It will, Kanin said and walked past me, heading down the road, but in a different direction than before. I blinked after him.
Where are you going?
Were breaking trail, Kanin said matter-of-factly. Sarren will have to wait. We must go hunting before one of us falls to Blood Frenzy. That pretty much meant me, I guessed.
No, I growled, and stalked after my sire, making him turn. Kanin, Im fine. We dont have to do this.
Allison. Kanins eyes narrowed. Of the three of us, you are closest to the edge. You are making no effort to control yourself, and the monster is very close to the surface. Having you so close to frenzy is dangerous for us all. As it is, I am not certain you can restrain yourself in the presence of humans. I am less certain that you will even try.
It wasnt the muted disapproval in his voice that got to me; it was the sorrow, the regret. As if he had failed. As if he had been proud of me, once, but now had second thoughts about bringing me into this world, making me a vampire.
And suddenly, I was angry. I was angry that he could make me feel shame for what I knew was my base nature. I was angry that no matter what I told myself otherwise, how hard I tried to deny it, I wanted to make him proud. I was angry that he expected more from me, that he held me up to some ridiculous standard that I could never reach.
I raised my head and stared him down. Maybe I wont, I said carelessly. Why should that bother you?
Anguish flickered across his impassive face before it became calmly aloof once more. This is not what I taught you, Allison, he said in a voice meant only for me. You are stronger than this.
I shrugged. Maybe I realized its futile, and I dont want to fight my nature for the rest of eternity. Maybe I realized Jackal was right all along.
No. Kanins voice was suddenly hard, terrifying. You are simply using your demon to hide from what you really feel. Because you are afraid of what that means, that it might be painful. It is far easier to be a monster than to confront the truth.
I snarled back, baring my fangs. So what? I demanded, wanting Kanin to react, to show some kind of emotion, but he didnt even blink. I tried, Kanin. I really did. But you know what I discovered? I curled my lip into a sneer. We are monsters. No matter how long I fight it, Im always going to want to hunt and kill and destroy. You taught me that, remember? What happened with my mind recoiled from his name with that humanthat was stupid and wrong and eventually, I wouldve killed him. It was...better...that he died. I nearly choked on the words, but forced myself to continue, to believe it. He wouldve only been used against me. Now theres nothing holding me back.
Very well. Kanins voice sounded hollow. Then the next time you are teetering on the edge, I will not pull you back from it. But be warned, Allison. His gaze sharpened, cutting into me. There is a difference between killing while in the throes of Hunger or Blood Frenzy, and giving in to the monster. Once you fall, once you willingly cross that line, it changes you. Forever.
Very well. Kanins voice sounded hollow. Then the next time you are teetering on the edge, I will not pull you back from it. But be warned, Allison. His gaze sharpened, cutting into me. There is a difference between killing while in the throes of Hunger or Blood Frenzy, and giving in to the monster. Once you fall, once you willingly cross that line, it changes you. Forever.
We glared at each other, two monsters facing off in the tangle of cars and dead rabids, the snow falling softly around us. Kanins gaze was icy, but I sensed no anger from him, only weary acceptance, regret and the faintest hint of sorrow. He understood, I realized. He knew, better than most, the lure of the monster, how hard it was to deny our base nature. He was disappointed that he had lost another to the demon, but he understood. I wondered if Kanin, in his long, long existence, had ever fallen to his own darkness, if it was even possible to hold out forever.
I decided that I didnt care. Let Kanin do and think what he wished; I was still a monster, and that would never change.
So, anyway. Jackals impatient voice broke through our cold standoff. Not to interrupt this riveting family drama, but are we going to go hunting anytime soon, or are you two going to glare at each other until the sun comes up?
We took the road due north, a direction that pointed away from Eden and Sarren. I didnt want to postpone the chase, to let our quarry pull farther ahead. But Kanin insisted, and when Kanin insisted, there was nothing else to do. For the rest of the night, we walked, passing forests and plains and the broken remnants of civilization, well hidden in the snow and overgrown forest.
Kanin ignored me, walking silently ahead without looking back. Not that his behavior was any different than on most nights, but now it had this icy, untouchable feel to it. He had washed his hands of me, it seemed. I told myself I didnt care. Kanins values were no longer my own. And he was wrong about me. I wasnt burying the pain left over from that night in New Covington, or using the monster to shield myself from hurt. Id simply accepted what I was. What I should have accepted from the beginning.
So, sister, Jackal said at length, dropping beside me with his ever-present grin. Looks like were in the same boat now. How does it feel, being one of Kanins many disappointments?
Shut up, Jackal, I said, mostly out of habit. Knowing he wouldnt.
Oh, its not so bad, Jackal went on, with a nod in Kanins direction. Now you dont have to hear him go on and on about his stupid bloodbags and controlling the monster. It gets so tedious after a few months. He gave me a wicked smile. Isnt it easier down here, sister? Now that youve fallen from his ridiculously high expectations? You can finally start living the way a vampire should.
Is there a point to any of this?
Actually, there is. His smirk faded, and, for a moment, he looked almost serious. I want to know what youre going to do after we catch up to Sarren and beat the ever-loving shit out of him, he said. I dont expect the old man will want either of us around much longer, now that youve finally accepted the fact that you actually like the taste of blood, and he tends to frown on such things. Where will you go once this is all over? Assuming you survive, of course. And that our dear sire doesnt decide to off us both for the greater good.
I dont know, I said, ignoring that last part. I didnt think Kanin would try to kill me, but...he had tried to end Jackals life once, long ago. Had I fallen so far that Kanin thought Jackal and I were one and the same? Mistakes that he should never have brought into the world?
I dont know where Ill go after this, I said again, gazing off into the trees. I couldnt see myself staying in any one place, not among the humans who hated and feared me, and who I would systematically kill, one by one, to feed myself. Maybe Id wander from place to place, forever. I guess it doesnt matter.
Well, I have a suggestion, Jackal said, the echo of a grin in his voice. Come back with me to Old Chicago.
I glanced at him in surprise. He seemed completely serious about the offer. Why? I asked warily. You never struck me as the sharing type.
You do have a very selective memory, you know that, right? Jackal shook his head. What have I been saying all this time, sister? Ive made this offer before, several times in fact, but you were too hung up on your precious bloodbags to even consider it. No, I dont tolerate other bloodsuckers in my city, but youre not just a random, wandering mongrel vampire. Youre kin. He smiled widely, showing the tips of his fangs. And we could do great things, the two of us. Think about it.
Still wary, I asked, And what are these great things we would end up doing?
Jackal chuckled. For starters, he said, once we get that cure from Eden, we could start working on that whole vampire-army thing Ive been talking about. We could have our own vampire city, and the other Princes would bow to us. We could rule everything, you and me. Whadya say?
And youd just share all that? I gave him a skeptical look. Whats to stop you from stabbing me in the back the second we have a disagreement?
Sister, Im hurt. Jackal gave me a mock wounded look. You make me sound completely unreasonable. Isnt it enough that I want to get to know my dear little sister, my only surviving kin besides Kanin?
No, I said, now even more wary. I glared at him, and he gave me a smile that was way too innocent. Dont try to feed me any crap about family and blood and kin. Youd throw us to the rabids if you thought you could get something out of it, you said so yourself. Jackal snorted, but he didnt deny it, and I narrowed my eyes. Whats the real reason you want me around?
Because, my thick-headed little sister... Jackal sighed. I trust you.
I nearly tripped over my own feet in shock. I stared at him, not really believing what Id just heard, and he glared back. Like this was vastly annoying, and he needed to get it over with quickly. Because I know that you, at least, wont turn on me if something better comes along, he elaborated. Because you have that disgusting sense of loyalty that keeps getting you into trouble. And because you arent half bad in a fight, either. His expression moved between arrogance and pity. I figure I can be the smart, practical, logical one and you can be the pretty, hotheaded, overemotional one, and between us, well be ready for anything.
So you want me around because I can fight, and I wont turn on you. My voice echoed flatly in my head, tinged with bitterness. Thats a pretty nice deal on your side. I seem to notice you arent making those same promises.
Jackal shrugged. Look at it this way, sister, he said, his golden eyes seeing way too much as they gazed down at me. At least you wont be alone.
His words sent a shiver through my insides. Alone. I would be alone again. After this was all over, even if we beat Sarren, Id be right back where I started the night Kanin and I had fled New Covington and been separated. I hadnt been able to return to the city, but Id had no clue what to do next. With no sire, no friends and no direction, Id wandered aimlessly through an empty, unforgiving world, not knowing what to do or where I was headed. Not knowing how lonely I was, until I stumbled upon a small group of pilgrims searching for a mythical paradise. Theyd given me a goal, a purpose. Id given everything to get them to Eden...but they were gone now. And once Sarren was killed, it would be like that again. Kanin would leave and Id be alone once more, wandering the world by myself. Unless, I accepted Jackals offer.