A climax of such towering perfection, such unendurable sweetness that it made her weep for joy, broke over them. Johns eyes went clear and quiet, as serene now as they had been stormy moments before.
He felt it, too.
For just a moment, an unforgettable instant out of time, the two of them had touched heaven.
Tears rolled silently down her cheeks, unchecked. Thank you, she whispered.
A faint frown flitted across the stillness of his face and then was gone. For what? Im the one who should be thanking you.
For giving me that gift. Ill never forget it.
He didnt ask what gift she was referring to, and she saw understanding in his eyes. It had been that special a moment for him, too. A perfect moment. Not a bad one to go out on, she supposed.
Too overwhelmed, frankly just too wiped out by it all to summon an ounce of anger, she accepted the inevitable. John was going to do what he was going to do, and it wasnt her fault. Shed given him joy. Shed given him love. Shed given him acceptance. There was nothing more she could offer him. If those werent enough for him to live for, then he was truly not going to be swayed from his planned path.
And shockingly enough, she could live with that. She didnt like it, but he wasnt going to drag her down with him.
Reality came crashing back in on her with a thunderclap of realization in her head that made her reel. She was planning to do the same thing he was! By a different method, and for vastly different reasons, but she, too, was bent on throwing away her life-which at this late date had turned out to be a pretty wonderful and precious thing indeed, thanks to John.
I get it now, she breathed.
Get what?
What youve been talking about when you accused me of throwing my life away thoughtlessly. Youre right. I didnt realize it until just now. I was so blinded by my need to save my family that I didnt look past Huayars demand that I sacrifice myself to him.
John stared at her in open shock. Are you backing out of this crazy scheme, then? he asked hopefully.
She frowned up at him. I cant abandon my family. I wont abandon them. But I am willing to listen to other options.
Finally, he breathed in profound relief. He drew his sleeping bag over them both, and settled back to stare up at the tarp a foot over their heads in the dim, gray light of dawn. Here are your choices.
She settled against his shoulder, suddenly eager to hear his plan and desperate to find a way to save her family and stay alive.
First, you can make the trade as Huayar has proposed. You walk into his camp, he releases your family, you stay with him and teach him how to make this new drug. Maybe you stick around long enough to help set up and even manage his lab for a while before he kills you. But at the end of the day, he kills you. And then he kills your family. Hell never leave them hanging around in the long term, possibly knowing what he looks like. Bottom line, youll all die, and Huayar gets his drug formula.
She winced at hearing her original plan and its inevitable conclusion laid out so baldly. Shed never really thought past getting her family released to what would happen next.
Second choice, you and I mount some sort of covert rescue op to see if we can pull out your family and not hand you over to Huayar at all. I have to be honest with you. The odds of us succeeding are not high. Huayars men know what theyre doing, and their security is tight. Not airtight, mind you, but definitely tight.
She nodded, wincing.
Behind door number three, we have some sort of hybrid plan between these two.
Like what?
He shrugged. We maybe let you walk into Huayars camp and use your presence there as a distraction while I go in from the back and try to free your family. Then, once Ive got them clear of the camp, I come back for you.
What are the odds on that scheme?
He exhaled heavily. Not that great. If your family gets away but you stay in Huayars custody, hell try to cut his losses and force you into giving him the drug formula at a minimum. Then, hes likely to come after your family again and try to recapture them.
She shuddered. Does there happen to be another choice?
John was silent for a long time. Yeah. Theres another option.
Which is? she demanded impatiently.
I walk into Huayars camp and offer myself as a hostage in your familys place. They get released, and he uses me as leverage to keep you in line and get you to cough up the formula.
She frowned. But isnt the point not to give him the formula?
He nodded grimly. You wont hand over the formula. Youll let him do whatever he wants to me, and you wont give him the formula. Huayar doesnt know Im prepared and, in fact, planning to die. Hell assume he can torture and mutilate me, and youll buckle and give him what he wants.
But John- she started to exclaim.
He clapped a hand over her mouth. Keep your voice down, he snapped.
She nodded her understanding and he pulled his palm away from her face. But John! she exclaimed under her breath. I cant let you hand yourself over to him like that! Hell do horrible things to you!
John nodded, his chin lightly rubbing her hair.
No way, she declared forcefully, if quietly.
Its the best option. Your family gets away, Huayar doesnt get the formula right away. Itll give my buddies time to get there and rescue you. If you need to, you can buy more time by giving him fake formulas or claiming to need to perfect the formula youve got.
But I do need to perfect it-
He cut her off gently. I can probably hold out for two days. Maybe three. Youll only need to buy a day or two more before my buddies get here in quantity and pull you out. Five days. If you can just stay alive for that long, you should walk out of this thing alive, along with your family. I get my fitting ending, and you all get your lives back.
She didnt stop to think about what she was doing. She balled up her fist and jammed it into his gut as hard as she could. He jerked up off the ground, grunting in surprise and pain.
Whatd you do that for? he complained.
I told you to quit making stupid remarks about deserving to die, she groused back.
Unaccountably, he unfolded from around her fist, stretching back out beneath her. His body began to shake suspiciously. She frowned for a moment and then realized he was laughing. Whether it was out of despair or actual humor, she couldnt tell. But either way, it was better than his calm, cool, controlled martyr act.
Im telling you, Mel, this is the best option. Ill pop a big bottle of pain pills before I go. Even without the pills, I can take a world of pain. Its part of my Special Forces training. I can buy your family days to get away from here before Huayar realizes hes made a mistake. Ill have the guys from Pirate Petes pick your family up. They have connections and can arrange for you and your family to go far, far away and get new identities, new lives.
Youre asking me to hand you over to a madman to let him do his worst to you.
He shrugged. Death is death. The means isnt all that critical.
She closed her eyes. How could a moment of such perfection degenerate into this so fast? Could she seriously allow John to throw himself upon his sword for her? Could she bear to let him be tortured and mutilated, undoubtedly before her eyes? No matter that he was volunteering for the job, could she let another human being die for her?
Chapter 13
John stared deep into Melinas eyes, a little stunned himself that he was making the offer. A year ago, hed never have dreamed that he could find himself in this situation. Hed always known on an intellectual level that there were principles and beliefs worth dying for. And hed discovered in the past eight months that there were certain events, even certain feelings, that made death preferable to going on living.
But hed never, ever dreamed hed meet a woman hed be willing to die for, no questions asked, no hesitation, no doubts in his mind.
Was this love?
The question exploded across his mind, a comet burning bright across the black landscape of his soul. The answer followed immediately, as sure and clear as his willingness to give his life for Melina. How could it be anything else? He loved her. With every fiber of his being. Beyond all reason, without reservations, heart and soul. She knew the worst of him, and had seen his devastating weakness and fatal flaws. Shed gazed into the darkest corners of his soul, and not only had she not flinched, but shed dared to like him, maybe even to love him a little. The sheer humanity of her acceptance of him as he was took his breath away. She was an extraordinary woman. How could he not love her?
He didnt relish the idea of being tortured to death, and he had faith that Huayar would make him suffer to a degree he couldnt even begin to imagine. After all, the guy was famed as an artiste at inflicting pain. But to submit himself to Huayar for Melina? Shockingly, he embraced the opportunity to show her his love.
She interrupted his train of thought. John, what are you trying to do by martyring yourself for me? Is this about redemption? About allowing yourself to be punished for living when your men died?
He frowned up at her. He wished there were more light to see her by. As it was, her face was a collage of shifting gray shadows. Full dawn was still several minutes away. A few days ago, it would have been about that. But now
She propped herself up on his chest and stared down at him intently in the gray half-light. Now what?
Now, he paused, searching for the right words. Now, it will be a gift. From me to you. Youre the most incredible woman Ive ever met. Youve given me peace, and thats the greatest gift you could possibly have given me. I want to repay you. Give you something back. Something of great worth. If I can give you your family, then my death-as gruesome and painful as it might be-will have been well worth it.
She stared in disbelief. So youre telling me you want to die to show me how much you care for me?
No. I want to give you my life to show you how much I love you.
She lurched and he had to grab onto her and hang on tightly to keep her from heedlessly leaping to her feet and destroying their shelter.