Travelling with Gowers Show was a different life. We never lingered in any one place because Robert had found a friend or had taken a fancy to a town. We moved fast and we moved regularly, every three days or sooner if the crowds showed any signs of slackening. We only stayed longer if we were working alongside a big fair which could pull crowds from miles and miles about. But at the end of October the season of the fairs was waning and the weather was getting colder. In the mornings I had to break the ice on the water buckets and the stallion had a blanket strapped on him at night.
Last week this week, Robert said when we stopped for dinner. Jack and I had been practising our bareback riding and for the first time I had stood without him holding me, though I still needed to keep a tight grip on the strap.
Last week for what? Dandy asked. She was slicing bread and she did not look up as she spoke.
Last week on the road, Robert said, as if everyone knew already. Well go into winter quarters next week. Down at my house at Warminster. Then well really start to work.
Warminster? I said blankly. I didnt know you had a house at Warminster.
Lots you dont know, Robert said cordially through a hunk of bread and cheese. You dont know what youll be doing next season yet. Nor does she, he said indicating Dandy with a wave of bread and a wink to her. Lots of ideas. Lots of plans.
Is the barn ready? Jack asked him.
Aye, Robert said with satisfaction. And the man is coming to teach us about the rigging and how the act is done. He says hell stay for two months, but Ive got him on a bonus to teach the two of you quicker. He says two months are enough to start someone off if theyve got the knack for it.
For what? I demanded, unable to contain my curiosity.
Lots you dont know, Robert said slyly. He took a great bite of bread and cheese. Gowers Amazing Aerial Show, he said muffled. See the Horses and the Daring Bareback Riders! Thrill to the Dazzling Aerial Display! Laugh at the Pierrot and the Wonderhorse Dancing! See the Flying Ballerina! Gowers Flying Riding Show All the Elements in One Great Show!
Elements? I queried.
Fire, he said, pointing the crust of bread at me. Thats you, jumping through a blazing hoop. Air: thats Dandy, she and Jack are going to train as a trapeze act. Earth is the horses and Water I dont know yet. But Ill think of something.
A trapeze act! Dandy slumped down in her seat and I looked quickly at her. My own head was pounding in fright at the thought of her being up high and swinging from some perilous rope. But her eyes were shining. And I get a short costume! she exclaimed.
One that shows your pretty legs! Robert confirmed, smiling at her. Dandy, my girl, you were born a whore!
With sequins, she stipulated.
Is it safe? I interrupted. How will she ever learn to do it?
Weve got the act from Bristol coming to stay with us. Hell teach Dandy, and Jack as well, how its done. Youll learn too, my girl, see if we can conquer that fear of yours. An act with two girls up on the swings would be grand.
The mouthful I had just swallowed came up from my belly into my throat again and I choked and retched and then pushed away from the table and bolted for the door. I was sick outside, vomiting the bread and cheese under the front wheel. I waited until I was steady and then I came in again, white faced, to where they were waiting, staring at me in amazement.
Were you sick at the thought of it? Robert demanded. He was so stunned he had forgotten to eat and was still holding his bread in mid air. Was that it, lass? Or are you ill?
I am not ill, I said. The metalic slick in my mouth made me swallow and reach for my mug of small ale. Im not ill in myself, I said. But the thought of having to go up high on one of those things does make me ill. I am sick with fright.
Jack looked at me with interest. Well thats an odd thing, he said unsympathetically. Id never have thought Meridon was nervy. But shes as missish as a lady.
Leave her be, Dandy said calmly. You leave her be, Robert. Im happy to learn how to do it. And if I am doing the Aerial Act youll need Meridon to do the horses. She cant do both.
Maybe not, Robert said half convinced. And if the worst comes to the worst I could always buy a poorhouse girl and have her trained.
I gulped again, thinking of the girl straight out of the workhouse in conditions worse than a prison and up a ladder to swing on a trapeze. But I nodded to Robert. I had no sympathy to waste on a stranger. I had no tenderness to spare. There was only one person in the world for me, and she was happy.
Yes, you do that, I said. You know Id try anything with the horses. But I cannot go up a ladder.
Robert smiled. Youre to give it a try, he said firmly. A fair try. No one will force you to go up high but youll wait and see the swing before you make up your mind, Meridon.
Ill have too much to do with the horses, I said defensively. I cant be a bareback rider and swing on a trapeze.
Jack will, he said. You can too. I give you my word, Meridon; I wont force you, but youre to give it a try. Thats fair.
It was not fair, but I had reached the hard core in Robert where he would not be moved.
All right, I said sullenly. I promise Ill try, and you promise that if I cant do it, you get someone else in.
Good girl, he said as though I had agreed rather than been forced into it. And youll have plenty of learning with the horses. Ill have you dancing bareback, aye, and going through a hoop of fire before the next season.
I thought that was ambitious and I glanced at Jack but he had never in his life spoken one word against his father.
Can I learn it that quick? I asked.
Going to have to, lass, Robert replied with finality. Im not housing you and feeding you all winter for love of your green eyes. Youre going to work for your living at Warminster as you do now. Training the horses, and learning a bareback act, and doing what the trapeze man tells you. And you, miss, he turned sharply to Dandy. You will get yourself off to a wise woman in the village and have her tell you about how to avoid getting a belly on you. Im not spending a fortune training you how to swing from a trapeze to see you up there fat with a whelp. And you keep away from the village lads, too, dyou hear? Its a respectable village, Warminster, and I go there every winter. I want no trouble with my neighbours.
We both nodded obediently. But Dandy caught my eye and winked at me in anticipation. I smiled back at her. I had never slept under a roof but always a wagon, always in a narrow bunk within touching distance of four other people. It would make me feel like Quality to get into my own bed. It would be like being a lady. It would be like being at Wide.
I took that thought with me to bed, after I had rubbed down the horses and eaten my supper nodding over my bowl with weariness. That thought took me in my dream to Wide.
I saw it so clearly that I could draw a map of it. The pale lovely sandstone house in the new style with a round turret at one end which makes a pretty rounded parlour in the west corner. That room catches the sun in the evening and there are window seats upholstered with pink velvet where you can sit and watch the sun set over the high high green hills which surround the little valley. The house faces south, down a long winding avenue of tall beech trees which would have been old when my ma was young, even when her ma was young. At the bottom of the drive is a pair of great wrought-iron gates. They have rusted on their hinges and are left open. The family, my family, never wants them shut. For out of the drive and down the lane is the source of their wealth, or our wealth. The little village with a new-built church and a row of spanking new cottages one side of the only street; and a pretty vicarage and a cobbler and a smithy and a carters cottage and stable yard on the other side.
These are the people of Wide. These are my people, and this is where I belong. However much I might love the travelling life with the Gowers, I knew this was my home. And in my dream of Wide I knew knew without a shadow of doubt that I was not a gypsys brat. I was not Meridon Cox of Gowers Amazing Equestrian Event. I was Sarah. Sarah of Wide. And one day I would be back there.
I awoke on that thought and stared at the ceiling of the wagon. This caravan was not damp like the other and there were no strange-shaped damp patches to make boggart faces and frighten me. I squeezed my finger into the hole in my straw mattress and felt for the scrap of cloth which I had twisted and hidden there. I hooked it out and unwrapped it, leaning on one elbow to hold it to the grey light filtering in through the sprigged curtains at the window. The string was grimy and old but the clasp was still shiny. It still said Celia on one side and John on the other, names of people I did not know. But they must have known me. Why else should I have all that was left of Celias necklace? And I heard a voice, not my own voice but a voice in my head, call longingly, but without hope of an answer: Mama.
The next day was our last day and we gave only one performance which was ill attended. It was too cold for people to relish sitting on the damp grass for long, the horses were surly and unwilling to work, and Jack was chilled in his shirtsleeves.
Time to move, Robert said counting the gate money in the swinging bag. Well start now and stop at suppertime. Get the loading done, you three, Im going to the village. He shrugged on his tweed jacket and pulled on his ordinary boots and set off down the lane. Dandy scowled at his back.
Aye, push off when theres work to be done, she said softly. Leave two girls and your son to do all the hard work. She looked at me. The more money that man makes, the greedier and the lazier he becomes, she said.
Is he making money? I asked. I had noticed no great change, but Dandy kept the gate and knew as well as Robert how the money bag had been growing heavier.
Yes, she said shortly. He is taking shillings and pounds every day and he pays us in pennies. Hi Jack! she called suddenly. How much does your da pay you?