He broke off again, and then recollected where he was and went on. Thats the best I can do for the both of you, he said fairly. Where you weds or beds is your own affair, but youll not lack offers if you keeps clean and stays with my show. But if I catch you mooning over my lad, or if he puts his hand up your skirt, you just remember that Ill put you out of this wagon on the high road wherever we are. However you feel. And I wont look back. And my lad Jack wont look back either. He knows which side his bread is buttered, and he might have you once or twice, but hell never wed you. Not in a thousand years.
Dandy blinked.
See? Robert said with finality.
Dandy glanced at Jack to see if he had anything to say in her defence. He was resolutely buffing the white of his topboots. His head bent low over his work. You would have thought him deaf. I looked at the dark nape of his neck and knew he was afraid of his father. And that his father had spoken the truth when he said that Jack would never go against him. Not in a thousand years.
What about Meridon? Dandy said surly. You dont warn her off your precious son.
Robert shot a quick look at me and then smiled. Shes not a whore-in-the-making, he said. All Meridon wants from Jack and me is a chance to ride our horses.
I nodded. That much was true.
Dyou see? Robert asked again. Id not have taken you into my wagon if Id known you and Jack were smelling of April and May. But I can put you out here and youd still have a chance of finding your da again. He wont have got far not with that damned old carthorse of his pulling that wagon! Youd best go if youre hot for Jack. I wont have it. And it wont happen without my letting.
Dandy looked once more at the back of Jacks head. He had started on the other boot. The first one was radiantly white. I thought he had probably never worked so hard on it before.
All right, she said. You can keep your precious son. I didnt want him so much anyway. Plenty of other young men in the world.
Robert beamed at her, he loved getting his own way. Good girl! he said approvingly. Now we can all live together with a bit of comfort. Ill take that as your word, and youll hear no more about it from me.
And Ill tell you something, pretty-face. If you keep those looks when you are a woman grown, theres no telling how high you might aim. But dont go giving it away, girl. With looks like yours you could even think about a gentry marriage!
That was consolation enough for Dandy and she went up into her bunk early that night to comb her hair and plait it carefully. And she did not exchange another languorous smile with Jack. Not for all the time we were in Salisbury.
It was a fine summer, that hot sunny summer of 1805. I changed from the dreary unhappy girl I had been in my das wagon to a working groom with pride in my work. My skirt grew bedraggled and my shoes wore out. It seemed only natural to borrow Jacks smock and then, as he outgrew them, his second-best breeches and his old shirt. By the end of the summer I dressed all the time as a lad and felt a delight in how I could move and my freedom from the looks of passing men. I was absorbed by the speed of the travel, by the way we went from one town to another overnight. Never staying longer than three days at any site, always moving on. Everywhere we went it was the same show. The dancing ponies, the clever stallion, the cavalry charge, Jacks bareback ride, and the story of Richard the Lionheart and Saladin.
But every night it was somehow a little bit different. The horses would go through their paces differently every time. For a while one of the little ponies was sick and went slower than the others and spoiled the dancing. Then Jack ricked his ankle unloading the wagon and had trouble with his vaults on to the horse, so all of that act was changed until he was strong again. Little changes but they absorbed me.
It was soon my business to care for the horses from the time Jack and Robert had changed into their costumes. I had been steadily doing more and more from the first night when I had stayed behind for the sheer joy of stroking the velvety noses and smoothing the hot sides. But now it was my job. Dandy worked in the caravan. She bought the groceries and poached what food we needed. She kept the caravan as clean as Robert Gower thought fit which was a lifetime away from Zimas rank sluttery. Then she came to the field and kept the gate while Robert did the barking for the show.
All the while we were learning the business. All the time we were getting to love the contrast between the hard life of the travelling and the magic of the costume and the disguise. And all the time we were growing addicted to the sound of delighted applause, and to the sense of power from being the centre of attention, making magic before scores and sometimes hundreds of people.
While we were learning, Robert was planning. Every time we were anywhere near another show he would go and see it. Even if it meant missing one of our own performances he would put on his best jacket a tweed one, not his working red coat take the big grey stallion, and ride for as much as twenty miles to see another show. But it was not horse shows which drew him. I realized that when Jack came back from crying up the show around Keynsham with a bill in his hand, and said with confidence:
Thisll interest you, Da.
It was not a bill for a horse show but a brightly coloured picture of man swinging upside down from a bar which had been hung high in the ceiling. He looked half-naked, in a costume like a second skin and spangled. He had great broad mustachios and was beaming down as if he had no fear at all.
Why, youre white as a sheet, Robert said looking at me. Whats the matter, Meridon?
Nothing, I said instantly. But I could feel the blood draining from my head and I knew that I might faint at any moment.
I squeezed past Robert and that terrifying picture and stumbled to the caravan step and sat gulping in the fresh air of a warm August evening.
Be all right to work, will you? Robert called from inside the wagon.
Yes, yes I assented weakly. I just felt faint for a moment.
He left me in silence to look at the staked-out horses and the sun low in the sky behind a bank of pale butter-coloured clouds.
Not started your bleeding have you? he asked, standing in the doorway with rough sympathy.
Its not that! I exclaimed, stung.
Well, its hardly an insult he excused himself. Whats the matter then?
It was that picture, the hand-bill I said. I could hardly explain my terror even to myself. What was the man doing? He looked so high!
Robert drew the hand-bill out of his pocket. He calls himself a trapeze artiste, he said. Its a new act. Im going into Bristol to see it. Id like to know how its done. See he pushed the hand-bill towards me but I turned my head away.
I hate it! I said childishly. I cant bear to see it!
Are you afraid of being up high? Robert asked. He was scowling as if my answer mattered.
Yes, I said shortly. In all my dare-devil boyish childhood it had been the only thing which made me ill with fear. Only on birds nesting expeditions was I never the leader of a game. I always insisted on staying on the ground while other travellers children climbed trees. Only once, when I was about ten years old, I had forced myself up a tree for a dare, and then frozen, terrified, on a low branch, quite unable to move. It had been Dandy, of all people, who had climbed up with placid confidence to fetch me. And Dandy who had been able to give me the courage to scramble down. I pushed away the memory of the swaying branch and the delighted cruel upturned faces below me. Yes, I said. I am afraid of being up high. It makes me ill just thinking about it.
Robert said: Damn, under his breath and jumped down from the caravan step to pull on his boots. Horses ready for the show? he asked absently. The little puffs of smoke from his pipe came out quickly, as they did when he was thinking hard and biting on the stem.
Robert said: Damn, under his breath and jumped down from the caravan step to pull on his boots. Horses ready for the show? he asked absently. The little puffs of smoke from his pipe came out quickly, as they did when he was thinking hard and biting on the stem.
Yes, I said. Not tacked-up yet, of course.
Aye, he said. He stood up and stamped his feet down into the boots and then tapped his pipe out on the wheel of the caravan and put it carefully by the driving seat.
What about Dandy? he said abruptly. I suppose she wont climb. I suppose shes no good up high too?
Dandys all right, I said. Were you thinking of something for the show? Youd have to ask her, but she used to climb trees well when we were little.
Im just thinking aloud, he said, snubbing my curiosity. Just thinking.
But as he went towards the show field I heard him muttering under his breath. Amazing Aerial Act. An Angel Without Wings. The Amazing Mamselle Dandy.
He visited the trapeze act at Bristol; but he came back late and said nothing about it in the morning. Only Jack was allowed to ask over breakfast: Any good? Dandy and I were eating our bread and bacon on the sun-drenched step of the caravan, so only Jack heard more than a mumbled reply. But I had heard enough to guess that Roberts promise to Dandy of being in the centre of the ring might come true.
She welcomed it when I told her what he had said. Already our work for the show had been expanded. When Jack went crying-up the show into new towns and villages he often took Dandy riding on the crupper behind him. I had seen Robert frown the first time he saw the white horse and his son with Dandy looking so pretty, riding behind him with her arms around his waist. But he was thinking of business and not love.
You should have a proper riding habit, he said. A proper riding habit and be up on your own. Itd look grand. Robert Gowers Amazing Equestrian Show with Lady Dandy in the Ring, he said.
He gave Dandy five shillings for a bolt of real velvet and she made herself a riding habit in two evenings, working under the lantern until her eyes were bleary from the strain. When Jack next cried-up the show, he took her up behind him with her beautiful blue riding habit sweeping down Snows shining side. Dandys smile under her blue tricorne hat was heart-stoppingly lovely. In the next village we had the best gate we had ever taken.