Why bring in the question of worth? The matter is most often decided in mens hearts on other grounds much more natural. And as for rightswho has not the right to wish?
Not for another mans death?
What even if for another mans death? Why lie to oneself since all men live so and perhaps cannot help living so. Are you referring to what I said just nowthat one reptile will devour the other? In that case let me ask you, do you think me like Dmitri capable of shedding Æsops blood, murdering him, eh?
What are you saying, Ivan? Such an idea never crossed my mind. I dont think Dmitri is capable of it, either.
Thanks, if only for that, smiled Ivan. Be sure, I should always defend him. But in my wishes I reserve myself full latitude in this case. Goodby till tomorrow. Dont condemn me, and dont look on me as a villain, he added with a smile.
They shook hands warmly as they had never done before. Alyosha felt that his brother had taken the first step towards him, and that he had certainly done this with some definite motive.
Chapter X.
Both Together
Alyosha left his fathers house feeling even more exhausted and dejected in spirit than when he had entered it. His mind too seemed shattered and unhinged, while he felt that he was afraid to put together the disjointed fragments and form a general idea from all the agonizing and conflicting experiences of the day. He felt something bordering upon despair, which he had never known till then. Towering like a mountain above all the rest stood the fatal, insoluble question: How would things end between his father and his brother Dmitri with this terrible woman? Now he had himself been a witness of it, he had been present and seen them face to face. Yet only his brother Dmitri could be made unhappy, terribly, completely unhappy: there was trouble awaiting him. It appeared too that there were other people concerned, far more so than Alyosha could have supposed before. There was something positively mysterious in it, too. Ivan had made a step towards him, which was what Alyosha had been long desiring. Yet now he felt for some reason that he was frightened at it. And these women? Strange to say, that morning he had set out for Katerina Ivanovnas in the greatest embarrassment; now he felt nothing of the kind. On the contrary, he was hastening there as though expecting to find guidance from her. Yet to give her this message was obviously more difficult than before. The matter of the three thousand was decided irrevocably, and Dmitri, feeling himself dishonored and losing his last hope, might sink to any depth. He had, moreover, told him to describe to Katerina Ivanovna the scene which had just taken place with his father.
It was by now seven oclock, and it was getting dark as Alyosha entered the very spacious and convenient house in the High Street occupied by Katerina Ivanovna. Alyosha knew that she lived with two aunts. One of them, a woman of little education, was that aunt of her halfsister Agafya Ivanovna who had looked after her in her fathers house when she came from boardingschool. The other aunt was a Moscow lady of style and consequence, though in straitened circumstances. It was said that they both gave way in everything to Katerina Ivanovna, and that she only kept them with her as chaperons. Katerina Ivanovna herself gave way to no one but her benefactress, the generals widow, who had been kept by illness in Moscow, and to whom she was obliged to write twice a week a full account of all her doings.
When Alyosha entered the hall and asked the maid who opened the door to him to take his name up, it was evident that they were already aware of his arrival. Possibly he had been noticed from the window. At least, Alyosha heard a noise, caught the sound of flying footsteps and rustling skirts. Two or three women, perhaps, had run out of the room.
Alyosha thought it strange that his arrival should cause such excitement. He was conducted however to the drawingroom at once. It was a large room, elegantly and amply furnished, not at all in provincial style. There were many sofas, lounges, settees, big and little tables. There were pictures on the walls, vases and lamps on the tables, masses of flowers, and even an aquarium in the window. It was twilight and rather dark. Alyosha made out a silk mantle thrown down on the sofa, where people had evidently just been sitting; and on a table in front of the sofa were two unfinished cups of chocolate, cakes, a glass saucer with blue raisins, and another with sweetmeats. Alyosha saw that he had interrupted visitors, and frowned. But at that instant the portière was raised, and with rapid, hurrying footsteps Katerina Ivanovna came in, holding out both hands to Alyosha with a radiant smile of delight. At the same instant a servant brought in two lighted candles and set them on the table.
Thank God! At last you have come too! Ive been simply praying for you all day! Sit down.
Alyosha had been struck by Katerina Ivanovnas beauty when, three weeks before, Dmitri had first brought him, at Katerina Ivanovnas special request, to be introduced to her. There had been no conversation between them at that interview, however. Supposing Alyosha to be very shy, Katerina Ivanovna had talked all the time to Dmitri to spare him. Alyosha had been silent, but he had seen a great deal very clearly. He was struck by the imperiousness, proud ease, and selfconfidence of the haughty girl. And all that was certain, Alyosha felt that he was not exaggerating it. He thought her great glowing black eyes were very fine, especially with her pale, even rather sallow, longish face. But in those eyes and in the lines of her exquisite lips there was something with which his brother might well be passionately in love, but which perhaps could not be loved for long. He expressed this thought almost plainly to Dmitri when, after the visit, his brother besought and insisted that he should not conceal his impressions on seeing his betrothed.
Youll be happy with her, but perhapsnot tranquilly happy.
Quite so, brother. Such people remain always the same. They dont yield to fate. So you think I shant love her for ever.
No; perhaps you will love her for ever. But perhaps you wont always be happy with her.
Alyosha had given his opinion at the time, blushing, and angry with himself for having yielded to his brothers entreaties and put such foolish ideas into words. For his opinion had struck him as awfully foolish immediately after he had uttered it. He felt ashamed too of having given so confident an opinion about a woman. It was with the more amazement that he felt now, at the first glance at Katerina Ivanovna as she ran in to him, that he had perhaps been utterly mistaken. This time her face was beaming with spontaneous goodnatured kindliness, and direct warmhearted sincerity. The pride and haughtiness, which had struck Alyosha so much before, was only betrayed now in a frank, generous energy and a sort of bright, strong faith in herself. Alyosha realized at the first glance, at the first word, that all the tragedy of her position in relation to the man she loved so dearly was no secret to her; that she perhaps already knew everything, positively everything. And yet, in spite of that, there was such brightness in her face, such faith in the future. Alyosha felt at once that he had gravely wronged her in his thoughts. He was conquered and captivated immediately. Besides all this, he noticed at her first words that she was in great excitement, an excitement perhaps quite exceptional and almost approaching ecstasy.
I was so eager to see you, because I can learn from you the whole truthfrom you and no one else.
I have come, muttered Alyosha confusedly, Ihe sent me.
Ah, he sent you! I foresaw that. Now I know everythingeverything! cried Katerina Ivanovna, her eyes flashing. Wait a moment, Alexey Fyodorovitch, Ill tell you why Ive been so longing to see you. You see, I know perhaps far more than you do yourself, and theres no need for you to tell me anything. Ill tell you what I want from you. I want to know your own last impression of him. I want you to tell me most directly, plainly, coarsely even (oh, as coarsely as you like!), what you thought of him just now and of his position after your meeting with him today. That will perhaps be better than if I had a personal explanation with him, as he does not want to come to me. Do you understand what I want from you? Now, tell me simply, tell me every word of the message he sent you with (I knew he would send you).
He told me to give you his complimentsand to say that he would never come againbut to give you his compliments.
His compliments? Was that what he saidhis own expression?
Yes.
Accidentally perhaps he made a mistake in the word, perhaps he did not use the right word?
No; he told me precisely to repeat that word. He begged me two or three times not to forget to say so.
Katerina Ivanovna flushed hotly.
Help me now, Alexey Fyodorovitch. Now I really need your help. Ill tell you what I think, and you must simply say whether its right or not. Listen! If he had sent me his compliments in passing, without insisting on your repeating the words, without emphasizing them, that would be the end of everything! But if he particularly insisted on those words, if he particularly told you not to forget to repeat them to me, then perhaps he was in excitement, beside himself. He had made his decision and was frightened at it. He wasnt walking away from me with a resolute step, but leaping headlong. The emphasis on that phrase may have been simply bravado.
Yes, yes! cried Alyosha warmly. I believe that is it.
And, if so, hes not altogether lost. I can still save him. Stay! Did he not tell you anything about moneyabout three thousand roubles?
He did speak about it, and its that more than anything thats crushing him. He said he had lost his honor and that nothing matters now, Alyosha answered warmly, feeling a rush of hope in his heart and believing that there really might be a way of escape and salvation for his brother. But do you know about the money? he added, and suddenly broke off.
Ive known of it a long time; I telegraphed to Moscow to inquire, and heard long ago that the money had not arrived. He hadnt sent the money, but I said nothing. Last week I learnt that he was still in need of money. My only object in all this was that he should know to whom to turn, and who was his true friend. No, he wont recognize that I am his truest friend; he wont know me, and looks on me merely as a woman. Ive been tormented all the week, trying to think how to prevent him from being ashamed to face me because he spent that three thousand. Let him feel ashamed of himself, let him be ashamed of other peoples knowing, but not of my knowing. He can tell God everything without shame. Why is it he still does not understand how much I am ready to bear for his sake? Why, why doesnt he know me? How dare he not know me after all that has happened? I want to save him for ever. Let him forget me as his betrothed. And here he fears that he is dishonored in my eyes. Why, he wasnt afraid to be open with you, Alexey Fyodorovitch. How is it that I dont deserve the same?