The special opening night offer of two drinks for the price of one had already scored a clutch of casualties and the rest of the partygoers looked like they were hellbent on the same fate. I ducked
She paused on the threshold, took a swift look round the room and said, Youve obviously led a very sheltered life. As she spoke, someone spotted her. The cry rippled across the room and within seconds the youth of Blackburn were cheering and bellowing a ragged chorus of the theme song from Northerners. And then we were plunged into the throbbing embrace of the crowd.
I gave up trying to keep Gloria from the assassins knife after about twenty seconds when I realized that if I came between her and her public, I was the more likely candidate for a stiletto in the ribs. I wriggled backwards through the crowd and found a vantage point on the raised dais where the DJ was looking as cool as any man can who works for the local building society during the day. I was scanning the crowd automatically, looking for behavior that didnt fit in. Easier said than done, given the level of drunken revelry around me. But from what I could see of the people crammed into the Frog and Scrannage, the natives were definitely friendly, at least as far as Gloria/Brenda was concerned.
I watched my client, impressed with her energy and her professionalism. She crossed the room slower than a stoned three-toed sloth, with a word and an autograph for everyone who managed to squeeze alongside. She didnt even seem to be sweating, the only cool person in the biggest sauna in the North West. When she finally made it to the dais, there was no shortage of hands to help her up. She turned momentarily and swiftly handed the DJ a cassette tape. Any time you like, chuck. Just let it run.
The lad slotted it into his music deck and the opening bars of the Northerners theme crashed out over the PA, the audience swaying along. The music faded down and Gloria went straight into what was clearly a well-polished routine. Half a dozen jokes with a local spin, a clutch of anecdotes about her fellow cast members then, right on cue, the music swelled up under her and she belted out a segued medley of I Will Survive, No More Tears, Roll With It, and No Regrets.
You had to be there.
The crowd was baying for more. They got it. The Power of
As soon as we were out of the car park, she pulled off the wig with a noisy sigh. What did you think?
Anybody who seriously wanted to damage you could easily get close enough. Getting away might be harder, I said, half my attention on negotiating a brutal one-way system that could commit us to Chorley or Preston or some other fate worse than death if I didnt keep my wits about me.
No, not that, Gloria said impatiently. Never mind that. How was I? Did they love it?
It was gone midnight by the time Id deposited Gloria behind bolted doors and locked gates and driven back through the empty impoverished streets of the citys eastern fringes. Nothing much was moving except the litter in the wind. I felt a faint nagging throb in my sinuses, thanks to the assault of cigarette smoke, loud music and flashing lights Id endured in the pub. Id recently turned thirty; maybe some fundamental alteration had happened in my brain which meant my body could no longer tolerate all the things that spelled a good night out to the denizens of Blackburns latest fun pub. Perhaps there were hidden benefits in aging after all.
I yawned as I turned out of the council estate into the enclave of private housing where I occasionally manage a full nights sleep. Tonight wouldnt be one; Gloria had to be at the studios by nine thirty, so she wanted me at her place by eight thirty. Id gritted my teeth, thought about the hourly rate and smiled.
I staggered up the path, slithering slightly on the frosted cobbles, already imagining the sensuous bliss of slipping under a winterweight feather-and-down duvet. As soon as I opened the door, the dream shattered. Even from the hallway I could see the glow of light from the conservatory. I could hear moody saxophone music and the mutter of voices. That they were in the conservatory rather
My bag slid to the floor as my shoulders drooped. I walked through to the living room and took in the scene through the patio doors. Beer bottles, a plume of smoke from a joint, two male bodies sprawled across the wicker.
Just what Id always wanted at the end of a working day. A pair of criminals in the conservatory.
Chapter 3
VENUS SQUARES NEPTUNE
This is a tense aspect that produces strain in affairs of the heart because she has a higher expectation of love and comradeship than her world provides. She has a strong determination to beat the odds stacked against her.
From Written in the Stars, by Dorothea Dawson
Its not every night you feel like you need a Visiting Order to enter your own conservatory. That night I definitely wanted reinforcements before I could face the music or the men. A quick trip to the kitchen and I was equipped with a sweating tumbler of ice-cold pepper-flavored Absolut topped up with pink grapefruit juice. I took a deep draught and headed for whatever Dennis and Richard had to throw at me.
When I say the conservatory was full of criminals, I was only slightly exaggerating. Although Richards insistence on the need for marijuana before creativity can be achieved means he cheerfully breaks the law every day, hes got no criminal convictions. Being a journalist, he doesnt have any other kind either.
Dennis is a different animal. Hes a career criminal but, paradoxically, I trust him more than almost anyone. I always know where I am with Dennis; his morality might not be constructed along traditional lines, but its more rigid than the law of gravity, and a hell of a lot more forgiving. He used to be a professional burglar; not the sort who breaks into peoples houses to steal the video and rummage through the lingerie, but the sort who relieves the very rich of some of their ill-gotten and well-insured gains. Some of his victims had so many expensive status symbols lying around that they didnt even realize theyd been burgled. These
Ive known Dennis even longer than Ive known Richard. Hes my Thai-boxing coach, and he taught me the basic principle of selfdefense for someone as little as I am one crippling kick to the kneecap or the balls, then run like hell. Its saved my life more than once, which is another good reason why Dennis will always be welcome in my house. Well, almost always.
I leaned against the doorjamb and scowled. I thought you didnt do drugs, I said mildly to Dennis.
You know I dont, he said. Whos been telling porkies about me?
Nobody. I was referring to the atmosphere in here, I said, wafting my hand in front of my face as I crossed the room to give Dennis a kiss on a cheek so smooth he must have shaved before he came out for the evening. Breathe and youre stoned. Not to mention cutting your life expectancy by half.
Nice to see you too, Brannigan, my beloved said as I pushed the evening paper to one side and dropped on to the sofa next to him.
So what are you two boys plotting?
Dennis grinned like Wile E. Coyote. My heart sank. I was well past a convincing impersonation of the Road Runner. Wanted to pick your brains, he said.
And it couldnt wait till morning? I groaned.
I was passing.
Richard gave the sort of soft giggle that comes after the fifth bottle and the fourth joint. I know my man. He was passing and he heard a bottle of Petes Wicked Bohemian Pilsner calling his name, he spluttered.
Looking at the number of bottles, it looks more like a crate shouting its head off, I muttered. The boys looked like they were set to make a night of it. There was only one way I was going to
He gave me the wary look of a person whos drunk enough to notice their other half isnt giving them the hard time they deserve. I could come back tomorrow, he said.
I dont think thatll be necessary, I said repressively. Like the song says, tonight will be fine.
Dennis gave me a quick sideways look and reached for his cigarettes. You never finished your law degree, did you?
I shook my head. It was a sore point with my mum and dad, who fancied being the parents of the first graduate in the family, but all it brought me was relief that business could never be so bad that Id be tempted to set up shop as a lawyer. Two years of study had been enough to demonstrate there wasnt a single area of legal practice that wouldnt drive me barking within six months.
So you couldnt charge me for legal advice, Dennis concluded triumphantly.
I raised my eyes to the heavens, where a few determined stars penetrated the sodium glow of the city sky. No, Dennis, I couldnt. Then I gave him the hard stare. But why would I want to? Weve never sent each other bills before, have we? What exactly are you up to?
You know Id never ask you to help me out with anything criminal, dont you?
Course you wouldnt. Youre far too tight to waste your breath, I said. Richard giggled again. I revised my estimate. Sixth bottle, fifth joint.
Dennis leaned across to pick up his jacket from the nearby chair, revealing splendid muscles in his forearm and a Ralph Lauren label. It didnt quite go with the jogging pants and the Manchester United away shirt. He pulled some papers out of the inside pocket then gave me a slightly apprehensive glance. Then he shrugged and said, Its not illegal. Not as such.
Not even a little bit? I asked. I didnt bother trying to hide my incredulity. Dennis only takes offense when its intended.
This bit isnt illegal, he said firmly. Its a lease.
A lease?
For a shop.
Youre taking out a lease on a shop? It was a bit like hearing Dracula had gone veggie.
He had the grace to look embarrassed. Only technically.
I knew better than to ask more. Sometimes ignorance is not only bliss but also healthy. And you want me to cast an eye over it to see that youre not being ripped off, I said, holding a hand out for the papers.
Curiously reluctant now, Dennis clutched the papers to his chest. You do know about leases? I mean, its not one of the bits you missed out, is it?
It was, as it happened, but I wasnt about to tell him that. Besides, since Id quit law school, Id learned much more practical stuff about contracts and leases than I could ever have done if Id stuck it out. Gimme, I said.