Her wee mate hurled his roll-up. It burst against Dugdales chest in a little hiss of sparks. LET HER GO, YOU DIRTY PAEDO!
Come on, Dugdale... Ainsley. You dont want to hurt a kid, right? Hands out, open, nice and safe. Youre not that kind of guy, are you?
PAEDO! PAEDO! PAEDO!
Callum hissed the words out the side of his mouth. You are not helping.
Dugdale stuck out his other hand. Money!
Come on, Ainsley, let the girl go and
GIVE US YOUR MONEY! He gave the girl a shake, sending her legs swinging wildly as her face turned a darker shade of puce. NOW!
OK, OK. Just let her breathe. Callum dug out his battered old wallet. The one with the threadbare lining sticking out. He took the last tenner and crumpled fiver from inside. Here. He placed the cash on the floor.
Is that it? Dugdale glowered at the two sorry notes. ALL OF IT, OR I SNAP HER NECK IN HALF!
Baboon Boys chant died. Paedo...?
The kicks were getting weaker: those Nike trainers barely moving.
Her wee friend snivelled. Wiped his top lip on the back of his sleeve. Please, mister. Dont hurt my sister...
Thats all the money Ive got, OK? Now let the girl go.
Dugdale growled, then chucked the little girl at Callum.
He ducked for the fifteen quid as Callum dropped the tatty wallet and caught her wee body before it hit the pavement. And thats when everything slowed down.
The tatty wallet bounced off the paving slabs, spinning away, its torn lining waving like a flag.
Aaaggggh... She hauled in a huge whoop of air, both hands wrapped around her throat as if Dugdale hadnt done a good enough job throttling her and she was having a go herself.
But Dugdale didnt snatch up the money, he kept on going, smashing into Callum and the wee girl, sending them slamming back into the Volkswagen. Rocking it on its springs.
A fist connected with Callums ribs. Arms and legs tangled. Flashes of sky, then concrete, then rusty metal, then sky again.
Then bang everything was at full speed again.
Callum yanked the pepper spray from his jacket pocket. The little girl wriggled her way out from between them, trainers digging into his thigh as she went. Callum flipped the cap off the spray and thumbed the button, sending a squirt of burning pepper stink out at Dugdales face.
Missed.
Dugdale didnt. He rammed his hand into Callums crotch, grabbed hold, and squeezed.
Oh God...
But when Callum opened his mouth to scream, all that came out was a strangled wheeze eyes wide as every single ache and pain in his body disappeared, replaced by the thermonuclear explosion going off in his scrotum. It raced out through his stomach, down his legs, up into his chest a shockwave ripping out from ground zero as Dugdale twisted his handful like a rusty doorknob.
Oh sodding Jesus...
Dugdale let go, but the nuclear war still raged.
No...
Water filled Callums eyes, making the word go all soft focus, but the pain remained pin-sharp. He lashed out with the pepper spray, swinging it in an arc with the button held down.
Someone bellowed in pain.
Then scuffing feet.
Argh...
The clatter of a very large man tripping over a fallen bicycle.
A dull thunk, like a watermelon bouncing off a coffee table.
Oh that hurt...
BLOODY PAEDO! Some more thunks.
Come on, leave him!
Thunk, thunk, thunk. BLOODY BALDY PAEDO WANKER!
Ow...
Willow, come on! Before he gets up!
The sound of someone spitting.
Grab the cash, Benny. No, you spaz, get the wallet too!
Then trainers on concrete, the rattle of bicycles being dragged upright, and the growl of tyres fading away into the distance.
One last cry of, PIGGY, PIGGY, PIGGY!
The sound of that big black Mercedes pulling away now the floor-show was over.
And silence.
Callum cursed and panted and wobbled his way up to his knees, one hand clutching his tattered groin.
Sodding... for... ooogh...
Deep breaths.
Nope. Not helping.
He scrubbed a hand across his watery eyes.
Dugdale lay on his front, one hand behind his back the other limp in the gutter. His face looked as if someone had driven over it with a ride-on lawnmower.
Callum dragged himself over and slapped on the cuffs. Youre nicked.
Ow...
Little monsters... Never mind saying thank you no, that was too much to hope for these days, hed only saved her life, not as if it was that big a deal but did they have to take his sodding wallet?
Dugdale twitched and groaned, eyes still closed, the blood crusting on his battered nose. A swathe of red crossed his face, following the pepper sprays less than delicate path, swollen and angry looking. Like the lump on his head. It was going to be impressive when it finished growing about the size and colour of a small aubergine. Probably have himself a gargantuan headache when he finally woke up. Maybe concussion too.
Good. Served him right.
Callum pulled out his mobile, staying where he was standing, hunched over almost double, one hand on his knee, holding him upright as he dialled.
Three rings and then a womans voice came on the line, sounding small and concerned. Hello?
Elaine, its me.
Callum? Are you OK? You dont sound OK. Is everything OK?
He gritted his teeth as an aftershock rippled its way through his groin. No. Can you phone the bank? I need you to cancel my debit and credit card. Someones snatched them.
A sigh. Oh, Callum, not your dads wallet...
Dont start, please. Itll be bad enough when McAdams gets here, dont need you kicking the party off early.
Silence.
Yeah, way to go, Callum. Smooth. Nice and understanding.
He took a deep breath. Sorry, its... Im not having the greatest of days.
Im not your enemy, Callum. I know its been difficult for you.
Understatement of the year. All I get is snide comments, nasty little digs, and crap. Its been three solid weeks of
Its for the best though, remember? For Peanuts sake?
Peanut.
He closed his eyes. Tried to make it sound as if he meant it: Yeah.
We need the money, Callum. We need the maternity pay to
Yeah. Right. I know. Its just... He wiped a hand over his face. Never mind. Itll be fine.
And we really appreciate it, me and Peanut. A pause. Speaking of Peanut, you know what hed totally love? Nutella. And some pickled dill cucumbers. Not gherkins: the cucumbers, from the Polish deli on Castle Hill? Oh, and some onion rolls too.
They stole my wallet, Elaine. I
I didnt ask to get pregnant, Callum. A strangled noise came down the phone, like a cross between a grunt and a sigh. Sorry. I dont... There are times when I need a bit of support coping with all this.
Support? Seriously?
How am I not supporting you? I put my hand up, didnt I? I took the blame, even though it was nothing to do with
I know, I know. Im sorry. Its... Another sigh. Dont worry about the Nutella and stuff, its only cravings. Ill make do with whatevers knocking about here.
He limped over to the garden wall and lowered himself onto it with a wince. Took yet another deep breath. Scrunched a hand over his eyes. Im sorry, Elaine. Its not you, its... Like I said, Im having a terrible day.
Itll get better, I promise. I love you, OK?
Yeah, I know it will. It had to, because it couldnt possibly get any worse.
Do you love me and Peanut too?
Course I do.
A shiny red Mitsubishi Shogun pulled into the kerb, the huge four-by-fours window buzzing down as Callum levered himself up to his feet. His crumpled suit and crumpled body reflected back at him in the glittering showroom paintwork.
Got to go. He hung up and slipped the phone back in his pocket.
Constable Useless. A thin, lined face frowned through the open car window, its greying Vandyke framed by disappointed jowls. The chin-warmer was little more than stubble, matching the patchy salt-and-pepper hair on that jellybean of a head. Do these old eyes deceive me? Did you catch Dugdale?
Callum wobbled up to his feet, one hand on his ruptured testicles, the other holding onto the Shogun for support. Oh: ha, ha. Another wave of burning glass washed through him, leaving him grimacing. Hes been unconscious for a couple of minutes. You want to take him straight to the hospital, or risk the Duty Doctor?
Please say hospital, please say hospital. At least there a nice nurse might have an icepack and a few kind words for his mangled groin.
DS McAdams raised an eyebrow. I am shocked, Callum. Didnt he have enough cash? No nice bribe for you?
Sod off, Sarge. He let go of his crotch for a moment, pointing off down the hill. Winced. Then cupped his aching balls again. Pair of kids got my wallet. We need to get after them.
If I had to guess. The reason youre hunched in pain. You have met The Claw! He held up one hand, the fingers curled into a cruel hook, then squashed an invisible scrotum. Dugdales claw attacks. Crush and squish, the pain is great. Bringing hard men low.
Callum stared at him. They got my wallet!
The frown became a grin. A well-turned haiku. It is a beautiful thing. You ignorant spud. He actually counted the syllables out on his fingers as he spoke.
Callum stared at him. They got my wallet!
The frown became a grin. A well-turned haiku. It is a beautiful thing. You ignorant spud. He actually counted the syllables out on his fingers as he spoke.
For your information, Sarge, Ive never taken a bribe in my life. OK? Not a single sodding penny. No perks, no wee gifts, nothing. So you can all go screw yourselves. He limped over to the back door and swung it open. Now are you going to help me get Dugdale in the car or not?
Thats the trouble with your generation: no poetry in your souls. No education, no class, and no moral fibre.
Thanks for nothing. He bent down. Winced. Clenched his jaw. Then hauled Dugdales huge and heavy backside across the pavement and up onto the back seat.
He better not bleed. On my new upholstery. I just had it cleaned.
Tough. Some wrestling, a bit of forcing, a shove, and Dugdale was more or less in the recovery position. Well, except for his hands being cuffed behind his back. But at least now he probably wouldnt choke on his own tongue. Or vomit.
Mind you, if he spewed his breakfast all over Detective Sergeant McAdams shiny new four-by-four, at least that would be something. Assuming McAdams didnt make Callum clean it up. Which he would.
Git.
Callum clunked the door shut, hobbled around to the passenger side and lowered himself into the seat. Crumpled forward until his forehead rested against the dashboard. Ow...