possibility of falling objects or projectiles. They did not need to worry, though, for none of the fowl was around to make an impact. They knew what had been done was done.
Not knowing this, the rabbi and company stepped cautiously under tightly held umbrellas through the cow-pod spewed minefield of the barn lot and approached the once-great bull at the watering tank. The rabbi intended to reverse the curse that he had placed on the bull, now steer, ten months and three days before. He wished to formally forgive the bull, now steer, of his sins, and to restore him to his former glory with the help of G-d, and a miracle. We are sorry, dear sir, for the mistake made against you. Please accept our humble apologies, and give of yourself once again to the Jersey cow, Rabbi Ratzinger said in earnest. We resend the curse put upon you, and wish you only good, and to return you to your former greatness. You shall no longer suffer an eternity as a result of our insolence and intolerance. Therefore, it is no longer deemed an abomination against G-d, nor a deed punished, for all is forgiven. You shall once again take up your rightful place, and go where you please, and with your masculine pride intact do what you please with whomsoever you please, please. Hence, go forth once again recognized on this, the Perelman moshav, and all moshavim of your presence, and be fruitful and bear gifts of offspring, and to offer that progeny as an offering to the Jewish people, and the world. Let us pray for the safe return of the missing testicles to their rightful place and ask G-d for the forgiveness of those short-sighted enough not to have known the consequences of their previous actions and wrongdoings against this great creature. Oh, dear Lord, please, unto this bull we ask that you undo our wrongs, and pardon him, this great and powerful Simbrah Bull who is, now as then, without sin. May the Lord return his name under the sun, make his presence known again, his seed fertile, repair the cruelest of cuts, and repair him, and his undoing to his former self among his people, his fellow-creatures, particularly his fellow cows. May they love him from this time forth to eternity as we reverse all curses of the firmament which are written in the book of the law and forgive him his transgressions.
It was believed by the faithful since the bull had once mated with the Jersey, and as a result of their labors had brought forth a red calf, they could again, as long as he was returned to his former glory with his gonads intact. Unfortunately, it was too late for any of that. Bruce stood between the water tank and the gate he had once broken through, and the fence which now he rested against.
Bruce yawned.
The two American ministers were amused. They stood at the fence near the road and, from a distance, watched as the reverse-the-curse prayer service took place in the barn lot. The old black and gray mule passed by inside the fence and grazed along the fence nearby. From the hayloft, Julius, while clutching a paintbrush in his left talon, saw the expressions that ran across the faces of the three laborers, which he noted, and would remember for another time, but for what he didnt yet know.
The laborers, embarrassed, their heads tilted, sheepishly stole sidelong glances at one another, adverting the rabbis and each others stare, for they knew where those gonads had gone, and no matter how earnestly the rabbi prayed, or the male congregation rocked and wailed, no miracle was going to return those gonads to their rightful owner. They were not going to grow back, come back, or be returned, for the three laborers had feasted on the rich delicacy only a few weeks before. Not two shared among three but a platter of many. For their labors, the laborers had amassed an impressive assortment of sheep, pig, and cow testicles. Once collected, peeled, egg and flour coated, salt and pepper added for taste, they were deep-fried to a golden brown. Then as an appetizer as Rocky Mountain oysters, or as the laborers preferred, swinging beef tips, along with a cocktail dipping sauce, served before the main dish of roast goose. I have one for you, Hershel, the youth minister said.
Whats that, Randy?
A joke, but Catholics dont much care for it. Its about their beloved Virgin.
Lets have it, Reverend Beam laughed.
When the Archangel Gabrielle visited the young virgin with the proposition of becoming impregnated by the Holy Ghost, she asked, Will it hurt? To which the Angel replied, Yes, but just a little. All right, answered Mary, the little strumpet.
In some cultures, among certain peoples of the world, particularly those who lived along the Ohio River Valley and Appalachia in the Southeast United States, it was believed that ingesting cows brains or pigs nuts would make one smart. It was also believed among the people of Appalachia and along the Ohio River Valley that they were Gods chosen, and heaven was theirs alone.
* * *
Scrambled eggs in America
From the Ohio River Valley region and along Appalachia, a rich delicacy of calf brains was highly prized and often served with scrambled eggs. And bovine spine, brains, and gonads were often eaten, along with pig and sheep nuts, rounding out the top ten dishes that were believed to make a person smart, but with caution, not to eat too many. In this part of the country, regardless of the organ served, whether cows balls or brains, the dishes were often collectively called cows brains. Therefore, a dish of scrambled eggs served with cows brains was a euphemism used to protect their young against the nuts and bolts as it were of the vulgarities of the nuts and balls that were being served up on their platters.
As with many people across the face of the earth, the three laborers considered a battered platter of calf or pig or sheep nuts a worthy dish to ward off the ill effects of impotency. Consuming the gonads of a male mammal, it was believed, would repair the gonads of the male mammal eater. The three laborers ate plenty. They feasted on swinging beef tips, believing that the more they consumed the better the aphrodisiac. Therefore, as reality would dictate, Rabbi Ratzinger and his congregation, no matter how earnestly they prayed to G-d, no miracle was going to reverse the curse and return those gonads.
The American ministers, unlike the Asian or the nomad, knew they would one day enter the kingdom of heaven for a life spent groveling at the imaginary feet of Jesus. Unlike others, Jews, Muslims, or Chinese, the ministers knew not only did they have God on their side, but by virtue of their resemblance to the Lord, they were His precious chosen few. They were content, waiting for the triumphed return of their Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
How could these people ever think theyd be allowed into heaven?
Who, Randy said, the Jews?
Any of em, Reverend Hershel Beam said. I mean, where does it say in the bible any of these people, people heaven?
I dont know, the Old Testament?
Well, it doesnt. Take my word for it.
Well, then, thank goodness.
No, Randy, thank God.
The Thai laborer, like his American counterpart, didnt need an education he thought as he took a shovel from the shelf and commenced shoveling sheep shit from the stalls. Unlike their American counterparts, though, the laborers had most of their faculties and senses about them and were under no delusion of an afterlife in another realm. They werent even white, so how could they possibly even think theyd be allowed into heaven reserved for good, Christian folk anyway? Any good Christian Fundamentalist knew this, for the Bible told them so.
At the edge of the village, Muslim men sat perched on the hill overlooking the farm below with the sheep, and their little lambs, along with the goats, grazing in the fields, the fields of goat and sheep and little lambs, and knew where their next feast was coming from. It was the end of Ramadan and the eve of the joyous three-day celebration of fast-breaking called Eid al-Fitr, which meant trouble for the animals of the moshav, for the Muslims were in a charitable mood and hungry too. It was sundown. Several men struck matches to the ends of cigarettes.
13
Midnight Marauders
It was a moonless night and a cool breeze blew over the farm from the Sinai desert. Ezekiel and Dave perched in the great olive tree out in the middle of the main pasture.
It sure is dark, Ezekiel said.
Yes, well, at least its not stormy, Dave replied. There came a rustling from the dark, followed by a streak over the fence. Did you see that?
What do you think I am, a barn owl? Ezekiel said. I cant see anything. Its dark.
Did you hear that?
What?
Mel rushed to the barn and told Boris, If you want the farm animals to follow you as their savior, heres your chance. Go save your flock.
A flock of geese cackled as Boris ran up against them in the dark and they scattered. They quickly regrouped and waddled out into the rustling noises from the pasture. As their eyes adjusted to the darkness, they made out images, short-lived streaks, followed by sounds and voices they did not understand.
The farm animals, great and small, ducks, aforementioned geese, chickens, goats, and sheep attacked, protecting their own, as pigs, the pokers, boars, and sows squealed and fought off the marauders in the night. Noises came from the Egyptian side, the sound of fence giving way under the weight of men climbing over and falling into the pasture. Others fell back onto Egyptian soil with the spoils of the attack before anyone could stop them. Still more were chased along the fence line and prevented from any more damage than they had already wrecked.
Boris, with abandon, darted into the fields and bulldozed his way through dozens of robed images in the dark. He reared back onto his hind legs and kicked, rammed, and horned the raiders of the moshav. Someone cried out and splashed into the pond, followed by bleating. Someone else yelled in Arabic and was followed by peals of laughter. Others scrambled across the pasture, chased by a herd of wild geese. Ducks quacked, chickens crowed, and pigs squealed through the darkness. And from the cries heard in the dark, Boris must have spiked several men with his tusks as the tide turned. The animals turned back the rustlers, chasing them from the moshav, over the perimeter fence, and across the border into Egypt. The chickens crowed, the porkers squealed, and no longer from pain but pride. The animals had thwarted the raid. The fowl felt cocky for foiling the attack, and victory was theirs.
And from the safe sanctuary of the barn, Mel declared Boris the savior, for hadnt he just saved them all, great and small, regardless of species, from the marauders and prevented them from taking more from among their flocks? The farm animals agreed and accepted this as gospel. There would have been untold loses, and unfathomable pain, had it not been for the Godsend attention and power of Boris, our Lord, and Savior, proclaimed Mel.