Darkmans - Nicola Barker 19 стр.


Kelly stiffened. Dina sniffed the air, like a stag (he could almost hear her antlers rattling) and then turned to her daughter. That old stiff botherin ya, darl? she asked, thumbing towards him, rudely.

This is Beede, Mum, Kelly explained, endeavouring to facilitate a polite introduction. Kanes dad. Ive told you all about him, remember?

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Kelly stiffened. Dina sniffed the air, like a stag (he could almost hear her antlers rattling) and then turned to her daughter. That old stiff botherin ya, darl? she asked, thumbing towards him, rudely.

This is Beede, Mum, Kelly explained, endeavouring to facilitate a polite introduction. Kanes dad. Ive told you all about him, remember?

Nope.

Dina Broad shook her head, refusing, point-blank, to acknowledge this possibility.

Yes I have. He works here

Beede stepped forward and offered Dina his outstretched palm. Im Beede, Daniel Beede. Very pleased to meet you.

Dina ignored his hand.

He on Day Release from the fuckin morgue or what? she asked, with a sideways smirk.

He dont work in the morgue, Mum, Kelly spluttered.

You sure?

Dina gave Beede the once over. Been takin the odd nip of embalmin fluid, have we? she enquired.

Beede smiled, weakly.

She leaned forward and peered down at his feet.

Whats up, Mum?

Kelly leaned forward too, concerned.

Eh? Dina gazed up at her daughter, her eyes watering slightly with repressed hilarity. Im just tryina read what that tag says on his toe, kid

But he dont work in the morgue, Mum, Kelly repeated, shrugging hopelessly, he works in the laundry

Your mother seems a little confused, Beede murmured (plainly eager to paddle awhile himself in Dinas metaphorical slip-stream). Is she operating two rinses short of her spin cycle, perhaps? Kellys eyes bulged.

Dinas mirth evaporated.

Oh yes? Oh really? she exclaimed, straightening her back, her voice taking on a sharp, fluting quality. So you think its a real laugh, do ya? A real, fuckin hoot, eh? To rip the piss out of a poor woman whos stuck in a wheelchair?

Beede mulled this over for a second, frowning. Im not quite sure. Do you mean literally stuck?

It was the biggest one we could find, Larry interjected (keen not to be found wanting in his capacity as Dinas temporary carer).

Everybody turned to stare at him, Dina with a look of especial ferocity.

He removed his hands from the chair and patted his damp palms on to the front of his jumper, I was only he muttered.

Dina spun back around to face Kelly again. Who is this man? she enquired imperiously.

I dunno. Who are you? Kelly asked.

Larry. Larry said, Ive come to visit my aunt.

Then FUCK RIGHT OFF AN VISIT HER! Dina yelled.

Larry took a quick step back, then paused. But I promised Matron that Id return the he pointed, limply, to Dinas chair just as soon as we

Dina flew around and tried to swipe him with her stick. Larry took yet another step back. Theres no need for that he tried to caution her. She swiped again, this time making contact with his right knee.

Ow.

Now GET LOST, DICK!

The chair tipped, quite alarmingly, to one side.

I think you mightve developed a puncture, Larry said (not intending to provoke, but succeeding, nonetheless).

Dina lobbed her stick at him. She missed her target. Larry scarpered.

Okay, Dina turned back around, snapped her fingers at Beede, and pointed. Go fetch.

Pardon?

Beedes thermostat instantly clicked on to freeze (Kelly could almost hear his engine buzzing).

Dina immediately felt his chill (it was three-star), and pulled her coat tighter.

Well what else does the old fart get paid for? she grumbled, glancing over her shoulder (the stick had just been kicked out of the way by a very flustered expectant father). Oi! Dyou MIND?!

Beedes in charge of the laundry, Mum, Kelly gently explained. He aint a porter.

Okay, Dina smiled, grimly. Well if he wont fetch my stick for me, who will?

She gazed up at Kelly, moist-eyed (like an over-bred Pekinese begging pork rind at dinner). Kelly (whod been virtually weaned on this particular look) started to get up.

Just stay where you are, Beede barked, immediately setting off to retrieve the stick himself. Dina whistled, appreciatively, as he bent over, then cackled, explosively, as he straightened up.

I cant believe I smashed my damn phone Kelly tried valiantly to defuse the situation with a little light conversation, if Ive lost all my numbers Ill go feral, I swear

Huh? Dina squinted up at her, boredly.

They reckon its a clean break Kelly yammered on, breathlessly.

What is? Dina interrupted.

My leg.

Oh. Dina sighed, expansively.

And the doc who took the x-ray said Id be done in a few hours. So if the shops still open

Which shop?

The phone shop.

Good idea, Dina conceded. An those brown shoesIl be ready at the cobblers. You can grab em while youre at it. I got the slip here She took her purse from the handbag on her lap and removed the slip from inside it.

Beede was now standing beside her, proffering her the stick. Keep ya wig on! she cautioned him, handing the slip over to her daughter.

I could grab us some take-away, Kelly continued helpfully, for supper. What dya fancy, Mum? Thai? Pizza?

Beede proffered Dina her stick again. She took it this time, with a sultry look.

So you work here, then? she asked (pointedly ignoring Kelly).

I do.

Good. So you can push me over to Outpatients, pronto.

Beede frowned, confused. But Kelly isnt even in surgery, yet

I have an appointment, stupid, Dina informed him imperiously, casually inspecting her watch. Blood test. Two-thirty

Beede glanced over at Kelly, his lips tightening (her face fell for moment, but then she rapidly rallied. The speed of the rallying he felt was almost the saddest part).

But of course you do, she murmured, scratching her head, Tuesday. Two-thirty. Id totally forgot

One of these fine days, Mrs Broad informed her, majestically, you might actually appreciate that not every little thing on this fuckin planet revolves around you, Kell.

She prodded Beede with her stick. Oi! You! Uncle Fester! Lets split!

Without further ado, Beede promptly stationed himself behind the chair and began to push. Five paces down the corridor and still within ear-shot he leaned gently forward and murmured, I must have a quick word with you about your dogs

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Kelly gasped, ducked her head, stopped breathing, her thin body stiffening (as if preparing for some kind of monumental impact), but Beede kept right on pushing, and before she knew it, they were inside the service lift and the doors were firmly shut. How long had it taken? Twenty seconds? Less?

She took one deep breath, then another. Her hands gradually unclenched. She blinked. She glanced up and peered warily around her. Close by, a woman with second-degree burns on her knuckles was sitting her head tilted slightly and gawping.

Shows over, love, Kelly hissed.

Then she placed the slip for the cobblers into the lining of her bra, plumped up her hair, threw back her skinny shoulders and pouted.

SEVEN

The Dog Warden (whom Beede had phoned from work with Dinas express permissionJust stare into my eyesdeep into my eyes. Good. Now does it look like I give a shit?) was actually so familiar with the Broads and their lurchers that he didnt even require an excuse, an explanation or a return address, he simply turned up within the hour clutching an unwieldy pole with a wire loop on the end of it to facilitate their subjugation.

Kane had seen this Draconian implement before on one of the countless tv vet programmes and was extremely keen to witness it in action. But as soon as the front door was opened, the dogs had leapt up and bolted (making a bee-line first for the warden, then his van), both their tails wagging, ten to the dozen.

If this were Turkey, Gaffar muttered, resentfully (as he and Kane stood listlessly on the front step together), Idve blasted off the big ones bollocks for what he did to me earlier.

He took imaginary aim at the now fast-retreating van: BANG! (his competence with a firearm apparently uncompromised by his recent mauling), and then congratulated himself (in Kurdish) for the accuracy of his shot.

They trooped back inside again. Dya hear what that uptight, little turd said to me out there? Kane asked, indignantly, as he gave Beedes sitting-room a final once over.

Huh?

The warden. He wanted to know if Id given the dogs waterwater, yeah? To drink?  and when I said that I hadnt that I forgot he completely went off on one. Said in high summer thatd constitute a deliberate act of cruelty. Can you believe that crap?

Fascist! Gaffar exclaimed.

Kane grabbed his jacket from the sofa and pulled it on. He idly adjusted the collar. Well they certainly wont be giving him his own cuddly, animal-welfare-based tv show

Rolf Harris? Fuck off! Gaffar snorted.

Bingo! Kane snapped his fingers. You like Rolf, huh?

I love, Gaffar confirmed, emphatically.

You love Rolf? Kane smirked, suggestively.

Oh yes, Gaffar deadpanned, performing a painstaking mime in which he repeatedly violated Rolf Harris from the rear, I love Rolf.

Kane gazed at him for a moment, in mute alarm.

I PISS YOU! HA! Gaffar burst out laughing.

Kane managed a weak smile as Gaffar jogged an exuberant lap around Beedes sofa, lifting up his knees and clapping his hands, Zulu-warrior-style.

As if prompted by the Kurds sudden, thunderous show of good humour, Beedes phone began to ring. It was an old-fashioned, heavy-set, dial-tone phone c. 1976, in bright, brick orange, and it lived as befitted its lowly status under his desk, behind a musty pile of old Private Eyes which he collected or so he claimed to donate to his dentist.

Kane ignored the phone completely. Gaffar completed his lap and ground to a halt, still grinning.

So they featured this sweet, old girl on Animal Hospital once, yeah?

Kane took out his cigarette packet (refusing point-blank to compromise his cool by responding directly to Gaffars wanton display) and carefully removed a pre-rolled joint from inside of it. She had a Jack Russell. Dya know that breed at all?

Gaffar shook his head, slightly out of breath.

A little, white dog a terrier a digger.

Kane mimed dig.

Gaffar nodded, his eyes drifting every couple of seconds towards the source of the ringing.

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