What happened to your first wife? Valentine wonders.
Nothing happened to her. Karims indignant. Shes perfectly fine! She lives in Delhi. She nurses my ailing mother.
I see. Valentine chews on her lower lip, somewhat apprehensively. Dyou have children?
Yes I do. He nods. Three. Two by my first wife both sons and one daughter by Aamilah. He thumbs, contemptuously, towards the window. Milahs an awful mother. The child Badriya is very fat. Milah just feeds her and feeds her. We share our home with Milahs sister, Farhana. She loves to cook. All they do is feed each other and watch DVDs. And sometimes they watch daytime TV awful TV and pass haughty pronouncements on it. Oh that woman is so ugly! Oh that man is so degenerate! I tell them, Nobody is forcing you to watch it! but they dont pay me the slightest heed. I might as well be invisible for all they care. The house is a terrible mess. A pigsty! Theyre completely useless. The child is huge. Like a balloon. Its ridiculous. I mean the woman has an A-level in politics and economics, but she lives like an imbecile.
Noel returns holding a tray with a lone can of Coke on it. He proffers it to their guest.
Couldnt you find a glass? Valentine murmurs, embarrassed.
Im fine with a can, just so long as its good and cold, Karim insists. He takes the can, cracks the ring-pull and takes a long, deep draught.
Ill fetch Mum, Noel volunteers, then promptly heads out of the room again, still clutching the tray, before Valentine has a chance to react.
She stares after him, scowling. Karim looks around for somewhere to place his can.
Sorry here please Valentine unfolds a small, occasional table in front of their guest so that he can put his drink down on it.
Dont be sorry. Karim smiles up at her. An attractive girl need never be sorry.
And a plain girl? she counters.
A plain girl should be constantly apologizing! he exclaims. What else?!
She gazes at him for a moment, shocked, her eyes widening.
Yes, yes, Im incorrigible! He chuckles. I was an incorrigible baby so my mother always tells me who grew into an incorrigible boy, then into an incorrigible teenager. And now I am an incorrigible man. My life is packed full of incorrigibility. Theres nothing to be done about it. Nothing at all.
Its just Valentine yanks on her fringe, unsettled. Please dont take this the wrong way, but Im still not I mean Noel didnt get around to telling me what it is that you actually
Because he doesnt know himself! Karim expostulates, delighted.
what it is that you do, exactly, Valentine finishes off, confused.
Let me lay my cards on to the table. Karim leans forward and spreads his hands across the small, drinks table in a symbolic gesture. Its never what people think, okay? The service varies from client to client. Its basically tailor-made I believe the fashionable lingo is boutique
He emits a snuffling laugh.
It certainly isnt just wham-bam-thank-you-mam, he expands, if thats what youre imagining! Its much deeper, much more profound than that. Its about intimacy. Enjoying something intimate. A special bond. A closeness. Sometimes we sing spiritual songs or I recite to them from learned texts during a hand or foot or head massage. Sometimes they play with my finger he holds up his index finger or gently stroke my belly he pats his rotund stomach, beatifically. I teach a special kind of pelvic bouncing. Its extraordinarily effective, if I say so myself! A persons sexuality can take myriad forms. I can make a woman come by clapping my hands together
He claps his hands. Or by making them laugh, or with simple eye contact
He gazes at her, owlishly. Valentine blinks, then shudders.
Thats right, Karim repeats, holding her gaze, just by simple eye contact. Although Im not afraid to get my hands dirty He lifts a plump, graceful hand, to illustrate. Its a tailor-made service, but its a complete service. Satisfaction is guaranteed He pauses for a moment, mid-sentence, inspecting his raised hand, fastidiously. My hands are actually dirty. I do apologize. I polished my car after breakfast. Id booked the morning off, then your brother phoned
Its a lovely car, Valentine interjects, peering over towards the window again (happy for the distraction). Is it an old Citroën?
A Citroën? Heavens, no! Karim scoffs. Its a Tatra. Its Czechoslovakian. Very rare. Theres only a couple of them in the country as we speak.
Valentine moves still closer to the window and inspects the car more thoroughly.
The engine is in the boot, he informs her.
Ive never seen anything like it, she muses. Is that a third headlight in the middle of the bonnet?
Yes, Karim confirms, proudly, and theres a bonus fin on the back.
Its like something from an old film or a cartoon, she marvels. Batman or The Jetsons
The Wizard of Oz, he volunteers.
Why not? She grins. Careering along the yellow brick road, horn blaring, a couple of Munchkins behind the wheel
Bags I be a Munchkin and you be Dorothy! he cackles, suddenly wildly over-excited. Milah can be It! he adds, guffawing.
Valentines grin falters.
You remind me a lot of Dorothy. He chuckles, still running with the idea. A sweet, little farm girl. The quaint way you dress your funny, bobbed fringe
Valentine touches her fringe again, uncertain how to react.
But Im getting carried away with myself again! he chastises himself, taking another quick sip of his Coke, placing down the can, lacing his fingers together and then leaning back into the cushions. Do please feel free to ask any questions about the service I provide. Dont be shy! Be as specific as you like. I wont be offended. Im impossible to offend.
Valentine thinks hard for a few seconds. So youre actually she clears her throat, embarrassed youre actually more of a a sexual therapist?
People sometimes call me that Karim nods, wincing slightly although there are other words and phrases that describe what I do more effectively. Of course I have no formal, therapeutic training if thats whats troubling you no documentation I can show you. No degree from the university of heaven knows where. No GCSE or NVQ. All I have is this
Valentine touches her fringe again, uncertain how to react.
But Im getting carried away with myself again! he chastises himself, taking another quick sip of his Coke, placing down the can, lacing his fingers together and then leaning back into the cushions. Do please feel free to ask any questions about the service I provide. Dont be shy! Be as specific as you like. I wont be offended. Im impossible to offend.
Valentine thinks hard for a few seconds. So youre actually she clears her throat, embarrassed youre actually more of a a sexual therapist?
People sometimes call me that Karim nods, wincing slightly although there are other words and phrases that describe what I do more effectively. Of course I have no formal, therapeutic training if thats whats troubling you no documentation I can show you. No degree from the university of heaven knows where. No GCSE or NVQ. All I have is this
Karim straightens up and indicates, respectfully, towards his head. And this
He indicates, respectfully, towards his heart. And this
He indicates, respectfully, towards his penis.
Bloody hell! Valentine bites her lip, uncertain quite where to rest her eyes.
Serious brain injury can sometimes result in a dramatic increase in sexual appetite, Karim continues, suddenly more businesslike. Its nothing to get embarrassed about. Its not shameful or wrong. Its just a very basic, very natural animal instinct. Theres no point in fighting it or getting upset about it. We need to be calm, focused and pragmatic.
Im not fighting it, Valentine insists (perhaps a fraction too hotly), its just She frowns. So youve already spoken to Noel about all of this? I mean She shakes her head, confused. Noels perfectly happy with the idea of ?
She cant quite bring herself to say it.
Heavens, no! Karim throws up his hands, shocked. I havent breathed a word of it! And Salvatore will have been very discreet the last thing he wants to do is risk alienating his loyal client base.
Because Im not really sure if hed entirely like the idea of you and our mum Valentine gestures, limply you know.
In the act of coitus, Karim interjects, mildly.
She winces. Hes just very uh protective.
Of course. Karim shrugs. Hes a loving son. He believes hes protecting her, but all hes really protecting are his own fragile sensibilities. He finds it difficult to perceive his mother as a fully functioning sexual animal. And thats absolutely fine he shrugs again although profoundly detrimental to her basic physical and mental well-being.
He delivers her a beaming smile. Luckily, what Noel doesnt know about cant hurt him, eh?
Valentine is quiet for a while (perhaps struggling to come to terms with whats just been said).
Is it expensive? she eventually enquires. The the
Service, he fills in, cordially.
She nods.
Well Im not a charity Karim chuckles but I am Karim. I am Generosity. I have charitable instincts. I wont bleed you dry, in other words. My requirements are almost criminally modest.
And its not its not illegal or anything?
Illegal?! Karim scoffs. Not remotely!
And you would visit us approximately ?
Twice a week. Karim removes a small diary from his waistcoat pocket and checks his schedule. I have a regular, Monday afternoon slot up for grabs from early August between two and three thirty and a regular, Thursday morning slot to start immediately between ten and eleven forty-five. He pauses, speculatively. The initial three or four sessions consist of basic, trust-building exercises and last only half an hour the client tends to get tired quite quickly to begin with, so the fee will vary accordingly And of course it goes without saying that before I can wholly commit to your mothers treatment I will need to be formally introduced to her and to feel assured of a certain I dont know chemistry: a spiritual and emotional rapport He pauses again. I think it only fair to warn you that I generally turn down more clients than I accept. This isnt just a job for me, you see. Its a mission. Its a divine gift. Some people call me an Angel of Love, a cherubim. Im a conjurer he waggles his fingers at her I make magic. I conjure miracles. And as such I need to feel completely at ease in my working environment.