Teddy gave a small shrug. No.
Have you noticed any changes in your husbands behavior or mood recently? said Ren.
No, said Teddy.
Ooh: I dont believe you.
13
Teddy Veir shifted in her seat like a child at the principals office.
Teddy, did you monitor Calebs online activity? said Ren.
Yes, said Teddy.
And was he aware of the dangers of being online?
We talked about it, yes, said Teddy. Any time we brought it up, he made us feel stupid for thinking he would ever fall for any kind of weirdo who would try to meet up with him. Caleb knows that people arent necessarily who they say they are online.
Oh, how many times Ive seen that change when the right fake messages or the right fake photographs are sent.
Did you find something? said Teddy.
There were no interactions with anyone that we feel have a bearing on the case, said Ren. So, to go through a few more things... he was also looking at pornography.
Teddys face fell. Oh, God. Hes only a baby.
It certainly wasnt at worrying levels, and it was nothing extreme, said Ren. Like that will reassure you. But I have to ask if he had a girlfriend or if there were girls around at the house or if you got any sense that this was more than just... I cant say the word fantasy about a twelve-year-old boy.
He didnt have a girlfriend, said Teddy. He was kind of awkward around girls. He just wasnt advanced in that way. Not at all.
OK, said Ren. Have you noticed anything missing of Calebs? Any bag or clothing or something he was particularly fond of, something he didnt usually leave behind?
Apart from his phone? said Teddy. The only other thing which I dont think is very meaningful, especially because I havent seen it in a while, anyway is a suitcase. Well, its kind of a tin box an old military one that John got for him its green and battered, with a brown leather handle. Its about twice the size of a shoebox. He used to keep it on the floor under the window, but then he moved it into the wardrobe, put it on the shelf at the top. But I cant really imagine him bringing it anywhere...
Unless he was running away.
Do you know what he kept in it? said Ren.
No, said Teddy. His comic books, I figured. I dont know.
Can you remember the last time you looked in the wardrobe? said Ren.
No Caleb tidied away his own clothes.
So that suitcase could have been gone for some time, said Ren.
Yes, said Teddy.
Could he have fought with his father, packed this suitcase and left, unwittingly drawing attention to himself: some creep driving by sees a kid on his own, maybe running away, maybe crying, carrying a suitcase? Vulnerable.
Does Caleb keep a diary? said Ren.
No, said Teddy. He has no interest in anything like that. Hes like his father might read a sports story or two, but wont pick up a book, or write a word he isnt forced to.
If Caleb was in trouble, said Ren, who do you think he might call?
Well me, said Teddy.
And what about his Aunt Alice? said Ren.
Teddy frowned. You mean, would he call her if he had a problem? Gosh, I wouldnt think so. I mean, shes family, and shes always perfectly lovely to him, remembers his birthday, all those kind of things, but... She trailed off. Was he in trouble? Do you know something? Why are you asking about Alice?
Caleb called her on Monday morning at seven thirty a.m., said Ren. She was the last call he made on the morning he disappeared.
We see Alice two or three times a year, said Teddy. Calebs maybe been on the phone to say hello to her once or twice, but thats about it.
What? John seemed to think they spoke quite a bit.
Really? said Teddy. Well, not when I was around. And when I checked Calebs call list when I got home from work, I didnt see her name.
It had been deleted, said Ren.
Thats very strange, said Teddy.
Thats very strange, said Teddy.
If Caleb had an argument with his father, do you think he could have called his aunt for help? said Ren.
Caleb always called me when he had a fight with John.
Always. How many were there?
Did that happen often? said Ren.
That sounded worse than it was, said Teddy at the same time.
Ren and Ruddock talked Gary and Wiley through the discrepancies between Alice, John and Teddy about the phone call.
Why, said Wiley, would there be a difference in how two parents viewed their childs relationship with his aunt? It makes no sense.
Nah, said Gary. It makes total sense.
Ouch.
Have you got kids? said Gary.
Wiley shook his head. No.
Then, there you go says Garys face.
Alice Veir was very emotional about how much her brother cared for Caleb, said Ren. It sounded genuine. She paused. But what other reason would there be for Caleb to call her? Or maybe it was John who called her...
Looking to know his options because he had killed his son, said Gary.
Youd want a pretty tight relationship with a sibling or anyone, for that matter to be able to call them up and say I killed my child, what do I do next? said Ren.
Ruddock nodded.
Especially when shes a lawyer whos all about justice, said Ren.
And lets not forget, said Gary, this was only a ten-minute phone call.
This is a small thing, said Ren, but when I told Alice Veir that Caleb was missing, she didnt say But I was just speaking with him yesterday morning, which is the kind of thing someone would say under the circumstances, isnt it? Reflexively? Not a big deal, but still.
Do you think she might have already known that he was gone? said Ruddock.
I wasnt getting that sense either... said Ren. It was hard to say.
Everythings so fucking hard to say.
Garys phone beeped with a text. He read it. OK the other two CARD agents have just arrived at the hotel. Its been a long day. Ren and I will get checked in, have something to eat, get some rest.
Eat. Rest. Noooo!
Gary turned to Ruddock. We can give the others the lowdown over dinner.
I appreciate it, said Ruddock. Thank you for everything today.
14
Astors was a grim and grubby hotel on I-5, a ten-minute drive from Tate PD. Ren and Gary checked in, and were given rooms next door to each other.
Hmm.
Sylvie Ross better be miles away.
Ren, said Gary, as she was about to open her door. Keep your phone close by. Dr Lone will be calling you in ten.
Ren froze.
Take his call, said Gary. He went into his room and closed the door.
Nice, Gary. Nice.
Ren opened her door with a nudge of her shoulder and walked in. Her stomach tensed.
Indian Burial Ground.
She put her bag on the floor, undressed, and crawled on to the bed.
Fuck Gary if he thinks Im going to take that call. Fuck him. Thats the last time Ill open up to him if Im struggling. Asshole.
Rens cell phone rang, Lones name flashing on the screen.
Ugh. She picked up. Hi.
Hi, Ren, said Lone. Gary suggested I give you a call. I heard you had a difficult morning.
I did not have a difficult fucking morning. People were gathering for a search, and it was just... how the crowd was moving... it was closing in on me and I felt a little overwhelmed. Honestly it lasted for about two minutes. That was it. I appreciate the call, but Im fine.
I havent seen you in a couple of weeks, said Lone. Im glad were able to speak.
Yes, said Ren. But Im in Oregon to concentrate on work right now. It feels selfish to be focusing on me. I have a job to do. She sucked in a breath, and it didnt feel like enough.
It might help to talk, said Lone. It might be a good way to begin this case... to reduce your anxiety.
He doesnt think I should be doing this job.
Im sorry, said Ren. Im hundreds of miles away and having this conversation over the phone and...
Maybe thats what its going to take, said Lone.
I dont think so.
Are you still having intrusive thoughts about...
I want to scream.
events at Safe Streets? said Lone.
Yeah thanks for clarifying.
He waited.
Please just stop. Stop. Stop.
And are the thoughts still
Are you kidding me?
Im sorry... What can I fucking say?
You need to be able to talk about this, said Lone.
Ren let out a breath. OK, she said, lets talk briefly about this monumental horror that I can do absolutely nothing about, because it is in the past. So I cant go back, I cant go forward
All you can ever do is one day at a time.
Sweet Jesus, why does that always sound so depressing?
Small steps are all you can take at a time like this, said Lone.
What is wrong with him? Why is he talking in clichés? Have I become a cliché? Traumatized law enforcement officer...
Im just not a small steps kind of girl, said Ren. I feel that taking small steps would give me plenty of time to see that dark pit up ahead that is waiting to swallow me. I feel that taking small steps means prolonged dread, and this achingly slow passage of time.
I feel. I feel. I feel. FUCK feeling.
The future is not a dark pit
Well, the present is a pretty dark pit and a year ago when this would have been considered the future...
You cant live your life expecting doom, said Lone. We spoke before about catastrophic thinking.
FUCK catastrophic thinking and magical thinking and all adjectival thinking.
Well, if I had spent more time expecting doom, said Ren, maybe I could have been prepared. I could have prevented what happened.
Ren, you couldnt have prevented it.
Im sorry, but thats not true.
It is, said Dr Lone. He waited. Ren, you need to start thinking about facing the reality of what happened.
I dont like you any more. I need to, I should. Im sorry, Ren said. I really cant do this. I cant. Not today. Probably not any day.
Please, said Lone. Try to tell me what you are feeling.
Feelings. Jesus. Christ.
Im so tired.
Do you want to know? said Ren. Honestly? I believe that everything that happened that day was to punish me.
Lone waited.
Sometimes, said Ren, I feel like theres a darkness inside me a black part, like a piece of coal. Pitch-black. Its rough and hard, and... I feel that, because of that, I should be punished.
You think you deserved this, said Lone.
Yes, said Ren. No. I... dont know.
Talk to me about this darkness... said Lone.
No! I know I wont be able to explain it, said Ren. Its... obviously, I dont want to harm anyone; its not the darkness of evil. Yes, it is. Its not like I want to kill people. Really?
And you are taking your meds... said Lone.