Mrs Stewart had made this remark at least a dozen times over the course of the day and it seemed a bit forced, almost as if she was still trying to convince herself that it was okay to have a male nurse. Never mind, I was sure she would feel better about it by tomorrow; at least, I hoped so, because tomorrow was going to be a lot more challenging, for her as well as me.
The next morning, Cherie informed me that Mrs Stewart was to have her epidural removed.
Its pretty straightforward, Cherie explained, just pull.
I was expecting something a little bit more detailed, but just pull sounded easy enough.
Oh, and make sure you give her some analgesia straight after you take it out. You want to have something working before it wears off, Cherie added, before heading off on her own rounds.
Epidurals are not something nurses learn about in detail, although theyre pretty simple to follow. A needle is inserted between the vertebrae of the back, into the epidural space. The epidural space is a membrane that surrounds the spine. A plastic tube is threaded along the needle and into this space. The needle is removed, while the plastic tube is left in place and an infusion of analgesia is slowly pumped. This keeps the patient completely pain free from about the navel down.
All I had to do was pull the tube out.
Thankfully, Mrs Stewart was philosophical about having the epidural removed.
Im not looking forward to the pain, but I guess it means Im making good progress, she said.
Oh, dont worry, Mrs Stewart. Well give you some medicine before the epidural wears off. Youll be fine, I said, as I picked up her drug chart.
She seemed comforted by my words. I looked at her drug chart to see exactly what sort of analgesic I could give, but decided it would be better to ask Cherie. As Cherie was the nurse guiding me, she was the person I was to go to with any problem, no matter how big or small.
We usually give a Voltaren suppository, Cherie answered when I asked her. Its long-lasting and tends to work really well. Youve given one before, havent you?
I had given one before, but only to a male patient. Somehow, during my student training I had managed to avoid having to go near womens private parts. I explained this to Cherie, and her face brightened with a smile.
Well, theres not much difference. You cant go wrong.
I wasnt so sure.
The epidural was removed under Cheries supervision and it really was as simple as she had described, a slight tug and it was out, no resistance, no trouble. A bit of iodine and a transparent dressing and everyone was happy. To make the most of a good opportunity (that is Mrs Stewart held on her side by Cherie and her bottom facing me) I prepared to give the suppository.
Stop, Cherie said, as I had one hand on Mrs Stewarts upper cheek, while the other hand was ready to do the deed.
Whats wrong? I asked, frantically trying to think what I had done wrong.
Arent you forgetting something? Cherie asked me.
Under pressure my mind remained a blank.
The jelly the lubricant you forgot to put some on your finger, she said, in a slightly exasperated tone of voice.
Oh, yeah right, sorry, I replied, as I squeezed the tube of jelly a little too hard. So hard that I managed to lather up not just my finger but both of my hands as well. Cherie rolled her eyes but kept silent.
I hadnt even begun to insert the suppository because with my rubber gloves soaking in lubricant I was struggling to hold up her cheek with one hand and the suppository in the other. The cheek kept slipping down and covering the target. I looked up to see an amused (and slightly bemused) looking Cherie.
Let me help, Cherie said as she grabbed hold of Mrs Stewarts cheek and held it up.
Here we go, Mrs Stewart, I said as I went for gold.
I heard Cherie stifle a gasp. I suddenly felt nauseous.
With far too much lubricant on my hands, the suppository had missed and gone in the wrong hole. At least Mrs Stewart didnt seem to notice anything because she was still numb from the remains of the epidural.
Ive never seen that happen before, remarked Cherie.
I looked up into her face and gave her a What now? sort of look.
She made a hooking gesture with her finger.
You must be kidding, I mouthed back at her. There was no way I was going searching in there it even crossed my mind that searching in there could be a form of abuse. My only hope was that it hadnt gone too far. One thing I was sure of was that Voltaren was pretty rough on the stomach, and I began to worry what it could do if left in such a sensitive place.
Here we go, Mrs Stewart, I said as I went for gold.
I heard Cherie stifle a gasp. I suddenly felt nauseous.
With far too much lubricant on my hands, the suppository had missed and gone in the wrong hole. At least Mrs Stewart didnt seem to notice anything because she was still numb from the remains of the epidural.
Ive never seen that happen before, remarked Cherie.
I looked up into her face and gave her a What now? sort of look.
She made a hooking gesture with her finger.
You must be kidding, I mouthed back at her. There was no way I was going searching in there it even crossed my mind that searching in there could be a form of abuse. My only hope was that it hadnt gone too far. One thing I was sure of was that Voltaren was pretty rough on the stomach, and I began to worry what it could do if left in such a sensitive place.
I needed to move fast because this felt wrong. I looked up at Cherie again and shook my head. There were some things a man should not do and this was one of them. But Cherie motioned for me to hurry up and get on with it.
Youre a nurse now, Cherie whispered quietly, as if this meant I had an open licence to dig around in womens private parts.
Eventually, I took a deep breath and with a quick flick of my index finger I managed to scoop out the offending suppository. Cherie gave me a thumbs up. I quickly popped the thing in the right spot, while Cherie rolled Mrs Stewart back on to her back.
All done, Mrs Stewart, I said. How do you feel?
Mrs Stewart took a moment to answer. She gave me a strange look.
Fine, she said eventually.
I left the room very quickly, without saying another word.
You wont tell anyone, will you? I asked Cherie back in the nurses office. I felt like a total pervert, I added.
Cherie didnt answer, because she was bent double laughing although she eventually recovered long enough to inform the whole ward.
Sharons law
A nurse is a nurse first, and a woman (or in my case, a man) second. At least, that was the thinking of my mentor, Cherie. One of Cheries favourite sayings was, If a woman has to go down there, then so do you. Maybe that was why she made me go after that suppository. In Cheries world of nursing, there was no gender, just doing the job and doing it well. My problem was I never expected to be doing this particular job, in this particular area of nursing.
I had applied to work at the hospital as a general nurse on the new graduate programme. I expected to be offered a normal nursing job in a surgical or medical ward. But I couldnt turn down the offer of a full-time job. They didnt even interview me for the position. Maybe the personnel manager was too embarrassed to admit that she had made a mistake. Maybe this was the reason no one seemed to like me, especially Sharon.
Stop daydreaming: pull your finger out your arse and do some work.
The calm way in which Sharon said this left me speechless.
And close your mouth, you look stupid.
Sharon seemed satisfied that she had made me look the fool and moved on down the corridor in search of her next victim. Only four weeks into my nursing career and I was learning to avoid my charge nurse at all costs. I looked over at Cherie.
I have to tell you something you wont like Cherie was never afraid to speak her mind Sharon doesnt like you a lot.
With my self-esteem at an all-time low, I began to go about my rounds.
I knew that I knew nothing. It was a good thing really, as too much confidence can be harmful.
It wont come as a surprise that I struggled with some parts of the job already. Things were unfamiliar, and it was usually vitally important that I got them right. The latest problem in front of me was called erythromycin. Its an antibiotic, and in this case it needed to be injected straight into a vein.
What are you waiting for? Sharon asked me, as she entered the treatment room and saw me standing with a syringe full of intravenous antibiotic.
Im waiting for Cherie, I replied cautiously.
Hospital policy stated that all intravenous medicines needed to be checked by a second person, but I felt a bit useless standing there doing nothing because mine had already been checked.
Lets have a look. Ill check them for you. Sharon began to look at the drug chart.
Its already been checked, I replied. Im just waiting for Cherie, because she has to watch me administer it. Again this was hospital policy.
Sharon rolled her eyes and quietly cursed. Id said the wrong thing.
There was an awkward silence; a silence which I hoped would last, because I knew when Sharon spoke it wouldnt be to say how conscientious I was.
Sharon finally broke it with a calm voice, though I could sense the anger building:
Are you a registered nurse?
I wasnt sure whether to answer. Was it a rhetorical question? I knew there was more to come, so I just nodded my head.
Well, start acting like one, she added, her voice rising up an octave. You cant have someone holding your hand all the time. Take some initiative.
I left the treatment room in a hurry and approached my patient.
Here I was standing at the patients bedside, with a syringe full of antibiotic that Id never given before. Policy stated that I needed three months supervision before I could give these medicines on my own, and I was just nearing the end of my first month.
My mind was chaos turning over silly thoughts, crazy thoughts, even suspicious thoughts. Was Sharon trying to set me up to fail? What if something went wrong? I wasnt even aware of all that could go wrong. If something did happen, no one would back me. Sharon would deny everything. What could I do? I knew what I should do but I couldnt risk facing the wrath of Sharon.