Elen continued to cradle her mug between her hands. Her hair fell across her face. She peered up at him, through it. So it wasnt just an accident?
What? Beede scowled. That he was there? Where we were? No, he shook his head, firmly, definitely not.
Oh.
This obviously wasnt the answer Elen had been hoping for. But if you think about it she mused, I mean the actual geography of that area
No. Beede wouldnt concede the point, even to mollify her. If we were to calculate the odds and I mean quite coldly, quite brutally then Id have to say that it was at least he ruminated, briefly, at least three-to-one on that he knew strong odds, in other words.
Elen frowned. Odds werent really her forte.
He mustve known, Beede pressed his point home, at some level. She shook her head, slowly, as if still determined to resist his negative prognosis. But it wasnt very far she persisted, he was working in South Willesborough. I came to the restaurant on foot, but he mayve seen your old Douglas in the car park. Its very distinctive, after all. It couldve generated some kind ofof spark.
Beedes ears suddenly pricked up. But how did you know that? he demanded.
What?
About South Willesborough?
She seemed bemused by this question. Because he rang. He phoned me. Just before I left home.
Ah Beede nodded, then smiled (somewhat self-consciously). But of course. Of course. How silly of me.
They were both quiet for a while. Beede fiddled idly with the teaspoon. It was a nice, sturdy piece of old-fashioned hospital issue with a reassuringly deep bowl and a broad, flattened tip. Age and overuse had given its original silver finish a slightly greenish hue.
So did he let anything slip? Elen asked.
Beede shook his head. Not a sausage.
He glanced up as he spoke (she seemed mildly amused by his colloquial turn of phrase) and then, almost without thinking, he reached out his hand and tucked her hair, gently, behind her ear. The hair was so soft so shiny that it immediately slipped free again.
As soon as hed touched her, Beede stiffened and then blushed (That was Danny! It was him!). Elen appeared completely unabashed. She casually pulled a hairband from around her wrist and tied back her hair into a ponytail with it.
There, she smiled, thats better.
Her birthmark was now fully visible. It was about half an inch across at its widest point and just less than an inch long. It was in the approximate shape of Africa (although the southern tip was slightly flatter) and hung like a dark continent between her eyes, which, while also brown, were at least two shades lighter.
He did mention that hed been in South Willesborough immediately before, Beede reverted with an element of bluster to his former train of thought, and we eventually found his car on the roundabout, close to the new exit. Hed left the door open. It was causing quite an obstruction. The police had just pulled up.
God. You shouldve phoned.
Elen seemed about as close in that instant as she ever was to being fully engaged.
I know, but he expressly asked me not to, and I just felt
He shrugged, grimacing.
Compromised, she nodded, understanding completely, of course you did.
She reached out her hand and covered his hand with it. He automatically pulled his hand away she didnt appear to take this amiss and then he smiled at her; a small, almost apologetic smile. She flattened her palm on to the desk and slowly pulled her arm back in towards her body again. Beede watched her lovely fingers (they were lovely) running smoothly over the coarse grain of the wood. He felt a sudden wave of excitement, then an equally sudden pang of recrimination. His eye settled, glumly, on the neat, gold band encircling her wedding finger.
And its all my fault, she murmured, a finger and thumb from the offending hand now fiddling, nervously, with one of the buttons on her shirt, I know that
He was still watching the hand as it moved slightly higher and strummed the single-string-harp of her collar bone.
I feel terrible about it, she added, if that helps in any way.
Pardon? He finally made eye contact with her. He hadnt heard a word.
I said Im sorry, she reiterated (her cheeks flushing). This is all my fault. I should never have involved you
She paused, briefly as if hoping for some kind of reassurance but then rushed on, denying him the opportunity (had he taken it) to respond. Although if its any kind of compensation, its made such an amazing difference, simply sharing the burden with someone. Its been such a relief And Im just soso embarrassinglyso absurdly grateful to you.
She laughed on absurdlyslightly hollowly and then swallowed, involuntarily, on grateful (so that it emerged in a half-gulp). Beede rapidly gathered his wits together (hed been remiss before). Dont be ridiculous, Elen
Hed hoped to make this sound tender, but failed abysmally (his tender parts were as creaky, ill-used and rusty as the hinge of an ancient door).
Yes. She nodded. I mean she shook her head No. Youre right. I should just
Her hand flew, briefly, to her mouth. She cleared her throat. Her hand dropped. She seemed quite composed again, but her lips were just a fraction too straight. He stared at her mouth, fascinated by this straightness. Then, before he knew it, shed collapsed forward, buried her face in her hands and was sobbing. No sound. Just her shoulders her fragile shoulders jerking, rhythmically, up and down.
Beede was completely overwhelmed. He pushed back his chair (it screeched, maddeningly), glanced anxiously through the window, tensed his legs (as if about to stand up), but then stayed exactly where he was. Five seconds passed. Finally, he reached over for a tissue it was a long reach and then fell to his knees, proffering it to her. Please stop, he murmured, crying wont help anyone.
He processed these words internally and then promptly tore them into a thousand pieces
You clumsy, heartless old fool!
He felt like an earthworm in the midday heat, trapped on an endless-seeming expanse of tarmac crispening up, frightened. He longed for a moist, damp crack to crawl into; for the soil, the dank, the dark.
It took a mammoth effort, but he reached up his arm and cupped his large hand over the back of her small head (like a father might, with his son, or a priest, to a grieving widower). Elen responded to his touch. She drew a deep, shaky breath. She tried to control herself.
Heres a tissue, you foolish thing, he murmured.
She removed one hand from her face it was soaking and took the tissue from him, clenching it like a child for succour.
Im sorry, she said, her voice just as calm and as soft as before. Everythings soso complicated, thats all. And sometimes I dont really know she paused, how to she paused again, drew another deep breath, and then shuddered, in wordless conclusion. She looked exhausted. She dabbed at her face with the tissue.
Beede removed his hand. He twisted around and pulled his chair closer, then clambered to his feet and sat back down on it. They were knee to knee.
Youre still not sleeping.
It was a statement of fact.
No. I mean yes. I mean Im absolutely fine. Its just thethe roof, she back-pedalled, desperately, its still leaking. And the builder, Harvey Mr Broad he keeps on stalling
Harvey Broad? Beede echoed, stiffening slightly. Harvey Broad is your builder?
And Ive had a request from Fleets teacher to come in and see her, Elen continued (almost as if she hadnt actually heard him). I think there might be some kind ofof problem there.
But mainly its Isidore, Beede spoke with a quiet authority, hes much worse again, isnt he?
She glanced up, dismayed. Isidores fine. Hes fine. Hes
She groped around, desperately, for a better word.
Fine, Beede echoed, dryly. Yes. I get the picture. Even if he did just steal a horse and ride it, bareback, along a busy dual carriageway. Her former somewhat shaky resolve seemed visibly undermined by this callous summation. Her shoulders drooped, pathetically.
So what now? he asked, observing the droop with a bitter pang. She didnt answer him straight away. Instead, she unclenched the fist in which shed held the tissue, observed it, balled up, in her palm, and then addressed her next few thoughts directly to it. Things were so much better when you were around, she murmured, wistfully. He seemed so much more she paused, so much easier
Beede also stared down at the tissue not a little jealously, at first (I mean what had the damn tissue done to earn itself this gentle homily?).
Easier in himself, somehow, Elen continued (apparently undeterred by the tissues taciturnity). But lately hes grown so she shivered, involuntarily, dark. Dark. Just
A long pause: just furious. Full of
A still longer pause anger. Bile. And then suddenly out of nowhere therell be that awful, that cruelthethe laughter, she glanced up, fearfully, you know?
Beede nodded. He did know.
Hes homing in on the boy, she continued, warming to her theme now, more every day. And at night, if I rest even for a moment then hes up and hes gone. He justjust flits
Beedes expression did not alter. You need to use those new tablets I gave you.
She shook her head, looking down, focussing all her energies once again on the tissue.
Just for a while, Beede wheedled. The other approach obviously isnt working.
She shifted in her seat. Id rather medicate myself, she glanced up, anxiously, control myself. Dont you see? To do anything else would just feel she sighed detestable. She paused, shrugged, smiled resignedly. And those other pills helped me enormously. They really did. I used them in conjunction with the ones from my doctor and was able to stay awake for several weeks, just taking quick naps, during the day, between clients
Thats crazy, Elen, Beede interjected, harshly, and dangerous and short-sighted and irresponsible
I honestly believed, she interrupted, almost pleadingly, in fact I still believe, that if I could just keep a close watch on him, build up some kind of a regulara pattern, then things might have a chance however slight of falling back into place again. She closed her eyes. She frowned. But everythings the wrongthe wrong shape, somehow.
Beede was still furious. How on earth did you persuade me to get involved in all of this? he asked (and it was a question as much to himself as to anybody). Its justIts madness, dont you see? Youre looking after a child, youre running a household, youre holding down a job