Another withdrawal. Another careful thrust. Rewarded with a sigh, this time conveying something other than discomfort.
He shifted again and again, desperate to grant her some scrap of pleasure to make up for his sins. But with every moment, control frayed.
On a long groan, his hips surged forward and his seed flooded his wifes virgin womb.
Chapter Nineteen
Cams body crushed Pen into the mattress. Shock receded, but every breath reminded her that he hadnt been gentle. She still couldnt believe that the wild crescendo ended in such awkward intimacy.
Astonishment kept all other emotions at bay. Although resentment, regret, frustration, wretchedness, confusion all hovered.
She tried to make sense of what had happened. Shed always imagined that Cam would please her as a lover. Shed feared that hed please her too much. His hold over her was already terrifyingly powerful.
The overture to Cams horrible invasion had been extraordinary. Better than being in his arms on the yacht. Better than anything in her life.
If the prelude was so breathtaking, surely the act itself must be even better. Then hed thrust inside her. The union had given her no joy. Which seemed so unfair when shed edged beyond discomfort and toward satisfaction before he brought everything to an abrupt end.
She made herself look at Cam, then wished to heaven that she hadnt. Now the worst ache resided in her soul. He looked completely devastated and self-loathing clouded his green eyes.
Pen, Im so sorry, he whispered brokenly, and kissed her forehead with a grieving tenderness that slashed her heart into tattered shreds. His tenderness was much more painful than his possession. She had no defenses against it.
He eased out, setting off twinges through her body. Stupidly she missed him the moment he withdrew to collapse beside her with an unhappy grunt.
It was my duty, she said dully. Now that the pain faded, she was aware of a heavy restlessness, like Cam had held her high in the air and couldnt decide whether to drag her to safety or drop her to destruction.
It should have been more. Regret deepened his voice. I was a clumsy oaf.
Ill live. With every minute, her aches subsided. The physical ones at least.
Pen, dont be gallant. I cant bear it. Then in a shaking voice, he asked, Why the hell didnt you tell me you were a virgin?
She started. Why would you think I wasnt? Then shame filled her. Its because I let you touch me on the yacht, isnt it?
Shocked denial made him grimace. No!
She stared into Cams face and wondered just what hed imagined shed been up to. The possibilities made her sick. She looked away and mumbled, I dont want to talk about this now.
Well have to talk about it sometime, he said implacably.
Just not now. Through her misery and exhaustion, anger stirred as she recalled him asking her to be his mistress. Hed obviously spent the last weeks convinced that he traveled with a woman who rivaled Jezebel for wickedness.
While nothing had matched the pleasure shed found in his kisses and caresses, she hadnt absolutely hated the act. She wished desperately she knew more about what men and women did together. After all those racy conversations in Continental salons, shed considered herself worldly. None of those sly, witty exchanges had hinted at the raw, earthy reality of a mans body pushing into a tight female passage.
She stared up at the tester. Shed never see the Rothermere unicorns without remembering how Cam had thundered into her. Given shed just signed up to a lifetime as the Duchess of Sedgemoor, those unicorns would remind her over and over.
You should go back to your room. She rose against the pillows and dragged the sheet up. Lying naked beside him, she felt too much like a ritual sacrifice. She winced. Changing her position launched a barrage of new twinges. Between her legs, she felt sore and sticky.
Hed flung one arm over his eyes, so she had no idea whether hed drifted off or whether he merely avoided his dissatisfied bride. Except the dissatisfied bride couldnt help stealing this opportunity to study the superb masculine form beside her. Long, lean, powerful. Intriguingly hairy on his chest and down there.
Surreptitious interest stirred in places that she thought could never react again. The heaviness between her legs turned hot and insistent, instead of purely uncomfortable.
One question beat at her over and over. Was the act always like that?
Do you really want to be alone? Cam sounded weary and reasonable, a different man from the passionate seducer. Ill go if you like, but I need to make amends and I cant manage that from behind a closed door.
As long as we dont have to do it again, she said stiffly, sidling toward the edge of the bed.
Youre safe, he said grimly. Without taking his arm from his eyes, he caught her wrist with his other hand.
She tensed, but as his hold was loose enough to break, she didnt shake him off. I dont feel safe.
His expressive mouth, visible beneath his forearm, thinned. You used to.
That was before.
Sighing, he lowered his arm and released her. Shed seen his expression after hed taken her. Hed looked ready to slit his throat to save the world the trouble of shooting him. He still looked like hed forsaken his last hope for happiness. Her heart twisted with a stupid female need to assuage his cares.
She battered down the impulse to take him in her arms. What comfort had he offered when hed so ruthlessly used her? Then left her incomplete at the end.
I can apologize again, Pen, he said bleakly.
She avoided his desolate jade gaze and stared down to where her fingers folded and unfolded the sheet with idiot compulsion. Dont.
A silence fell, then she felt the mattress move as he rolled away. She should be glad he went, but something in her was disappointed that he didnt stay to persuade her. Not into doing that. But shed appreciate him making an effort.
Oh, devil take her, she was a complete mess. She wanted this. She wanted that. None of it made any sense. After what Cam had done, she shouldnt want to see him again. However impractical that might be, given todays marriage ceremony.
She was almost as annoyed with herself as she was with Cam.
Which didnt prevent her watching as he walked away. The back view was just as spectacular as the front. The proud set of the head, even now when his pride smarted because hed failed to satisfy his bride. The wide powerful shoulders. The straight, well-muscled back. The firm globes of his buttocks.
Like her, he still bore the shipwrecks marks. Healing bruises and abrasions, including a slash of dark purple across his ribs. Anger ebbed out of reach, although disappointment remained. Whatever tonights disaster, hed nearly died saving her.
She waited for him to enter the dukes apartments, but instead he veered off into the luxurious bathing room. Disgruntled, Pen straightened against the pillows. If he wanted to wash, couldnt he do it in his own rooms?
He emerged carrying a bowl and towel, and with another towel slung low around his narrow hips. He set a small mahogany table beside the bed and placed the bowl upon it. He turned and with one hand, hooked up the heavy red robe, covering himself.
Lie down, he said softly.
Why? she asked suspiciously.
Im going to make you feel better.
She bit back a sniping response that his absence would achieve that most effectively. Anyway, it wasnt true. As her discomfort faded, she felt lonely and teary and desperately in need of kindness. Even if the kindness came from the man who had hurt her.
Very gently he pried the covers from her clinging hands and drew them down, revealing her nakedness. Tonight shed cursed her stupidity more than once. She cursed it again when she realized that she should have gone in search of a fresh nightdress while he was in the other room.
She acted a complete ninny. A brazen ninny at that.
Leave me alone, she said, grabbing uselessly after the covers.
Pen, a wash will help. He paused, and she knew he hated having to reiterate his good intentions. I promise, only a wash.
The urge to curl into herself and hide from those probing eyes was strong, but something in his face told her that if she did, shed hurt him, as shed hurt him when shed claimed that she no longer felt safe. Yet again she derided her soft heart.
Very well, she said reluctantly, stretching out.
She watched him wring out the cloth and lift it over her stomach. Before he touched her, she grabbed his hand. This doesnt mean Ive forgiven you.
His gaze darted up to meet hers and she read his profound remorse. Unfortunately, remorse didnt strike her as a particularly strong foundation for marriage.
Pen, let me do this. He made no attempt to break away. Please.
Pen wasnt proof against Cams uncharacteristic humility. Reluctantly she released him. He took the gesture as permission to continue. Very carefully, he began to wash her. Starting with what should have been unexceptional places like arms and neck. He winced every time he touched one of the yellowing bruises from her ordeal after the Windhover went down.
She should be immune to Cams touch, but her skin tingled as the warm, damp flannel wiped away the nights sweat and, she had to confess, much of the bitterness.
When he trailed the cloth over her midriff, every muscle clenched. By the time he reached her breasts, she breathed unsteadily. He didnt linger, but the soft friction had her nipples hardening as if he kissed them. She mistrusted the wayward responses that left her lightheaded as though shed had too much claret.
Methodically, he moved to her legs, washing thighs and knees and shins and feet. This felt like slow seduction, although she caught his flinch when he saw the blood on her thighs.
He dipped the cloth in the water and gently parted her legs. She made a soft sound of distress.
Slowly he raised his head as if emerging from a daze. Hed concentrated so hard on what he did, hed barely looked beyond the area of skin he washed. His eyes were as lifeless as malachite in his dark, intense face. Trust me, Pen.
She bit her lip. Shed trusted him earlier and had come to grief. But she couldnt deny a lifetime of love. She let her legs fall open, although no man had seen the private hollows of her body. He thoroughly washed each fold and valley, soothing every sting. His gentleness squeezed her heart into a tiny ball.
She bit back another whimper, not this time of discomfort. Although this intimacy made her more embarrassed than shed ever been in her life. How could her body respond like this? After years of imagining a man in her bed, of imagining this man in her bed, she knew now what happened. Pain. Shame. Regret. Powerlessness.