Oh, how inhumanly cruel it is! she began again. And not a line, not a line! He might at least have written that he does not want me, that he rejects me but not a line for three days! How easy it is for him to wound, to insult a poor, defenceless girl, whose only fault is that she loves him! Oh, what Ive suered during these three days! Oh, dear! When I think that I was the rst to go to him, that I humbled myself before him, cried, that I begged of him a little love! and after that! Listen, she said, turning to me, and her black eyes ashed, it isnt so! It cant be so; it isnt natural. Either you are mistaken or I; perhaps he has not received the letter? Perhaps he still knows nothing about it? How could any one judge for yourself, tell me, for goodness sake explain it to me, I cant understand it how could any one behave with such barbarous coarseness as he has behaved to me? Not one word! Why, the lowest creature on earth is treated more compassionately. Perhaps he has heard something, perhaps some one has told him something about me, she cried, turning to me inquiringly: What do you think?
Listen, Nastenka, I shall go to him to-morrow in your name.
Yes?
I will question him about everything; I will tell him everything.
Yes, yes?
You write a letter. Dont say no, Nastenka, dont say no! I will make him respect your action, he will hear all about it, and if
No, my friend, no, she interrupted, Enough! Not another word, not another line from me enough! I dont know him; I dont love him any more. I will forget him.
She could not go on.
Calm yourself, calm yourself! Sit here, Nastenka, I said, making her sit down on the seat.
I am calm. Dont trouble. Its nothing! Its only tears, they will soon dry. Why, do you imagine I shall do away with myself, that I shall throw myself into the river?
My heart was full: I tried to speak, but I could not.
Listen, she said taking my hand. Tell me: you wouldnt have behaved like this, would you? You would not have abandoned a girl who had come to you of herself, you would not have thrown into her face a shameless taunt at her weak foolish heart? You would have taken care of her? You would have realized that she was alone, that she did not know how to look after herself, that she could not guard herself from loving you, that it was not her fault, not her fault that she had done nothing Oh dear, oh dear!
Nastenka! I cried at last, unable to control my emotion. Nastenka, you torture me! You wound my heart, you are killing me, Nastenka! I cannot be silent! I must speak at last, give utterance to what is surging in my heart!
As I said this I got up from the seat. She took my hand and looked at me in surprise.
What is the matter with you? she said at last. Listen, I said resolutely. Listen to me, Nastenka! What I am going to say to you now is all nonsense, all impossible, all stupid! I know that this can never be, but I cannot be silent. For the sake of what you are suering now, I beg you beforehand to forgive me!
What is it? What is it? she said drying her eyes and looking at me intently, while a strange curiosity gleamed in her astonished eyes. What is the matter?
Its impossible, but I love you, Nastenka! There it is! Now everything is told, I said with a wave of my hand. Now you will see whether you can go on talking to me as you did just now, whether you can listen to what I am going to say to you.
Well, what then? Nastenka interrupted me. What of it? I knew you loved me long ago, only I always thought that you simply liked me very much Oh dear, oh dear!
At rst it was simply liking, Nastenka, but now, now! I am just in the same position as you were when you went to him with your bundle. In a worse position than you, Nastenka, because he cared for no one else as you do.
What are you saying to me! I dont understand you in the least. But tell me, whats this for; I dont mean what for, but why are you so suddenly Oh dear, I am talking nonsense! But you
And Nastenka broke off in confusion. Her cheeks amed; she dropped her eyes.
Whats to be done, Nastenka, what am I to do? I am to blame. I have abused your But no, no, I am not to blame, Nastenka; I feel that, I know that, because my heart tells me I am right, for I cannot hurt you in any way, I cannot wound you! I was your friend, but I am still your friend, I have betrayed no trust. Here my tears are falling, Nastenka. Let them ow, let them ow they dont hurt anybody. They will dry, Nastenka.
And Nastenka broke off in confusion. Her cheeks amed; she dropped her eyes.
Whats to be done, Nastenka, what am I to do? I am to blame. I have abused your But no, no, I am not to blame, Nastenka; I feel that, I know that, because my heart tells me I am right, for I cannot hurt you in any way, I cannot wound you! I was your friend, but I am still your friend, I have betrayed no trust. Here my tears are falling, Nastenka. Let them ow, let them ow they dont hurt anybody. They will dry, Nastenka.
Sit down, sit down, she said, making me sit down on the seat. Oh, my God!
No, Nastenka, I wont sit down; I cannot stay here any longer, you cannot see me again; I will tell you everything and go away. I only want to say that you would never have found out that I loved you. I should have kept my secret. I would not have worried you at such a moment with my egoism. No! But I could not resist it now; you spoke of it yourself, it is your fault, your fault and not mine. You cannot drive me away from you
No, no, I dont drive you away, no! said Nastenka, concealing her confusion as best she could, poor child.
You dont drive me away? No! But I meant to run from you myself. I will go away, but rst I will tell you all, for when you were crying here I could not sit unmoved, when you wept, when you were in torture at being at being I will speak of it, Nastenka at being forsaken, at your love being repulsed, I felt that in my heart there was so much love for you, Nastenka, so much love! And it seemed so bitter that I could not help you with my love, that my heart was breaking and I I could not be silent, I had to speak, Nastenka, I had to speak!
Yes, yes! tell me, talk to me, said Nastenka with an indescribable gesture. Perhaps you think it strange that I talk to you like this, but speak! I will tell you afterwards! I will tell you everything.
You are sorry for me, Nastenka, you are simply sorry for me, my dear little friend! Whats done cant be mended. What is said cannot be taken back. Isnt that so? Well, now you know. Thats the starting-point. Very well. Now its all right, only listen. When you were sitting crying I thought to myself (oh, let me tell you what I was thinking!), I thought, that (of course it cannot be, Nastenka), I thought that you I thought that you somehow quite apart from me, had ceased to love him. Then I thought that yesterday and the day before yesterday, Nastenka then I would I certainly would have succeeded in making you love me; you know, you said yourself, Nastenka, that you almost loved me. Well, what next? Well, thats nearly all I wanted to tell you; all that is left to say is how it would be if you loved me, only that, nothing more! Listen, my friend for any way you are my friend I am, of course, a poor, humble man, of no great consequence; but thats not the point (I dont seem to be able to say what I mean, Nastenka, I am so confused), only I would love you, I would love you so, that even if you still loved him, even if you went on loving the man I dont know, you would never feel that my love was a burden to you. You would only feel every minute that at your side was beating a grateful heart, a warm heart ready for your sake Oh Nastenka, Nastenka! What have you done to me?
Dont cry; I dont want you to cry, said Nastenka, getting up quickly from the seat. Come along, get up, come with me, dont cry, dont cry, she said, drying her tears with her handkerchief; let us go now; maybe I will tell you something If he has forsaken me now, if he has forgotten me, though I still love him (I do not want to deceive you) but listen, answer me. If I were to love you, for instance, that is, if I only Oh my friend, my friend! To think, to think how I wounded you, when I laughed at your love, when I praised you for not falling in love with me. Oh dear! How was it I did not foresee this, how was it I did not foresee this, how could I have been so stupid? But Well, I have made up my mind, I will tell you.
Look here, Nastenka, do you know what? Ill go away, thats what Ill do. I am simply tormenting you. Here you are remorseful for having laughed at me, and I wont have you in addition to your sorrow Of course it is my fault, Nastenka, but good-bye!
Stay, listen to me: can you wait?
What for? How?
I love him; but I shall get over it, I must get over it, I cannot fail to get over it; I am getting over it, I feel that Who knows? Perhaps it will all end to-day, for I hate him, for he has been laughing at me, while you have been weeping here with me, for you have not repulsed me as he has, for you love me while he has never loved me, for in fact, I love you myself Yes, I love you! I love you as you love me; I have told you so before, you heard it yourself I love you because you are better than he is, because you are nobler than he is, because, because he
The poor girls emotion was so violent that she could not say more; she laid her head upon my shoulder, then upon my bosom, and wept bitterly. I comforted her, I persuaded her, but she could not stop crying; she kept pressing my hand, and saying between her sobs: Wait, wait, it will be over in a minute! I want to tell you you mustnt think that these tears its nothing, its weakness, wait till its over. At last she left o crying, dried her eyes and we walked on again. I wanted to speak, but she still begged me to wait. We were silent At last she plucked up courage and began to speak.
Its like this, she began in a weak and quivering voice, in which, however, there was a note that pierced my heart with a sweet pang; dont think that I am so light and inconstant, dont think that I can forget and change so quickly. I have loved him for a whole year, and I swear by God that I have never, never, even in thought, been unfaithful to him He has despised me, he has been laughing at me God forgive him! But he has insulted me and wounded my heart. I I do not love him, for I can only love what is magnanimous, what understands me, what is generous; for I am like that myself and he is not worthy of me well, thats enough of him. He has done better than if he had deceived my expectations later, and shown me later what he was Well, its over! But who knows, my dear friend, she went on pressing my hand, who knows, perhaps my whole love was a mistaken feeling, a delusion perhaps it began in mischief, in nonsense, because I was kept so strictly by grandmother? Perhaps I ought to love another man, not him, a dierent one, who would have pity on me and and But dont let us say any more about that, Nastenka broke o, breathless with emotion, I only wanted to tell you I wanted to tell you that if, although I love him (no, did love him), if, in spite of this you still say If you feel that your love is so great that it may at last drive from my heart my old feeling if you will have pity on me if you do not want to leave me alone to my fate, without hope, without consolation if you are ready to love me always as you do now I swear to you that gratitude that my love will be at last worthy of your love Will you take my hand?