No more valiant hero ever fought his way through the ranks of an enemy. Turkey, chops, soups, vegetables, pies, disappeared before him as fast as they could be served. Gorged nearly to the uttermost when he entered the restaurant, the smell of food had almost caused him to lose his honor as a gentleman, but he rallied like a true knight. He saw the look of beneficent happiness on the Old Gentlemans face a happier look than even the fuchsias and the ornithoptera amphrisius had ever brought to it and he had not the heart to see it wane.
In an hour Stuffy leaned back with a battle won. Thankee kindly, sir, he puffed like a leaky steam pipe; thankee kindly for a hearty meal. Then he arose heavily with glazed eyes and started toward the kitchen. A waiter turned him about like a top, and pointed him toward the door. The Old Gentleman carefully counted out $1.30 in silver change, leaving three nickels for the waiter.
They parted as they did each year at the door, the Old Gentleman going south, Stuffy north.
Around the first corner Stuffy turned, and stood for one minute. Then he seemed to puff out his rags as an owl puffs out his feathers, and fell to the sidewalk like a sunstricken horse.
When the ambulance came the young surgeon and the driver cursed softly at his weight. There was no smell of whiskey to justify a transfer to the patrol wagon, so Stuffy and his two dinners went to the hospital. There they stretched him on a bed and began to test him for strange diseases, with the hope of getting a chance at some problem with the bare steel.
And lo! an hour later another ambulance brought the Old Gentleman. And they laid him on another bed and spoke of appendicitis, for he looked good for the bill.
But pretty soon one of the young doctors met one of the young nurses whose eyes he liked, and stopped to chat with her about the cases.
That nice old gentleman over there, now, he said, you wouldnt think that was a case of almost starvation. Proud old family, I guess. He told me he hadnt eaten a thing for three days.
The Assessor of Success
Hastings Beauchamp Morley sauntered across Union Square with a pitying look at the hundreds that lolled upon the park benches. They were a motley lot, he thought; the men with stolid, animal, unshaven faces; the women wriggling and self-conscious, twining and untwining their feet that hung four inches above the gravelled walks.
Were I Mr. Carnegie or Mr. Rockefeller I would put a few millions in my inside pocket and make an appointment with all the Park Commissioners (around the corner, if necessary), and arrange for benches in all the parks of the world low enough for women to sit upon, and rest their feet upon the ground. After that I might furnish libraries to towns that would pay for em, or build sanitariums for crank professors, and call em colleges, if I wanted to.
Womens rights societies have been laboring for many years after equality with man. With what result? When they sit on a bench they must twist their ankles together and uncomfortably swing their highest French heels clear of earthly support. Begin at the bottom, ladies. Get your feet on the ground, and then rise to theories of mental equality.
Hastings Beauchamp Morley was carefully and neatly dressed. That was the result of an instinct due to his birth and breeding. It is denied us to look further into a mans bosom than the starch on his shirt front; so it is left to us only to recount his walks and conversation.
Morley had not a cent in his pockets; but he smiled pityingly at a hundred grimy, unfortunate ones who had no more, and who would have no more when the suns first rays yellowed the tall paper-cutter building on the west side of the square. But Morley would have enough by then. Sundown had seen his pockets empty before; but sunrise had always seen them lined.
First he went to the house of a clergyman off Madison avenue and presented a forged letter of introduction that holily purported to issue from a pastorate in Indiana. This netted him $5 when backed up by a realistic romance of a delayed remittance.
On the sidewalk, twenty steps from the clergymans door, a pale-faced, fat man huskily enveloped him with a raised, red fist and the voice of a bell buoy, demanding payment of an old score.
Why, Bergman, man, sang Morley, dulcetly, is this you? I was just on my way up to your place to settle up. That remittance from my aunt arrived only this morning. Wrong address was the trouble. Come up to the corner and Ill square up. Glad to see you. Saves me a walk.
Four drinks placated the emotional Bergman. There was an air about Morley when he was backed by money in hand that would have stayed off a call loan at Rothschilds. When he was penniless his bluff was pitched half a tone lower, but few are competent to detect the difference in the notes.
You gum to mine blace and bay me to-morrow, Mr. Morley, said Bergman. Oxcuse me dat I dun you on der street. But I haf not seen you in dree mont. Prost!
Morley walked away with a crooked smile on his pale, smooth face. The credulous, drink-softened German amused him. He would have to avoid Twenty-ninth street in the future. He had not been aware that Bergman ever went home by that route.
At the door of a darkened house two squares to the north Morley knocked with a peculiar sequence of raps. The door opened to the length of a six-inch chain, and the pompous, important black face of an African guardian imposed itself in the opening. Morley was admitted.
In a third-story room, in an atmosphere opaque with smoke, he hung for ten minutes above a roulette wheel. Then downstairs he crept, and was out-sped by the important negro, jingling in his pocket the 40 cents in silver that remained to him of his five-dollar capital. At the corner he lingered, undecided.
Across the street was a drug store, well lighted, sending forth gleams from the German silver and crystal of its soda fountain and glasses. Along came a youngster of five, headed for the dispensary, stepping high with the consequence of a big errand, possibly one to which his advancing age had earned him promotion. In his hand he clutched something tightly, publicly, proudly, conspicuously.
In a third-story room, in an atmosphere opaque with smoke, he hung for ten minutes above a roulette wheel. Then downstairs he crept, and was out-sped by the important negro, jingling in his pocket the 40 cents in silver that remained to him of his five-dollar capital. At the corner he lingered, undecided.
Across the street was a drug store, well lighted, sending forth gleams from the German silver and crystal of its soda fountain and glasses. Along came a youngster of five, headed for the dispensary, stepping high with the consequence of a big errand, possibly one to which his advancing age had earned him promotion. In his hand he clutched something tightly, publicly, proudly, conspicuously.
Morley stopped him with his winning smile and soft speech.
Me? said the youngster. Im doin to the drug tore for mamma. She dave me a dollar to buy a bottle of medcin.
Now, now, now! said Morley. Such a big man you are to be doing errands for mamma. I must go along with my little man to see that the cars dont run over him. And on the way well have some chocolates. Or would he rather have lemon drops?
Morley entered the drug store leading the child by the hand. He presented the prescription that had been wrapped around the money.
On his face was a smile, predatory, parental, politic, profound.
Aqua pura[274], one pint[275], said he to the druggist. Sodium chloride[276], ten grains. Fiat solution. And dont try to skin me, because I know all about the number of gallons[277] of H2O in the Croton reservoir[278], and I always use the other ingredient on my potatoes.
Fifteen cents, said the druggist, with a wink after he had compounded the order. I see you understand pharmacy. A dollar is the regular price.
To gulls, said Morley, smilingly.
He settled the wrapped bottle carefully in the childs arms and escorted him to the corner. In his own pocket he dropped the 85 cents accruing to him by virtue of his chemical knowledge.
Look out for the cars, sonny, he said, cheerfully, to his small victim.
Two street cars suddenly swooped in opposite directions upon the youngster. Morley dashed between them and pinned the infantile messenger by the neck, holding him in safety. Then from the corner of his street he sent him on his way, swindled, happy, and sticky with vile, cheap candy from the Italians fruit stand.
Morley went to a restaurant and ordered a sirloin and a pint of inexpensive Château Breuille. He laughed noiselessly, but so genuinely that the waiter ventured to premise that good news had come his way.
Why, no, said Morley, who seldom held conversation with anyone. It is not that. It is something else that amuses me. Do you know what three divisions of people are easiest to over-reach in transactions of all kinds?
Sure, said the waiter, calculating the size of the tip promised by the careful knot of Morleys tie; theres the buyers from the dry goods stores in the South during August, and honeymooners from Staten Island, and
Wrong! said Morley, chuckling happily. The answer is just men, women and children. The world well, say New York and as far as summer boarders can swim out from Long Island is full of greenhorns. Two minutes longer on the broiler would have made this steak fit to be eaten by a gentleman, François.
If yez tinks its on de bum, said the waiter, Oill
Morley lifted his hand in protest slightly martyred protest.
It will do, he said, magnanimously. And now, green Chartreuse[279], frappé and a demi-tasse.
Morley went out leisurely and stood on a corner where two tradeful arteries of the city cross. With a solitary dime in his pocket, he stood on the curb watching with confident, cynical, smiling eyes the tides of people that flowed past him. Into that stream he must cast his net and draw fish for his further sustenance and need. Good Izaak Walton[280] had not the half of his self-reliance and bait-lore.
A joyful party of four two women and two men fell upon him with cries of delight. There was a dinner party on where had he been for a fortnight past? what luck to thus run upon him! They surrounded and engulfed him he must join them tra la la and the rest.