He turned to look at her. No. He put his hand to his head.
Yeah. He removed his hand. NoIts just that he paused, BeedeTheres somethingsomething odd.
She nodded, as if she understood what he meant.
What is it? he asked.
She smiled (that smile again) but didnt answer.
Do you know?
He struggled to mask his irritation. She folded her arms across her chest and nodded again, now almost teasing him.
Then what is it?
His walk, she said, plainly.
Kane drew a sharp breath. His limp, he exclaimed (as if this information had come to him entirely without prompting).Hes lost his limp.
Yes.
But how? When?
A while ago now.
Really?
She nodded. Kane scratched his jaw
Two days growth
He felt engulfed by a sudden wave of feeblemindedness
Too tired
Too stoned Too
fucked
He looked at her, hard, as if she might be the answer to his problem
Chiropodist
Did you get rid of it? he asked.
She smiled, her eyes shining.
Kane rubbed at his own eyes. He felt a little stupid. He steadied himself.
Beedes had that verruca since I was a kid, he said slowly. It was pretty bad.
I believe it was very painful, she said, still smiling (as if the memory of Beedes pain was somehow delightful to her).
He coldly observed the smile
Is she mocking him?
Is she mocking me?
then he gradually collected his thoughts together. Yes, he said stiffly, I have one in almost exactly the same place, but its never really
His words petered out.
She shrugged. People often inherit them. Its fairly common. Verrucas can be neurotic
Neurotic?
Kanes voice sounded louder than hed intended.
Yes, she was smiling again, when a patient fails to get rid of something by means of conventional medicine we tend to categorise it as a psychological problem rather than as a physical one.
Kane struggled to digest the implications of this information. His brain seized, initially, then it belched
But a verrucas just some type ofof wart, he stuttered. You catch them in changing rooms
Yes. But like any ailment it can be sustained by a kind of she paused, thoughtfully inner turmoil.
The boy was now sitting on the floor and inspecting his matches. He shook each box, in turn, and listened intently to the sounds it made. I can tell how manys in there, he informed nobody in particular, just from the rattlings.
Weve met before. Kane spoke, after a short silence.
Yes, she said.
(He already heartily disliked how she just agreed to things, in that blank that untroubled way. The easy acquiescence. The cool compliance. He connected it to some kind of background in nursing. He loathed nurses. He found their bedside manner that distinctively assertive servility false and asphyxiating.)
You treated my mother, he said, feeling his chest tighten. She sat down on Beedes chair, facing him. I think I did. Years ago.
Thats right. You came to the house. I remember now.
They were both quiet for a moment.
Youd just returned from Germany, Kane continued, plainly rather astonished (and then equally irritated) by the extent of his own recall.
Yes I had. I went there for a year, almost straight after Id graduated.
I remember.
He sniffed, trying to make it sound like nothing.
You have an impressive memory, she said, then put a polite hand up to her mouth, as if to suppress a yawn. This almost-yawn infuriated him. He didnt know why.
How old was she, anyway? Thirty-one? Thirty-three?
No, he said. Its just your mole. Your birthmark. Its extremely memorable.
She didnt miss a beat.
Of course, she said.
Im sorry, he struggled to repress a childish smile, that mustve sounded rude.
No she shook her head, her voice still soft as ever, it didnt sound rude.
Didnt sound rude.
Kane stared at her. She stared back at him. He took out his phone and inspected his messages.
A psychiatrist, she observed mildly, might call what you do with that phone masking behaviour.
He glanced up, astonished
The cheek of it
then quickly checked himself. I guess they might, he said, returning casually to his messages and sending a quick response to one of them, but then youre just a foot doctor.
She chuckled. She didnt seem at all offended. You have eyes just like your fathers, she murmured, gracefully adjusting the long hem of her skirt (as if hers was a life without technology, without chatter. A life entirely about thinking and pausing and feeling. A quiet life). Kanes jaw stiffened. I dont think so, he murmured thickly, theyre a completely different colour.
She shrugged and then sighed, like he was just a boy. She glanced down, briefly, at her son (as if, Kane felt, to make the connection 100 per cent sure), then said blandly, It was a difficult time for you. Pardon?
He put his phone away. The tone of his voice told her not to persist, but she ignored the warning.
Difficult. With your mother. I remember thinking how incredibly brave you were. Heroic, almost.
His cheeks reddened. Not at all.
Sometimes, after Id seen her, Id just sit in my car and shake. Just shake. I didnt know how you coped with it. I still dont. You were so young.
She smiled softly at the memory, and as she smiled, he suddenly remembered. He remembered standing at the window and seeing her in her car, shaking: her arms thrown over the steering wheel, her head thrown on to her arms
Oh God
His gut twisted.
He turned and gazed out into the car park. He was unbelievably angry. He felt found-out unearthedraw. But worst of all, he felt charmless. Charm was an essential part of his armoury. It was his defensive shield, and she had somehow connived to worm her way under it
Damn her
He drew a deep breath.
Outside he could suddenly see Beede
Huh?
walking through the play area towards the blond imposter and the horse. The imposter had now dismounted. He was touching his head. He seemed confused. Beede offered his hand to the horse. The horse sniffed his hand. It appeared very receptive to Beedes advances.
I wonder what happened to the other man, Kane mused, then shuddered. Everything was feeling strange to him. Inverted. And he didnt like it.
Maybe there were two horses, the boy said. He was now standing next to the table and fingering Kanes lighter. He looked up at Kane and held it out towards him. Red, he smiled, thats your colour. The lighter was red.
He showed his mother. See?
She said nothing.
See? he repeated. He comes from fire.
Dont be silly. His mother took the lighter off him and held it out to Kane herself.
Kane walked over and took it from her. She had beautiful hands. He remembered her hands from before.
I lived in the American desert, he said to the boy, when I was younger. It was very hot. I once almost died in the heat out there. Look
He pushed back his sleeve and showed the boy a burn on his arm. The boy seemed only mildly interested.
Kane was about to pull his sleeve down again when the woman (Elen, was it?) put out her hand and took a firm hold of his wrist. She pulled his arm towards her. She stared at the scar. Her face was so close to it he could feel her breath on his skin. Then she let go (just as suddenly) and focussed in on the boy once more.
America, Kane said, taking full possession of his arm again, drawing it into his chest, shoving the sleeve down, feeling like an angry child whod just had his school uniform damaged in a minor playground fracas. As he spoke he noticed Beedes book on the floor. He bent down and picked it up. He shoved it into his jacket pocket.
In a magic trick, the boy repeated, plaintively, they wouldve had two horses.
How old are you? Kane asked, glancing over towards the serving counter and noticing Anthony Shilling standing there.
Five.
Then youre just old enough to keep it he said, showing Fleet his empty hand, forming a fist, tapping his knuckles and then opening the hand up again. The red lighter had magically reappeared in the centre of his palm. The boy gasped. Kane placed it down, carefully, on to the lacquered table, nodded a curt farewell to the chiropodist, and left it there.
TWO
Im Beede; Daniel Beede. Im your friend. Do you remember me, Dory?
Beede peered up, intently, into the tall, blond mans face, struggling at first to establish any kind of a connection with him. He spoke softly (like youd speak to a child) and he used his name carefully, as if anticipating that it might provoke some kind of violent reaction. But it didnt.
Of course.
The tall, blond man blinked and then nodded. Yes. Yes, of course I remember He talked quietly and haltingly with a strong German accent. Its just thatuh
His eyes anxiously scanned the surrounding area (the road, the horse, the tarmac, the vehicles in the car park). Its just that I suddenly have the strangest
He winced, shook his head, then gazed down, briefly, at his own two hands, as if he didnt quite recognise them. uhfufufühlen?
He glanced up, quizzically.
Feeling, Beede translated.
The German stared at him, blankly.
Feeling, Beede repeated.
The German frowned. Nonotits thisthis he patted his own chest, meaningfully, fuh-ling. FeeeYes. Yes. This feeling. This horrible, almost he shuddered, almost overwhelming feeling. Like a kind of He swallowed. A dread. A deep dread.
Beede nodded.
a terrible dread. He moved his hands to his throat, Suffocāre. Suffocating. A smothering feeling. A terrible feeling Youre tired, Beede murmured gently, and possibly a little confused, but itll soon pass, trust me.
I do, the German nodded, I do traust you. He paused. Trost you
He blinked.Troost.
Trust, Beede repeated.
Of course the German continued. Its just
His darting eyes settled, momentarily, on the pony. I have an awful suspicion that this feeling thisthisuh
Fear, Beede filled in, dryly.
Yesyesfff
The German attempted to wrangle the familiar syllable on his tongueFfffahbut the word simply would not come. After his third unsuccessful attempt (pulling back his lips, like a frightened chimpanzee, his nostrils flaring, his eyes bulging) he scowled, closed his mouth again, paused for a second, took stock, then suddenly, and without warning, threw back his head and roared, GE-FHAAAAR! at full volume.
The horse skipped nervously from foot to foot.
Urgh
The German grimaced, wiped his chin with his cuff, then closed his eyes and drew a deep breath. On the exhale he repeated the wordGefhaar but much more softly this time. He smiled to himself and drew another breath. Fhaar, he sighed, then (with increasing rapidity), Fhaar-fhar-fhear-fear-fearYes!