What do you want?
I want you, princess, if peace must be made, then both sides must get something out of it, I dont need forgiveness anymore, I will ask you.
What is it for? She asked seriously. Why indeed, for there is no human desire in him. Why does he suddenly need her so much?
I dont know, he admitted honestly. And it sounded like a divine revelation, something like the fact that an angel cannot comprehend the nature of himself.
Madael frowned thoughtfully, as if he had something else to say, but didnt know how to put it into words.
No one ever loved me, he finally admitted. And I was considered a favorite of God, but there was no affection, no warmth, only honor and a lack of something I needed. I didnt know what it was, but I lacked it so much that everything became a torment.
He ran his fingers lower on her shoulder, making sure he didnt accidentally forget and squeeze the fragile neck.
It is better to be unnoticed by a god than to be his favorite, because he condemns his lovers to suffering.
She remembered everything that had happened to her and barely nodded, he was right, the suffering was overwhelming. And there was always one question why. Why did she always endure where others won? If all the trouble poured out on her was a manifestation of being chosen and of heavenly love, then she would have preferred to do without both. But not without what was happening now. That was exactly what she was not supposed to do, but it could be gladly accepted. Sin was a beautiful thing and so sublime. But she couldnt call it sin. Only hypocrites would call it that. Rhianon gripped her arm around his waist, pulling him tighter against her shoulder. The wing behind him trembled slightly, but it felt good to lean her back against it. It was feathery and mighty to the touch, softer than the hides that lined the floor of the tent.
What do you mean? She asked. Shed learned the truth about him, but not about herself. She could never boast that she had the right to consider herself the favorite of the Almighty. On the contrary, God must have hated her very much, for he had taken from her everything she valued. Of course, there was also the dream of heaven of being expected there. Rhiannon remembered the long staircase, infinitely high, but she didnt want to think about it now.
You were Gods favorite, I was not, and all those who went with you, whom he also loved
Come, Madael stood up abruptly and held out his hand to her. I will show you what has become of them.
There was before them a gloomy valley, so black that everything around it was drowned in darkness. At first it was impossible to see even the hideous bodies cowering below. They intertwined and moved in a strange cacophony of sounds and rustles. Beyond the valley rose mountains that encircled the place as if in a ring. And stone blocks awkwardly piled somewhere in the distance staggered with their grandiosity. Neither man nor nature could have created something like that. And all this just beneath the starry skies that had once been the home of those who now swarmed in the valley, like the trough left behind by the fall.
Rhianon looked around and shuddered. Her eyes were beginning to see unnaturally well in the dark. Her companion must have been a gift from her super-sharp perception of her surroundings and her keen eyesight. He could imbue mortals with unusual qualities. And he was so close to her that it seemed that his very power had begun to be transmitted to her as well. But now she was more concerned with what was going on below. There was a sudden movement, a shrill sound, and then Rhianon shuddered as the sound of a hellish scream echoed through the valley. Even the mountains in the distance seemed to tremble. And that scream was not the only one. The moon rose, casting scant light on the gloomy expanse, and soon hundreds, thousands of them were screaming. One would have thought that every yard of ground beneath them was living, agonizing and screaming.
Look, this is the cry of those who had everything and have lost everything and know that there is no return, Madael whispered, holding her tightly to him.
His face was terrifyingly calm. Not a muscle flickered, and his vacant eyes were expressionless. She was shattered inside, crying out.
Should I feel pity for you?
Oh, no, he arched his eyebrows expressively, I expect no pity from anyone, my dear, and they deserve what they get because they followed me.
You really are the devil.
Yes, but you belong to me, not to the god who tortures them so.
Rhianon involuntarily wondered what would happen if he suddenly opened his arms and let her fall into the demon-infested abyss.
But Madael was in no hurry to let her go. On the contrary, trusting no magic, he did not unclench his arms. Hanging in the air himself, he put his arms around her waist, so that Rhianon, her back pressed against his chest, could see perfectly well what was going on below. He let her enjoy the sight before he turned and flew away. It was just as lightning struck the clumps. Rhianon realized that she had only seen part of it. She assumed that some impossibly strong, clawed creature was still dragging these boulders and piling them on top of each other.
Are they building a temple for you? She guessed. It is a temple for a defeated deity
It was for their deity, he reminded her firmly. You can call it a temple if you like. I dont know what it is yet, but theyve got to have something to do, so theyve got to build it. Just think if mortals were to pray to us, to me and to you, and make blood sacrifices in this place. And then my servants will sacrifice themselves.
You are unbearable.
I had someone to learn from, he remarked reasonably, perhaps recalling his former lord. His words made sense, Rhianon thought.
Stop this construction, she asked.
Why is it?
It is to please me.
He seemed to find that answer to his liking. She couldnt turn around to look him in the face as he hurtled across the sky with her, but she thought for a moment there was a contented grin on his face.
Youre just like me. And you dont like their cries either. They make me feel better sometimes, though. Its always nice to know that someone is suffering a little, and not just enjoying the pain of the world. I can never get used to the suffering of others, Rhianon. I cant imagine why these things whimper when the real pain is unknown to them.
I suppose it is known only to you.
Oh, yes, it is, he said. He had already brought her into the tent and set her on the bed. The folds of the new smoky gold garment hed given her rustled pleasantly. It seemed that this dress of unknown fabric could change color on its own. Not long ago it had been blue, then emerald, and now gold again. The whole gamut of colors was in that fabric, just as the whole palette of pain was reflected in the eyes of the fallen angels.
Madael understood without words what she was thinking and crouched beside her.
I wont let you suffer, the lilies were ready to bloom from his touch, but she remembered the blood and the fire and the screams of hell.
You wont have to go through what they did, believe me, I wont let that happen.
Why is it not?
The answer stunned her.
I dont know.
At first she didnt even believe it. Whether he was joking or trying to fool her again with his heavenly philosophy, but his voice sounded quite serious. Only someone who really couldnt comprehend himself could speak so thoughtfully. She looked at him and realized, he really didnt know. How complicated he was, a mistake of nature and at the same time its crowning glory, he could not comprehend his own feelings.
Then can you answer one question about my kingdom for me?
Yes, he looked at her eagerly.
Rhianon hesitated for a moment. It was hard for her to ask and she was afraid to hear the answer.
Ive asked you this before, but I want your answer honestly. Why is it Loretta? Why would you fight on their side if there was no justice with them?
No, he agreed. But theres more evil on Menuels side.
He lowered his head for a moment, unsure of what to say. There was a moment of hesitation on his handsome face, and then he spoke again.
You see, there are chosen ones These people are a mistake, but they are extraordinarily valuable. God wants them to know the world in suffering, only then can they create. My demons whisper to people to do evil to these chosen ones, but in turn, anyone who has wronged them will face unbearable punishment. Its an endless cycle, and Im tired of it. In Menuel, on the other hand, there are blacksmiths who are almost as gifted as my Zwergs. Theyre almost as close to divinity, and for that alone they should be gone, or at least those of them who are particularly gifted. But that doesnt bother me anymore, because Ive seen many civilizations crumble, countries and cities disappear, villages burn. I myself have often accompanied this along with my fallen armies. I dont care which side I fight on, because I support no one myself.
Except justice, she reminded me.
Thats Gods notion, not mine, and its pretty streamlined, he reached up and gripped the hilt of the sword against the stock. Justice is in the blood. Its the way of the world. And it makes me sick.
He looked as if he were about to let out a sigh of fire from his pale lips that would devastate everything. Rhianon shrank back involuntarily. But in a moment he looked back at her, and his eyes were clear.
It was as if I wanted to say, before I met you, he said, that I have someone to defend and a fighter on whose side I must fight now. I am always on your side.
And what is it about Menuel? She asked after a lingering silence.
He shrugged dismissively.
The wretched workmen and drunks. They had not only made fun of one of the chosen ones, they had almost killed him. Theyd had their fun that day. Arnaud barely got away from their dogs, barely survived but he stayed. I think he had already forgotten about the incident, but the payback came, in due time, in my person You see, its all an endless cycle, and the deceptive feeling of peace only makes it harder to come back. And everyone on this earth can be considered a sinner, and I will catch up with them sooner or later. First is Menuel, then it is Loretta. Believe me, after a deceptive victory, defeat will be even harder for them.
Yes, and now I have to do with my own hands all the things I opposed. And, believe me, thats the worst punishment.
I dont believe you.
Rhianon, he put his hands on her shoulders, careful not to crush her fragile human bones. Strange, he could have killed her, and she was not afraid.
God makes you do things that even from the outside you couldnt bear to watch. He destroys you with your own hands. What a cruel way to crush a strong will.
Do I have a choice?
You would have, if after your first defeat, you hadnt grown indifferent. All the desires in you fell asleep as soon as you lost.
You woke them up.
But you still obey his orders.
Do you? He drew her to him, as if to say that hed already broken a cardinal command by forbidden intimacy with a human. For some reason he had always put her above all humans. He did not even express it with words, only with quiet gestures of reverence, admiration, even some kind of adoration, rather than love. She had learned to guess his thoughts. He thought about taking by force something that should never have belonged to him.
One thought roused him. It was time to discard not only his sword, shield, and cloak, but also the clothes that were no longer necessary. He quickly freed himself from his armor. With his hands he helped Rhianon remove her dress. He needed her scalding kisses, as he had once prayed. He needed this beautiful toy on his bed with a human body and a consciousness close to that of an angel. If God thought that expelling him from paradise deprived him of heavenly pleasure, how misguided he was.
This is where paradise is, Madael whispered, pressing his lips against hers and running his fingers along the exposed curves of her body. The paradise I was never supposed to return to, but here it is
All the gloomy thoughts were really gone. The crushing pain was gone, dissolved into the bliss of earthly coitus. That pain had clutched him in a vise ever since hed fallen, and now it was gone. Perhaps when he awoke in Rianons arms it would resume, but at least not as much as when his bed was empty. In those days he could not sleep, sleep would not come to him, oblivion would not come, his scorched mind would rush like a fever. Perhaps that was the punishment, no one explained to him, but his mind was racing as if caged. The gloomy, empty world, devoid of any beauty, took on some color only when blood was spilled. He flew over the world and reveled in the suffering of others, only because he himself was suffering the most. Those were the ages of madness. The mind was imprisoned in fetters, like the body, and only freed with the body. Madael ran his hands over the perfect female body, too thin for a grown woman, yet it was girlish and delicate. She was as fragile as heavenly light, he thought, and could become just as sizzling if the need arose. Who knew better than he that the peaceful glow of dawn could explode in a sizzling flash at any moment. When he should have been punished, thats exactly what had happened. But now the punishment turned into bliss. The long, sweet kisses, the nights without sleep, not because he was going crazy with the crushing emptiness and inability to sleep, but because he was making love, and the desirable body beside him that felt like it was part of you-it was worth giving up heaven for all that. He pulled away from her lips with a quick grin, but the next moment he was back on them with a long kiss. Rhianons fingers tangled in his hair and slid pleasantly down the back of his neck. With her other hand she caressed his shoulders, sometimes touching his wings. His feet touched his hips, his knees his back. Now he really felt like a god.
Rhianon leaned back on the bed, letting him do things on his own. She liked it very much. She had never felt as good as she did right now. Only somehow it seemed to her that there were other things going on in the tent besides the rhythmic merging of their bodies. She could hear murmurs and soft voices, some rustling, whispering, rustling noises. And just for a moment she thought she saw something creepy in front of her. Heavens ploughed with the glitter of swords, like a battlefield, squabbling and shouting, bodies like the one in bed with her now, but there they were horribly disfigured. She covered her eyelids, and when she opened them, she thought that now he himself was unconsciously emitting some kind of witchcraft to make the tent brighter. She saw his handsome face before her, covered in a slight sweat, but unusually luminous. His glistening hair came down, covering them both in a golden veil. She wished Id never taken her lips from his.
She reached into the bed and fumbled for something delicate, slippery, slightly covered in moisture. Lilies, both water lilies and garden lilies, werent here yesterday, but now the flowers were scattered across the bed and the floor. They gave off a sweet smell, but not like his skin.