Uh-uh, Alan said, you called me. You go first.
Her heart was pounding. She thought, This is silly. Im being silly. I dont know if its any help. It probably isnt.
Why dont you tell me and let me decide?
She took a breath, closed her eyes and said, Snow.
Snow?
I told you. Its probably nothing. My mother says she remembers Jimmy liked to play in the snow. At first, I thought, at least that tells us it wasnt in San Diego. But then I realized, you can drive a couple of hours from here and be in snow. Ive played in the snow. So maybe
Yeah, he said. He sounded distracted, and again Lindsey thought, Stupid, stupid. Im wasting his time. Then he said, Look, I need to talk to you. How about if I meet you somewhere?
A breath gusted through her like a freshening wind off the ocean, chilling her, but at the same time filling her with what could only be described as joy. She tried to believe the cause was the thought that he must have found some information on her mothers memories, but she knew it wasnt only that. She wasnt in the habit of kidding herself. This thing she was feeling, this junior high school excitement, or whatever it was, was because she was going to see Alan again.
Demoralizing, she thought, for a forty-year-old businesswoman who should certainly know better. She was being ridiculous and in grave danger of making a fool of herself. She had to get a grip, now.
The silence on the phone had lasted no more than a moment. Tell you what, she said, and was pleased and a little surprised at how calm and adult her voice sounded. Im about to go for a run. Why dont you meet me at Sunset Cliffs Park? By the time you get there I should be about finished. There, she thought. That should demonstrate that she wasnt falling all over herself to accommodate him.
And, she thought, a brisk run along the cliffs should give her a chance to expend some nervous energy and get her head on straight. A good dose of endorphins was just what she needed.
Her heart lurched into her throat as she realized hed said something that hadnt registered. What? she asked, feeling rattled again.
Where, exactly? Thats a mile and a half of cliffs.
Uh, okay, how about the little parking lot just north of the rock where the peace sign used to be. Do you know the one-
I know it well, Alan said. Im on my way.
The sun was setting when Alan pulled into the postage stamp of a parking lot wedged between Sunset Cliffs Boulevard and the cliffs edge. After parking and turning off the motor, for a few moments he just sat in his car, taking in the spectacle of the sun setting into the Pacific Ocean, missing the dark silhouette of the peace sign that had once-briefly-graced the top of the forty-foot rock formation, before mysteriously disappearing one January night. Too bad, he thought. Somehow, maybe, that universal symbol of peace and brotherhood would have helped to cancel out some of the ugliness of his weekend.
He got out of his car, then realized the ocean breeze had grown chilly with the going of the sun and took his jacket out of the backseat and put it on. Leaning against the car with his back to the fading sunset, he watched joggers chugging past on the dirt pathway that wound along the cliffs. Anticipation raced under his skin, ebbing and flowing like the waves beating against the rocks far below as each runner hove into view, then drew close enough for him to see it wasnt the one he was waiting for. When he did finally see the lone figure bobbing toward him, coming from the south, he knew her instantly, even in silhouette against the lavender sky.
She was wearing sweats and a tank top, and had a warmup jacket tied around her waist by its arms. She was also wearing a sun visor, which she took off as she veered into the parking lot, leaving a sweatband in place, stark white against her dark hair.
She slowed to a walk and her face broke into a smile. Hi-been waiting long?
The smile had accomplished, it seemed, what the sunset and the missing peace sign hadnt been able to, because he found himself wearing a smile, too, and there was a lightness in his heart for no particular reason he could think of.
He shook his head, then nodded toward the two other cars in the lot. Which ones yours?
Neither. She wiped sweat from her face with a dangling sleeve of the warm-up jacket, seemingly only a little winded from her run. I live about half a mile north of here. I usually run down to the stairs at the southern end of the park and back, which is about three miles. If I want a longer run, I go to Pacific Beach or Mission Bay.
Lucky you, Alan said. He nodded toward the darkening cliffs, and the sea still gilded with the remains of the sunset. This is one of my favorite places. I bring Chelse here sometimes. You know-to explore the caves and tidepools.
She untied the warm-up jacket, then gave him a startled look when he took it from her and held it for her so she could slip her arms into the sleeves. So close to her he could feel the moist heat rising from her body, he felt her shiver suddenly.
Why dont we sit in the car out of the wind, he said. You dont want to get chilled.
She nodded, and he opened the passenger-side door, waited for her to settle into the seat, then closed the door and went around and got behind the wheel. He closed the door and the dusk and the quiet and an unexpected sense of intimacy enveloped them. And for a moment, for some reason, he couldnt think what hed come to say.
Lindsey stared through the windshield at the darkening sky, listening to the thumping of her own heart. Other than that, the silence seemed profound, and she thought, This is weird. One of us has to say something. And felt herself on the edge of panic, unable to think of anything.
But then, miraculously, she heard herself say, in that blessedly calm and grown-up voice that came from she knew not where, What was it you wanted to tell me? The reason you wanted to meet me.
Instead of answering her question, he looked at her and said abruptly, Tell me more about the snow.
There isnt any more. Just that. She shrugged. Mom said Jimmy loved to play in the snow. That she would dress him in his snowsuit and he looked like a fat little penguin. She looked at him expectantly, and her heart continued to beat too fast.
He let out a hissing breath and for a few long moments, just stared out at the ocean and sky. Finally, he glanced over at her, and in the remaining light she could see the frown on his face. Before she got sick, did your mother ever talk about her childhood? When she was a girl? Did she have any photographs? Mementos? High school yearbooks?
Her stomach gave a queer little lurch. She looked at him for a moment, then shook her head and looked away. I used to ask about that. Mom would just laugh and make some general remarks about being a bookworm, not very popular-which I always thought hard to believe, since she was- she caught a quick, painful breath -so beautiful. If I pressed her for more details, she would get upset and sort of look to my dad for help. So She paused again, this time to clear her throat, to give a small laugh of apology. Im sorry, she said, I didnt think this was going to be so hard.
He nodded and murmured something encouraging, and after a moment she went on.
Anyway, one day he took me aside and explained that there had been a house fire when my mother was still in her teens and that everything was lost, including both her parents. Mom was injured-she has a scar on one side of her head. The way she wears her hair, you cant see it at all. Dad says theres a lot she doesnt remember about her childhood. So, naturally, it was upsetting for her to talk about. After that She shrugged.
After that, shed never asked again. But she remembered still the feeling of walls going up and doors slamming shut. She almost told Alan about that, and about the nightmares shed had for a long time after, of watching her mother slide away from her down a long, long corridor, growing smaller and smaller, until she could barely see her, and crying out to her to come back, and feeling bereft, like a small child abandoned in the woods. Shed never told anyone, not even her husband, about that dream, or the loneliness shed felt then. What would make her think this man, a police detective with a hard face and sharp eyes, might understand?
Why? Her voice was harsh because of the ache in her throat.
Instead of answering, he muttered, That could explain it. He sounded distracted, distant, and the impulse to bare her soul to him vanished like smoke. Maybe.
He was silent for a moment, then abruptly shifted in his seat, turning so he almost faced her, left arm draped across the steering wheel. You wanted to know what Ive found out so far. The truth is, precious little. In fact, Lindsey, according to public records, your mother, Susan Merrill, didnt exist before roughly forty years ago when she appeared in San Diego as the wife of Richard Merrill.
Chapter 4
The manwas very protective of her. He tried always to put his body between his wife and my gun. As if flesh could stop bullets.
Excerpt from the confession of Alexi K.
FBI Files, Restricted Access,
The manwas very protective of her. He tried always to put his body between his wife and my gun. As if flesh could stop bullets.
Excerpt from the confession of Alexi K.
FBI Files, Restricted Access,
Declassified 2010
I dont understand, Lindsey said. She felt sick. What do you mean, she didnt exist? How is that possible?
Not literally, of course, just according to public record.
But, I told you, there was a fire-
And that could explain it, Alan said, cutting her off. But it was plain to her that it didnt explain it, not to his satisfaction.
Anger filled her, although she didnt know quite where to direct it; shed asked for this herself, after all. What about my dad? she asked, keeping her voice under tight control. I know theres stuff about him. Ive seen it.
Oh, sure there is. Birth certificate says he was born in a little town somewhere in Nebraska.
She nodded, fidgety now with a nervous excitement she couldnt account for. Yes-thats where he grew up. He played high school sports-mostly football, I think. He was even student body president, prom king-the whole thing. Ive seen his yearbook, she added with an emphasis that bordered on belligerent.