And before those idiotic allusions could seep under her defenses any deeper, she thought fate was helping her out. This was Cords second shot at meeting the three women. Hed see how gorgeous they were. Howbru nette. How women-of-the-world. And then hed stop looking at her as ifwell, as if he were interested.
Thats what she thought would happen. Yet, after a rapid round of hellos-and the women all inviting Cord to stay and share some pizza, as if this were their apartment-Cord put up a hand. I dont want to interrupt. Unless you specifically want some help, Soph, Ill be next door. And Ill catch up with you whenever you have a chance.
When he disappeared across the hall, the women spun around to examine Sophie as if shed suddenly grown two heads. What? she demanded.
I saw the way he looked at you, Penelope said. Youve been holding out on us, girl. Lets hear it.
Hear what?
Hillarys jaw dropped. You got involved with him? I cant believe it!
Wait, wait Sophie put her hands on her head. Only near Washington could the whisper of a rumor get out of control so fast. Are you guys crazy? Why would someone like Cord look at anyone like me? The only reason weve talked is because of his brother. Its nothing personal.
Twenty minutes later the women left, carrying bags with leftover pizza and soda and anything else Sophie could force in their hands for a thank-you. In the sudden silence after their departure, she called for Caviar. The place looked almost like normal. The landlord would have to decide what he wanted to fix or replace, but her stuff was livable again. Almost every sign of the break-in had been whisked away
She felt safe again-life safe. Heart safe was a different story entirely, but she figured the only way to resolve that was to face it head-on.
Seconds later, Caviar next to her, she rapped on Cords door.
He opened it as if hed been waiting just on the other side. I was hoping youd have a chance to pop in. Nice of your friends to come over and help. Do you still have stuff you need doing? He looked at her, then at the cat streaking past his legs. Wheres he going?
Its in pretty good shape. The girls were whirlwinds. And youve got enough on your plate without adding my messes to it. As far as where Caviars goingmy guess is, to the litter box.
Why mine instead of yours? he asked mournfully, clearly hoping to elicit a chuckle, but right off the bat, she could see he was distracted. I told you I was taking that money to the authorities, which I did. I just wanted to fill you in on how that went, but
What? Maybe shed come over because shed promised to help with his brothers stuff. Maybe she just wanted to prove to herself that she could reduce the chemical pull around Cord by just behaving sisterlike with him. One millisecond, and that plan got jettisoned. Something was wrong. Not the wrongs of last week. A new wrong. She could see it in his face.
I found some more stuff. In fact, I figured out-just in the last few minutes-exactly how my brother was making a living.
So spill.
Sophie automatically pushed off her shoes at the door, but she couldnt take her eyes off him. Forget risk. Forget what she shouldnt be feeling. Cord had been fine when he stopped by, yet now he gave off tension, as if hed been slapped with a live electric wire. She glanced around, trying to pick up clues about what hed been doing.
Apparently, hed been sitting on the carpet in the living room. A tall glass sat on the coffee table, still loaded with melted ice cubes, nothing but a leftover acrid aroma to tattletale the scotch hed been drinking. She suspected hed chugged it, or the cubes wouldnt still be there. A dozen CDs were strewn in front of the flat-screen monitor, but just then, the screen was black.
Instinctively, she aimed for the mess on the floor and crouched down. Okay, what are these CDs? she asked.
He didnt directly answer, just hustled to push the CDs into a box behind him before dropping to the carpet next to her. And then he started talking, but not totally making sense. Man, he was wiped, she thought. Heart wiped. Soul wiped.
My parents, he started, and then just heaved out a gruff sigh. I cant say enough about them. They were both sodecent. So totally good people. They believed in crappy old-fashioned ideals, like integrity and honor and loyalty. In their lives, certain things were automaticlike shoveling out their neighbors drive after a snowstorm, and church on Sunday, and taking a neighbor food when they were sick. Growing up, I never thought about any of that. Its just how it was, how they were. We werent fancy people. Just good. All the way to the bone.
My parents, he started, and then just heaved out a gruff sigh. I cant say enough about them. They were both sodecent. So totally good people. They believed in crappy old-fashioned ideals, like integrity and honor and loyalty. In their lives, certain things were automaticlike shoveling out their neighbors drive after a snowstorm, and church on Sunday, and taking a neighbor food when they were sick. Growing up, I never thought about any of that. Its just how it was, how they were. We werent fancy people. Just good. All the way to the bone.
She waited. He scrubbed his forehead like he was trying to erase strain lines etched in ink. I left. I mean, for Gods sake, I was grown-up. It was time I made my own way. But I admit, I couldnt wait to get out of town, make a life of my own. I did the military thing, then to the State Department-was overseas for long months at a time. I didnt get home often. Just couldnt. When youre young and dumb and busy saving the world, you assume everythingll be the same when you get back. They knew I loved them. I knew they loved me. All that crap. He looked up suddenly. Hell, Im going on like a runaway train. Didnt even offer you a driOh. Well, maybe best not to offer you liquor, huh, Big Drinker?
She liked the teasing. Maybe too much. Shut up, Cord. And no, I dont need anything, alcoholic or otherwise. But you want another? She motioned to his glass.
No.
He couldnt seem to get talking again, so she pushed. Whats on the CDs?
And that set him off again, although not directly answering her question. My mom got cancer. I came home. Pretty sure I told you that before. All along, they hadnt told me what trouble Jon had been, what trouble he was into. I mean, Jon was born a handful, but I didnt know how bad things had gotten until I got home, and then I could see my parents weregray. Gray with worry, gray with fear. Not drugs. That was one thing they didnt seem to be afraid he was doing. But JonHe was so good-looking, so full of charm that he always seemed to squeeze out of trouble. He never wanted to think he was like everyone else. He didnt want to work. He didnt want responsibility. Yet he wanted something all the time. As if some kind of hunger was eating him up from the inside. Nothing respectable ever seemed to ring his chimes.
When Cord again fell silent, Sophie figured the elephant in the room had been ignored for long enough. So its porn on the CDs?
The way he looked at her was answer enough. And then he sprang to his feet as if he couldnt sit still any longer. Caviar ambled in and crouched down by the fireplace, his eyes at a lazy half-mast, but Sophie thought the old tom had adopted Cord. Or maybe battered males just tended to stick together, who knew?
Cord prowled the room like a scarred-up old cougar, punching a button here, a switch therea mistake to do in his brothers living room, where out of nowhere firelight or sexy music or sexy dim lights could suddenly change the landscape.
He switched off whatever he switched on, but it was obvious he wasnt paying attention. And though Sophie listened to his words, she paid the most attention to his body language and expressions. He hated it, she thought. Pride was the problem. He hated talking about issues that shamed him, that ripped open his sense of honor-at least as he saw it.
You know, I wouldnt give a damn if it were just porn. The first CD I came across, I just thought the film was, you know, lovers, playing games, filming each other. Lovers do such things. Not up to me to be their judge and jury. Only, damn it, this wasnt about lovers. Because each CD has a different name or initial on it. Theres HS and Janella. MM. AFB, Penny, Bel. I stopped counting, but there have to be twelve different names. None of the CDs are dated, so I dont know how old these are, what year, any information like that. The first one I saw, though-I recognized her from the news, shes one of the local anchors in the morning. Damn it, shes got two young kids.
She searched his face. As upsetting as this is, Cordnone of this is your shame or your blame. Its on your brother. And on the women he got involved with.
I just dont get how he turned out socrooked. Maybe if Id been here more-
You were the younger brother, right?
Yeah, but I was always stronger than him. And when I left, I was thinking about myself, my life, not what my parents were left to cope with. He was out of control a long, long time ago. He ran a hand through his hair. Another face on a CD was someone in the Defense Department. Not high up, but still, hell, if he was blackmailing her, it could have been for more than money. The whole thing is-
Slowly she stood up, not sure what she intended, but driven by some primal female instinct. It didnt take brilliant intuition to know, positively, that Cord didnt do emotional spills. He didnt live the kind of life where he ever expected to find himself knee-deep in muck, at least this kind of unethical, ugly muck. It wasnt his fault; it wasnt his doing, but responsibility still showed in every forehead crease, every pinch around his eyes, every stiff-shouldered movement.
She knew about that.
She knew about feeling alone, about being alone, about trying to build a shell around herself so thick that hurt couldnt get through.
She knew about wading through mud, trying to find a way that would make sense, willing to do anything, to be anything, to turn herself into someone else, if thats what it took to survive.
Cord frowned and stopped prowling around the room when he noticed her silently walking toward him.