You say that because I blushed, Alyosha said suddenly. I wasnt blushing at what you were saying or at what youve done. I blushed because I am the same as you are.
You? Come, thats going a little too far!
No, its not too far, said Alyosha warmly (obviously the idea was not a new one). The ladders the same. Im at the bottom step, and youre above, somewhere about the thirteenth. Thats how I see it. But its all the same. Absolutely the same in kind. Any one on the bottom step is bound to go up to the top one.
You say that because I blushed, Alyosha said suddenly. I wasnt blushing at what you were saying or at what youve done. I blushed because I am the same as you are.
You? Come, thats going a little too far!
No, its not too far, said Alyosha warmly (obviously the idea was not a new one). The ladders the same. Im at the bottom step, and youre above, somewhere about the thirteenth. Thats how I see it. But its all the same. Absolutely the same in kind. Any one on the bottom step is bound to go up to the top one.
Then one ought not to step on at all.
Any one who can help it had better not.
But can you?
I think not.
Hush, Alyosha, hush, darling! I could kiss your hand, you touch me so. That rogue Grushenka has an eye for men. She told me once that shed devour you one day. There, there, I wont! From this field of corruption fouled by flies, lets pass to my tragedy, also befouled by flies, that is by every sort of vileness. Although the old man told lies about my seducing innocence, there really was something of the sort in my tragedy, though it was only once, and then it did not come off. The old man who has reproached me with what never happened does not even know of this fact; I never told any one about it. Youre the first, except Ivan, of courseIvan knows everything. He knew about it long before you. But Ivans a tomb.
Ivans a tomb?
Yes.
Alyosha listened with great attention.
I was lieutenant in a line regiment, but still I was under supervision, like a kind of convict. Yet I was awfully well received in the little town. I spent money right and left. I was thought to be rich; I thought so myself. But I must have pleased them in other ways as well. Although they shook their heads over me, they liked me. My colonel, who was an old man, took a sudden dislike to me. He was always down upon me, but I had powerful friends, and, moreover, all the town was on my side, so he couldnt do me much harm. I was in fault myself for refusing to treat him with proper respect. I was proud. This obstinate old fellow, who was really a very good sort, kindhearted and hospitable, had had two wives, both dead. His first wife, who was of a humble family, left a daughter as unpretentious as herself. She was a young woman of four and twenty when I was there, and was living with her father and an aunt, her mothers sister. The aunt was simple and illiterate; the niece was simple but lively. I like to say nice things about people. I never knew a woman of more charming character than Agafyafancy, her name was Agafya Ivanovna! And she wasnt badlooking either, in the Russian style: tall, stout, with a full figure, and beautiful eyes, though a rather coarse face. She had not married, although she had had two suitors. She refused them, but was as cheerful as ever. I was intimate with her, not in that way, it was pure friendship. I have often been friendly with women quite innocently. I used to talk to her with shocking frankness, and she only laughed. Many women like such freedom, and she was a girl too, which made it very amusing. Another thing, one could never think of her as a young lady. She and her aunt lived in her fathers house with a sort of voluntary humility, not putting themselves on an equality with other people. She was a general favorite, and of use to every one, for she was a clever dressmaker. She had a talent for it. She gave her services freely without asking for payment, but if any one offered her payment, she didnt refuse. The colonel, of course, was a very different matter. He was one of the chief personages in the district. He kept open house, entertained the whole town, gave suppers and dances. At the time I arrived and joined the battalion, all the town was talking of the expected return of the colonels second daughter, a great beauty, who had just left a fashionable school in the capital. This second daughter is Katerina Ivanovna, and she was the child of the second wife, who belonged to a distinguished generals family; although, as I learnt on good authority, she too brought the colonel no money. She had connections, and that was all. There may have been expectations, but they had come to nothing.
Yet, when the young lady came from boardingschool on a visit, the whole town revived. Our most distinguished ladiestwo Excellencies and a colonels wifeand all the rest following their lead, at once took her up and gave entertainments in her honor. She was the belle of the balls and picnics, and they got up tableaux vivants in aid of distressed governesses. I took no notice, I went on as wildly as before, and one of my exploits at the time set all the town talking. I saw her eyes taking my measure one evening at the battery commanders, but I didnt go up to her, as though I disdained her acquaintance. I did go up and speak to her at an evening party not long after. She scarcely looked at me, and compressed her lips scornfully. Wait a bit. Ill have my revenge, thought I. I behaved like an awful fool on many occasions at that time, and I was conscious of it myself. What made it worse was that I felt that Katenka was not an innocent boardingschool miss, but a person of character, proud and really highprincipled; above all, she had education and intellect, and I had neither. You think I meant to make her an offer? No, I simply wanted to revenge myself, because I was such a hero and she didnt seem to feel it.
Meanwhile, I spent my time in drink and riot, till the lieutenantcolonel put me under arrest for three days. Just at that time father sent me six thousand roubles in return for my sending him a deed giving up all claims upon himsettling our accounts, so to speak, and saying that I wouldnt expect anything more. I didnt understand a word of it at the time. Until I came here, Alyosha, till the last few days, indeed, perhaps even now, I havent been able to make head or tail of my money affairs with father. But never mind that, well talk of it later.
Just as I received the money, I got a letter from a friend telling me something that interested me immensely. The authorities, I learnt, were dissatisfied with our lieutenantcolonel. He was suspected of irregularities; in fact, his enemies were preparing a surprise for him. And then the commander of the division arrived, and kicked up the devil of a shindy. Shortly afterwards he was ordered to retire. I wont tell you how it all happened. He had enemies certainly. Suddenly there was a marked coolness in the town towards him and all his family. His friends all turned their backs on him. Then I took my first step. I met Agafya Ivanovna, with whom Id always kept up a friendship, and said, Do you know theres a deficit of 4,500 roubles of government money in your fathers accounts?
What do you mean? What makes you say so? The general was here not long ago, and everything was all right.
Then it was, but now it isnt.
She was terribly scared.
Dont frighten me! she said. Who told you so?
Dont be uneasy, I said, I wont tell any one. You know Im as silent as the tomb. I only wanted, in view of possibilities, to add, that when they demand that 4,500 roubles from your father, and he cant produce it, hell be tried, and made to serve as a common soldier in his old age, unless you like to send me your young lady secretly. Ive just had money paid me. Ill give her four thousand, if you like, and keep the secret religiously.
Ah, you scoundrel!thats what she said. You wicked scoundrel! How dare you!
Ah, you scoundrel!thats what she said. You wicked scoundrel! How dare you!
She went away furiously indignant, while I shouted after her once more that the secret should be kept sacred. Those two simple creatures, Agafya and her aunt, I may as well say at once, behaved like perfect angels all through this business. They genuinely adored their Katya, thought her far above them, and waited on her, hand and foot. But Agafya told her of our conversation. I found that out afterwards. She didnt keep it back, and of course that was all I wanted.
Suddenly the new major arrived to take command of the battalion. The old lieutenantcolonel was taken ill at once, couldnt leave his room for two days, and didnt hand over the government money. Dr. Kravchenko declared that he really was ill. But I knew for a fact, and had known for a long time, that for the last four years the money had never been in his hands except when the Commander made his visits of inspection. He used to lend it to a trustworthy person, a merchant of our town called Trifonov, an old widower, with a big beard and goldrimmed spectacles. He used to go to the fair, do a profitable business with the money, and return the whole sum to the colonel, bringing with it a present from the fair, as well as interest on the loan. But this time (I heard all about it quite by chance from Trifonovs son and heir, a driveling youth and one of the most vicious in the world)this time, I say, Trifonov brought nothing back from the fair. The lieutenantcolonel flew to him. Ive never received any money from you, and couldnt possibly have received any. That was all the answer he got. So now our lieutenantcolonel is confined to the house, with a towel round his head, while theyre all three busy putting ice on it. All at once an orderly arrives on the scene with the book and the order to hand over the battalion money immediately, within two hours. He signed the book (I saw the signature in the book afterwards), stood up, saying he would put on his uniform, ran to his bedroom, loaded his doublebarreled gun with a service bullet, took the boot off his right foot, fixed the gun against his chest, and began feeling for the trigger with his foot. But Agafya, remembering what I had told her, had her suspicions. She stole up and peeped into the room just in time. She rushed in, flung herself upon him from behind, threw her arms round him, and the gun went off, hit the ceiling, but hurt no one. The others ran in, took away the gun, and held him by the arms. I heard all about this afterwards. I was at home, it was getting dusk, and I was just preparing to go out. I had dressed, brushed my hair, scented my handkerchief, and taken up my cap, when suddenly the door opened, and facing me in the room stood Katerina Ivanovna.
Its strange how things happen sometimes. No one had seen her in the street, so that no one knew of it in the town. I lodged with two decrepit old ladies, who looked after me. They were most obliging old things, ready to do anything for me, and at my request were as silent afterwards as two castiron posts. Of course I grasped the position at once. She walked in and looked straight at me, her dark eyes determined, even defiant, but on her lips and round her mouth I saw uncertainty.