You sure you want to do this?
No. But I cant give it to Sophie if Im not willing to try it myself.
He stuck the tip of the dropper into the vial and drew up a quarter of an inch of murky green gunk. My mom calls that the baby food test.
Baby food?
Yeah. When we were little, she wouldnt give us anything to eat until shed tasted it herself. Which is why she started baking. Evidently baby food is vile.
I watched as he dropped into a squat, so that he was eye level with my glass. So you really did grow up on cookies and cake. I knew it.
Thats why Im so sweet now. I have no idea what went wrong with Nash. He carefully squeezed the bulb at the top of the dropper, and a single drop of concentrated liquid envy plopped into my glass. For a second, it hung suspended in the water. Then tiny threadlike feelers of dark, dark green stretched out from the drop in all directions, bleeding slowly into the rest of the glass while Tod squirted the rest of what hed sucked up back into the vial.
In seconds, the drop was gone and my water was an uneven green, paler than the concentrated color. Like an old bruise.
Yuck. I held the glass up to the light, and the green grew paler. Maybe we should have mixed it with soda.
Tod opened his mouth, and I took the first sip before he could offer to drink it for me. To test it on himself. The last thing I needed was for him to develop an irrational envy. The only person he could possibly be jealous of was Nash, and it had taken me forever to get the two of them back on speaking terms. Backward momentum was not okay.
Yuck! I made a face and wished for a cookie to rid my mouth of the foul film. Envy tastes bitter.
Tod laughed. I could have told you that without even trying it. You gulp that, and Ill get you something sweet to chase it with.
Thanks.
I made myself drink the whole glass while he was gone, then made a mental note to warn Sabine to put it in something dark and sweet. Definitely coffee or soda. Or artificially sweetened diet protein shakes.
As I was swallowing the last mouthful, Tod reappeared in my room with a clear plastic cup of pink lemonade from my favorite burger place, a block from school. Thanks. I set the empty glass down and gulped a quarter of the lemonade through the straw without even taking the cup from him. Much better.
He set the drink on my nightstand, then sank onto my bed and scooted back until he could lean against the wall. I sat in front of him, my back pressed against his chest, and his arms wrapped around me. Feel anything yet?
Just this. I threaded my fingers between his in my lap. But I was already starting to regret volunteering for our little experiment. The more I thought about it, the easier it was to remember how Id felt with Invidia spewing envy into the air at my school, poisoning us, amplifying whatever benign envy we felt on a daily basis until it poured from us in bitter, violent waves.
If she hadnt been thereif we hadnt been under the influence of more jealousy than any normal sixteen-year-old could handlewould Sabine and I have fought over Nash? Or would I have seen what was right in front of me sooner?
I didnt have the answer, and thinking about itabout being out of control of my own emotionsmade me angry. So I snuggled closer to Tod, determined to distract myself from my fears. Have you ever been jealous of anyone? Like, really jealous?
Is that a serious question?
Something in his tone made me pull away just enough that I could turn and see his face.
Nash?
The blues in his irises twisted for a second before he got his emotions under control.
Dont, I whispered. Let me see. Please.
Tod frowned. Then he closed his eyes, and when they opened, the shades of blue they held were churning like a storm at sea, cobalt twisting through thin, fragile shades of glacial ice, then rolling over bold streaks of cerulean.
That bad, huh? I couldnt completely hide the satisfaction in my voice. It was nice to be wanted. It was even better to be needed, and I could feel how much Tod needed me every day. He needed me almost as much as I needed him.
It wasnt just jealousy, Kaylee. I coveted you. It was all biblical and forbidden.
Tell me.
He hesitated just for a second. I hated seeing you with him, but I couldnt stay away because I knew that if I wasnt there, you two would do things youd never do with me in the room, and then Id be all alone imagining thatimagining my brother touching the girl I was meant to be with for the rest of my afterlifeand then... Well, then things would get worse. But its not like I could say anything. Not as long as you wanted to be with him.
I smiled. I couldnt help it.
Its not funny. He frowned, and even his frown was beautiful. It was torture.
Im not laughing. Im just feeling very, very lucky.
Is it possible that this liquid envy has some kind of osmosis effect? Like maybe its leaking out through your pores, and Im breathing most of it in? Because Im reliving the worst envy of my entire existence, and you seem just fine.
I shrugged. I have nothing to be jealous of.
His pale brow rose again, and I realized Id accidentally laid down a challenge. Im perfectly covetable, you know.
Oh, I know. Im grateful every single day for the fact that youre invisible to everyone else most of the time, so Im the only one looking at you. And I looked at him a lot. He was the most beautiful thing Id ever seen. So I dont have to beat girls off of you.
Would you? He looked intrigued. Would you fight for me?
Would you make me?
No. There will never be anyone else for me, Kay. He grinned that evil reaper grin, and I knew what was coming before the words even left his tongue. But there were a few before you....
La la la! I covered my ears and squeezed my eyes shut, pretending I couldnt hear him. But the seed had already taken root in my brain.
He pulled one hand away from my ear. How are we supposed to evaluate the strength of this essence of envy if you refuse to explore your own jealousy?
I opened my eyes and dropped my other hand. Fine. Point taken. But I didnt have to like it. How many?
He frowned again. How many what?
How many girls? Before me?
His frown deepened. Thats not what I was getting at. Its not a competition....
I know. It cant be a competition, because I cant compete. Because Ive never been with anyone but you. But you cant say that, can you? He flinched and I felt sorry for him for a second. Just one second. How many, Tod?
I think were losing track of the point, here.
Addison? Were you with her? Like, with her?
I saw it in his eyes, and my chest ached like Id been punched. Like someone had tried to rip my heart out through my rib cage. She was your first. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to swallow, but my throat didnt want to work right.
Kaylee. His hands slid down my arms, and my eyes flew open again.
What is it with you Hudson boys and your first loves? She was a rock star. A TV star. And she would have burst right out of any one of my bras. How the hell am I supposed to compete with that?
Youre not. Addisons dead, Kaylee. Not just dead. Because I was dead, and he was dead. Shes gone. Her soul had been disintegrated and scattered throughout both worlds two weeks before, and it could take centuries for it to slowly reform.
I know, and Im sorry about that, but honestly, Im a little less sorry than I was a second ago.
His eyes widened, and he looked...surprised.
Crap. What the hell was I saying? Addison had never been anything but kind to me. Shed put herself between me and Avari so I could escape the Netherworld, and shed suffered horribly for it. Of course I was sorry she was gone. But...
Her memory. Sabine was right. You can never really compete with the memory of a tragically deceased lover.
You dont need to compete. He lifted my chin so that I had to look into his eyes. I love you, Kaylee. I love you like I have never loved anyone else. Like I will never love anyone else.
I knew that, but... After her? I didnt want to know, but suddenly I had to ask. After Addy? How many? Were they pretty? Were they...good?
His eyes flashed in panic. Okay, you see that this is the envy talking, right, Kay?
I know. But I didnt care. How many, Tod? When you touch me, how many other girls are you remembering?
None. Look at me.
I looked at him, but I could hardly see him through tears. When had that happened?
When I touch you, Im not thinking about anyone but you. When I look at you, I cant remember what any of the others looked like. When I hear your voice, I cant even remember their names.
Really? My tears fell, and he wiped them away with his bare hands.
Really. Compared to you, theyre all nameless. Like...Thing One and Thing Two. And Thing Three. And...okay, thats not helping. His gaze searched mine, and his forehead furrowed. This sucks. How can I help?
I dont... But I did know. I think I need you to kiss me.
His features relaxed, and his grin came back slowly, like he expected me to change my mind. When I didnt, he pulled me into his lap, and I tucked my legs around him. My pleasure.
He kissed me, and my hands slid behind his neck. I wanted to devour him. I really did. And the beauty of being dead and in love is that you dont have to come up for air.
I dont know how long we sat there kissing, tangled up in each other and nearly desperate for more, but I know we didnt stop until Emma came in to get ready for bed. And I only know when that happened because she pretended to gag in the doorway.
I cant even see you, but I know what youre doing.
No, you dont, Tod said to her, his lips still pressed against mine. Were still dressed.
I laughed and concentrated on being visible on the human plane.
Em sank onto the edge of her bed, and I climbed off Tods lap. Better? he said, and I nodded, my face flaming.
Sorry. That was intense.
That? Em waved one hand at the two of us, grinning. Or the test dose?
Both, Tod and I said in unison. He was only partly kidding when he continued, Tell Sabine to give Sophie a half dose.
Chapter Four
So? Do we have any classes together? Let me see.... I pulled Emmas new schedule from her hands as the office door swung shut behind us. Crap. I scanned the schedule again, hoping Id misread. There are only a couple hundred juniors in this school. How can we only have one class together?