So you didnt get to check out the poster? (Stan just wants to make absolutely sure.)
What?
Ransoms momentarily thrown off his stride.
In my room. The huge film poster? It covers an entire wall.
Nope. Ransom shakes his head, then winces. I didnt actually see anything. I just dragged myself out of bed and stood shivering under the shower for half an hour He massages his temples. For the record: the water pressure in your bathroom is completely, fuckin abysmal.
Its from Lady Spellbound, Stan elucidates, the Polish version. My dad got it for me on a trip to Warsaw. He has a friend who runs this independent cinema over there.
Ransom looks blank.
Lady Spellbound? Stan reiterates. The first of The Vala Chronicles? The original merchandise from that film is worth a small fortune now. English versions sell for, like, three thousand pounds on eBay
Lady Ransom frowns for a second and then, Oh God yeah. Now Im with you. Ive actually never seen the thing.
Never seen Lady Spellbound?! Stan parrots, astonished.
Nope. Ransom shakes his head. But isnt it meant to be really terrible?
Oh uh
Its from Lady Spellbound, Stan elucidates, the Polish version. My dad got it for me on a trip to Warsaw. He has a friend who runs this independent cinema over there.
Ransom looks blank.
Lady Spellbound? Stan reiterates. The first of The Vala Chronicles? The original merchandise from that film is worth a small fortune now. English versions sell for, like, three thousand pounds on eBay
Lady Ransom frowns for a second and then, Oh God yeah. Now Im with you. Ive actually never seen the thing.
Never seen Lady Spellbound?! Stan parrots, astonished.
Nope. Ransom shakes his head. But isnt it meant to be really terrible?
Oh uh
Stan quickly reassesses the situation. Yeah Well I mean its basically just a kids film he shrugs although Bill Murrays pretty good in it. Has this great cameo
I played a pro-am tournament with Murray once, Ransom recollects; hes actually a very handy player. On the third day he turned up at the clubhouse wearing this long, blonde wig, the hair all
Ransom gesticulates, wildly. Man. I laughed till I bawled.
Because he wore a wig? Stan frowns.
Duh! Ransoms patently astonished at the kids ignorance. He wore it as a piss-take, obviously!
A piss-take of what?
Stans still frowning.
Of what?! Are you crazy?! My hair, Dumbo! A piss-take of the legendary Stuart Ransom coiffure!
Stan looks lost for a few seconds and then, suddenly, Oh yeah. Yeah A slow grin starts to ambush his face. Werent you nearly chucked off a tournament once because it was such an unbelievable birds nest?
Bingo!
Ransom high-fives him again.
And then you claimed in all the papers that you couldnt brush it because some loopy fan had
Stolen my hairbrush! Yeah! Ransoms beatific. And I was deadly, fuckin serious. She had stolen it. But they still refused to let me compete, so as a compromise, I plaited it. Two plaits. The plaits were like this massive sensation. Everyone went wild about them. I was front page news in all the papers for about a week. Got a huge spread in Playgirl. Ridiculous, really, when you actually come to think about it
Crazy, Stan agrees (perhaps too readily).
Although this was way before Beckham had his mohawk, Ransom rallies. Way before all the drama with the sarong. It was the German Open. I actually won that year.
Stealing a hairbrush Stan muses (apparently very taken by the idea). Thats seriously deluded.
Yup. Mandy Pope. Ransom rolls his eyes. Canadian Druid. Total fuckin nutter. Stalked me for seven years. I had a restraining order out on her. Shed break into my flat while I was off on tour, steal my jockeys and leave these weird, little messages inside my coffee jar
A Canadian Druid ? Stan ruminates. Thats retarded.
Tell me about it! Ransom clucks. Total fuckin headcase, she was. But it only gets better, he continues. I saw a list of the hundred most visited sites on the internet a while back and nearly puked when I saw her blog close to the top of it.
No way!
Stans impressed.
Youd better believe it, kid. Mandy fuckin Pope. Gets arrested for stealing my jockeys one week, the next shes at the head of an international fuckin faith empire.
Thats sick! Stans deeply amused.
A short silence follows as they both appraise the Hummer again.
So your dads a Pole?
Stan nods.
You speak any Polish?
Some.
Can you get me a coffee, please? Ransom demands.
Get your own, Monkey-knob, Stan responds.
Not bad! Ransom nods, approvingly.
Thanks.
Are you studying it at school?
Nope. At tech. My school doesnt currently have
Brilliant, Ransom interrupts. So shall we take this little beauty out for a quick spin now, or what?
Stan turns to stare at him, shocked.
Ransom leans forward and tries the handle on the door for a second time. The door is unsurprisingly still locked.
I bet I can get this thing moving without a key, Ransom brags.
Stan, meanwhile, is reaching into the pocket of his baggy jeans and feeling around for something. He eventually locates what hes looking for and withdraws it.
You know, basketballs one of the few sports Ive never really followed, Ransom ruminates (sensing imminent defeat on the Hummer front). The skill sets are just so different to those in golf. Although I was playing this tournament in the Dominican Republic a while back
He peers over at Stan and then abruptly falls silent. Stan is carefully unfolding a clean, white, cotton handkerchief. Lying in the middle of it is a long, fat, neatly pre-rolled joint.
Its really good shit, he confides, proudly, as Ransom reaches out to grab it with a delighted whoop. I got it at Christian camp.
Chapter 3
Leave it. Its fine. It doesnt need mending. Gene tries to grab the jacket from her. Its not like I ever wear the thing its just a keepsake
So when were you planning to tell me, exactly?
His wife refuses to give the jacket up. She plumps it down on to her lap and starts rooting around inside an old biscuit tin for a reel of thread in an appropriate colour. She is still wearing her dog collar, but her hair (usually drawn back into a scruffy bun) has been recently washed and hangs down in loose, damp curls across her shoulders. Her face generally calm but serious, even solemn currently looks drawn and stressed. Gene notices dark rings around her brown eyes, which as always are utterly devoid of make-up.
I mean if that girl from your work hadnt phoned She frowns. Jess. Jane
Jen.
He notices some tinges of grey around her temples. He inspects her eyebrows. They are thick and un-plucked, but their line is still good, still shapely and graceful. She is attractive, he decides, but in a natural way unadorned homely.
Homely? No. He frowns. Not homely.
Powerful? Yes.
Charismatic? Certainly.
Austere? Well
His frown deepens.
Handsome, then?
Handsome?! He almost smiles. Why not? With that strong mouth, that straight nose, that no-nonsense set to her jaw
He inspects her face, fondly.
Handsome? He ponders the word for a moment, perturbed. Isnt handsome the kind of adjective youd use to describe a brusque but peerlessly efficient ward matron of uncertain vintage? A dashing, Oxbridge undergraduate (male)? An admirably proportioned Arabian stallion?
She is perched on the stool of her dressing table with the reel of cotton clenched tightly in her fist and a needle held delicately suspended in the corner of her mouth.
She is perched on the stool of her dressing table with the reel of cotton clenched tightly in her fist and a needle held delicately suspended in the corner of her mouth.
If Jen hadnt phoned, she reiterates, I wouldnt have had the slightest
I planned to tell you over dinner, Gene interjects, it just didnt seem fair to unload all this stuff on to you directly before Stan headed off on his exchange you were anxious enough already
You made a deal with him, she snaps.
We forged a compromise, he corrects her.
I kept thinking how unusually quiet he was on the drive, she muses, irritated, I just put it down to nerves.
He was a little subdued, Gene confirms.
I could happily strangle him!
She stares up at the light-fitment, her eyes filling with tears.
I told him youd be disappointed, Gene tries to reassure her. I said, She wont be angry, Stan, shell just be really disappointed really disappointed. He was devastated. He actually began to sob when I said that.
Silence.
Fine.
She blinks her own tears back. So they smoked a huge quantity of pot, and then what?
On then (possibly pronounced more forcefully than shed intended) she inadvertently spits the needle out on to the carpet.
Just one joint, Gene corrects her, not a huge amount.
Oh. Okay. Just one joint, she echoes, sarcastically, just one, measly, insignificant little joint.
Shes down on her knees now, searching for the needle.
I didnt Gene starts off.
I mean, good gracious! She rolls her eyes, facetiously. What on earth am I getting myself so worked up about?!
Gene suddenly spots the needle, glinting in the half-light, and dives down to retrieve it.
Im not saying it wasnt significant, he murmurs, plucking the needle from the carpets worn pile and carefully passing it over, Im just trying to keep a lid on things, thats all. Its late
He inspects his watch and realizes to his dismay that its much earlier than hed imagined. Youve had a long day, he quickly runs on, and after your disastrous meeting with the bishop
Hes such a stickler for punctuality, she growls, returning to her stool. I was over half an hour
Yes, Gene interrupts, I know. I remember. I believe Ive already apologized for that.
At least twice, he thinks.
So they smoked the joint, she repeats, shoving some hair behind her ear, this piddling, insignificant, little joint of yours and then what?
It wasnt my joint, Gene says, testily.
Actually, no she raises a peremptory hand to silence him let me guess She taps a speculative, index finger against the side of her cheek. They smoke the joint and then they think, Hmmn. What next? Why not steal the Hummer and go out for a quick joyride? Wouldnt that be a hoot?!
Stan didnt get behind the wheel, Gene insists. He was extremely lucid on that point. He said nothing wouldve persuaded him to get behind the wheel nothing. Ransom drove. And while I know it wasnt ideal, he does have extensive experience in handling vehicles of that size