So I ring the number and mention my contacts name and this bloke says to me hes in the market for serious art. He says he has a client for topflight gear, flat fee of ten grand a pop for pieces agreed in advance. I go, how do I know I can trust you, and he goes, you dont part with the gear till you see the color of my money. I go, how does it work, and he goes, you decide on something you think you can get away with, and you ring me and ask me if I want it. I ring you back the next day with a yes or a no.
So you embark on your new career as art robber, I said. Simple, really.
You wouldnt be so sarcastic if you knew what a nause it is shifting stuff like that on the open market, Dennis said with feeling.
How did you know what to go for? And where to go for it? I demanded. Id never had Dennis pegged as a paid-up member of the National Trust.
My mate Frankie came out a while back, he said. I didnt think he meant that Frankie had revealed he was a raging queen. Hes been doing an eight stretch for armed robbery, and he did an Open University degree while he was inside. He did a couple of courses in history of art. He reckoned it would come in useful on the outside, he added dryly.
I dont think thats quite what the government had in mind when they set up the OU, I said.
Dennis grinned. Get an education, get on in life. Anyway, we spent a couple of months schlepping round these country houses, sussing out what was where, what was worth nicking and what the security was like. Pathetic, most of it.
I had a sudden thought. Dennis, these robberies have been going on for nine months now. You only got nicked a few weeks ago. You didnt start doing this for insurance money, you started doing this out of sheer badness, I accused him.
He shrugged, looking slightly shamefaced. So I lied. Im sorry, Kate, I cant change the habit of a lifetime. This was just too good to miss. And watertight. We dont touch places with security guards so nobody gets hurt or upset. Were in and out so fast theres no way were going to get caught.
I caught you, I pointed out.
Yeah, but youre a special case, Dennis said. Besides, the CCTV wasnt there when we cased the place. They must have only just put it in.
So who is this guy whos giving you peanuts for these masterpieces?
Dennis smiled wryly. Its not peanuts, Kate. Its good money and no hassle.
Its a tiny fraction of what theyre worth, I said.
Define worth. What an insurance company pays out? What you could get at auction? Worth is what somebodys prepared to pay. I reckon ten grand for a nights work is not bad going.
A grand for every year if they catch you. Youd get a better rate of pay working in a sweatshop making schneid T-shirts. So whos the buyer? Some private collector, or what?
I dont know, Dennis said. I dont even know who the fence is.
I snorted incredulously. And I am Marie of Romania. Come on, Dennis, youve done more than a dozen deals with this guy, you must know who he is.
Ive never met him before this run of jobs, Dennis said. All Ive got is the number for his mobile.
Youre kidding, I said. Youve done over a hundred grands worth of work for some punter whose name you dont even know?
S right, he said easily. My business isnt like yours, Kate. I dont take out credit references on the people I do business with. Look, what happens is, every few weeks I ring the guy up with one of Frankies suggestions. He gives me the nod, we go out and do the job and I give him a bell. We meet on the motorway services, we show him the goods, he counts the dosh in front of us and we all go home happy boys.
What about the fakes?
There was a deathly silence. He ground out his cigarette viciously in the ashtray. How did you find out about them? Dennis asked warily. Theres been nothing in the papers or anything about that.
What happens when it turns out youve nicked a copy? I asked, ignoring him.
Dennis shifted in his seat, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. You setting me up, or what? he asked. You saying that Monet wasnt kosher?
What happens when it turns out youve nicked a copy? I asked, ignoring him.
Dennis shifted in his seat, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. You setting me up, or what? he asked. You saying that Monet wasnt kosher?
It was kosher, I said. But they havent all been, have they?
Dennis lit his cigarette like an actor in a Pinter play filling one of the gaps with a complicated bit of business. Three of them were bent as a nine-bob note, he said. First I knew about it was about a week after wed done the handover when the geezer bells me and tells me. I said I never knew anything about it, and he goes, Im sure you were acting in good faith, but the problem is that so was my client. He reckons you owe him ten grand. And he has very efficient debt collectors. But hes a fair man. Hell cancel the debt if you provide another painting for free. So we to-and-fro a bit, and eventually he agrees that hell pay us a grand for expenses for the next kosher one we bring him, and were all square. So we go and do another one, and bugger me if it isnt bent as well. He shook his head in wonderment.
Talk about a scam, he said. These bastards with their country houses really know how to pull a con job on the punters. Anyway, we end up having to do a third job, this time for fuck all, just to get ourselves square. I mean, hes obviously dealing with the kind of money that can buy a lot of very vicious muscle. You dont mess with that.
But everythings hunky-dory now, is it?
He nodded, eating smoke. Sweet.
Great, I said. Then you wont mind putting the two of us together, will you, Dennis?
11
ONCE UPON A TIME I HAD A FLING WITH A TELECOM ENGINEER. It didnt end happily ever after, but he taught me more than Ill ever need to know about crossed lines. Along the way, before I accepted that great sex wasnt a long-term compensation for the conversational skills of Bonzo the chimpanzee, I met some very useful people. I met some bloody boring ones too, and unfortunately the crossover between the two groups was disturbingly large. Even more unfortunately, I was going to have to talk to one of them.
After Id finally convinced Dennis that I wasnt going to back off and that the price of his liberty was putting me together with his fence, it hadnt taken me long to squeeze the phone number of the contact out of him. Hed left, grumbling that I was getting in over my head and I neednt come running to him when the roof fell in. Naturally, we both knew that in the event of such an architectural disaster, the combined emergency services of six counties wouldnt keep him away.
I watched his car drive away, not entirely certain I was doing the right thing. But I knew I couldnt turn Dennis over to the cops. It wasnt just about friendship, though that had been the key factor in my decision, no doubt about that. But I hadnt been lying when I said I wanted the people behind the whole shooting match. Without them, the robberies wouldnt end. Theyd just find another Dennis to do the dirty work and carry the can. Besides, I wanted Henrys Monet back, and Dennis didnt have it anymore.
After Dennis had gone, I rediscovered my appetite and wolfed the sandwich from the fridge before settling down to the thankless task of calling Gizmo. Gizmo works for Telecom as a systems engineer, which suits him down to the ground since hes the ultimate computer nerd. The first time I met him, he was even wearing an anorak. In a nightclub. I later discovered it was rare as hens teeth to catch Gizmo out on the town. Normally, the only thing that will prise him away from his computer screen is the promise of a secret password that will allow him to penetrate to the heart of some companys as yet virgin network. Hes only ever happy when his modems skittering round the worlds bulletin boards. Gizmo would much rather be wandering round the Internet than the streets of Manchester. I thought Bill and I were pretty nifty movers round the intangible world of computer communications till I met Gizmo. Then I realized our joint hacking skills were the equivalent of comparing a ten-year-olds What I did on my holidays essay with Jan Morris on just about anywhere.
I looked Gizmo up in my Filofax. There were several points of contact listed there. I tried his phone, but it was engaged. What a surprise. I booted up my computer, loaded up my comms software and logged on to the electronic mail network that Mortensen and Brannigan subscribe to. I typed a message asking Gizmo to call me urgently and sent it to his mailbox.
The phone rang five minutes later. Id specifically asked him to call me person-to-person. The last thing I wanted was to relay my request to him over the Net. You never know whos looking in, no matter how secure you think you are. Thats one of the first things Gizmo taught me. Kate? he said suspiciously. Gizmo doesnt like talking; he prefers people to know only the constructed personality he releases over the computer network.
Hi, Gizmo. Hows life? Silly question, really. Gizmo and life are barely on speaking terms.
Just got myself a state-of-the-art rig, he said. Shes so fast, its beautiful. So, whats going down with you?
Busy, busy. You know how it is. Gizmo, I need some help. Usual terms. Fifty quid in used notes in a brown envelope through his letter box. He comes so cheap because he loves poking around other peoples computers in the same way that some men like blondes with long legs.
Speak, its your dime, he said. I took that for agreement.
Ive got a mobile number here that I need a name and address for.
Is that all? He sounded disappointed. I gave him the number. Fine, he said. I should be back to you later today.
Youre a star, Giz. If Im not here, leave a message on the machine. The answering machine. Okay?
Okay.
The next call was to Lord Ballantrae. I think Ive got a lead, I told him. To the fence, not the principal behind the robberies. But I need some help.
Thats quick work, he said. Fire away. If I can do, I will do.
I need something to sell him. Not a painting, something fairly small but very valuable. Not small as in brooch, but maybe a small statuette, a gold goblet, that kind of thing. Now, I know that some of your associates have taken to displaying copies rather than the real thing. One of those dummies would be ideal, provided that it would pass muster on reasonably close scrutiny. You think you can come up with something like that? I asked.