Praise for Heather Gudenkauf and The Weight of Silence
The Weight of Silence is a tense and profoundly emotional story of a parents worst nightmare, told with compassion and honesty. Heather Gudenkauf skillfully weaves an explosive tale of suspense and ultimately, the healing power of love.
Susan Wiggs, #1 New York Times bestselling author
Deeply moving and exquisitely lyrical, this is a powerhouse of a debut novel. Heather Gudenkauf is one of those rare writers who can tell a tale with the skill of a poet while simultaneously cranking up the suspense until its unbearable.
Tess Gerritsen, New York Times bestselling author of The Keepsake
In her debut novel, Heather Gudenkauf masterfully explores the intricate dynamics of families, and the power that silence and secrets hold on them. When you begin this book, be sure you have the time to finish it because, like me, you will have to read straight through to its bittersweet conclusion.
Ann Hood, author of the novel The Knitting Circle and the memoir Comfort: A Journey Through Grief
The Weight of Silence is a thoroughly enjoyable read, and kept me involved throughout. Id especially like to congratulate Gudenkauf on her police procedures, which are spot-on; and the Deputy Sheriff, who was, to me, very believable and true to his character. Absolutely recommended.
Don Harstad, bestselling author
The WEIGHT of Silence
Heather Gudenkauf
For my parents, Milton and Patricia Schmida
There is no one who comes here that does not know this is a true map of the world, with you there in the center, making home for us all.
Brian Andreas
PROLOGUE
Antonia
Louis and I see you nearly at the same time. In the woods, through the bee trees whose heavy, sweet smell will forever remind me of this day, I see flashes of your pink summer nightgown that you wore to bed last night. My chest loosens and I am shaky with relief. I scarcely notice your scratched legs, muddy knees, or the chain in your hand. I reach out to gather you in my arms, to hold you so tight, to lay my cheek on your sweaty head. I will never wish for you to speak, never silently beg you to talk. You are here. But you step past me, not seeing me, you stop at Louiss side, and I think, You dont even see me, its Louiss deputy sheriffs uniform, good girl, thats the smart thing to do. Louis lowers himself toward you, and I am fastened to the look on your face. I see your lips begin to arrange themselves and I know, I know. I see the word form, the syllables hardening and sliding from your mouth with no effort. Your voice, not unsure or hoarse from lack of use but clear and bold. One word, the first in three years. In an instant I have you in my arms and I am crying, tears dropping many emotions, mostly thankfulness and relief, but tears of sorrow mixed in. I see Petras father crumble. Your chosen word doesnt make sense to me. But it doesnt matter, I dont care. You have finally spoken.
CALLI
Calli stirred in her bed. The heat of a steamy, Iowa August morning lay thick in her room, hanging sodden and heavy about her. She had kicked off the white chenille bedspread and sheets hours earlier, her pink cotton nightgown now bunched up around her waist. No breeze was blowing through her open, screened window. The moon hung low and its milky light lay supine on her floor, a dim, inadequate lantern. She awoke, vaguely aware of movement downstairs below her. Her father preparing to go fishing. Calli heard his solid, certain steps, so different from her mothers quick, light tread, and Bens hesitant stride. She sat up among the puddle of bedclothes and stuffed animals, her bladder uncomfortably full, and squeezed her legs together, trying to will the urge to use the bathroom to retreat. Her home had only one bathroom, a pink-tiled room nearly half-filled with the scratched-up white claw-foot bathtub. Calli did not want to creep down the creaky steps, past the kitchen where her father was sure to be drinking his bitter-smelling coffee and putting his tackle box in order. The pressure on her bladder increased and Calli shifted her weight, trying to think of other things. She spotted her stack of supplies for the coming second-grade school year: brightly colored pencils, still long and flat-tipped; slim, crisp-edged folders; smooth rubber-scented pink erasers; a sixty-four-count box of crayons (the supply list called for a twenty-four count box, but Mom knew that this just would not do); and four spiral-bound notebooks, each a different color.
School had always been a mixture of pleasure and pain for Calli. She loved the smell of school, the dusty smell of old books and chalk. She loved the crunch of fall leaves beneath her new shoes as she walked to the bus stop, and she loved her teachers, every single one. But Calli knew that adults would gather in school conference rooms to discuss her: principal, psychologists, speech and language clinicians, special education and regular education teachers, behavior disorder teachers, school counselors, social workers. Why wont Calli speak? Calli knew there were many phrases used to try to describe hermentally challenged, autistic, on the spectrum, oppositional defiant, a selective mute. She was, in fact, quite bright. She could read and understand books several grade levels above her own.
In kindergarten, Miss Monroe, her energetic, first-year teacher whose straight brown hair and booming bass voice belied her pretty sorority girl looks, thought that Calli was just shy. Callis name didnt come up to the Solution-Focus Education Team until December of Callis kindergarten year. And that didnt occur until the school nurse, Mrs. White, after handing Calli a clean pair of socks, underwear and sweatpants for the second time in one week, discovered an unsettling pattern in Callis visits to the health office.
Didnt you tell anyone you needed to use the restroom, Calli? Mrs. White asked in her low, kind voice.
No response, just Callis usual wide-eyed, flat expression gazing back at her.
Go on into the restroom and change your clothes, Calli, the nurse instructed. Make sure to wash yourself the best that you can. Flipping through her meticulous log documenting the date and time of each childs visit to the health office, the ailment noted in her small, tight scriptsore throats, bellyaches, scratches, bee stings. Callis name was notated nine times since August 29, the first day of school. Next to each entry the initials UAfor Urinary Accident. Mrs. White turned to Miss Monroe, who had escorted Calli to the office.
Michelle, this is Callis ninth bathroom accident this school year. Mrs. White paused, allowing Miss Monroe to respond. Silence. Does she go when the other kids do?
I dont know, Miss Monroe replied, her voice tumbling under the bathroom door to where Calli was stepping out of her soiled clothing. Im not sure. She gets plenty of chances to goand she can always ask.
Well, Im going to call her mom and recommend that she take Calli to the doctor, see if all this isnt just a bladder infection or something else, Mrs. White responded in her cool, efficient manner that few questioned. Meanwhile, let her use the restroom whenever she wants, send her in anyway, even if she doesnt need to.
Okay, but she can always ask. Miss Monroe turned and retreated.
Calli silently stepped from the office restroom garbed in a dry pair of pink sweatpants that pooled around her feet and sagged at her rear. In one hand she held a plastic grocery sack that contained her soaked Strawberry Shortcake underwear, jeans, socks and pink-and-white tennis shoes. The index finger of her other hand absently twirled her chestnut-colored hair.
Mrs. White bent down to Callis eye level. Do you have gym shoes to put on, Calli?
Calli looked down at her toes, now clad in dingy, office-issued athletic socks so worn she could see the peachy flesh of her big toe and the Vamp Red nail polish her mother had dabbed on each pearly toenail the night before.
Calli, Mrs. White repeated, do you have gym shoes to put on?
Calli regarded Mrs. White, pursed her thin lips together and nodded her head.
Okay, Calli, Mrs. Whites voice took on a tender tone. Go put on your shoes and put the bag in your book bag. Im going to call your mother. Now, youre not in trouble. I see youve had several accidents this year. I just want your mom to be aware, okay?
Mrs. White carefully searched Callis winter-kissed face. Callis attention was then drawn to the vision eye chart and its ever-shrinking letters on the wall of the institutional-white health office.
After the Solution-Focus Team of educators met and tested Calli and reviewed the data, there appeared to be nothing physically wrong with her. Options were discussed and debated, and after several weeks it was decided to teach her the American Sign Language sign for bathroom and other key words, have her meet weekly with the school counselor, and patiently wait for Calli to speak. They continued to wait.
Calli climbed out of bed, carefully picked up each of her new school supplies and laid out the items on her small pine desk as she planned to in her new desk in her classroom on the first day of second grade. Big things on the bottom, small things on top, pencils and pens stowed neatly away in her new green pencil case.
The need to urinate became an ache, and she considered relieving herself in her white plastic trash can beside her desk, but knew she would not be able to clean it without her mother or Ben noticing. If her mother found a pool of pee in her wastebasket, Calli knew she would fret endlessly as to what was going on inside her head. Never-ending yes-no questions would follow. Was someone in the bathroom and you couldnt wait? Were you playing a game with Petra? Are you mad at me, Calli? She also considered climbing out her second-story window down the trellis, now tangled with white moonflowers as big as her hand. She discounted this idea, as well. She wasnt sure how to remove the screen, and if her mother caught her midclimb she would be of a mind to nail Callis window shut and Calli loved having her window open at night. On rainy evenings Calli would press her nose to the screen, feel the bounce of raindrops against her cheeks, and smell the dusty sunburned grass as it swallowed the newly fallen rain. Calli did not want her mother to worry more than she did not want to have her fathers attention drawn to her as she made her way down the stairs to use the bathroom.