And to be honest, I wasnt either. I was afraid to ask, to hear what the answer could be. Afraid that my worst, secret fear would be confirmed: that Ezekiel Crosse truly had died on that table with Sarren, and the vampire walking beside me was a completely different person. One who couldnt love me anymore.
I didnt say anything else, lost to my own dark thoughts, and Zeke retreated behind his icy, blank wall. We continued the rest of the journey in silence.
That took longer than I expected, Jackal remarked when Zeke and I returned. Poking his head from under the hood, he smirked at us. Did you two get lost, or did you decide to jump each others bones in the ditch?
I wasnt familiar with that terminology, though I could guess what Jackal was hinting at, and figured it was best to play ignorant. Shut up, and here, I said, setting the red plastic container on the ground beside him. None of the cars would start, but theres about a half gallon of fuel in there. Did you get the van working?
In answer, Jackal rose, pointed an imaginary shotgun beneath the hood, and fired point-blank at the engine. I grimaced. I take it were walking, then.
Unless you can pull a working alternator from your tight little ass. Jackal wiped his hands on his jeans and slammed the hood so hard the van bounced. Otherwise, I think its safe to say we are S.O.L.
What does that mean?
It means, Kanin broke in before Jackal could explain, that we need to hurry. Without a working vehicle, Eden is still several days on foot. The Master vampire gazed down the road, to where the pavement met the night sky, and his eyes narrowed. As if he could sense what lay beyond that point, what waited for us at the end of the road. Lets go, he murmured, starting forward. I fear we are nearly out of time.
So we walked.
For three nights, we walked. Through snowy woods and deserted towns, Kanin leading, Zeke and I trailing behind, Jackal prowling his own path between us. With the exception of a certain loud-mouthed raider king, we didnt speak much. Kanin walked on, silent and steady, and Zeke continued to hide deep within himself, rarely talking, never showing any hint of emotion. He didnt act angry or bitter or lostthat I could have dealt with. He never complained, or expressed any kind of sorrow or regret for being a monster. He was just...lifeless. Empty. Like nothing mattered to him anymore, not even his own life. Eventually, I started asking him questions about Eden, about Caleb and Bethany and the others who had made it, just to get him talking. To see if he remembered.
He did. And that was even worse. He remembered everything, everyone, but would answer my questions with the same numb detachment that he showed everything else. It made me sick with worry and despair. Zeke was with us, but he had either retreated so deep within himself that I couldnt reach him, or Sarren had destroyed the human, and this cold, dispassionate vampire was all that was left.
He did. And that was even worse. He remembered everything, everyone, but would answer my questions with the same numb detachment that he showed everything else. It made me sick with worry and despair. Zeke was with us, but he had either retreated so deep within himself that I couldnt reach him, or Sarren had destroyed the human, and this cold, dispassionate vampire was all that was left.
One night, I climbed out of the hard, frozen earth beside the road to see Kanin leaning against the median with his arms and legs crossed, waiting for the rest of us. As far as I could see, Jackal wasnt around, and Zeke, being the youngest of us, hadnt woken yet. Shaking dirt from my clothes and hair, I stepped onto the pavement and walked over to where my sire waited, silent and motionless against the dark.
He acknowledged me with a faint nod, but otherwise didnt move. I leaned against the railing with him, crossing my arms as well, and together we stared into the shadows, each lost to our own thoughts. Briefly, I wondered what was on Kanins mind; hed been so quiet the past couple nights, not cold and shut down like Zeke, just...preoccupied. I doubted the Master vampire worried about the things I did, but then again, I rarely knew what my sire was thinking.
Wheres Jackal? I finally asked, not because I really wanted to knowor couldnt find out for myself using the blood tiebut for something to say. My voice echoed weirdly in the stillness, almost out of place. The branches above us rustled, as if offended by human speech where there should be only ruins and wilderness.
Kanin stirred, nodding down the highway. He went on ahead, the Master vampire replied softly. Said he spotted a couple cars in the road and wanted to see if he could hotwire any of them. I doubt he has much hope, but I also sense he is getting rather bored with the lot of us.
I snorted. You mean, hes not having any fun taunting Zeke, I thought, frowning. Jackals comments had been nonstop ever since wed left Old Chicago, barbed, challenging remarks aimed at our newest vampire, but Zeke either ignored them or replied in the same flat, expressionless manner as he had everything else. Last night, Jackal had sneered that Zeke was about as fun as a dead cat and stalked off, shaking his head. I couldnt tell if he was disgusted by Zekes passiveness or the fact that his comments had no effect on him.
Nothing did anymore, it seemed.
How much farther to Eden? I asked, looking up at Kanin. The Master vampire sighed.
Im not entirely sure. A couple days, I should think. I have never been there, so I could not tell you for certain. Kanin flicked a glance at me, dark eyes searching. You and Ezekiel are the ones who have been to its gates, he reminded me. Does any of this look familiar?
I...dont know. I gazed around helplessly, at the highway, at the choking woods on either side, and shrugged. Maybe? We were in a car the entire way from Old Chicago, so everything pretty much looks the same.
Kanin didnt admonish me for not remembering. He only raised his head and went back to staring at the horizon. The stillness fell once more, darkness and falling snow seeming to engulf everything, swallowing all sound. An owl hooted somewhere in the trees, and then the world was silent again
Im worried about him, Kanin, I admitted, almost a whisper. Kanin didnt reply, and didnt ask who I was talking about; there was no need. What will happen when he gets to Eden? Theyre going to know that hes not the same.
Yes, Kanin agreed quietly. I imagine they will.
Cant you help him? I gazed at my sire, imploring. Teach him how to be a vampire? Like you did with me? Im not getting through to him. Hurt and a little anger flickered, though I tried to push it down. Didnt Zeke realize he wasnt alone, that Id been through all this, too? Will you talk to him? I asked Kanin. Hell listen to you.
No, he wont. I blinked, and Kanins gaze shifted to me, stern and sympathetic. Hes not ready to listen, Allison. He wont hear me, or you, or anyone. I was able to teach you because you had already chosen to Turn. Ezekiel was not afforded that choice. And until he comes to terms with what he is, no one will be able to help him. He raised his head, staring at the spot of disturbed earth and clay where I had slept. Where Zeke was still buried, a few feet away. You can reach for him, Kanin murmured, but its up to Ezekiel to look up and see it. He has to take the first steps out of the darkness himself.
I clenched my fists against the railing, fighting despair. What am I supposed to do, then?
Just be there, Allison. Kanin didnt look at me, though his voice was understanding. When its time, if Ezekiel does manage to accept what he is, he will not look to me or Jackal or anyone else for help. He will come to you.
We fell silent again. Jackal didnt return, and Zeke slept on in his shallow grave. I crossed my arms, waiting for him to wake up, hoping against hope that he would be himself again. Hed given us all the information he could about Eden: where it was located, how the town was set up, where Sarren would likely go when he arrived. All delivered in the same flat, emotionless voice hed used since Old Chicago. I wondered if Zeke was steeling himself for what he might find when we got to the city. If he was preparing himself for the loss of everything he had loved. Wed been so focused on catching up with Sarren, intercepting him before he reached the island. But Sarren was probably already there, and if Sarren was in Eden...
Kanin? I ventured.
Yes?
I licked my lips. Everyone in Eden...is probably dead, arent they?
My sire turned, looking down at me. His voice was calm. What makes you think that?
Because...we couldnt catch up with Sarren? Because hes probably already there, doing whatever awful thing hes been planning? I kicked at a rock in frustration. We failed, didnt we? We did exactly what he wanted us to do in Old Chicago, and now theres no chance of catching up. Sarren knew I would go after Zeke. He knew exactly what he was doing when he left him there. I played right into his hand, and now hes in Eden laughing at us all.
Kanin still didnt answer, and I sighed. I want to think theyre all right, I said, feeling a lump in my throat as I thought of Caleb, Bethany, our old group. Probably all dead, because of me. I want to believe that everyone in Eden is okay, but...Im just fooling myself, arent I?
No. Kanins soft voice surprised me. The vampire raised his head, gazing off into the darkness, the hint of a smile on his face. If there is one thing I have discovered over the centuries of watching humans, he murmured, it is their stubborn and indomitable will to keep living. As a species, it is almost impossible to kill them completely. They survived Red Lung. They survived the rabid plague. True, many of them now live in vampire cities, enslaved and ignorant of the times Before, but there are still small settlements that exist outside the Princes territories. Humans living free.
Sarren is one vampire, Kanin went on, as I stared at him in amazement. No matter how deadly, how terrible his plans, even he cannot wipe an entire city from the face of the earth in a few days. Humans are ever resilient, and their will to live surpasses everything else. Do not lose hope, Allison. He bowed his head, his next words so soft I barely caught them. Your hope is the reason we have a chance to stop this.