Chopper. A man only seeks for happiness but never has it. And it doesnt even exist. Slav!
Slav. Eh?
Chopper. Try it on. Its just your size. [He throws a parcel with clothes to Slav.]
Slav unwraps the parcel.
Slav. You cant be serious, Chopper
Chopper. A must is a must. Its gonna get hairy at night.
Slav changes into the police uniform, puts on the peaked cap, and puts steel handcuffs into his pocket.
Slav. I look nothing like a cop.
Chopper. We are going to check it soon.
Slav. Jacket and Moray I dont like these two. How come Frost knows them?
Chopper. Its none of your affairs. Frost vouched for them.
Slav. The chumps will get off as soon as it hits the fan. You and I are sticking our necks out.
Chopper. Relax. Jacket and Kolosov are settling their personal scores.
Slav. Is it true that they are related?
Chopper. Kolosov is his stepfather. It was he who got Jacket and Moray arrested for drugs a few years ago.
Slav. What a nasty son of a bitch.
Chopper. Jacket had spent four years in jail. Meanwhile, his mother died.
Slav. The fellow had damned bad luck.
Chopper. Kolosov buried Jackets mother and got his grubby hands on the icon collection her granddad left to her.
Slav. How much money did Kolosov make on it?
Chopper. When Perestroika began, profiteers bid a four-room apartment in Moscow for those icons.
Slav.[Whistling.] And where is this collection now? [Opening the door of a wardrobe and groping around inside.]
Chopper. In the old Kolosovs apartment. The roost is alarmed. We are going to find out the password and take the icons without a big fuss. Karen the cracksman is already there.
Artyom with the uncased rifle and Moray enter. Slav closes the wardrobe door, Artyom and Moray notice him.
Moray. Jiggers! Cops! [He takes off towards the exit, stumbles, and falls. Then he sees that Artyom and Chopper dont run away and keeps sitting by the door.]
Chopper.[Giving a laugh and coughing.] You do! You do look like a cop, Slav.
Scene 3
Midday. The stage setting is the same as in Scene 1.
Fyodor is sitting on the terrace. Some light snacks are served on the table. Venya leaves the house.
Venya. I might have just dropped and broken a mug from your collection. [He shows a jug with a broken handle to Fyodor.]
Fyodor. Venya, dont sweat it. Its a cheapie.
Venya. Looks pretty.
Fyodor. Its a replica of an Infantry reservist jug. Ive never even drunk from the original one myself, put it on to a shelf.
Venya. Its a shame anyway.
Fyodor. Put it on the table. Youre going to hurt yourself.
Venya.[Carefully putting the broken jug on the table.] You have some beautiful icons inside. Are those the ones from your collection?
Fyodor. Those are copies, Venya. The collection itself is kept in safety, alarmed.
Venya. Gotcha. I figured as much.
Pause.
Venya. How can Alexey take a steam bath so early in the morning?
Fyodor. He is used to it. Has a healthy heart.
Venya. I cant stand this humidity. My Zodiac is a fire sign. [He sits down at the table.]
Fyodor. A fire sign? Do you believe in astrology now, Venya? Does your spiritual father approve?
Venya. You know, priests and devils, they both seem the same to me as of late. I am sick of theorizing. Im letting my hair down. First-hand experience is priceless.
Fyodor. Its only a shame that we have to pay for this experience with our health, youth, and nerves.
Pause.
Venya. The whole life is a nasty joke. A friend of mine once came home from a business trip only to find his young wife in bed with her lover. «What are you doing here?!» The cuckold shrieked. «There you go,» his wife said to her lover. «I did tell you that my husband is an idiot.»
Alexey, fresh-faced after bathing and wrapped up in a bathrobe, comes out of the banya behind the house and walks along the path towards them.
Alexey. Youre telling Fyodor about Galina, your third wife, arent you? [Coming up to the table and noticing the broken jug.] Who smashed such a cool jug? Ah! I seem to know the answer.
Venya. It is because of men like you, pampered sticklers for cleanliness, that wives deceive their husbands!
Venya stands up, takes the broken jug, and goes inside. Alexey laughs after him.
Fyodor. Alexey, leave him alone, for Heavens sake.
Alexey. Venya is a bungler and loser. Its a fact.
Fyodor. Veniamin never had luck with women. He is suffering, poor wretch.
Alexey. You cant teach an old dog new tricks.
Fyodor. Its baloney! Dogs can learn at any age, especially when they are hungry.
Alexey. Have you heard the news? Venya even took a life-couching course.
Fyodor. He asked me to join him too. Positive thinking is in fashion now.
Alexey. These shamanic dances are just like drugs.
Fyodor. Everybodys got to make a living.
Alexey. Some mysterious forces crank out these smooth-talking shamans who brainwash the common people. They create a temporary illusion of inner peace and self-confidence, get the gullible idiots motivated. They fill the hearts of losers like Venya with joy and their lives with struggles. This irrational joy and faith in the glorious future can later play a dirty trick and make their lives miserable.
Fyodor. Is it even possible that grown men buy into this?
Alexey. The examples are around us! Now our Veniamin dreams of retiring as soon as possible, marrying a rich French madame against all the odds, and traveling around the globe. He even has a French teacher now.
Fyodor. As for me, I dont have to wait for a miracle or retirement to change my life for the better. And its never too late to find love.
Alexey. You, Fyodor, are in a romantic mood today, I see.
Fyodor. Come off it.
Alexey. You havent fallen in love at your age, have you?
Fyodor. What next!
Alexey. I saw you a week ago in the city. You were walking together with a young mysterious stranger.
Fyodor. She is my neighbor here. We are just friends.
Alexey. Already?
Fyodor. What do you mean by this «already»?
Alexey. First, you are just neighbors, then lovers, and only after that youre just friends.
Fyodor. Are you a bloody shrink now?
Pause.
Fyodor. Though you know, Alexey, I have to admit: For some reason, I am drawn to this woman. She is a doctor in the regional polyclinic, works with special needs children.
Alexey. During my long life, Ive visited fifty-six countries. I had to talk to lots and lots of people from all the continents. You know, I never tried to understand all of them. Its easy to «understand» a person. All it takes is to slap a label on him or her once: Coward, scrounger, drunkard, loser, rascal, smarty pants. And everything suddenly becomes clear.
Fyodor. What are you driving at?
Alexey. I have always wanted to see a person. Not to understand. To see. Heres an observation that Id like to share with you as my best friend. I believe it is the most important one.
Fyodor. Come on, say it.
Alexey. There is no such thing as unfortunate love since only lack of love can be unfortunate. You cant be really happy unless you love and are loved in return.
Fyodor. Im afraid. Im afraid to lose my loved one again.
Alexey. You cant bring Lyudmila back. Shes six feet under. But you are here, alive. If you found your love, Fyodor, take it, hold it tight, dont fritter away your energy.
Fyodor. «I sought my love in the maiden forest. With a mocking singer, I spent the night in a stack»
Alexey. Take your chance. A million to one chance! Otherwise, you will just become the same embittered loser as Venya.
Fyodor. Veniamin is envious of you as his childhood playmate. You had much greater success in life.
Alexey. Envy is a time bomb. You never know when its going to explode. You can never, ever let anybody see that you are successful and happy. People dont forgive you, especially if they are your childhood playmates. If theres no escaping, you should lie. At least tell them that you suffer from gastritis or hemorrhoid.
Venya leaves the house, approaches the gazebo.
Venya.[To Alexey.] So you think you are smart? Successful? Rich?
Alexey. What are you doing, you brawler?
Fyodor. Venya, my dear, stop messing around.
Pause.
Venya. Yes, I am a loser.
Alexey. Now theres a surprise!
Venya. I live with my mom in a two-room apartment.
Alexey. Here we go, the blessed fool is whinging again.
Fyodor. Alexey, stop that!
Venya. Women loathe me. My colleagues despise me. My friends are always laughing at me.
Fyodor. Stop your nonsense, Veniamin, would you? You are a great friend.
Venya. Im living paycheck to paycheck. I hate my job and count the days till my retirement. I could have become a Doctor of Science!
Alexey. Do it now. Earn some money!
Fyodor. Here we go again.
Alexey. Instead of traipsing around motivation courses, finally take the responsibility for your own life.
Fyodor. Veniamin, whatever man has done, man may do. Someone still has to teach university students.
Venya. Actually, Alexey is right
Alexey. Well, Veniamin, Im sorry. Ive been too hasty. [He comes up to Venya and hugs him.]
Venya. Only fools rely on their present-day superiority. When flood comes the fish eat the ants. But when water dries the ants eat the fish.
Alexey. Theres my dear philosopher, Augustine! I love you so much for that. [He hugs and kisses Venya, the latter tries to kick him off.]
Fyodor. You are just like children, really.
Alexey. Dont worry, Venya, we will find you a woman. With breasts this big!
Venya. Thats what I love.
Alexey. Did you see the way Natashas friend looked at you this morning?
Venya. Oh yes, yes, yes! A gorgeous girl. Oon bell fam!
Fyodor. You are at it again, Don Juans.
Alexey.[To Venya.] What is her name?
Venya. Khlora!
Alexey. A hot little number!
Venya. Do you think its her real name?
Alexey. Who cares? She is what you need!
Venya.[Singing in a soft voice.] «I sought my love in the maiden forest.»
Alexey.[Singing along with Venya.] «With a mocking singer, I spent the night in a stack»
Fyodor. The girls were just kidding! They didnt want to bother with the tire. So they found us, old fools, to help them put the spare on.
Venya. Hey ho. We should have asked their phone numbers.
Alexey. Youre right, buddy, we failed at that.
Fyodor. They must be enjoying their drinks while sitting in their bungalows on this Sunny Beach. And mocking at you.