He wanted to pull her in his arms so bad he could taste it, but some internal instinct stopped him. Hed pulled her into his arms before. It hadnt brought them closer together; it seemed to make her even warier. Camille treated concern as if it were a poison she could choke on. Still, he wanted-needed-to understand more of what she was dealing with. The movie. I didnt realize. I thought it was just a comedy-
He wanted to pull her in his arms so bad he could taste it, but some internal instinct stopped him. Hed pulled her into his arms before. It hadnt brought them closer together; it seemed to make her even warier. Camille treated concern as if it were a poison she could choke on. Still, he wanted-needed-to understand more of what she was dealing with. The movie. I didnt realize. I thought it was just a comedy-
I know. Dont waste guilt on me, Pete. You didnt do anything wrong. I knew better than to come into town.
Well, that sounds pretty unfair. Unless you were planning on staying home forever?
No, of course not. I need to make a living. Have to find work again. And I will. I just need a little more time to get past this. Her head shot up. Do me a favor and dont suggest going to a shrink.
I wasnt going to. He might not be brilliant with women, but Pete knew when to shut up or risk being strangled.
I dont need any damn shrink to tell me Im acting like an idiot. Or why. Im not stupid.
Did I say you were? Oh, man. That belligerent chin. That fierce well of pain in her eyes. That soft skin. A mantra kept whispering through his mind with the same old refrain: Let me love you. Let me help you. Let me protect you and make sure no one ever hurts you again. But of course he couldnt make those promises-he didnt have the power. Or the right.
I can handle my own life, Pete. Just because Im having trouble doesnt mean Im incapable of fixing it.
Sheesh. Somehow she seemed to feel he was attacking her-which he wasnt, and he wanted to correct that impression, except that the show of belligerence seemed to be doing her good. Fresh color bloomed in her cheeks. Her hands had stopped shaking. And she was still talking.
Theres a reason Im taking so long to get my life back together. Its about power.
Power, he echoed, wanting to encourage her even if she wasnt making a lick of sense.
She nodded. Both my parents raised me to believe that I was powerful. Seriously. I grew up believing that I had power over my life, over what I could become, over what I could do. Most people complain about feeling insecure all the time. Not me. I wasnt raised insecure, I was raised to believe I could conquer the world-if I just worked hard and kept my nose clean and stood up for the things that mattered.
He hung his arms over his knees. That sounds exactly like how Im trying to raise my sons.
Well, dont. Because then when something happens, like when I was attacked, its like a double blow. Id never felt helpless before. Id never feltimpotent. It was as if those three men took it all away. Not just Robert, not just life as I knew it, but me. They took away me.
Again he wanted nothing more than to pull her in his arms, to love her. To shield her. The urge was so strong he almost couldnt suck it back But damnation, this wasnt about him, and what he wanted to do. It was about her. About Camille believing shed lost herself. And about a woman who spit back sympathy if you dared try to give it to her.
So youre just planning on hiding out on the farm rather than risk being any part of real life? he asked.
Pardon? She turned to him with a flash of vulnerability in her eyes.
Thats what youre saying, isnt it? That even going to a movie is too much for you to handle.
Her jaw almost dropped. I can handle it-
Well, youre out here shaking. Id hardly call that handling it. He saw the shocked look in her eyes, the sting of hurt. And pushed harder. If you werent feeling so sorry for yourself, youd be going back in the movie, proving it was no big deal.
More hurt. But those shoulders stiffened like soldiers. It isnt any big deal. Im going back in the movie right this minute. I told you. I just needed a few seconds to get some air. She bolted to her feet. And just because you caught me with my hands shaking for a second doesnt mean Im some needy little wimp. It happens. I admit that. But its happening tons less than it did. Im perfectly fine.
So you say.
Youre damn right, so I say.
She stomped to the door, discovered-no surprise-that the back exit door was locked from the outside, and then stomped all the way around the theater, into the lobby, and back into the darkened movie to the exact same seats theyd had before. She didnt speak to him through the rest of the movie. Or during the drive home either.
The boys never sensed anything was wrong. The whole ride, they never quit talking, replaying every scene and chortling over the good parts the way they always did after a movie. As Pete drove, he realized he hadnt seen how the boys related to Camille before.
Hed sensed that his sons had somehow accepted her, which was pretty darn astounding, since they hadnt had a positive word to say about a woman since their mother took off. It was both fascinating and unnerving to see how different they were with Camille-partly, it seemed, because she made no attempt to mother them or correct them or play adult with them in any sense.
He noted their behavior with Cam. Noted her behavior with them. But mostly he noticed that the air between the adults could have frozen ice cubes in a rain forest.
Hed hurt her. She hadnt expected him to say anything mean or critical. And implying she couldnt handle something always had been, likely always would be, like waving a red flag in front of a bull. At the time, he hadnt seen any other choice. Hed been trying to find a way to get to her. But Cam had put up so many fierce defenses that getting to her by any conventional means simply didnt work.
In her driveway, his headlights flashed on the snow fence shed set up for Darby, who promptly began an exuberant symphony of snarling and barking the instant the truck pulled up. Camille pushed out of the seat and vaulted down with a good-night for the boys, but noticeably no comment for him.
Hed hurt her, all right. Only it felt as if it were his own heart that had been stabbed.
As soon as the truck lights disappeared, Camille hustled in the cottage, rooted high and low until she came across the dog leash, and then hustled outside again.
Killer was still howling and snarling himself into a frenzy. Shut up, you witless dolt. Theres no one here but me. Cmere.
The dog, naturally, hated the leash. I know. I havent been making you use the leash anymore, but this is different. The fact is, I cant trust you. Im willing to take you for a walk to run off that energy, but I cant risk your running off and attacking someone. Believe me, I understand your bad temper. Im in exactly the same kind of mood. But right now, you only have two choices-a walk with the leash, or no walk.
It was hard enough to clip on the leash when the dog wasnt being rambunctious and ornery, but tonight it was dark besides. Finally she managed, but right as she was pushing to her feet, the dog licked her cheek.
I dont love you, so dont be thinking I care, Camille scolded, but Killer seemed as unimpressed with this threat as all her others. Once she unlatched the gate, he bounded beside her, ears perked high and alert, walking to her exact pace.
The long night walks had become a pattern. Shed been sleeping better ever since shed begun working in the lavender-the backbreaking work guaranteed shed fall asleep. But sometimes the ridiculous nightmares still plagued her, and then walking seemed to help. Stumbling in the dark wasnt ideal, but Killer was sure-footed, and the farm path around the acres of lavender had become a familiar route.
Since no one was around, she talked to the dog. It seemed a little saner than talking to herself. And it didnt seem to matter what she said or how mean she said it, Killer seemed to listen. In fact, the damn dog seemed to crave the sound of her voice-not that she did it for his sake.
Tonight, though, she set up a fast hiking pace and didnt talk at all. Killer, tuned to her channel, hiked and watched-with only a few breaks to tear off into the bushes and lift a leg.
The brisk walk helped Camille work up a fume. The nerve of that man! Implying she couldnt handle a movie if she wanted to! Implying she was a coward for not leaving the farm!
Pete hadnt been through what she had, for Gods sake. And for the first time in all these weeks, shed actually been trying to tell him. Not a lot. But she hadnt opened up at all since the whole thing happened, and she thought she could trust Pete. Instead, hed implied that she couldnt handle even something so little as going to a movie.
It chafed like a rug burn.
Not hurt. Camille had no intention of ever allowing her feelings so out of control that being hurt was even a possibility. But she could bechafed. And aggravated. And insulted.
The whole damn world had been nice to her since the attack. Everyone had appreciated what a terrible and unbearable thing shed been through. Everyone. And there shed shared the tiniest bit with Pete, and hed made out like she was a wimp. She was inclined towhy, she was inclined to
She promptly stumbled on a rock and nearly tripped. Not because she was clumsy, but because she glanced up and saw Pete standing on her back porch. He stood directly under the porch light, as if knowing shed tend to be afraid of anyone showing up after dark, yet she felt no fear. If she felt a shiver seep into her pulse, it was caused from something far different from fear. Although her first thought was just: Good, now shed have the chance to punch his lights out.
Killer, of course, started immediately barking-and because Camille wasnt prepared, the dog yanked the leash from her hand and tore off toward Pete, sounding like a canine version of Sylvester Stallone on a Rambo rampage.
Oh, shut up, Darby, Pete said.
The dog promptly sat down and then lay down, tongue lolling. Camille shook her head, flabbergasted at the dogs docility, but Killer couldnt hold her attention for long. Her gaze glued on Pete and wouldnt let go. What are you doing here?
Waiting for you.
Obviously. I meant why.
Because I believed what you said. That youre fine. And I had the impression you were sick and tired of people treating you as if you were going to break.