Another thing I didnt know was whether Rays mum still lived round in town or if she was still alive or what. I didnt know if he knew. Maybe Ray hadnt said anything about it because he was assuming Id be as much of a cunt about it as hed been when I told him about my mum. Who I happened to know had passed on, even though it had been a while before anyone had thought to tell me about it. I missed the funeral when I was inside. That was bad enough but it would have been good to know it was going on. This was what I dont know why I bothered telling Ray one night, when wed first got here and Jackie had told us all about what she wanted doing, and given us some binbags for cleaning out the caravan, and come down from the house with a couple of fresh pillows and said I dont know about the rest of whats in there but if youre anything like me youll at least want decent pillows.
They wouldnt have let me go to the funeral anyway but it would have been nice to have been told. It was up in Scotland. Scotland of all places. She never would have wanted to be buried there. She only went up there because her bloke said hed had enough of it round here and he was going back to Scotland whether she wanted to go with him or not. She told me that, the last time she visited before she went up there. She was good at visiting, Ill give her that. Given everything that had gone off. She said I could go up and join them when I got out, if I liked. While I got back on my feet. Right, I said. Scotland. She said would I write, and I said yes I would, Id write. Id definitely write. What was she thinking, Scotland. She must have hated it up there. She never would have wanted to be buried there. I knew she wouldnt. That was what I told Ray about. Scotland had more or less come up in conversation somehow, so that was what I told him about. I said she should have been buried down here, where her family were buried, where the rest of her family still lived. People could go and visit her grave and that then, I said. My grandad had even paid for a plot for her in town. Id known about that for years. She would have told her bloke about that, I was sure, but he went right ahead and buried her up there in Scotland. I was going to get in touch with my sister at some point. There was a legal thing involved, there were certain rights due to being next of kin. I was going to apply for her to be like transferred or something, once Id spoken to my sister about it. She had a plot waiting for her in town here. She wasnt supposed to be all the way up there where nobody knew her besides that bloke.
Ray thought it was funny. The idea of moving someone like that, once they were dead. The idea of anyone giving a shit where they were buried once they were dead, was what he said. What he said as well was hed buy me a shovel himself. That was when I told him to shut up. He said I will Ill buy you a shovel. I said Ray, leave it. He said dont worry about fucking legal process, Ill buy you a shovel and you can dig up your mam. I said Ray fucking leave it, and I put him on his back and he stopped laughing then.
One thing I remember about Rays mum. I dont remember much but theres this. When we were kids. We all called round to his house one day and when he opened the front door we heard his mum going Ray will you close the bloody door will you, and when we looked up there she was in the bathroom at the top of the stairs with the door wide open, sat on the throne with everything round her ankles. The bathroom door wide open, and now the front door. And Ray just stood there talking to us and ignoring her while she went Ray! Ray! Will you close the bloody door there Ray! The door! And all of us trying not to look but we must have looked at least once because later wed all agreed that you could see her bone china and everything. And Ray just kept us there talking for as long as he could before he put his jacket on and came out and left the front door wide open so we could hear her calling after him as we walked away. Ray! Will you get back here and close this bloody door Ray! And the thing we all noticed but nobody said was that it was the exact same voice she used when she called him in for his tea, or just whenever wed heard her speaking to him at all.
*
It was Rays car but he mostly let me do the driving. He said the angle of the pedals made his bad back flare up, but also it was because he had trouble concentrating. Plus the blackouts. It was a very particular type of car. It had taken some getting used to. It took a while even getting it started. Also the foot-brake didnt really work properly so I mostly had to rely on the handbrake. Which was another reason I drove so slowly on the way over to the Stewart place that night. We drove right round the back of the marquee and parked up by the catering tent. The catering vans werent there.
They wont be back until the morning, Ray says. Like he knew. Like hed been casing the joint or anything. We sat there for a while with the engine running, figuring things out. We could see the portable toilets off to one side of the marquee, and people standing around talking. There was a big floodlight over the toilet, meaning we could see them and they couldnt see us. There was a lot of cheering whenever a new song came on, which meant it was probably only the young ones left in there and the old or sober ones had gone home.
Someone knocked on the window. He had a look of the Stewarts about him. Big square chin and red face and floppy hair. Ray wound down the window. The younger Stewart asked us if we were okay. He was smoking a cigar, or at least he was holding a cigar and wondering what to do with it. Ray looked at him.
Was everything okay with your food? Ray says. The younger Stewart looked confused. He asked us if we were with the caterers. I told him we were just picking up a few things that couldnt be left overnight. He nodded and told us that was a good idea. He turned away and turned back and told us the food had been bloody lovely. We waited until hed gone back round the corner with his cigar. Ray got out of the car.
Keep the engine running, he says. I think this was meant to sound dramatic but it was obvious and he didnt need to say it. If Id turned the engine off we wouldnt have got it started again until the next day.
Keep the engine running, he says again. I dont know why he had to say it twice.
*
We must have got about fifty yards back from the can and we were nowhere near knocking it down any more and Ray was still on with his story about writing the porno story. He said hed just been getting to the best bit when he noticed that the student or schoolgirl or whoever was standing next to his seat. He said he didnt really know how long shed been standing there. She asked him did she know him or like had she met him before, and he didnt really know what she was getting at so he just said no, sorry, he didnt think shed met him anywhere.
Then Ray got up and more or less started acting it out, which I could have done without. I just sat there looking at the lake, holding my can, waiting for him to get on with it. He stood there next to me, closer than I could have done with bearing in mind the facilities available to us at the caravan. He had his hand on his hip, meaning I suppose thats how he thought girls always stood when they were talking to you, and he put on this voice which must have been his idea of a girls voice but sounded more like a cat or something. He said, in this voice, with his hand on his hip, that I kept looking at him like I knew him or something and it was making him like uncomfortable and he would rather I didnt. The way he said it, there was a question mark at the end of each sentence. Also, the way he said it, it sounded like he was about to slap me round the face. He sat down again, as Ray.
Then Ray got up and more or less started acting it out, which I could have done without. I just sat there looking at the lake, holding my can, waiting for him to get on with it. He stood there next to me, closer than I could have done with bearing in mind the facilities available to us at the caravan. He had his hand on his hip, meaning I suppose thats how he thought girls always stood when they were talking to you, and he put on this voice which must have been his idea of a girls voice but sounded more like a cat or something. He said, in this voice, with his hand on his hip, that I kept looking at him like I knew him or something and it was making him like uncomfortable and he would rather I didnt. The way he said it, there was a question mark at the end of each sentence. Also, the way he said it, it sounded like he was about to slap me round the face. He sat down again, as Ray.
I could have done without him acting it out but I knew what he was on about. The way these girls are so self-assertive nowadays. They must teach it them at school. Ray wouldnt have been looking at her like that, like the way she said. But there wouldnt have been anything he could say about it. He would have had to just keep his mouth shut and look at the floor. Thats what they do. They get you like that. Wouldnt mind being a bit self-assertive like that myself, sometimes. Certain situations it would have helped. I asked Ray what he did after that and he said what did I think hed done hed got off the train at the next stop.
These birds all went over then. Geese or something. We could hear their wings going. I still hadnt hit the can from that distance, so I shuffled my chair forward a bit when Ray wasnt looking. It didnt seem like it was getting dark but the lights had gone on in Jackies house. I said maybe it was time to light a fire. I said it was Rays turn to get the wood. He said it was my turn. I got the last of the pallets and broke them up with a crowbar and heaped them up in the usual place. Some more of those birds went over and when I looked up I noticed the sky was going out at the edges. I hadnt noticed the sun going down. I went and got some lighter fluid from the caravan and lit the fire. We could see Jackie standing at her bedroom window looking over at the Stewart place. We could hear the kids at one of the houses by the church going on their trampoline. Heard it most nights. Someone should take some light oil to the springs. I sat down again and told Ray that when my daughter was little shed always called them jumpolines. He asked when the fuck Id had a daughter. I told him I wasnt going to go into it. He got up to go to the caravan, and I said if he kept polishing his crockery like that it was going to get chipped or something. He didnt think that was funny. He came over and put me off the chair and drew blood from my nose and then he went in the caravan and turned the radio on in there. Thing with Ray is hes one of those people who can drink as much as they want without causing any problems. Its when the drink runs out is when you want to watch him.