Even her hair.
And she itched. Beneath the cast on her arm and lower leg. Beneath the multitude of healing lacerations. Beneath the stubbly hair growing back after the buzz cut shed required for surgery to ease the swelling of her brain.
If it didnt hurt to smile, she might have let out a wry one. All her life shed cultivated her long, blond tresses-only to lose them in one twist of fate.
At least she still had herwhat? She didnt have her health, she didnt have her life as she knew it, she couldnt draw, couldnt even hug Emily-as if her daughter even wanted to be hugged.
If she doesnt hire help, Sandy, shes not going to heal properly. This from her doctor.
If she doesnt hire help, Sandy, shes not going to heal properly. This from her doctor.
Wellher daughter was talking to Outpatient Services earlier, Sandy told him. She signed up for home care, I believe.
Rachel stopped breathing. Emily had already arranged for an at-home nurse? Melanie had obviously helped, but that seemed completely out of character, because though Rachels sister had come through for her after the accident, it wasnt Mels usual habit to think ahead for herself, much less someone else.
For years Mel had complained that Rachel didnt need her enough, but the truth was, when Rachel did need Mel, when she tried to confide something that was really bothering her, Mel often shrugged it off as not important. That, or she went overboard in her response.
A perfect example had been when Rachel and Ben had split. Feeling like a basket case, she had attempted to talk to Mel about him. But in her exuberant need to protect her baby sister, Mel had taken it as an opening to talk bad about Ben every single time the subject came up. Thirteen years later she was still doing it.
Rachel had learned to keep her problems to herself.
Besides, Mel had already gone above the call of duty, using vacation time from her job in order to take care of Emily while Rachel had been in the hospital, handling the house and all the responsibilities that went with that. Handling everything.
Rachel knew how much Melanie needed to get back to her own life, especially her independence. She and Emily would manage. With-oh, joy-a hired nurse. Having someone in their home, living with them, would make her terribly uncomfortable, but-and this was the good part-she was going home.
After a distressingly nomadic childhood, and after being woken at all hours of the day and night to be poked and prodded at for a month, her own bed would be heaven. Quiet, calm, tranquil heaven.
EMILY BOUNCED into Rachels hospital room, a barely contained bundle of energy. She wore a tank top, baggy jeans too loose on her hips and clunky sandals. Her face was completely void of makeup, as she hadnt yet found that particular vice, but she had two silver hoops in each ear. Her bright-green eyes were shining through her too-long blond bangs.
Her ever present laptop was tucked beneath her arm.
In spite of her exhaustion from a brutal physical therapy session, Rachels heart swelled at the sight of her greatest joy. In having a child, Rachel had learned to share herself, to receive love as well as give it. It was because of Emily that she felt whole.
Whole being relative at the moment.
Given the shift of the shadows on the walls from the gently dancing pines outside, hours had passed since Dr. Thompson had removed some of the bandages. She was now a new person. Granted, a new person with little to no hair, fresh new air casts on one arm and leg, and a healing broken pelvis. A new person who still hurtbut she felt marginally better nevertheless.
Or at least lighter. The bandages on her multitude of abrasions-which had covered part of her face, her torso and good arm-were gone. Because she could, she bent her right arm, watching with relief when the still-scabbed limb did what it should. And if she ignored the wild trembling that indicated it was weak as a babys-something her physical therapist promised to fix in no time-things were good. Emilylook at me go.
Emily looked suitably impressed. Nice. Before you know it, youll be drawing again.
At the moment, she couldnt even lift a pencil, much less think with the wit required for Gracie,-a character who was brave, brassy and bold, everything Rachel wasnt-but shed get there.
God, please, let me get there.
To hide the fear from the girl who saw everything, she forced a smile. Did you come with Aunt Mel?
Yeah. Emily plopped into the bedside chair, her pixie-blond hair once again swinging into her expressive eyes. She set down her laptop. Shes busy flirting with your doctor again, but as my supposedly mature aunt, she didnt want me to know, so she sent me in here.
Melanie had a long history with men. Very long.
She thinks I dont know about the birds and the bees. A quick cheeky grin flashed, reminding Rachel that before the accident, she and Emily had been on shaky ground due to Emilys certainty she knew everything, which naturally meant Rachel knew nothing.
I bet I know more than she does, Emily added.
A sexually aware preteen-every parents nightmare. Emily-
Oh, Mom, Im just kidding.
Uh-huh. But no way was she going to start a grudge match today. You really doing okay? She wished she could reach up and touch Emilys face, her hair. She missed their closeness, missed everything. Tell me the truth.
Well, Im better than you. The nurse told me they took out all your stitches. And most of the bandages, too. Leaning in, Emily scrutinized every inch of her face until Rachel wanted to squirm. She could only imagine how she must look. The bruises had to be fading along with the swelling, but they were probably still putrid yellow and puke green. And her hair, her glorious hair They havent brought me a mirror, so She managed a weak laugh, but Emily leaned even closer, still serious, still inspecting.
Rachel turned away and fought the burning behind her eyes. I probably look fit for Halloween, even though thats months off yet.
Oh, Mom. At the soft, choked-up voice, Rachel turned back, shocked to find love on Emilys face. Love.
Dont you know? she whispered. You look beautiful. Her eyes were shining like two brilliant stars. So beautiful, Mom.
Rachel managed a smile past the huge lump in her throat. Which means youre beautiful, too.
Yeah. But it was Emilys turn to look away now. But I know who I really look like
When she trailed off with no clear intent to finish, Rachel sighed. Not a coward, she reminded herself. Never a coward. Like your dad.
They stared at each other awkwardly while Rachels heart sank. No, she wasnt a coward, and hadnt been in a long time, but bringing up the subject of Ben Asher with Emily was usually trouble.
He was the one person Rachel and Emily never agreed on.
How could they? Her daughter saw him as a hero, larger than life. A man who put others needs before his own. A man who brought justice to people who couldnt get it for themselves.
He was that, Rachel admitted to herself, and more. So much more.
SHED CHANGED SCHOOLSagain, halfway through senior year this time. On her first day, a boy sauntered into her English Lit class late. With a slow, lazy smile and even lazier gait, he strode down the center aisle with a devil-may-care attitude that had wild whispers falling in his path.
Did you know hes from The Tracks? one cheerleader hissed to another, just behind Rachel. Lives in a foster home with eight other kids.
Hes still hot, came a hushed reply.
Hot, yeah. But dirt poor.
Such a waste.
Rachel couldnt help but notice no one else in the classroom gave him the time of day. Given his laid-back air and languid stroll, he could care less. He wore Levis with a hole over one knee, a dark T-shirt with a frayed hem and ripped sleeve and had an ancient Canon camera slung over his shoulder. His hair was wavy and long, past his collar at the back, the front tumbling over his forehead. He tossed it back with a lift of his head.
His gaze focused in on Rachel.
She wasnt used to that. She was invisible. Its what happened when you were always the new kid, and she was good at it. But he saw her, with eyes that were sparkling and full of trouble. He took the one empty seat in the classroom.
Right next to her.
Hey, he said with a slow, devastating smile.
She looked behind her to see who he was talking to, and he laughed.
She felt like shed been hit with an electrical current.
Got an extra pencil? he asked.
A little overwhelmed by his sheer presence, by the fact he was even looking at her, she handed him her pencil. Boys didnt look at her often, mostly because she never made eye contact and never bothered making friends. Why should she when shed only be moving again soon enough?
Got some paper?
Shed given him a few sheets, and an eraser, too. And by the end of that first hour hed convinced her to share her notes, and help him study for the next test. Shed tried to explain she wasnt the girl to get to know if he wanted to be popular, but he laughed.
Popular? He scratched his jaw and shrugged his bony shoulders. Not my thing. His eyes roamed her face, seeming to see more than anyone else ever saw. But youyou, Id like to get to know.
And hed done just that, gotten to know her, in a way no one else ever had.
Not then, and not since.
MOM? Ems worried gaze ran over Rachels face. Stick with me now, youre freaking me out.
Right. Stick to the present, much better than the past. They were talking about Ben. Ben, who took the most amazing photographs of the underprivileged and displayed them boldly in print for the more privileged population to squirm over. His thought-provoking articles that accompanied those pictures usually won him awards, and instigated a surge of charitable donations to better circumstances all over the world-and appease their guilty consciences. She knew this because shed followed his career over the years for no reason other than morbid curiosity.
But he was just a man. A man whod shown her more passion and emotion and life than anyone before or after. And though it had been thirteen long years, she still resented it with her entire being. Resented him.