He looked glum. Tell you the truth, Kate, Im in the shit, he said.
Want to tell me about it?
Remember that nice little earner I told you about awhile back? My crime prevention scheme?
How could I forget? Denniss latest scam involved parting villains from large wads of money by persuading them they were buying a truckload of stolen merchandise from him. Dennis would show them a sample of the goods (bought or shoplifted from one of the dozens of wholesalers down at Strangeways) and arrange a handover the following day in a motorway service area. Only, once the punters had swapped their stash for the keys to the alleged wagonload and Denniss car was a distant puff of exhaust, the crooks would discover that the keys hed handed them didnt open a single truck on the lorry park. Crime prevention? Well, if Dennis was taking their money off them, they wouldnt be inciting anyone else to steal something for them to buy, now would they?
Somebody catch up with you? I gasped between sit-ups.
Worse than that, he said gloomily. I set up a meet at An-derton Services on the Sixty-one. Ten grand for a wagon of Levis. Everythings going sweet as a Sunday morning shag when it all comes on top. All of a sudden, theres more fuzz than you get on crowd control at a United-City match. I legged it over the footbridge and dived into the ladies toilet. Sat there for two hours. I went back over just in time to see the cops loading my Audi on to a tow truck. I couldnt fucking believe it, could I? Dennis grunted as he did a handful of squat thrusts.
Somebody tip them off about you? I asked, fastening a body protector over my front.
You kidding me? This wasnt regular Old Bill, this was the Drugs Squad. Theyd only been staking the place out because theyd had a tip a big crack deal was going down. They see somebody handing over a wad of cash, and they jump to the wrong conclusion.
So whats happening? I asked, pulling the ropes apart and climbing into the ring.
Dennis followed me and we began to circle each other cautiously. They lifted my punter and accused him of being a drug baron. He snorted. That dick couldnt deal a hand of poker, never mind a key of crack. Anyway, hes so desperate to get out of the shit hes drowning in that he coughs the lot. Next morning, theyre round my house mob-handed. The wife was mortified.
They charging you? I asked, swinging a swift kick in toward Denniss knee.
He sidestepped and twisted round, catching me over the right hip. Got to, havent they? Otherwise, they come away from their big stakeout empty-handed. Theft, and obtaining by deception.
I didnt say anything. I didnt need to. Dennis might have been clean as far as the law is concerned for half a dozen years now, but with his record, he was looking at doing time. I feinted left and pivoted on the ball of my foot to bring my right leg up in a fast arc that caught Dennis in the ribs.
Nice one, Kate, he wheezed as he bounced back off the ropes.
Bit of luck, your punters might decide it would be bad for their reputations if they weigh in as witnesses when it comes to court. It wasnt much consolation but it was all I could think of.
Never mind their reputation, it wouldnt be too good for their health, he said darkly. Anyway, Ive got one or two things on the boil. Just a bit of insurance just in case I do go down. Make sure Debbie and the kids dont go without if Im away.
I didnt ask what kind of insurance. I know better. We worked out in silence for a while. I was upset at the thought of only seeing Dennis with a visiting order for the next couple of years, but there was nothing I could do to help him out, and he knew that as well as I did. Even though we have more attitudes in common than seems likely on the surface, there are areas of each others lives we take care to avoid. Mostly, theyre to do with knowledge that either of us would feel uncomfortable about keeping to ourselves. I dont tell him when Im about to drop people in it that he knows, and he doesnt tell me about things Id feel impelled to pass on to the cops.
After fifteen minutes of dodging each other round the ring, we were both sweating. I lost concentration for a moment, which was all it took. Next thing I knew, I was on my back staring at the strip lights.
Sloppy, Dennis remarked.
I scrambled up to find him leaning on the ropes. I could have knocked the wind out of him with one kick. Or maybe not. Ive come into contact with that rock-hard diaphragm before. Got a lot on my mind, I said.
Anything I can help with? he asked. Typical Dennis. Didnt matter how much crap of his own he had to sort out, he was still determined to stay in the buddy role.
Maybe, I said, slipping between the ropes and heading for the neat stack of scruffy towels on a shelf.
Dennis followed me, and we sat companionably on a bench while we talked. I gave him a brief outline of the Kerrchem case. You know anybody whos doing schneid cleaning fluid? I ended up.
He shook his head. I dont know anybody that stupid, he said scornfully. Theres not nearly enough margin in it, is there? And its bulky. Costs you a lot to shift it round, and you cant exactly set up a street-corner pitch with it, can you? There was a team from Liverpool tried schneid washing powder a couple of years back. Theyd done a raid on a chemical firm, nicked one of their vans to do the getaway. There were a couple of drums of chemicals in the back, and they decided not to waste it, so they printed up some boxes and flogged it on the markets. Nasty stuff. Took the skin off your fingers if you tried handwashing. Mind you, there werent any of them difficult stains left. Thats because there wasnt a lot of clothes left.
So you dont reckon its any of the usual faces?
Dennis shook his head. Like I said, youd have to be stupid to go for that when theres plenty of hooky gear around with bigger profits and a lot less risk. I reckon youre looking closer to home on this one. This is a grudge match.
An ex-employee? A competitor? Even though its a long way removed from his world, its always worth bouncing ideas off Dennis.
Dennis shrugged. Youre the corporate expert. Is this the kind of stunt big business pulls these days? Id heard things were getting a bit tough out there, but bumping people off is a bit heavy for a takeover bid.
So an ex-employee, you reckon?
Thats where Id put my money. Stands to reason, theyre the ones with a real grudge, and theres no comeback. And what about them thingamabobs what do they call it? When they give you the bullet and make you sign a bit of paper saying you cant go off and sell all their secrets to the opposition?
Golden handcuffs, I said ruefully. I was slipping. That should have been one of the first half-dozen questions I asked Trevor Kerr.
Yeah well, nobody likes being stuck in a pair of handcuffs, dont matter whether theyre gold or steel, Dennis said with feeling. It was me, Id feel pretty cheesed. Specially if I was one of them boffins whose expertise goes out of date faster than a Marks and Spencer ready meal.
I stretched an arm round his muscular shoulders and hugged him. Youre a pal, Dennis.
I havent done anything, he said. That it? You consulted the oracle?
Thats it. Unless you know an international gang of art thieves.
Art thieves? he asked, sounding interested.
Theyre been working all over the country, turning over stately homes. They go for one item and crash in through the nearest door or window. No finesse, just sledgehammers. Straight in and out. Obviously very professional. Sound like anybody you know?
Dennis pulled a face. Im well out of touch with that scene, he said, getting to his feet. Im off for a shower. Will you still be here when Im done?
I glanced at my watch. No, got to run. Whatever else happened today, I couldnt leave Richard standing around at the multiscreen.
See you round, kid, Dennis said, walking off.
Yeah. And Dennis
He looked over his shoulder, the changing room door half open.
If theres anything I can do
Denniss smile was as crooked as his business. Youll know, he said.
Back at the car, I hit the phone. Sheila the Dragon Queen tried to tell me Trevor Kerr was in a meeting, but my civil-servant impersonation was no match for her. I had good teachers; I once devoted most of my spare time for six months to screwing housing benefits out of a succession of bloody-minded officials.
Trevor Kerr, the phone barked at me.
Kate Brannigan here. Ive spoken to the police, who were very interested in what I had to tell them about the fake KerrSter, I said. They said they would investigate that angle.
You pulled me out of a production meeting to tell me that? he demanded.
Not only that, I said mildly. It was an effort. If he carried on like this, I reckoned there was going to be a five percent surliness surcharge on Trevor Kerrs bill.
What, then?
You mentioned youd had a round of redundancies, I said.
So?
I wondered if anyone whod gone out the door had been subject to a golden handcuffs deal.
There was a moments silence. There must have been a few, he admitted grudgingly. Its standard practice for anybody working in research or in key production jobs.
Ill need a list.
Youll have one, he said.
Have it faxed to my office, I replied. The numbers on the card. I cut the connection. Thats the great thing with mobile phones. There are so many black holes around that nobody dares accuse you of hanging up on them anymore.
I took out my notebook and rang the number Alexis had given me earlier. The voice that answered the phone didnt sound like Lord James Ballantrae. Not unless hed had an unfortunate accident. Im looking for Lord Ballantrae, I said.
I took out my notebook and rang the number Alexis had given me earlier. The voice that answered the phone didnt sound like Lord James Ballantrae. Not unless hed had an unfortunate accident. Im looking for Lord Ballantrae, I said.
This is his wife, she said. Whos calling?
My name is Kate Brannigan. Im a private investigator in Manchester. I understand Lord Ballantrae is the coordinator of a group of stately-home owners who have been burgled recently. One of my clients has had a Monet stolen, and I wondered if Lord Ballantrae could spare me some time to discuss it.
Im sure hed be happy to do so. Bear with me a moment, Ill check the diary. I hung on for an expensive minute. Then she was back. How does tomorrow at ten sound?
No problem, I said.
Now, if youre coming from Manchester, the easiest way is to come straight up the M6, then take the A7 at Carlisle as far as Hawick, then the A698 through Kelso. About six miles past Kelso, youll see a couple of stone gateposts on the left with pineapples on top of them. You cant miss them. Thats us. Castle Dumdivie. Did you get all that?