Paige. The kids. The bills. The store. Tomorrow. The next day.
Breathe out.
Mommy? Annie said behind me. Why are you blowing so much noise and letting out such big long breaths?
I turned to her. She was six, but shed matured so much in the last few months. Shed had to. I didnt want to ask her, but the words came out before I could clamp my mouth shut.
Banannie? Did you tell your mama about our trip to Great America?
She nodded, big nods so her ponytail flipped up and down.
What did you say?
I told her about the rides and how fun it was except for the Ferris wheel and how we got stuck up there forever. She laughed, but it was a nervous laugh. Remember that?
I do.
She stuck her hands in her pockets.
What, Mommy?
Did you mention, possibly, that we almost got in an accident?
The big head nod again. That was scary! Remember how the tires screeched?
I do.
Why do you sound so funny?
Annie? Did you mention that I yelled at you and Zach?
Annie started whimpering and nodding, barely now, her chin tucked into her chest.
Honey, its okay. Youre not in trouble. I just need to know.
She was asking me and asking me! She kept asking me questions and you and Daddy told me always tell the truth, no matter what. So I did. You did say the G-D word Grandpa always says before Grandma gets mad at him. Remember?
I couldnt help but smile. Even though fear pulsed through me. I do, though Im trying like crazy to forget. Id kinda hoped youd forgotten.
Nope. I remember it perfectly. You know she tapped her forehead elephant memory. You said, You kids shut up! I cant goddamn drive! And you hit the steering wheel really hard. And then you held your hand and said, Ow. Did I do something wrong, Mommy?
I couldnt help but smile. Even though fear pulsed through me. I do, though Im trying like crazy to forget. Id kinda hoped youd forgotten.
Nope. I remember it perfectly. You know she tapped her forehead elephant memory. You said, You kids shut up! I cant goddamn drive! And you hit the steering wheel really hard. And then you held your hand and said, Ow. Did I do something wrong, Mommy?
No, sweetie. You didnt do anything wrong, I did. And Paige, I thought but didnt say. Grilling Annie to get information. Shame on her. But then, Id done the same thing by asking Annie about it. Shame on me.
Chapter Twelve
Despite the scare from Paige, I pressed on. We called a family meeting. David had already filled Joe Sr and Marcella in on both my idea for the store and the financial situation. Joe Sr cut to the chase: Ella, you listen to me. This family has been through hard times before. Shortly after my papa opened Capozzis, he had to go away, due to circumstances beyond his control. But this town, it pulled together and helped my mama, and the store, and our family survived. This store is my papas, our familys legacy. And it will go to Annie and Zach someday. He grabbed both my shoulders and looked me straight in the eye. Mother and I will do whatever we can to help save the store. Weve got some money socked away for a rainy day. Well help you remodel it. Its for our grandchildren. What grandparent can say no to that?
If only Joe had known thats how his dad would react.
One thing Joe and I had managed to get right was our wills. Wed written them up when we got married, and he willed the store to me, with the understanding that I would be taking care of Annie and Zach if anything should happen to him. Now I agreed to invest most of the insurance proceeds and to sell an interest in the store to Marcella, Joe Sr, and David. In return, they would kick in money, and wed remodel and add a commercial kitchen. Things would be tight for a while, no one was going to be making big bucks, but we were all willing to think of it as an investment.
Besides, everyone agreed that we all needed a big project, that we would do it to honour Joe. David patted Marcellas arm and said, Id be honoured to be the chef, but only with Mas help. Marcella beamed the happiest Id seen her since before wed lost Joe.
I wanted Annie and Zach to be in on the plans, so a few days after we settled everything, I took them on a picnic.
When Joe was alive, he was always the planner, the one whod come home and say, Lets go, always an element of surprise along the way. He loved to surprise us, to surprise just me sometimes too. He arranged for the kids to stay with his parents and made reservations at a bed-and-breakfast up in Mendocino or had the truck packed for camping. Id never see it coming. His surprises had a kaleidoscope quality to them, revealing something new at each turn. A drive turned into a stop at an inn, which turned into dinner, which turned into an overnight, which turned into a weekend away, with picnics and packed clothes and books and thermoses of hot tea. He didnt plan expensive trips he knew the owners, or Joe Sr did, or they were related in some way that always meant big discounts and extra desserts. The few times Id tried to surprise him, Id accidentally leave some clue a phone number lying on the counter, or a message on the machine from the camera store. But he always covered his tracks. Once Id joked, You cover your tracks way too well. You better not ever have an affair.
I unbuckled Zach from his car seat, still thinking about how carefully Joe planned his surprises, how much Id loved that about him, and how at the time, Id known that was one thing that made our romance possible, even though it grew in the midst of needy young children. Surprise dates. Time alone. Knowing he cared enough to plan. Me, distracted enough to surprise. Distracted enough to think everything was okay, even when it wasnt.
Now it was my job to plan the outings and fix the things I hadnt noticed. Callie led us down the path into Quilted Woods, a place sacred to Joe and me, and one I wouldnt include on the picnic map. It was private property, but the owners didnt mind if the locals used it. Theyd even built a wooden platform for people to give performances or have weddings under the redwoods.
I loved the way redwoods grow in circular groves, reproducing through suckers shoots that root in the ground and form new trees which draw nourishment from the mother tree, even from its roots after the tree is long gone hundreds, even thousands of years. And yet, if you were to take the younger shoots away from the mother tree and attempt to replant them, they would most likely wither and die.
The kids ran up to the stage area while I spread the blanket in a clearing. The redwoods canopied a forest of Douglas fir, western hemlock, tanbark oak. Moss carpeted the rocks and fallen trunks, and a rich array of plant life ferns, bleeding hearts, oxalis, wild ginger, to name a few spread between them. Once, when no one was around and wed drunk a little wine, Joe and I had made love in these woods. Id worn a long skirt, which I kept on, lowering myself onto him. He unbuttoned my shirt, and I remembered how warm and buttery the slant of sun and his hands felt on my nipples, how hard and full and slow he was inside me. Now I felt a pull I hadnt felt since hed died.
A bird, a mama killdeer, white-breasted with dark rings like necklaces, had seen me and was pretending to have a broken wing. Shed take a few tiny steps, dragging her wing on the ground. Then take a few more steps. What an actress. Her babies must have been close by, and she was doing a great job distracting me. I wish it could be that simple with Paige. Just pretend I broke my arm and then shed somehow completely forget about the kids.
The kids.
I jumped up. Annie and Zach were gone. I looked towards the bridge, where they liked to throw sticks and run to the other side to watch them rush by. They werent there, either. And what about Callie? I called out, but no one answered. The creek wasnt deep enough for them to slip in and drown was it? I started to run, to call their names. Callie didnt even bark a response.
I found them too far past the bridge. How long had I been thinking about making love with Joe? Watching the killdeer? They were throwing handfuls of blackberries up in the air, yelling, Here you go! Here you go! and laughing wildly.
What in the world are you doing? My fear and ready reprimand dissolved. Besides, I didnt want Annie to realize Id lost track of them and then tell Paige. But what were they doing? Even Callie sat watching them, cocking her head in wonderment.
They kept snatching more off the bush, oblivious to the thorns, the juice and blood from their scratches mixing in tiny rivulets down their arms. Annie laughed again. Dont you know? Were sending Daddy berries.
To heaven! Zach yelled. And someday Im going to go to heaven to visit him! On Thomas the Tank Engine!
Actually, Annie said, stopping to aim her grin directly at me. Were sending him Rubus fruticosus. It was one of the first Latin plant names my father had taught me. And I had taught Annie. And like me, she had a knack for remembering.
Later, as we ate lunch, I told them how we were going to make the store a place to get picnic baskets and good lunches and games. I reminded them how Daddys grandpa had built the store, how it had been in the family, and told them how it was ours and Uncle Davids and Nonnas and Nonnos. That we would always remember Daddy whenever we were at the store. That now they were going to be a big part of it too, because I would need their help, and that someday it would be theirs, if they wanted it when they grew up.
Later, as we ate lunch, I told them how we were going to make the store a place to get picnic baskets and good lunches and games. I reminded them how Daddys grandpa had built the store, how it had been in the family, and told them how it was ours and Uncle Davids and Nonnas and Nonnos. That we would always remember Daddy whenever we were at the store. That now they were going to be a big part of it too, because I would need their help, and that someday it would be theirs, if they wanted it when they grew up.
Daddy loved picnics, Annie said.
Yes, he did.
Daddy was the picnic CRUSADER! Zach said, bolting up, while I reached out to keep a couple of cups from spilling all over our lunch spread.
Yes, he was.
Mommy? he asked. I want to be a picnic crusader too. Can I use this picnic blanket for a cape?