Though she tried not to, she must have made some sound because he-the stranger shed called Dad for forty years-held up a hand asking, begging her to let him continue.
Pleaseplease listen. I am not a monster. What I did, I did for what I thought were very good reasons at the time He closed his eyes and put a hand over them-she saw this through a blur of tears-and after a moment, when she hadnt spoken or fled, he heaved in a careful breath and went on.
At that time, of course, Ukraine was part of the U.S.S.R., and it was the era of Stalin. My father was a faithful member of the Party, so our family lived fairly well. Then came the war. Because of his connections, my father was able to have my mother and me sent away, to the east, to safety, so we escaped the terrible starvation and fighting that ravaged Ukraine for so many years. My father was killed during the battle for Kiev. Because he died a hero, my mother and I were well taken care of. After the war, when I was still a young boy, I was taken from my mother and sent to live in a different-very different-kind of village. I was told I had been selected for a special mission, a very rare opportunity to serve my country.
Lindsey, he said, as she sat struggling to breathestruggling to weep silently and not scream in anguished denial, you are too young to remember how it was then, at the height of the Cold War. People on both sides lived in constant fear of nuclear holocaust, and the knowledge that there were thousands of warheads pointed at our cities and that anything-even a stupid mistake-could trigger annihilation. Both sides, understanding that knowledge was power, employed vast networks of spies and agents working to provide information as to what the other side was planning, what their capabilities were-well, I guess youve seen enough movies and read enough spy thrillers, that perhaps you have some idea-even if a romanticized one-what it was like.
He paused and looked at her as if waiting for her confirmation. No longer crying, she only stared back at him in numb silence, and after a moment he went on.
Anyway-this village where I was now to live was, in fact, a top secret project in this war for information. It had been constructed as an exact replica of a small town in the American Midwest, although it was located somewhere in the vast interior of the Soviet Union. There I lived and went to school-as an American boy. I learned to speak American English perfectly, without the slightest trace of an accent. In school I studied American history and government and literature. I ate American food, played American games, watched American movies, read American books. I becameAmerican-but only on the outside. In my heart I remained a loyal Soviet citizen, completely dedicated to my countrys cause.
By the mid-1950s, when I was nearly twenty, I had completed my training and was considered ready to fulfill my mission. I, along with others who had completed the program-I have no idea how many of us there were-was smuggled into the United States, where I slipped seamlessly into American life. I had been provided with a background, all necessary documents. All I had to do was wait to be contacted and told what my mission was to be. In the meantime, I went to school, got a job, dated-but didnt marry. That would have made it too hard to keep my secret, I thought. And the years went by.
Then, in the late summer of 1969, I received the orders I had been waiting for.
He paused for a long time, and Lindsey could feel him looking at her. When she didnt raise her eyes from her hands, clasped tightly together on the tabletop, once again he drew a breath and went on.
I was to go to Baltimore, where I was toeliminate-
Eliminate-you mean kill, dont you?
He glanced at her, startled, perhaps, that she had finally spoken. Yes-killtwo people. I was told these people were traitors to their country. Agents who had turned, gone over to the enemy.
Traitors! Her cry was one of pain, of outrage. What are you talking about? He was a schoolteacher! She was a housewife-a mother. They werent spies!
A spasm of emotion twisted his face, before he lifted a hand to cover it. What the emotion was she didnt know or care-she had no desire to understand him, just then. Yesyes, he said in a ragged voice, I know. But by the time I found that out, you seeit was already too late.
Youre not gonna like this, Carl said. His voice came through on Alans Bluetooth, with too much background noise.
Tell me, Alan said, eyes fixed grimly on the traffic ahead.
The guys sitting on Merrill just informed me he has a visitor-arrived about forty-five minutes ago.
Alan swore. And theyre just telling us this now?
Guess they were told to report on Merrills movements, so thats what they did. Anyway, from the description, sure sounds like Lindsey. Who else would it be? There was a long, empty pause, while Alan fought back all sorts of emotions, none of them familiar to him, the most prominent of which was fear. Then Carl said, What do you want me to do? Should I tell em to go in?
No. God, no. The last thing we want to do is provoke a hostage situation. Nojust tell em to sit tight. Im on my way.
His car was equipped with emergency lights and siren, which he didnt use often. He switched them both on now.
I had no way of knowing, Richard-or Alexi-said. Sometime between when I was told where to find my targets, and my arrival in Baltimore, they fled. And another young couple-innocents-moved into their apartment. How was I to know? They were the same approximate agefit the general description
They had a child!
He hesitated, then seemed to steel himself. That was unfortunate, but I didnt consider it important. After all, Id been raised in a culture in which the bonds of family, even between parents and children, were considered less important than dutyloyalty to country. I had lived in America long enough to know the boy would be taken care of, perhaps even grow up stronger because of it. No, he wasnt a consideration to me at all. He waved a hand, then sat for a long moment gazing across the barrancas, disappearing now in the purple haze of sunset.
Most of the restI think you probably already know. Everything was in place-the boat, the weights to take the bodies down
The bodiesmy parents. Lindsey sat still, crying quietly. She felt empty.
Everything went like clockwork. I waitedtook them when they were away from home, and there were no witnesses. They seemed more bewildered than afraid
The words went on and on, falling on her ears like raindrops on windowpanesshe heard them, but they couldnt reach her.
I cant let them reach me. It would be unbearable, too terrible to imagineto feel what it must have been like for them. To be taken, to know at last that they were going to die, and not to know why.
Oh, how she wished she could stop the words. Wished she could press Pause, then Rewindgo back to the day before shed walked into the San Diego Police Department headquarters, back to before shed met a homicide detective named Alan Cameron.
When I saw the newspaperswhen I knew shed somehow survived, I went to the hospital. I went there to kill her, not only because she could identify me, but because it was my mission. I was a soldier, and I had to finish the task I had been ordered to do. But when she didnt know me at alland I found out she was pregnant He lifted his hands, held them out in a gesture of entreaty. What was I supposed to do? I couldnt justify killing a child. And thenI found out-my control, the voice I only knew from the telephone, told me-I had made a terrible mistake and that she-they-werent the people I was supposed to kill. So I ran. I cut my ties to my country, my duty. I took her away with me, and I prayed her memory would never come back. I grew to love her, and you, her child. You became my child. And for forty years I have tried to atone for what I did. I dont ask you to forgive me, Lindsey, only maybe to-
Forgive you? Her voice was a whisper; she felt as though all the air had been sucked from her lungs. She recoiled from him, closing her eyes tightly, trying to shut out the images hed imprinted on her brain.
So, she didnt see him go. Only heard the soft sigh of an exhalation, like a surrender.
Okay, sweetheart, he said quietly, and it was her dads voice again. I understand.
She sat hunched in her chair with one arm pressed across her stomach, the other hand over her mouth, holding back howls of anguish, and listened to the patio door slide open. Listened to footsteps crossing the tile kitchen floor. Heard the door to his office openthen close.
Forgive you? Her voice was a whisper; she felt as though all the air had been sucked from her lungs. She recoiled from him, closing her eyes tightly, trying to shut out the images hed imprinted on her brain.
So, she didnt see him go. Only heard the soft sigh of an exhalation, like a surrender.
Okay, sweetheart, he said quietly, and it was her dads voice again. I understand.
She sat hunched in her chair with one arm pressed across her stomach, the other hand over her mouth, holding back howls of anguish, and listened to the patio door slide open. Listened to footsteps crossing the tile kitchen floor. Heard the door to his office openthen close.
She didnt know what made her rise, cold with nameless fear, and dash into the house. Or how long it was after that-secondsminutes-when she heard the gunshot.
Alan was pulling onto Merrills street. Hed just reported his position and ETA to his partner when he heard Carls radio, the sound coming through clearly on the hands-free cell phone transmission:
Shots fired! Shots fired!
Carl swore. Did you-
I heard. Alan dropped the phone onto the seat and stepped on the gas.
Hed never been crazy about the so-called adrenaline rush-not like some thrill junkies he knew-but he was glad to have it kick in now. Knew it was what made him able to function as a police officer while on another level, one completely separate from the trained cop, he was just an ordinary man and more terrified than hed ever been before in his life. Fear knotted his belly and hollowed his chest, but his hands were steady on the wheel as he aimed the car into the driveway of Richard Merrills house, and screeched it to a halt. They were steady as he drew his weapon from its holster. He got out of the car and his voice was firm and clear as he shouted at the two uniforms who were dashing up the street toward him.