Burley Cross Postbox Theft - Nicola Barker

Nicola Barker

Burley Cross Postbox Theft

Internal Mail

Skipton,

09/03/07

14.00 hrs

(Package and covering letter sent by internal mail)

For attn PC Roger Topping, Ilkley

CONFIDENTIAL

Great news, Rog, great news

At last all those long, incalculably boring, soul-destroying hours of trudging and waiting and moping and cussing have finally paid off, and the career-making case youve been yearning for (stuck out there on your lonesome, all stiff and cross and swollen with that haunting, blue tinge around your gills like a huge, neglected gouty toe; a beached whale; a dour, oversized funeral director with no funeral to direct; a bad joke; a lazy error; a missed train; a dropped stitch; an unsightly stain on the perfect, white napkin of West Yorkshires tea-cake and charity-shop capital) is about to land not the cake, you dope with a lovely, resounding plop! right in the middle of your capacious lap.

Oh, and its a good one, Rog, its a choice one! Its something thats going to frustrate and perplex that razor-sharp intellect of yours for many, many years to come. Its going to haunt your dreams, Rog, and dominate your every waking moment. Its going to confound and enrage you, Rog. Its going to challenge you in ways you never imagined, ways you never even thought possible.

Put plainly, Rog: its going to take over your miserable, pointless little existence and turn it upside down in exactly the same way it took over (and turned over) mine (which is slightly less miserable and pointless than yours, admittedly. No, considerably less, Rog considerably less if you dont mind my saying so).

Its a Red Letter Day, Rog, so thump the tub! Whoop it up! Blow off the lid! Because your time has finally come! And its an important time, Rog, a vital time, a time to cast aside compromise and waffle and pragmatism, and re-embrace all those old-fashioned principles of your gilded youth ideas like like truth and honour, like pride and justice. (Dont think mortgage, Rog. Never think mortgage. Great men never think mortgage. And while were on the subject, dont think bun. And try not to think steak pie or battered sausage. I know how partial you are to those.)

In short, this is no time for beating around the bush, Rog. Its a time for plain speaking, a time for speaking your mind, a time for speaking as you find; a time for barking out orders, for slamming doors, for shoving your way, brutishly, into tiny, tightly packed rooms, squeezing your big, meaty hand into a powerful fist and banging it down, forcefully again and again and again and again on to desks and tables and other hard surfaces.

Its not a time for idle prattle and mooching about and eye-rolling and clock-watching (although, God only knows, there has been time for that in the past, Rog and, God willing, still plenty more of it yet to come).

Its time to step up to the plate, Rog (and I dont mean your dinner plate, lad), a time to gird your loins if loins you still have (Sandy, my gorgeous wife your ex once told me how you liked to shed them, every autumn, the way a stag sheds its antlers. But darling Sandy as we have both discovered, to our mutual cost can sometimes be a little bit creative with the truth, eh, Rog?).

Its A Time to Dance, Rog as I believe the bestselling author, Melvyn Bragg, once so poetically exhorted us. Although if you do decide to break into a spontaneous quickstep or a foxtrot, or a samba please be sure to wear your head-brace, your shoe-supports and your corset (or else dollars to doughnuts, Rog those moronic jobsworths from Health and Safety will be sniffing around us, yet again, like a feral pack of constipated hyenas).

Lets throw caution to the wind, Rog! This is no time to shilly-shally, no time to test the water and teeter, nervously, on the brink. (Ah yes, I still fondly remember those compulsory school swimming lessons at Thornhill Baths: me, clowning around on the high diving board to wildly cacophonous cheers from the boys, hysterical screams of terror from the girls and then suddenly, with no warning, clicking into The Zone, striding calmly to its furthest tip, bouncing once, bouncing twice, and then performing to assembled gasps a near-as-dammit-perfect back-flip, barely disturbing the surface of the pool with so much as a ripple as I entered it. Incredible!

And you, Rog? You? Far down below, Rog, crammed into an under-size pair of brown nylon/viscose-mix regulation trunks, your soft belly bulging over the waistband like a generous slick of extra-thick UHT cream, the voluminous skin of your upper torso pulsing translucently ghastly and white as a portion of uncooked tripe your chest heaving, uncontrollably, as you shivered and whimpered and clutched on to your towel, blinking, uneasily, into the blurry half-light.

You had good reason to feel apprehensive, Rog, having just a few moments earlier taken the very sensible precaution of removing your glasses: you were vulnerable, Rog. You were hamstrung. You were tragically incapacitated.

Yet how could you have possibly known, Rog except with the aid of very basic common sense that your every move was being carefully scrutinized, from above, by a mischievous young prankster, svelte and bendy as a cat, in a pair of tight, bright red Speedos, who thought it would be a hoot, Rog a veritable hoot, Rog when the opportunity arose, to steal those precious glasses of yours and then conceal them in an act of rare daring and audacity behind the lifeguards chair?

How could you have possibly known, Rog? How, Rog? Eh?

And the moral of this insignificant little tale, Rog if moral there be, at all ?

GROW A PAIR, ROG!!

GROW A BLOODY PAIR!!

WHO CARES WHAT THE TEMPERATURE OF THE WATER IS, ROG?! JUMP IN, YOU FOOL, JUMP IN!!

Its time to grab the damn world by the scruff of its neck and shake it, Rog. SHAKE IT!!

YOU HEAR?!)

Because Ill make no bones about it, Rog: this case is a hard taskmaster. Remember Mr Philton, Rog? Dr Philton? With his heavy, dark green serge jackets, his Advanced Motorist badge and his chronic halitosis? Who made you wet yourself, Rog, piss yourself, Rog, in front of the entire class during Double Latin, after you forgot how to conjugate the Latin verb to touch?

Pardon, Rog? Was that a yes, I just heard you mutter there? Was that a yes, Rog, accompanied by a nervous cough and a sheepish little nod of the head? It was? So you do remember, Rog? You do actually remember?

Oh.

Oh.

Good.

Well, for your information, Rog, this case this remarkable case, this extraordinary case is every inch as exacting and fastidious as crusty old Philton was; every inch as unsparing and punctilious (with an impressive line in put-downs, Rog, just like that old bastard had).

This case is a cruel mistress, Rog the cruellest mistress. Its a savage, top-dollar dominatrix; a natural red-head in thigh-high, black leather boots and matching corset. Wonderfully well-equipped, Rog (astonishingly well-equipped), with her regulation whip, her paddle, her rack, her cleats, her strap-on, and naturellement!  that inevitable almost prosaic pair of stainless-steel nipple-clamps.

She wont take any prisoners, Rog (well, perhaps the odd one but only with the general assurance of firmly established protocols, full legal consent, and an accepted release word).

Much as you might expect, Rog, she pays precious little heed to societys mores (that mundane index of accepted niceties we all so love to depend upon). Shell just sweep into your life, Rog, barge into your life, Rog, demand to know exactly how much youre earning (to the last pound, per annum, up front), deliver a couple of devastatingly acute and haughty pronouncements (like: You think youre very funny, very witty, dont you? You think youre quite the card, but I can assure you that youre not, or I noticed a little earlier, when we were leaving the restaurant, that youre going ever so slightly bald on top ), then shoot you a disdainful smile, shove you into a chair, push up her skirt, calmly straddle your lap and promptly take over.

KA-BAM!

Quick as a flash!

Just like that!

Can you see her, yet, Rog? Can you smell her?

Hmmn!

She smells of dirty musk and aniseed balls and cheap vodka, and that oddly persistent aroma from inside a moist, well-used Marigold washing-up glove. A wonderful smell, Rog, a heady, heaving, steamy aroma. Just close your eyes for a moment, Rog, and inhale it. Go on just yes Inhale!

Lovely, deep breath, Rog, lovely deep

Ahhhhhhh!

Let it waft over you, Rog. Let it wash, gently, over you. Let it tip-toe around you and then creep softly, so insidiously inside your head. Let it calm your fevered mind, Rog, tickle your aching sinuses, and tingle on your tongue Dont stiffen, Rog! No need to stiffen! It means you no harm, Rog. Just allow yourself to trust it, Rog. Just give it your permission, Rog. Just hold out your hand, Rog, and welcome it in Thats right! Much better! Youre doing well, Rog! Youre doing brilliantly! Feels really good, doesnt it?

Another breath now, Rog, deep, deep breath, now, Rog

Ahhhhhhh!

Perfect, Rog. See how easy that was? Relax those shoulders, now, Rog, lower those shoulders Great work! Now the face. Lets relax the face, Rog, starting with the mouth. No more tension around the mouth. Feel the lips falling slightly apart Excellent, Rog!

Now the eyes, Rog. Relax the eyes. Feel them rolling back in your head Good boy! Well done!

And finally, the forehead. Release that frown, Rog. Feel all your pent-up stress and anxiety just slipping away, Rog, just lifting off you, Rog, just floating away from you Wave bye-bye to all that nasty tension, Rog Bye-bye tension!  and then make welcome, in its stead, this beautiful, almost overwhelming sense of peace and contentment

How calm you feel, Rog! How quiet! How serene! Embrace that sensation, Rog, embrace that warm feeling of safety and tranquillity Just let everything go, Rog, just let

OI!!

WAKE UP!!

WAKE UP, ROG!!!

LOOK SHARP, YOU BIG PUDDING-HEAD!!

Youve taken your mind off the ball, Rog (what were you thinking, Rog?!) and she is striding towards you, at speed, her heels sounding like gunshots on the ceramic tiles QUICK, ROG! QUICK! TUCK IN YOUR SHIRT!