There hadnt really been anyone before Marcus. Not since coming to university, anyway. Thered been a few things at parties, and shed slept with one of her housemates a bunch of times, but nothing serious enough to make her change her relationship setting. With Marcus it had been different, almost immediately. Hed asked her out, like formally, and theyd had late-night conversations about their relationship and what relationships meant and even whether or not they were in love and how they would know and whether love could ever be defined without reference to the other. She didnt really know. She thought being in love probably didnt mean telling your girlfriend what she could wear when you went to the pub together, or asking her not to talk to certain people, or telling her she was the reason you couldnt finish your thesis.
They hadnt moved in together, but almost as soon as theyd started going out their possessions had begun drifting from one house to the other until it felt like they were just living together in two places. Sometimes when she woke up it took her a moment to remember which house she was in. It wasnt always a nice feeling. Which meant, what? She fully had no idea what it meant. Because she liked Marcus, she liked him a lot. She liked the conversations they had, which were smart and complicated and went on for hours. And she liked the way he looked at her when he wanted to do the things shed been thinking about in class when she should have been thinking about discourses of liminality, when shed been imagining saying he was welcome to cross her threshold any day. There was still all that. But there were other things. Things that made her uncomfortable, uncertain, things she was pretty sure werent part of how a relationship was supposed to make you feel happy or good about yourself or whatever it was a relationship was supposed to make you feel.
She should be calling him now, and she wasnt. Hed want her to have called, when he heard. Something like this. He should be the first person she thought of calling. Hed think it was odd that she hadnt. Hed be hurt. She thought about calling Jenny instead, to tell her what had happened, or her supervisor, to tell her shed be late getting back to the office. She should call someone, probably, but she couldnt really imagine having the words to explain it and she couldnt face having anyone else tell her she could have been killed and plus anyway she was totally fine, wasnt she? She looked down at the sugar-beet again. Was that what that smell was? It wasnt a sugary smell at all. It was more like an earthy smell, like wet earth, like something rotting in the earth. She didnt see how they could get from that to a bowl of white sugar on a café table, or even to that sort of wet, boozy smell you got when you drove past the refinery, coming up the A1. Which come to think of it was probably where the lorry would have been heading. It would be, what, an hours drive from here? Maybe she should go there and give them back their sugar-beet, tell them what had happened. Complain, maybe.
The passenger door opened, and the older man leaned in towards her.
You need to get out, he said. It seemed a bit too directive, the way he said it. She didnt move. Its not safe, being on the hard shoulder like this, he added. We should all be behind the barrier. Theyd been discussing this, had they? It looked like theyd been discussing something. The older man was already holding out his hand to help her across the passenger seat. She looked at the traffic, roaring and weaving and hurtling past, and she remembered hearing about incidents where people had been struck and killed on the hard shoulder, when they were changing a tyre, or going for a piss, or just stopping to help. She remembered her cousin once telling her about a school minibus which had driven into the back of a Highways Maintenance truck and burst into flames. Which meant they were right about this, did it, probably? She swung her feet over into the passengers side, took the mans hand, and squeezed out on to the tarmac. It was an awkward manoeuvre, and she didnt think shed completed it with much elegance or style. The younger man was already standing behind the barrier, and she clambered over to join him. She didnt do that very gracefully either. He started climbing up the embankment.
Just in case, he said, looking back at her. Meaning what, she wondered. Something could flip, couldnt it? he said, and he did something with his hands which was presumably supposed to look like a vehicle striking a barrier and somersaulting across it. The older man caught her eye, and nodded, and she followed them both up the embankment, through the litter and the long grass.
It was much colder at the top. Sort of exposed. The wind was whipping away the sound of the traffic, making her feel further from the road than they really were. The two men looked awkward, as though maybe they were uncomfortable about the time this whole situation was taking. The younger man made the whistling noise again. She could barely hear it against the wind.
Youre lucky, he said, nodding down towards her car. I mean, you know. Youre lucky we stopped. You could have been killed. She didnt know what to say to this. She nodded, and folded her arms against the cold. The older man arched his back, rubbing at his neck with both hands.
Theyll be here soon, he said, and she nodded again, looking around.
Behind them, the ground sloped away towards a small woodland of what she thought might be hawthorn or rowan trees or something like that. The ones with the red berries. There were ragged strips of bin-liners and carrier-bags hanging from the branches, flapping in the wind. Past the trees, there was a warehouse, and an access road, and she noticed that the streetlights along the access road were coming on already. Beyond the access road, a few miles further away, there were some houses which she wasnt sure if they were some estate on the outskirts of Hull or some other town altogether. Hull was further than that, she was pretty sure. It was the other side of the estuary, and they were still south of the river. Almost certainly.
The older man started down the slope, towards the trees. Im just going to, you know, he said. While were waiting. She turned away, looking back at the road. She was getting colder now. She looked at her car, and at the blue van. They were both rocking gently in the slipstream of the passing traffic, their hazard lights blinking in sequence. She wondered if she felt like crying yet. She didnt think so. It still didnt seem like the right moment.
She would talk to Marcus at the weekend, she decided. Hed understand, when it came down to it. Once he gave her a chance to explain. Shed say something like although theyd been good together at times and she was still very fond of him she just couldnt see where things were going for them. She didnt like the way he made her feel about herself, sometimes. She needed some time to find out who she was and what she needed from a relationship. Something like that.
Shed tried it out with Jenny. Jenny had said it sounded about right. Jenny had said she thought Marcus was reasonable and would probably take it on board, although obviously hed still be disappointed. That was how she talked sometimes, like she was a personal guidance counsellor or something, or an older and wiser cousin. Whereas in fact she was only like a year older, and had spent that year mostly in Thailand and Australia, which was her version of travelling the world and which she thought made her the total source of wisdom when in fact it made her the total source of knowing about youth hostels and full-moon parties and not even having heard of Philip fucking Larkin. And she was wrong about Marcus. It was way more likely he would shout at her when she told him. Or break something. It wouldnt be the first time. Everyone thought he was so reasonable. But she wasnt going to back down this time. She was certain of it, suddenly. Something like this, it made you think about things, about your priorities. She could say that to him, in fact. She could explain what had happened and that it had made her rethink a few things. Maybe she should call him now in fact, and tell him what had happened. So hed already have the context when she talked about wanting to finish things. Maybe that would be sensible. She should do that. She wanted to do that, she realised. She wanted to hear his voice, and to know that he knew she was okay. Which meant what. She wanted him to know where she was. Her phone was still in her bag, in the car. She started to move down the embankment. The younger man grabbed her arm.
She would talk to Marcus at the weekend, she decided. Hed understand, when it came down to it. Once he gave her a chance to explain. Shed say something like although theyd been good together at times and she was still very fond of him she just couldnt see where things were going for them. She didnt like the way he made her feel about herself, sometimes. She needed some time to find out who she was and what she needed from a relationship. Something like that.
Shed tried it out with Jenny. Jenny had said it sounded about right. Jenny had said she thought Marcus was reasonable and would probably take it on board, although obviously hed still be disappointed. That was how she talked sometimes, like she was a personal guidance counsellor or something, or an older and wiser cousin. Whereas in fact she was only like a year older, and had spent that year mostly in Thailand and Australia, which was her version of travelling the world and which she thought made her the total source of wisdom when in fact it made her the total source of knowing about youth hostels and full-moon parties and not even having heard of Philip fucking Larkin. And she was wrong about Marcus. It was way more likely he would shout at her when she told him. Or break something. It wouldnt be the first time. Everyone thought he was so reasonable. But she wasnt going to back down this time. She was certain of it, suddenly. Something like this, it made you think about things, about your priorities. She could say that to him, in fact. She could explain what had happened and that it had made her rethink a few things. Maybe she should call him now in fact, and tell him what had happened. So hed already have the context when she talked about wanting to finish things. Maybe that would be sensible. She should do that. She wanted to do that, she realised. She wanted to hear his voice, and to know that he knew she was okay. Which meant what. She wanted him to know where she was. Her phone was still in her bag, in the car. She started to move down the embankment. The younger man grabbed her arm.