The Head. A freak. Lily was five and had witnessed its birth. A reliable sow from the old herd had been mated with a boar. The farms first boar. Theyd built a special enclosure just for him. It had been an experiment. Her father had wanted the best of both worlds. Hed called it toe-dipping. And sure enough, the sow had delivered eight healthy young, but then The Head had come, last of all, and it had taken the mother with it. Like Shiwa. God of destruction.
Lily didnt get a good look at it, initially. Her father had tried to hide it. Hed tossed it aside and kicked straw over it, like he did with all the stillborn babies whenever Lily was in attendance. But then hed been obliged to run into the house to call a vet when the mother began struggling, so Lily had taken her chance to inspect the freak as it lay caked and smothered in its musty tomb of hay and grass.
When she pulled its cover aside, so tentatively, what had she seen? Shed seen a head extended, elongated and the remainder of a body; like a tiny, moist mitten. The body of a baby rat. Or a gerbil. No tail though. But it had lived! She knew it lived. Its mouth moved. Its eyes were as round and as trusting as a puppys. Its skin was pale and soft and glossy like blancmange. She wanted to touch it but her father returned, yelled at her and then sent her indoors.
The next day she could find no sign of it. The Head had gone. And she knew in her gut that he had done it in. Her own father. But The Head did not go, ultimately, because it infiltrated Lilys dreams. It inked up her mind like an octopus. And it felt, strangely, as though there had been a space, a special gap in her imagination which was only just big enough to be inhabited by this particular creature. As though the creature had known that she lacked something. As if it had known that she needed it to feel complete. It satiated her. It became a deity. And so Lily celebrated it, and in celebrating it, she celebrated, however lop-sidedly, her own sweet self.
When she pulled its cover aside, so tentatively, what had she seen? Shed seen a head extended, elongated and the remainder of a body; like a tiny, moist mitten. The body of a baby rat. Or a gerbil. No tail though. But it had lived! She knew it lived. Its mouth moved. Its eyes were as round and as trusting as a puppys. Its skin was pale and soft and glossy like blancmange. She wanted to touch it but her father returned, yelled at her and then sent her indoors.
The next day she could find no sign of it. The Head had gone. And she knew in her gut that he had done it in. Her own father. But The Head did not go, ultimately, because it infiltrated Lilys dreams. It inked up her mind like an octopus. And it felt, strangely, as though there had been a space, a special gap in her imagination which was only just big enough to be inhabited by this particular creature. As though the creature had known that she lacked something. As if it had known that she needed it to feel complete. It satiated her. It became a deity. And so Lily celebrated it, and in celebrating it, she celebrated, however lop-sidedly, her own sweet self.
Naturally, also, she blamed herself. And her father. She should have saved it. The Head. If only she could have touched it. If only, if only. It had needed understanding but it had received none. While the mother pig lay dying, Lily had watched coldly as the babies all struggled to suckle. They were not pigs and they were not boars. They were little, hairy hybrids. Striped. Distinctive. Cute, certainly, but neither one thing nor the other. Lily despised them. The Head did not consider suckling. He was looking for understanding, not food. He was set apart. The world would have different standards for him. For him things were much more complex. For Lily, also.
Nature was a hard taskmaster, Lily realized. That night she witnessed nature, nurture and then the final blow nothing.
Lily alone grieved for The Head. Shed learned that nobody loved freaks. Not Dad, not Mum. No one loved freaks. Only she loved them. That was her role. And when The Head told her in a dream that she too was a freak, on the inside, and that the only reason Daddy didnt kill her was because he hadnt noticed what a freak she was yet, and that Mummy hadnt caught on either, Lily saw no reason to disbelieve him.
But what if they did see? What was to stop them from covering her with straw? From getting rid of her? And acting afterwards like none of it had ever happened? What was to stop them?
Lily grew furtive. She grew stealthy.
Shed seen Jim. Shed noticed that he had no eyebrows, no eyelashes. He always wore a hat. Hiding something, shed supposed. No hair. She imagined that he was ill, with leukaemia. He looked sick. Too pale. Always alone. Bent over like an old man, his body withered. She watched him. Nothing escaped her. She gathered information because it might come in handy, one day. You could never tell.
Sara was in the kitchen leaning against the Aga drinking hot Vimto when Lily arrived home, soaking wet. She demanded to know what was up. Her daughter should have been at college all afternoon, not dawdling on the beach. Lily couldnt face a confrontation.
Heres what happened, she said, licking the salt from her fingers. I met this man down by Shellness Hamlet. Totally naked. Hes renting one of the prefabs.
You mean the bald one?
No. The bald one doesnt use the beach. He keeps to himself. This guy was fat and smelled of fish. Anyhow, I told him he shouldnt be allowed to walk on a public highway totally stark-ers.
Sara frowned. What did he say?
Nothing. He didnt get my point. He was heading down to the sea for a dip. But then I noticed that hed gone and left his prefab door wide open. I was cycling past, so I couldnt help seeing that all over the floor were these pictures of naked ladies. And I dont mean just naked, I mean weird. Things stuck up their arses and everything. Animals.
My God.
Exactly. So I confronted him about it and he said it was none of my business. I didnt like the look of him. I mean, he was naked. I thought he might turn nasty so I jumped into the sea to avoid him.
Even Sara found this last bit difficult to comprehend.
You jumped into the sea? Why didnt you just ride home?
I dunno. I was angry, I suppose. Hes a sicko. This is a small place. Theres the nudist beach, which attracts the worst kind of people anyway. And now theres this man. Attracted by the nudity. You know? Like this is a sewer. Our home.
Sara shook her head. Its not good, certainly.
Its terrible.
I dont want you going down there again.
Oh no, Lily smiled at this, her eyes icy, no one stops me from going where I want to go and doing what I want to do. No bloody pervert, anyway.
Sara felt vexed by Lilys moral certainty. Go and get changed. Youll catch your death.
Lily had dripped a puddle on to the kitchen flags. She held up her hands. Her knuckles were purple with cold.
Im not saying that theres anything wrong with the human body in its natural state, she said piously. Im not suggesting that for a moment. But what I am saying, though, is that one thing leads to another.
She sounded just like her father.
Im not saying theres anything wrong with the human body in its natural state, Sara said staunchly, but what I am saying is that enoughs enough. My daughter is seventeen. She has a right to travel on a public highway without encountering this kind of thing. Luke was fully dressed. It was hard to believe that he would even consider walking a public highway stark naked.
Maybe you should step inside for a moment.
He pulled the prefabs door wide. Sara saw the picture of the woman with the high breasts. The woman, she noted, was not particularly attractive, which was good, somehow. Even so, she stood her ground. No. I cant stay.
Lily was right. He did smell of fish.
Luke scratched his head. What should he do? Trouble was the last thing hed expected here. Hed come for the emptiness. Hed come for an end to people and their associated burdens and stresses.
Lily arrived home soaking wet, Sara continued.
Luke nodded. She jumped into the sea. I was very surprised.
Sara shifted her weight from one leg to the other. Luke seemed harmless. But it was the harmless ones, she told herself, who were the real danger. Was that logical?
The thing is she cleared her throat, most of the people who live around here were upset about the nudist beach. It was a concession to the Hamlet. Sara pointed, uselessly, because it was pitch dark now. I mean, the fenced-off chalets. And in general the rest of us dont have that much to do with them. They tend to come and go. Summer weekends mainly. They arent what Id call the community proper.
And the prefabs?
Pardon?
This handful of prefabs. Are we the community proper?
Sara frowned. Luke was thinking how gorgeous she was. If Sara had suspected, a feather could have felled her.
I dont know, she said slowly, for some reason we tend to see them as separate.
She thought for a moment. I suppose thats illogical, really.
It is illogical.
Theres the boatmaker at the end of the line. Two along. Hes permanent. And then theres the artists down to the left. But they winter in Ibiza.
Theres the boatmaker at the end of the line. Two along. Hes permanent. And then theres the artists down to the left. But they winter in Ibiza.
Sara felt like she wanted to sneeze. Powerfully. But her nose was clear.
And next to me, Luke added, is Jim.
Jim.
You mean the sick one?
He isnt sick. Its alopecia. Its a condition. You lose all your body hair.
Oh.
Hes a nice guy. He keeps my cigarettes for me.
Pardon?
I gave up smoking, but Ive entrusted him with a packet just in case. Im actually purifying. Thats why Im here. Im downloading.
Purifying? Downloading?
Sara stared at the picture again. Luke smiled. My ex-wife.
Really?
She blushed. Luke noticed. He found it rather touching.
The only thing I dont understand, Sara said, after a short pause, is why her sandals are unfastened.
Luke gazed at Sara with a sense of real wonder. And then he said, so softly that she could hardly hear him, in a whisper, Is it you?
Sara blinked rapidly. Is who me?
He continued to gaze at her, like his face was illuminated from the inside by a high-watt bulb. The glow of it made her step backwards, although she felt in no way intimidated.